Jack Ingles woke that morning to the pain-filled bellows of the family cow. He dragged himself out of bed, and pulled on his dirty brown boots and a filthy tunic.
"Jack!" his mother screeched in a voice that sounded like fingernails on a black board. "This damn cow won't give any milk! She's useless!"
"She works well as a rooster though!" he hollered back.
"Very funny. I'm sick of this crap every morning, take her to the market!"
"Do I get breakfast first?"
"No, you don't eat 'til you sell the damn cow!"
"Urghh," he sighed in disgust.
He stomped pointedly across the room and down the stairs. Slamming the front door behind himself, he strode up to the cow and grabbed the rope around her neck.
"Fine, I'll sell the stupid cow," he grumbled and started to walk away.
Thunk Jack fell over backwards when the cow didn't move.
"Come on, you stupid cow," he snapped, yanking the rope.
"Moooo." The cow didn't move.
"Come on!" he growled, yanking again.
The cow stared at him curiously for a moment, then bent down and began to nibble on the barest bits of grass in the dirt yard in front of Jack's house.
"MOVE DAMN IT!"
No longer able to control his anger, Jack jerked the cows head up and grabbed the nearest blunt object. He smashed it into the cow's side, his reward only a solemn look. Jack hung his head and sighed in defeat. After a moment, without warning, the cow charged into him.
"Holy cow!" he screamed, yes screamed all high pitched and girly like, and jumped out of the way.
At this point the cow began to run in circles, and continued to do so for the next 90 minutes. You must understand that by this time, Jack was very tired and very hungry. When the cow finally stopped its madness, it began to trot toward the road. Jack barely managed to stumble after her. After walking for a mile or so, