11:09

Just got a letter from my dear Aunt Sara! Oh yayness! Notice the sarcasm. She's always trying to fix me up with the sons of her card-playing friends. They are ALL ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING! Ahem. Why am I clearing my throat in a book? Anyway she just HAD to start off with:

My Dearest Lily Olive Adalgisa Harriet-Hortense Shrew Orlantha Maisun Evans,

How I do enjoy writing your name!

I'll bet she does. She gets to laugh that there is actually a person out there with an uglier name than she does. Her name is Sara Clara Henrietta Mara Ursula Cara Kaplowitz. SCHMUCK.

12:04

You have such a beautiful name!

My family is deluded becuase they seem to think that having several middle names is a GOOD thing. Which of course it isn't. I mean, look at Potter's initials. Jockstrap? Who in their right mind would name their kid that? Nobody, that's who! Just like nobody would name their kid LOATHSOME. Yes, my friends. My initials are L.O.A.T.H.S.O.M.E. Lily Olive Adalgisa (Which is an old German name) Trixi Harriet-Hortense (Which by the way is not a REAL name) Shrew (Don't ask) Orlantha (Also old German, my parents had fixation of Wagner) Maisun Evans.

12:10

I can see your astounded and horrified expression, book. No, wait! You don't have a face! Books don't have faces, books don't have faces! Repeat as needed Lily Evans.

Sirius was digging through Lily's things in search for a quill when he found a book that practically screamed, "READ ME!" Anything with a lock on it is telling you to open it quickly or else it shall put a curse on you so that you'll be tormented by curiosity FOREVER! Sirius smiled as he got out his magic knife and opened the book. It flipped open to a page with…

Lily's full name.

Sirius laughed like he never laughed before excluding the 'Jockstrap Incident' as he liked to call it. He ran out the room and jumped onto the chandelier, again. All looked up in anticipation except for James who was fearful that the chandelier would break and fall on his head and Lily who recognized the book in Sirius's hands.

"SIRIUS BLACK! DROP THAT BOOK NOW IF YOU EVER WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN!"

"Already had them."

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind about that! LOATHSOME!"

"Sirius, I'm warning you."

"L is for Lily-kins or Lily-who or Lily-pie or all those other cute little names Jamesie-poo calls her!"

"He called me what? YOU called me those horrific names? I'll give you ten seconds, Potter. You, too, Sirius!"

"O is for Olive. Hey! They are destined!"

"Moony would like to inquire what olives and destiny have to do with each other."

"Lily and James are both WHITE OLIVES!"

"Sirius, I'm warning you…"

"A is for Adalgisa von Schliemenschizenkoshweiner!"

"More German?"

"SIRIUS BLACK!"

"Bless you…?"

"Adalgisa von Schliemenschizenkoshweinerhohenzillerndimer."

"Sirius! I'm coming up there!"

"Oh no, you don't!" Sirius began pulling things like refrigerators and stoves out of his pockets, ready to aim. Lily backed away slowly.

"T is for Trixi the Not-So-Tricky!"

"Sirius. I'm on the rag. You don't want to mess with me…"

"H is for… OH MY GOD! YOU POOR CHILD!"

"Yes, I know. Now shut up."

"I can not say the name. It is far too vile, too cruel. Imagine going through life as a Harriet-Hortense!"

"You just said it."

"OH NO! My tongue shall fall off unless I say the counter curse! Esnetroh-Teirrah!"

"What…?"

"Esnetroh-Teirrah is-"

"Never mind. I don't even want to know."

"S is for shrew? Aren't shrews those quarrelsome vile creatures?"

"A man was calling his wife a shrew for forcing hospital food down his throat. The doctors wrote 'Shrew' down, those idiots."

"See! Another reason you are destined for James! You both have accidental middle names! Soon Lily, you shall be LOATHSOME P. Wait. LOATHSOME P! Like Loathsome Pee!"

"That's assuming I even marry Potter which is highly unlikely because at best, I'll kill him before the year is over."

"But how can you resist being called Loathsome Pee?"

"Oh believe me; I can resist being called detested urine."

"Moony would like to know what is worse than death."

"Castration."

"But that would mean Jamesie-poo will die a virgin! If he dies or loses his equipment than he won't be able to meet the girls at the graduation party and he won't be able to-"

"WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

"Fine then, Moony. Be that way. O is for Orlantha van Derchristenkroischlingfruyger!"

"Even MORE German?"

"My dear Moony, you sound…upset! Do you not like me anymore? WAAAAH! The grumpy old man is being mean to me! Beat him up, Mommy Evans!"

"What! If you value your ability to emulate the Grand Progenitor, you will stop now."

"M is for Maisun. Why that sounds like… My SON! Oh My LORD! Lily is MY SON! That'll make James… my future DAUGHTER-IN-LAW! I can't wait until the wedding. We can have James wearing a nice poofy pink dress and a blonde wig of LONG BRAIDS! And we'll have a lot of pretty bridesmaids and we shall commission a Viking singer and the wedding will take place in a pagoda in the middle of the desert on a rainy day! AND THE BACHELOR'S PARTY! WE'LL GO CLUBBING AND MEET ALL THE SHOW GIRLS AND GO INTO ROOMS AND-"

"WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

"Whoa. Moony. You've got a voice like a foghorn."

"Sirius, you pronounce it May Sun. Got that? Good. Now shut up!"

"And of course. Our finale. E is for the grand, all-powerful, magnificent Evans!" With that, Sirius grabbed his broom out of his pocket and began zipping around the room. Lily furiously charmed objects (including protesting pictures) to hit Sirius on the head. This mad chase went along for awhile until…

"What is all this racket," Professor McGonagall screeched as she entered the room. Sirius suddenly stopped and got crashed into from behind by all the book shelves, chairs, portraits, books, lamps, tables, and people that had been charmed to hit him. All said objects and Sirius landed onto the ground. "Now I don't want to hear a peep out of this common room! Understand? Good! Now go to sleep!" She stormed out of the room.

For a few seconds all was quiet.

"Ouch… Mommy Lily, that hurt," Sirius whimpered.

There was much blood shed that night.

Hope you liked this one! Took me awhile; had problems while trying upload this document. Thanks to my sister Kryxer for helping me with the names (especially the 'German' ones) for both this chapter and the one before it. Thought that the ending was sort of weak... oh well. Don't forget to click on that little blue button at the bottom left corner of the page!