Hopefully in my portrayal of Cologne, you can still tell she's doing all this for her cute grandaughter, and not cause she's the embodiment of all that is evil..
Besides, I just love calling her a "dried up old monkey" :)
Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku
Chapter Twelve: Attack of the Old Ghoul from China!
Shampoo hummed to herself as she waited on tables. When she had first thought of setting up a restaurant here in Japan, she had been skeptical about whether she'd like waiting on people, after all she was the best warrior at home, not a common servant, but she had found that she actually enjoyed running a business and serving others. And all the cat calls she received from the male customers reminded her of home.
Men don't change much no matter what country you are in She thought as she went to start cooking an order in the little kitchen behind the dining room.
Still, though she did enjoy it, she couldn't wait for her great grandmother to arrive to help with the work load, then she'd have time to try to win her husband... and maybe even track down that girl she had given the kiss of death to. Hmm, it shouldn't be long now.. She glanced at the wall calendar to see that day was circled with 'Great-grandmother come' scrawled in the little space.
Shampoo wondered if Nerima was ready for her..
"Ranma! Prepare to die!" Ranma ducked just as an umbrella hit the wall behind him. But Ryoga was unfazed by his miss and continued swinging his umbrella at the pigtailed martial artist. Ranma desperately dodged each swing before ducking under a wide swing to the head and tackling the bandanna clad martial artist to the ground.
Ryoga fell backward and landed on his back with Ranma sitting on his stomach, effectively penning him.
"So, Ryoga... Do you surrender?" Ranma laughed, his pigtail falling into Ryoga's face.
Ryoga spit the pigtail out of his face and glared up at him. "Never! I'm not beaten yet!"
Ranma smirked at him. "Yeah right, Ryoga. I'm sure you can somehow magically beat me." He laughed imagining Ryoga in a sailor suit, while holding a moon wand.
Ryoga scowled. "I can too still beat you." He shouted, and proved this point by swiftly bringing his legs up to knee Ranma in the butt. Ranma flew over Ryoga and nosedived into the street. Ryoga jumped back up to his feet and prepared for another attack.
Ranma, too, quickly got up and faced his opponent. The two started circling each other before they dove in to attack.
Ranma aimed a punch at Ryoga's head, but Ryoga caught his fist. Ranma then tried the other fist, but Ryoga caught that one, too. Ryoga smirked at Ranma as the two became locked in a strength contest. This was where Ryoga had Ranma beat.
But Ranma surprised the other boy by kicking him in the stomach. Ryoga doubled over in pain, while the pigtailed boy laughed at him.
"Grrr, Ranma, you're gonna get it..." Ryoga threatened still grasping for breath.
Ranma still laughing jumped onto the nearby fence. "You'll have to catch me first, Pig boy!" He then stuck out his tongue and lowered his right eye... and we mustn't forget the sound effect. "NIIIYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAA!" Still laughing Ranma took off running down the street.
Ryoga growled and ran after him... promptly getting lost.
It wasn't until Ranma was a block away, that he finally realized that Ryoga wasn't following him. Gazing at the empty street behind him he got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Uh, oh, where did he go?" He muttered. Knowing Ryoga, almost anywhere.
Fearing for his life, (for if Ukyo found out that he had lost Ryoga she'd kill him) Ranma began to retrace his steps until he returned to where he last saw the lost boy. Ryoga wasn't there.
"Damn it," he muttered.
Cold water showered over him, and he changed into a she. She turned and saw this little old lady pouring water all over the sidewalk.
"Double Damn it," She muttered, again. It was bad enough having a lost boy on her hands, but a lost pig? And in the restaurant district to boot?
Ranma-chan didn't see Ryoga's clothes lying around, but she was sure that the pig-boy was in his cursed form by now, especially with a lady throwing water around. How did she know? The Jusenkyo cursed just know these things.
So Ranma-chan started her looking, just knowing that today wasn't her day.
Shampoo heard the bell above the restaurant's door jingle. Smiling brightly, she turned to greet her new customer. "Nihao, and welcome to.." But then she dropped the waitress act and broke out in a genuine smile. "Hiya! Great grandmother! You here early!"
Shampoo's great grandmother was a dried up old monkey. ...Wait, I meant she LOOKED like a dried up old monkey. She was as wrinkled as a potato put in a microwave for too long, as shrunken as a 'dry clean only' blouse after going through the dryer... As ugly as...
Cologne glared at the author and WHAMMO! clobbered her over the head with the staff she used as transportation. "You should respect your elders, child."
Ouch... Okay, okay, geesh, you weren't supposed to hear that... The author snickers as she plans to do something really evil to the old bag by the end of this series.. but then quickly goes back to the story.
Cologne was really, really old.
"That's better, though it could have done without the extra 'really'." Cologne sniffed, before returning her gaze to the confused Shampoo. "Hello, child. I see you are doing well with the restaurant."
"Hiya!" Shampoo glowed with pride at the compliment.
"But you could use some help with nabbing stubborn husbands and killing obnoxious girls."
"Hiya..." Shampoo deflated slightly.
"But it doesn't matter. I'm here to help you, now."
