A/N: Break out the Plum wine; I actually managed to complete a new chapter to this series!
No, the end of the world is not happening, I just got pestered enough to keep writing. Yes, guilt is a powerful weapon. nods sagely
Anyway, I still plan on finishing this series, eventually, I even have the end of the story in my head; it's just writing the damn thing out! And life keeps throwing distractions at me!
My short attention span has nothing to do with it!
Anyway, enjoy this chapter while you can, I'm not sure when the next one is coming out. I'll just say eventually…
Spatulas and Bandanna
by Shikoku
Chapter Eighteen: Wonder of Wonders, Miracle of Miracles.
Nobody seemed to know this, but Hiroshi and Daisuke were really upstanding citizens of Nerima. They were cute, funny, polite, brave, sincere, charming, punctual, good-looking, and had great personalities.
And did I mention modest?
One day, Hiroshi won the lottery. Whether Japan really has a lottery, I honestly have no clue, regardless; he came into a large sum of money and naturally shared it with his best friend.
They bought some land in the middle of Nerima and custom built a large mansion, which Daisuke designed himself.
Did I fail to mention that Daisuke was a super genius with a high I.Q.? I'm honestly not familiar with the I.Q. system, so I do not know what number a giant I.Q. is supposed to be, but I assure you that whatever number it is, it was very impressive.
Anyway, while they were waiting for their house to be built, they managed to prevent a few natural disasters and save a few damsels in distresses, as a result they were regarded as Nerimian super heroes and had tons of fame to go with their fortune.
So when their house was finally built and livable, a hundred beautiful girls volunteered to be their cat girl slaves, so Hiroshi and Daisuke spent their days lounging around on pillows being served wine and grapes by cute cat girls, while the smart ones did their homework for them, while the uglier ones did their chores…
"Okay, guys, is that enough of a payment for information?"
The two boys looked up from their pillows to see Shikoku the author hovering over them.
"I dunno…you did abandon us for how many years was it, Daisuke?"
"About four, at least, maybe even five…"
Hiroshi nodded sagely. "That is an awfully long time, and sooo much has happened since then, you're missing lots of information. Without us, it will be quite difficult to catch up…"
Shikoku started swearing under her breath, wishing the two boys hadn't listened to her when she told them they needed to learn some business skills from Nabiki. She would have gone to the middle Tendo sister to find out what was going on, but her services were still too expensive even compared to Hiroshi and Daisuke's conditions. But maybe Nabiki's bill would have been worth it, because Shikoku was tired of seeing the boys smirk at her so…
"Hey, we have the right to smirk!" Daisuke cut into her thoughts.
"Yeah, you abandoned us for SAILOR MOON, of all things!" Hiroshi added.
"The least you could do is let us visit that Minako story of yours, I've been dying to meet Sailor Venus." Daisuke said.
"Yeah, you let that Fruits Basket character visit!" Hiroshi pouted.
Shikoku sighed. "Just tell me what's going on already. I did give you what you wanted.."
"Well, now we want a pony, right, Daisuke?"
"Actually, I'd rather have a monkey.."
"Fine.."
Hiroshi has a pony, and Daisuke has a monkey.
"Yay!" the two boys pounce on their new pets.
"So..tell me.."
"Why should we believe you're gonna DO anything with our information?"
"Yeah, why should we believe you'll be writing again? Your track record isn't very good."
The author starts laughing nervously and attempts to sweep her other two unfinished projects under the carpet. "I dunno what you're talking about…"
But the two Nerimian boys ignore her: "How do you expect to publish a novel, when you can't even finish one fanfic?"
"That's it!" Shikoku growled, finally losing all of her patience. She tackles Hiroshi and starts banging his head against the marble floor.
"Tell Me!" WHAM! "Tell Me!" WHAM! "TELL ME!" WHAM!
"Tell Her! Tell Her! TELL HER!" Hiroshi managed to scream out to Daisuke.
"Okay! Okay!" Daisuke shouted frantically back.
"Dr. Tofu told Ryoga and the others that the "Old Man Tokyo" technique didn't permanently cure Ryoga from the Cat Tongue, so he still had to find a cure from Cologne."
"Cologne then showed up and taunted Ryoga with a pill that actually DID cure the Cat Tongue, but she kept it in a necklace around her neck."
