Ever since Lily had become Head Girl, her life seemed a bit more surreal. She had only five words to explain this: Marauders Creating Chaos For Lily. She had been called, "Loathsome" by at least 20 people, all of whom came down with mysterious ailments that took Madame Pomfrey weeks to cure. It was rumored that the true reason Vivianne Johannson had not been attending classes for a month was not because of an accident in Remedial Potions but because of a strange case of acne. The words, "I AM A SCHUMCK. KICK ME!" had allegedly been written on her face by gigantic pimples. According to 'witnesses' of which there were at least a hundred, when Ms. Johannson first discovered her malady, she had run out of a bathroom with her hands over her face yelling, "It's a horrible" just seconds after Lily herself had left the restroom. However, these 'facts' were in Rita Skeeter's Gossip Column so their legitimacy had to be questioned. But what neither stories explained was how at the match of Slytherin versus Gryffindor, Lucius Malfoy's broom began bucking and swaying, threw Lucius up in the air, caught him again, hitting him…well, you-know-where in the process, and promptly dumped him from 300 feet in the air.
Sirius was walking out of the Hogwarts Kitchens holding a huge basket of potatoes. "Spuds, spuds, spuds," He sang softly to himself in a high falsetto. "I have so many taters… I know! I'll be nice and give one to Lily-spud!" And so Sirius went skipping along, or at least as well he could skip while carrying 100 potatoes, to Lily's room while singing "All You Need Is Spuds" (See bottom for lyrics).
James was sitting high up in a tree when Lily and some of he friends walked by underneath him.
"Isn't he so cute?" I'm cute too! In fact, I'm cuter than whoever you're talking about!
"Yup! He has such golden curls!" So? My hair is nicer! Does his hair look like he's just got off a broomstick?
"Absolutely gorgeous!" So am I. I'm as beautiful as you can get!
"Look at his eyes!" What about them, huh?
"They're so warm and kind!" I'm not just warm. I'm hot!
"My parents absolutely adore him." Her parents have already met him! What are they thinking about? Marriage?
"He has such melting chocolate eyes." Chocolate? I can buy all the chocolate in the world for you, Lily!
"I love him!" NO! Lily, my darling! What about me?
The girls walked away in the direction of the castle, leaving James to seethe in silent frustration.
(Author's Note: The italics are James's thoughts. He's not so stupid that he would voice them out loud while Lily is there (at least, I hope he isn't because if he was well... I think he'd already by buried under six feet of dirt) so I decided to write them in italics.)
"Moony! You must help me! All Lily will talk about is his golden curls and chocolate eyes," James wailed as Remus neared him.
"Are you talking about Lily's dog? Ever since he recently got potty-trained Lily's adored him."
"Dog? What dog?"
"She bought one last year, remember? It bit you and made you say an interesting speech composed solely of expletives, many of which I, or anyone else present at that time, had never heard of until then. It was what convinced Sirius to pick a dog."
"What? Oh no! I have made a most fatal error!"
"What are you talking about? And what the hell is causing that dust cloud behind you?" Remus raised an eyebrow at James. "This wouldn't have anything to do with that fatal error, would it?"
James turned around. "AAAAAAA! It's a mob of all the blondes I slugged today!"
"You went around beating up blondes? Boy, your hand must hurt!"
"I know that! What I want to know is how to escape them," James screeched shrilly in fear. He hysterically began to bemoan his fate when Sirius popped out of the bushes behind them.
"Personally, Moony would like to know why Padfoot is lurking behind shrubberies."
Sirius ignored Remus as he began muttering to himself like a madman. "Ninety-nine potatoes! Ninety-nine! I clearly remember stealing one hundred taters. So where, oh where, is the last poe-tay-tah-toe?" Sirius grabbed Remus's shoulders and shook him. "WHERE?"
Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius's ravings. "May Moony ask what the heck a poe-tay-tah-toe is?"
"Some people say poe-tay-toe. Others say poe-tah-toe-"
"Who says that," Remus interjected but Sirius went on with his explanation as if Remus had said nothing.
"So I put them together to make… POE-TAY-TAH-TOE!" Sirius laughed maniacally as he got out a chalkboard and wrote, 'Poe-tay-toe + Poe-tah-toe POE-TAY-TAH-TOE or POE-TAH-TAY-TOE'.
"Um…" Remus looked at Sirius as if he was a madman, not that Sirius wasn't. Suddenly, James got a flashing light-bulb over his head.