"Hiya!" Shampoo brightened up, again.
"Just let me unpack..." She continued as she made her way to the living quarters behind the restaurant. "Oh, and don't worry about dinner. I found a plump juicy piglet just outside the restaurant...""
Shampoo then noticed the damp, squirming, squealing piglet Cologne had grasped in her tiny but strong hands. "Now why did pig look familiar?" Shampoo wondered.
But before she can figure it out, Cologne disappeared into kitchen, taking the piglet with her.
P-chan continued right on squealing, as he watched Cologne prepared him for dinner. "Ah, quit squirming. It will be over before you know it." Cologne had said.
That thought didn't make P-chan feel any better. He squealed louder as Cologne once again grasped him by the bandanna and dangled him over the boiling pot...
"Hiya..." Shampoo gasped. Now realizing where she saw a plump juicy piglet like that before, she cried out and burst into the kitchen. "Great grandmother! No, can eat! Pig husband!"
"What, is it child?" Cologne turned to her.
But it was too late. She had let go of the pig, and he fell into the pot. Then changed into a naked Ryoga. HO HO HO HO HO HO! I knew I'd get him naked again sooner or later..
Ahh, too bad... Cologne's blocking all the good parts.
"AAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH! HOT! HOT! HOT!" Ryoga leaped about.
Shampoo, not even bothering to admire anything, promptly glomped him. "Airon all right!"
Ryoga stopped his dancing and laughed, weakly.
Cologne's eyes just got big. ...Wait, that's how they always are... Oh, well, she was fairly surprised to see that her dinner was the son- in- law she had been hearing about, but she can live with that. She did appreciate the view, though... "Hello, Son in Law." She said, between Shampoo's cooing.
Ryoga paused as he tried to push Shampoo away from him. "What? Son in Law! Who are you! You tried to cook me!"
Cologne cracked a wrinkled smile. "Sorry about that. My great granddaughter hadn't informed me that you, too, are Jusenkyo cursed. I must confess Shampoo has great taste in men. You are quite the looker."
Ryoga paled, considerably at that remark, but he did catch part of what the old bat was saying. "Great granddaughter?"
Shampoo loosened her tight hold on him, long enough to say: "This Shampoo Great Grandmother from China."
"Yes, I am here to see that Shampoo marries the man that had defeated her in combat."
"That was an accident! I don't want to marry anybody right now!" Ryoga protested.
But that did no good. "Oh, yes, you are. I'm not going to see 300 years of amazon history broken because of you." "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there is no way I'm marrying her."
Ryoga continued as he broke loose from Shampoo's hold and ran towards his clothes, which Cologne had conveniently brought in with her.
With the speed of someone who cares for his modesty, Ryoga pulled on his clothes (Rats :) ) and bolted for the door... OR what he thought was the door.
"Why is he heading for our closet?" Cologne asked Shampoo.
Shampoo sweatdropped in answer. "Airon good fighter, not to mention hunky man. Directions he good with not." (Gee, she sounds like Yoda there.. Eh. shrug)
They both sweatdropped as shouts of. "WHERE IS THE STUPID EXIT?" could be heard from deep within their living quarters.
Ranma-chan was still busy searching the area for Ryoga. "Oh, Ryoga! Where are you, stupid!" She sighed and paused in her searching to think for a moment. Yes, Ranma does do that sometimes. Where can he be? He couldn't have gone far... Wait a minute this is Ryoga I'm talking about. Yes, he could. She sighed and cursed him under her breath.
Wait, I must keep a clear head about this. It's not too late to save my hide from Ukyo... I mean find Ryoga before he gets too lost... Now where would be the most unluckiest of places for Ryoga to be right now... She hit her fist against her palm when it hit her. She then took off running towards the Nekohanten.
Ryoga had finally made it out of the living quarters of the Nekohanten. Now he was having trouble with the restaurant area. "I could have sworn I passed by this table before." he muttered to himself.
"That's because you have," The annoyed looking man sitting at his table informed him. "FIVE TIMES ALREADY!"
Ryoga laughed, nervously and played with his bandanna. You know his cute embarrassed look? "Heh, heh, sorry." But inside he was frustrated with himself. Why can't I ever find my way anywhere!
Cologne hopped over to him on her staff. "Why don't you give up and marry my Shampoo?"
Ryoga turned red in anger. "No way!"
Tears filled Shampoo's eyes, and the look she gave Ryoga was heart wrenching. "Airon no want marry Shampoo?"
Ryoga freaked out upon seeing he had hurt her. "N- NO! What I meant was... I didn't mean to... I'm sor-"
But Shampoo didn't listen, and sobbing, she ran out of the restaurant.
Ryoga cursed under his breath and ran after her.
Cologne just sighed, as she watched them leave. There was no doubt about it. Her great granddaughter was good. If she kept this up she may win him, but was he worth it? His sense of direction may prove to be hindering in the future. But if he would make Shampoo happy, Cologne was willing to do all that it takes to nab this man for her. She hopped out after them.
Shampoo kept on running with Ryoga right after her. Secretly, she smiled to see him so concerned about her. She had no doubt in her mind that he will be hers. After all what man can resist womens from amazons village?