"So Ryoga got a job at the Nekohanten, so he could attempt to steal the necklace away from Cologne…"
"But Cologne is way too fast for him, so he's been at it for a week now…"
"Meanwhile, Mousse had moved in with Ukyo and Ryoga, and he works at Okonomiyaki Uuchan's now. Apparently, he is seriously trying to give up on Shampoo.."
"And that's it, can you let go of my neck now?" Please?"
"Okay!" Shikoku says, all happy again. She lets go of Hiroshi's neck and bounces off to continue writing.
"Do we get to keep the stuff?" Daisuke calls after her, just as his mansion, cat girls, and monkey disappears. "Ah…Damn!" He pouts, as behind him Hiroshi is still trying to breathe again.
"You know, Ryoga Hibiki, I never realized how much of a glutton for punishment you are," Mousse sighed as he dragged the unconscious lost boy down the street by one leg.
"Why do you keep going back to the Nekohanten, when you just end up coming home unconscious, day after day? I just don't understand.."
Drag drag drag
"It couldn't be for the money; I've seen your paycheck… The men at my village earn a higher income than you do. Believe me that's saying much…"
Ryoga hit a bump and shot a couple inches into the air, but Mousse didn't seem to notice or care.
"Is it because I'm working at Uchan's now? I'm sure we can both work together... Ukyo Kuanji seems to have enough customers for both of us… or one of us can learn to cook… I would even be happy to stay in the backroom and just wash dishes… Just please, stop going back to that dried up old monkey. I don't want to be the one to tell Kuanji that you have died."
"You don't understand…"
Mouse gasped and, dropping Ryoga's leg, turned around to see that the lost boy had regained consciousness and was trying to sit up.
"I don't go there because I WANT to… I go because I HAVE to.."
"Why.." do you have to? Mousse would have finished saying, if Ukyo hadn't come running towards them.
"Ryo-chan! Are you okay?" She said, helping the bruised and battered boy to his feet.
"Yeah.. I think so.. just a mild concussion.."
"Good," Ukyo said, before walloping him over the head with her spatula. "Stop going over there if she's just gonna keep beating you up, you jackass!"
"I HAVE to go! I can't help it if she's so strong!"
Mousse just sort of looked back and forth between the two wondering what was going on and why he felt like he was being kept in the dark.
"What's…" going on? He would have said, if he wasn't interrupted by the voice of a cackling mummy…
WHAP!
I mean, Cologne.
"That's better." Now addressing Ryoga and Ukyo: "Your performance today was pitiful, Son in Law. At this rate it will take you a thousand years to obtain the phoenix pill."
"Pheonix Pill?" Mousse repeated, remembering mention of said pill before, but not being sure what the implications were. But knowing the old crone like he did, it was definitely not good.
Around this point, Shampoo bounced off his head and entered the scene.
"Haiya! Shampoo brought the chestnuts, Great Grandmother!"
"Good girl, Shampoo" Cologne said, patting the amazon on the head as she purred happily for the praise.
Mousse tried hard to refrain from glomping onto Shampoo. "She treats you like dirt, she treats you like dirt..she treats you like dirt" he kept quietly repeating to himself until the urdge went away.
Giving up Shampoo might be harder than he thought.
Ukyo glared at the two amazons. "What's with the chestnuts, old woman? Are we having a cook out?"
"As a matter of fact, yes, we are," Cologne answered, ignoring Ukyo's open hostility. She led them to a conveniently located empty lot (funny how many of those are in Nerima considering they're in Tokyo), and set up a small fire. Then she tossed the chestnuts into the fire and picked them up again with her bare hands in a few seconds.
Everyone blinked and almost missed it.
So Cologne did it again.
"Wow, you're pulling the chestnuts out of the fire so fast your hands don't get burned!" Ryoga stated the obvious. (Somebody had to)
"You're showing them one of the super secret amazon tricks?" Mousse cried in disbelief. The amazons were so secretive about their abilities; they refused to even show amazon males any of them, that was why the men had to come up with their own techniques.
"Hiya, is the "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" technique. As Shampoo's husband, Ryoga have every right to know secret." But secretly Shampoo was also kind of surprised (and annoyed) that Cologne was planning on teaching Ryoga one of the techniques Shampoo herself had always begged (and been denied) to be taught.
"With this technique, Future Son in Law, snatching the Phoenix pill from me should be much simpler. I just hope you are capable of learning it." Then the crone cackled and hopped away.
"Bye bye," Shampoo said, soon following.