"I'VE GOT IT," he yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Ooooh… pretty light," Sirius drooled over James's head as he poked the light-bulb, ignoring the burning, tingly sensation that came over his finger each time he touched it. James wiped the spit off his head in disgust before continuing.
"Sirius, I know who stole your potato. It was that mob of blondes! They stole your potato! They divided it up into pieces! And they ATE it!" James pointed to the nearing dust cloud.
"Moony thinks that those pieces must have been might tiny," Remus commented dryly but Sirius ignored him.
"THEY STOLE MY POTATO! DO NOT WORRY, MY DARLING DEAD SPUD! I SHALL AVENGE YOU! DEATH TO POTATO STEALERS! EEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" Sirius yelled his customary…er… battle cry before charging at the mob.
"OH NO," the blondes wailed as they mowed each other down in their haste to get out of Sirius's way. "SIRIUS BLACK HAS GONE ON A MAD RAMPAGE!"
James snickered as he whispered in Moony's ear, "Padfoot will never guess that I'm using him!" Remus on the other hand wasn't so sure. All the times James had said, "So-and-so will never guess (blank)," things had always ended up with him, Remus Lupin, getting hurt.
Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore were sipping butterbeer in the teacher's lounge when Professor McGonagall happened to look out the window. "My, what a huge dust cloud," she remarked.
Dumbledore leaned slightly out the window to get a closer look. "Minerva, that's no dust cloud. That's a group of blonde male students. They seem to be running away from something. But what?"
McGonagall's eyes widened as she used her omnioculars. "My word! It's Sirius Black gone on a mad rampage. I fear for those blondes."
Dumbledore got out his own pair of omnioculars. "He's got a lasso made from a clothesline… that's still got a pair of underwear saying 'Tuesday' on them."
"And he's just gotten a fire poker out of his pocket!"
"Run, blondes, run! You'll have to go faster than that!"
"They're almost at the doors!"
"They're going to make it! For the first time in history, Sirius's victims will escape!"
"And…no! Sirius gets one last spurt of energy!"
"They're done for!"
"They don't have a chance!"
"Oooh. That hit from the Cleansweep is going to hurt!"
"Ouch! He's just given that kid some nasty boils!"
"Madame Pomfrey is going to have her work cut out for her. I should give her a raise."
"Wait! Look at that last blonde go!"
"Run, lad!"
"Idiot! The other way!"
"He'll never last now!"
"Oh, my goodness!"
"Well, that was most thrilling."
"It's always more fun when there's one last man standing."
"Of course, the end is always inevitable."
"True, true."
"You know, this might become more popular than quidditch. If so, I'd love to be a commentator. I've got plenty of experience."
"One thousand gladiators and a few Hungarian Horntails should be game enough for Sirius."
"No, no. They wouldn't have a chance no matter what numbers they had."
"Ah, well. It was fun while it lasted."
"Blast. I was so caught up in the excitement that my butterbeer's gone cold. Reheated butterbeer never quite tastes the same."
"I'll make another batch for you, Albus."
"Lemon drop?"
"Pardon?"
"Never mind."
Sirius trotted back to an astounded Remus and James.
"That…was…bloody…brilliant."
"Moony proposes that we take Padfoot with us whenever we go camping to remote places. Padfoot could fight the natives."
"I, Prongs, totally agree with-"
"And that was one DEE-licious baked potato!" Wormtail licked his fingers as he approached the other three Marauders.
Sirius's left eye (his third one, mind you) twitched. "YOU ate MY potato," Sirius accused Peter. Then he fixed his suspicious left eye (his sixtytenth one, mind you) on James and Remus. "And you two! You lied to me! You were his ACCOMPLICES! Potato stealers must DIE! EEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
"AAAAA! Sirius Black has gone on a mad rampage!"
"Wasn't that Sirius Black's battle cry?"
"I do believe you're right, Albus."
"Imagine that. Sirius has gone on a mad rampage twice today."
"And he's taken out… what is that thing?"
"It's a muggle toy. It is called a 'bat'."
"Oooh. Remus and James have offered Peter as a sacrifice."
"Poor thing."
"Sirius is appeased for now…"
"But who knows who will next be thrown to the dogs?"
"You mean Sirius."
"No, I mean dogs. Sirius's animalistic instincts resemble a dog's."
"Always a high-thinker, eh Albus?"
"You flatter me, Minerva. Lemon drop?"
"Pardon?"
"Never mind."