It wasn't until she reached the end of the street before she stopped. She sighed in relief to hear him come to a stop, too, for she had been careful not to lose him. There she paused before finally turning to face him, making sure she looked especially delicate and vulnerable.
"Airon hate Shampoo, yes?" She asked, her voice wavering.
Ryoga's beautiful dark eyes widened, and he started stuttering. "I... I don't hate you... Sham... Shampoo... I just... I don't... I like..."
Shampoo heard enough. "Airon! Wo ai ni!" She cried and glomped him before he could say anything she wouldn't like. She smiled as she felt him tense under her embrace, but she wasn't worried. You'll get used to this.
She watched over Ryoga's shoulder as Cologne finally caught up with them. Shampoo couldn't help but feel proud of the way she had Ryoga in her grasp, and now the woman she respected above all others was here to see it. "Hiya," She whispered and tightened her hold on him, ignoring the choking noises Ryoga was making.
Then an all too familiar voice broke the mood.
"Geeze, Ryoga, if Ukyo catches you like this, you'll be a dead man!"
Shampoo looked up to see that, yes indeed it was the girl she was supposed to be killing. "Girl-type Ranma.." She growled.
Ranma's grin disappeared, when she realized that she was in her girl form in front of Shampoo. "Eep..." was all she managed to gasp out, before Shampoo lunged at her with bombari in hand. "Girl-type Ranma, die!" the 'only minutes before' cute girl shouted at the pigtailed girl. Ranma-chan didn't get the chance to run, before she was beamed on the head. She had no choice, so she fought back.
Ryoga was just getting used to being able to breath, again, when Cologne hopped up next to him. "So this is the girl my granddaughter has a hard time finding, let alone killing...?"
Ryoga could only nod, before cringing as he saw Ranma-chan deliver a nasty kick to Shampoo's head, which threw the amazon woman back. "Leave me alone!" She shouted...Ranma-chan, not Shampoo.
She then received a beating, as Cologne charged into the fight. Ryoga and a slightly wounded Shampoo watched in fascination as the two women fought, but it was obvious that Cologne was the better of the two. Once again, the old hag caught Ranma in the chest and flung her against a building. "You can run, outsider woman, but you can never escape the price you paid against the amazons." Cologne aimed her staff at Ranma's chest about to make the killing blow, when something caught her attention to the side. She immediately reacted, as Ryoga aimed a punch at her, easily sidestepping him.
But Ryoga turned and faced her again, an angry expression on his face. "You won't hurt him. Get away, Ranma! I'll handle her."
Ranma-chan coughed up blood as she struggled to stand. "No way, man! This is my fight, Ryoga!" She answered, stubbornly.
But Ryoga was stubborn, too. "Not anymore. You'll just get yourself killed. Let me handle this!"
Ranma-chan sighed but nodded. With one last glare at both Cologne and Shampoo, she turned and left, heading towards the Uuchans.
Once she was gone, Ryoga turned his attention back to the aged amazon.
Cologne just chuckled. "Quite the fighter, aren't we?" She asked almost pleasantly. "It's no matter. Shampoo must be the one to kill that girl." She put emphasis on the word 'girl', but nobody seemed to notice.
"I've had enough of you," Ryoga shouted at her, before charging at her. He punched and kicked with all the skill he had, but he wasn't able to land a single blow on her. Cologne just kept dodging and weaving out of his way. Finally, she struck back, completely throwing the lost boy off his feet and into the same building Ranma-chan had been thrown into earlier.
But unlike Ranma-chan, Ryoga got up right away. "You'll have to do better than that, Granny," Ryoga growled, before charging at her again. Again, Ryoga punched and kicked at her, but again Cologne ducked and dodged away from each hit. At one point she sidestepped... or would it be sidehopped, since she was still balancing on her staff? Eh, doesn't matter, she managed to get away just as Ryoga punched, causing him to hit a nearby defenseless brick wall, which crumbled to itty bitty pieces. Ryoga watched as it crumbled, huffing and puffing, basically completely out of breath.
Cologne also gazed at the mess he had made. "Hmmm, not bad. You're not very fast, but you do have some strength and endurance in you, I'll give you that. Maybe some day, you would stand a chance at defeating me." She chuckled, at that idea. "My great granddaughter must have known what she was doing when she chose you for a husband, after all."
"What are you getting at!" Ryoga shouted, not having any more patience for her talk.
"Just this," Cologne answered, gravely. "You will marry my Shampoo. One way or the other." She then poked Ryoga in the chest with her staff, before, with Shampoo in tow, she hopped away, cackling to herself.
Ryoga blinked. What had just happened? He wondered. When Ukyo, Akane, and Ranma-chan, finally came running up, they found him still staring after the long gone amazons.
"What's the matter, Ryo-chan?" Ukyo asked, obviously concerned.
Ryoga just shrugged, wondering why he had this feeling that he was about to go through hell again.
Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas: What has Cologne done to Ryoga? Will Shampoo ever find out the secret of the mysterious Pigtailed girl?
Find out on Spatulas and Bandannas 13.