"What is she talking about?" Ryoga seethed. "I can learn anything the old woman can throw at me!"
But Ukyo was not so sure. "I don't know, sugar.. wouldn't the Cat Tongue affect.." But she was caught off by a yelp of pain as Ryoga proved the point she was just about to make.
"Owe owe owe! It's sooo hot!" He screamed in pain, flailing around. His long sleeves had caught on fire.
Freaked out, Mousse pulled out a bucket of water and…
"NOOOOOO!" screamed Ukyo, lunging at him.
But it was too late.
Mousse splashed Ryoga and turned him into P-chan.
At first, Ryoga was happy he had stopped burning..but then realization hit and the true implements of being P-chan again hit him:
"BWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Translation: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
That night, after spending the day being beaten up by Ukyo and listening to P-chan wail despondently, Mousse finally got away and sat on top of Uchan's thinking about all that has occurred.
"How was I supposed to know about the Cat Tongue curse?" Mousse grumbled, rubbing a particularly sore bruise on his cheek. It wasn't like Ukyo or Ryoga had ever told him about it!
Well, that would explain why Ryoga had been getting stinky lately…
Oh, and the whole determined to beat up Cologne and steal the Phoenix pill thing, too.
"But I can't believe Shampoo would do something so… dastardly!"
Cologne, he believed easily.
"Hiya! How did Ryoga become pig again?"
Well, speak of the devil herself.
Shampoo, I mean, not Cologne.
"Sh-sh-shampoo? What are you doing here?" He stammered, suddenly nervous at her sudden appearance, which I guess is more of a Dr. Tofu reaction to Kasumi. So instead of going brain dead and skipping around town with a skeleton, Mousse actually could hold up his end of intelligent conversation.
"Shampoo was going to sleep in husband bed, again, but husband pig now." Shampoo pouted.
Later, Mousse wasn't sure if it was the husband thing, the slipping into bed thing, or her total casualness about Ryoga being a pig when she should fully know this was HER fault, but something buried deep inside of Mousse snapped and he seemed to be able to clearly see Shampoo for the first time…ever.
And he did not like what he saw.
"You… you're evil!" He said, all shocked and stuff. He had honestly never noticed before.
Shampoo blinked. "What you say, Mousse?"
"All of you amazons are evil! I used to think you were different, but you're the most evilest of them all!" Mousse was getting really fired up.
"What Mousse talking ?" Shampoo asked, getting worried. She had never seen Mousse like this before.
"What I'm saying" Mousse answered, switching to their native language in case his words flew over her head. "Is that I can't believe you did this to him."
Shampoo happily joined him in Chinese. "I don't understand why you are acting like this."
"I'm talking about the Cat Tongue curse. Your witch of a grandmother put it on a guy that turns into a pig!"
"So?" Shampoo was still not seeing the point.
"So, Ryoga is now trapped in the body of a pig! He will never be human again! Don't you see how horrible that is? You turn into a cat, would you like to be stuck like that forever!"
"Being a cat is not the end of the world, Mousse."
"You… you.." Mousse sputtered, so angry, he couldn't even complete the thought.
"Besides, Ryoga will become human again. He just has to marry me and come back to China. Then Great Grandmother will cure him of the Cat Tongue and everything will be fine."
"All of this was a plot to get Ryoga to marry you?" Mousse was dumbstruck, though it really should have been obvious.
Shampoo sure thought so, she gave him a "well, duh" look. "Why else would we do this to him?"
"You… you.. ruthless bitch!"
Shampoo gasped and slapped him. Mousse didn't even flinch; he just slapped her back, almost knocking Shampoo to the ground. She gave him a death glare, but upon seeing the look on his face, she lost all of her fighting spirit.
Mousse looked.. disappointed at her.. No, it was worse than that… he actually looked disgusted at seeing her before him.
"Mousse.." Shampoo started to say, but he cut her off.
"Don't talk… don't even look at me.. You're not the woman I thought you were. I would never love a woman as low as you.."
Shampoo gasped, as if he had struck her, again.
"I'm never associating with the amazons, again, and as far as I'm concerned, you don't exist."
And with that he turned and went back inside Uchan's, leaving Shampoo standing on the roof, wondering what the hell had just happened.
Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas: Is this really the end of Mousse's love for Shampoo? Does Shampoo even care? What is Ryoga going to do now that he is a pig again?
Characters created by Rumiko Takahashi Story by Shikoku and Hiroshima