A/N: Yeah... that was definitely wishful thinking on my part; though I bet at the time, I seriously thought that having Hiroshima, aka Steel, help me would make the chapters come out faster.
AH well, it probably did work at least for the first couple of chapters.. But I was definitely slowing down.
Spatulas and Bandannas
by Shikoku and Hiroshima/Steel
Chapter Sixteen: The Pig Versus The Duck (For Real, This Time)
A Few Random Thoughts Upon This Sudden Change Of Events:
Ranma: "Oh, Man, Ryoga looks pissed!"
Mousse: "Urk! Can't... Breathe... Who...?"
Ryoga: "Grrrrrrrr"
Nabiki: "Heh, nobody saw this coming, I should make a fortune..."
Ukyo: "Ryoga? You're human again... what happened?"
Dr. Tofu: "Just as I thought, the 'Old Man Tokyo Pressure Point' did the trick."
Kasumi: "Oh, my, Ryoga seems to have forgotten his pants"
Dr. Tofu: "KA... SUM... MI! Hee, hee... hee..."
Ranma: "Hey, what's Kasumi doing here?"
Author: "Attempt at comedy"
Ranma: "Oh"
Kuno: "Argh! Once again, that foul Hibiki hast cast evil sorcerer upon mine eyes... How dare he use his evil means to put the fair Ukyo Kuanji in his place... I shall not have it!"
Akane: "Poor Mousse... I feel sort of sorry for him..."
Shampoo: "Hiya... Mousse dead... But doesn't Ryoga have nice butt?"
Yes, indeed, Mousse had found himself in a not nice place... A giant fist was around his neck, cutting off his air. His feet no longer touched the floor, and he realized that it was because he was being lifted off the ground by his neck. Mousse struggled to free himself from this unpleasant situation, but it was no use... Whoever had snuck up on him had him to an advantage.
Ryoga, meanwhile, wasn't thinking straight at this particular moment. Otherwise, he might have felt a draft and realized that he was still butt naked. Of course, a majority of the women in the audience didn't seem to mind, although a few of the more modest ones were getting nose bleeds at the moment. Anyway, Ryoga like I said, didn't know this. He was too busy seeing red, and thinking of a few hundred ways to kill Mousse right now for hurting HIS Ucchan.
Speaking of Ryoga's Ucchan, Ukyo sat on the ground in a dazed state watching all of this. Her brain, like Mousse and Ryoga's was quite numb at the moment. All she knew was that she should have been defeated right now, but she wasn't... She tried to remember why, but nothing was making its way to her cloudy brain at the moment. She tried to shake the fog away, and managed to clear most of it.
She was sitting on the floor of the fighting stage, with most of her clothes in yellow rags around her. Ryoga's oversized shirt was drooping around her shoulders, ready to fall down her arms at any minute. His pants were practically gone at the legs, and she had long lost her shoes. It was pretty obvious to the audience that she was a woman now, and with the appearance of the real Ryoga, it was now clear that everyone knew her as the impostor that she was.
She didn't mind not having to play as Ryoga, anymore though. Frankly she had grown quite tired of that charade. If she was going to defeat anybody, it would be as Ukyo Kuanji.
She stood up ignoring the hushed voices of the crowds whispering about the spectacle that they had just witnessed. She heard them utter her name a few times, usually used in a question as in: "Isn't that Ukyo Kuanji up there?" "You mean, Ryoga had been Ukyo this whole time?" and "Wow... Ukyo's HOT wearing that get up, think I should ask her out after the match?" Ukyo shook her head, figuring that it would be better for her if she DIDN'T pay any attention to the crowd. Instead, she made her way over to the two boys.
+ Ryoga wasn't very delicate with the other martial artist. He started out by introducing Mousse to the floor a few times. This of course was between ringings of the long-haired boy's neck... among other things... Ryoga could almost be described as being brutal...
Oh, yeah, Ryoga was ticked off.
The whole while Ryoga was yelling his head off at him. It was hard to tell what exactly, but the gist of it was 'how to treat a lady', and 'don't you have any compassion at all?'. He also called Mousse an 'enemy of all women', among other things...
Finally, Ryoga finished it up by shouting: "Don't you know, how embarrassing that was for her? I would DIE if that happened to me!"
"Uhm... Ryo-chan..." a familiar female voice interrupted the lost boy's rantings, with a gentle tapping on his shoulder.