"Um, Sirius," Lily approached the scene cautiously, not wanting Sirius's saliva to get slobbered all over her the same way it had been slobbered all over Peter. "Why have you put your potato in my sock drawer?" She pulled out a tiny little potato from her pocket.
"Why, it's my potato!" Sirius scampered to Lily and pulled the spud out of her hand. "My dear poe-tay-tah-toe, at last we are reunited!" He noticed a much bruised and battered James and Remus approaching him. Peter was crawling away to the castle to take a shower but James and Remus were glowering at him. "Ehehe… Sorry?" Sirius tried to smile winningly. "It's a good thing I missed sometimes, isn't it?"
"Uh-huh, very good thing," James glared at Sirius.
"Let's just see that bat of yours," Remus snarled.
"Get away from me! Not my fault I've inherited short-term memory loss! Blame my dear, darling mum! Did I mention she's infested by demons? Stay back! I warn you, I'm a rainbow colored belt in judokarate! EEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
"Wasn't that Sirius Black?"
"This is the third time today. You must do something, Albus, before things get out of control."
"They'll be fine!"
"Oooh… From that trident Remus Lupin's got in his hands, I'm not so sure."
"Mud ball throwing. I remember my own days in school. It was a most enjoyable past time!"
"Don't go telling the students that, Albus."
"Oh no… A mud ball hit Lily Evans!"
"Run, boys, run!"
"And what a great right hook!"
"She's- she's- she's beating Sirius Black!"
"And we have our winner!"
"Congratulations to Lily Evans, our school champ!"
"That was most invigorating."
"Quite."
"Lemon drop?"
"Pardon?"
"Never mind."
Announcer: Here it is! The moment you've all been waiting for! The fantastic! The amazing-
Random Person in Audience: Oh, get on with it already!
Announcer: Fine, then. Be a meanie. Sirius and Co. singing All You Need Is Spuds!
James yelling from behind curtain: Why is it "Sirius and Co."? Why not "James and Co."? I'm just as good as Sirius. (Starts singing badly off key) FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA!
Random Person in Audience: Oh, SHUT UP!
James yelling from behind curtain: YOU SHUT UP!
Random Person in Audience: NO, YOU SHUT UP!
James yelling from behind curtain: NO,YOU- Mmmmpphhh
Announcer with one hand behind the curtain in order to suffocate James : Presenting "Sirius, and James, and Co." singing All You Need Is Spuds!
A beaming Sirius, an indignant James, an embarrassed Peter, a reluctant Remus, and a boiling mad Lily (whose wand was stolen and whose legs are charmed to dance) all come tap dancing onto stage.
Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds.
There's no potato that isn't well done.
Taters are what make the world go round.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to eat taters
It's easy.
There's no spud you can cook that can't be cooked.
No spud you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn the words to this song
It's easy.
You can have them mashed, You can have them baked,
You can have them deep fried, Spuds are all you need.
Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds.
All you need are spuds, all you need are spuds,
All you need are spuds, spuds, Spuds are all you need.
There's nothing you can eat that aren't spuds.
Nothing you can love that aren't spuds.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where spuds can't be found.
It's easy.
You can have them mashed, You can have them baked,
You can have them deep fried, Spuds are all you need.
All you need are spuds (all together now)
All you need are spuds (everybody)
All you need is taters, Spuds are all you need.
Sirius: YEEHAW!
Lily who is finally freed: JAMES OLIVIER CHARLEMAGNE KRISTOPH SOLOMON TRISTAN ROB ANYBODY POTTER! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU AND YOUR INSANE FRIEND- YES, YOU, SIRIUS- THREE SECONDS BEFORE I HEX YOU TWO TO NEXT WEEK WEDNESDAY!
Sirius: Well, my fellow Maruaders, we had some great times. Moony, tell all the girls that I snogged that I love them.
Moony: How am I supposed to tell who you snogged and who you didn't snogged?
Sirius: In this notebook I am giving you, you shall find all the names of the girls I snogged.
Moony: Oh, good Lord.
Sirius: My eleventyten all seeing left eyes saw that the day I would have to leave you was coming soon so I sorted the names by House.
Moony: That's not going to help.
Sirius: I put little asterisks next to the ones I went to home bas-
Moony: WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!
James: COME ON, SHE'S ABOUT TO BLOW!
Sirius: RUN FOR IT!
James: OUTTA MY WAY, PEOPLES!
Sirius: OH, GEEZE, SHE'S WEARING CLEATS!
Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Lily: COME BACK HERE!
Moony: We interrupt this program because of the graphic violence that is about to happen. Have a nice day!