It was enough to snap Ryoga out of his rage for a minute. He turned and was surprised to see Ukyo standing behind him. "Ukyo...?" He was quite surprised that she had interrupted him.
At the moment Ukyo had at least a hundred of things she wanted to tell her friend. 'How the heck did ya change back into a human' for starters, but first things first. She didn't even have to say anything but pointed to his clothes... or lack there of.
Ryoga looked down to see what Ukyo was pointing at, then turned a bright red. He immediately dropped Mousse and tried to cover his more manly aspects with his hands... all the while making those cute screeching, laughing noises when he was truly embarrassed, which at the moment he was.
Fortunately for the Lost Boy, Ukyo took pity on him and helped him out. How you ask? Why by stealing the long robe that the dazed Mousse wore and giving it to Hibiki to cover his... nakedness with.
The female members of the audience all groaned as one in disappointment. So much for female fanservice in this fic...
Ryoga of course, was grateful and quickly slipped Mousse's robe on.
Mousse, meanwhile finally caught on what was going on... besides the fact that he was bleeding really bad right now... "Well, now I know what it is you want... All right..." He flipped to his feet and got into a one-legged stance. "Time to put away our... 'tricks'... Time to fight with bodies ALONE."
"Huh?" was Ryoga's reply as he finished securing the robe around himself.
"Uh-oh..." Ukyo didn't like the look on Mousse's face. He seemed REAL mad now.
"Hiya!" she could hear Shampoo's shrill voice in the crowd. "Mousse very, very mad now..."
Cologne hopped up to her Great-granddaughter, temporarily ignoring Ranma and Akane (who by the way have been watching the events of this fight with their own levels of shock). "Shampoo, it's time that we 'help' Mousse. You know where we keep them..."
Shampoo hesitated for a nanosecond, but then she nodded. "Back in a flash, Great-grandmother." and the purple-haired beauty took off in the direction of the Cat Cafe.
Cologne smiled a small, evil smile that should scare the pants off of anyone that saw it. (Not that it'd take much from Cologne to scare the pants off of anyone. WHAP! Owee... ) "Good girl," she said, quietly.
Just as Shampoo had said, Mousse was pretty ticked off. This should probably not be surprising since anyone would be ticked off if someone else slammed one's head into the ground a few times. "Now you can't escape me, Hibiki." said Mousse, pushing his glasses up and giving Ryoga the Finger at the same time. "You shall pay for stealing my Shampoo from me and lying to my face about it. And don't think you can switch places with Ukyo Kuonji this time!"
"For the last time! I DIDN'T STEAL SHAMPOO! I DON'T EVEN WANT SHAMPOO! YOU CAN HAVE HER!" Ryoga yelled back at the myopic martial artist. "GO AHEAD AND TAKE HER! PLEASE!"
Ukyo had to cover her ears from the volume.
Meanwhile Shampoo leaped out from the audience and jump kicked Ryoga in the head.
"Owe." said Ryoga.
"Sh-Shampoo!" Mousse exclaimed in surprise. He could see her
only because he actually had his glasses on right now. "Wha-
what're YOU doing here?"
Shampoo ignored him, she was too busy casting an angry glare at Ryoga to care what the dumb duck said, anyway... at the moment, she then turned to face Mousse with an angelic look on her face. "Shampoo here to help Mousse win fight."
Of course THAT got a couple of disbelieving responses from the other three people in the ring.
Shocked, Mousse raced up to Shampoo and clasped her hands in his. "Really Shampoo? You really mean it?" he asked excitedly.
Still doing the sweet act, Shampoo nodded sagely. "Hiya!" she then pulled out a few staffs with a weird duck ornament at the top. "Shampoo even make too too perfect weapon for Mousse to win fight with."
Mousse's eyes started to tear up. He couldn't believe it! Shampoo really DID love him after all! Oh Happy Day! "R-really? It's for ME? Are you sure I'm worthy of such a fine weapon?"
Shampoo nodded sweetly. "Hiya! Win fight for Shampoo, and Shampoo all yours, Mousse." She then turned to bounce away from him before he could glomp her.
Ukyo meanwhile, having eavesdropped on this exchange looked at Shampoo suspiciously when the bubbly amazon made her way over to her. "Okay, Shampoo, what gives?"
The amazon maiden smiled with false innocence. "Shampoo no know what you talking."
At the same time Shampoo was talking, Mousse was glowing brightly and had a renewed sense of confidence. He could, no, WOULD WIN! "I'm- I'm invincible!" he yelled and started spinning the staff around. "Ryoga! PREPARE TO DIIIEEE!"
"Can't we talk this over?" Ryoga pleaded with Mousse, but it did no good, soon he found himself dodging Mousse's new weapon.
"Go Mousse!" Shampoo cheered. Hearing that, Mousse increased his offense, striking at Ryoga dozens of times. He couldn't believe it! Shampoo was actually cheering for HIM! This was the happiest day of his life!
"Die, Hibiki!" he yelled and brought the staff down toward Ryoga's head in a slicing motion. Ryoga blocked it with crossed arms, then the unexpected happened. The ornamental duck at the top of the staff started shooting eggs out of it's rear...
If that wasn't weird enough, the eggs, once in a close proximity to Mousse, started exploding. It looked somewhat painful.
Ukyo gasped then turned her gaze to Shampoo, who was smirking. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
"Mousse no win fight today." Shampoo smiled, not denying anything. She did feel a little guilty deep inside of her, but she felt that anything was worth getting Mousse off of her back.
Back to the fight. Ryoga had stopped fighting for a minute and stood staring at Mousse (as the Chinese martial artist struggled to get up) with a confused expression on his face. "Was that supposed to happen?"
He didn't get answered as Shampoo threw another duck-ended staff to Mousse (the first was destroyed in the explosion) who laughed. "With Shampoo on my side," he said. "How can I lose the fight?" And he attacked Ryoga again. It was obvious that he hadn't realized that Shampoo had booby-trapped the staffs on purpose.
Ryoga didn't quite get it yet either... at least not until a few minutes later in the fight, the staff exploded again. Mousse was once again on the ground, and Ryoga was now looking to the decapitated staff and back to Shampoo (who was visibly smirking) with newfound realization.
Before the Lost Boy could make any accusations, Mousse was back up on his feet (stubborn, ain't he?) and Shampoo had tossed him another staff. This one however, had a bomb on top which exploded as soon it got to Mousse's hands.
After the smoke cleared, Mousse was found to be laying face-down in a sizable crater. He was rather charred and a bit mangled looking...
"Fight over, Airon won. Tough luck, Mousse." said Shampoo, sounding not at all disappointed.
Ukyo glared at her. "You're awful."
"Yep," replied Cologne as she pogosticked on her staff into the ring. "After all, she learned everything from me."
"Hiya!" said Shampoo, pleased by her great-grandmother's praise.
"That's my Great-Granddaughter," Cologne chuckled.
Meanwhile, back to Ryoga and Mousse, Ryoga was poking at the comatose Mousse with his toe (After all, he was still barefoot) "Hey... Mousse? Are you okay?" Ryoga couldn't help but feel sorry for the guy...
Mousse groaned and twitched a little. Finally he pushed himself to his feet where he could properly glare at Ryoga. "It's not over." he said, obviously having a hard time standing. "You haven't won YET, Hibiki."
"Geez, Mousse looks really messed up. Think he can still fight?" Akane asked Ranma. She looked to him and saw that he'd fallen asleep standing up. She sighed and whapped him one.
"Wha'ja do THAT for!" Ranma yelled, pulling his face up from where it was smashed into the ground. Akane ignored him, preferring to watch the fight than listen to Ranma rant.
Ranma grumbled a bit, but started watching the fight as well. He still thought it was boring, though. After all, what fight would be exciting without HIM in it?
At least that's what Ranma thought.
Once again, it was a face-off between Ryoga and Mousse. Mousse, though obviously the more battered between the two, also appeared to be taking the fight more seriously. He pointed at Ryoga in challenge. "No more playing, Hibiki. I shall be taking my sweet Shampoo back from your clutches. SHE WILL BE MINE!" And once again they charged.
Shampoo sighed and shook her head. "Stupid Mousse, why you be so stubborn?"
Next Time on Spatulas and Bandannas, who will win the showdown between lost boy and blind boy? Will Mousse ever catch a break, and why does he have to be so stubborn? Find out in chapter seventeen.
Shikoku and Hiroshima
Characters owned by Rumiko Takahashi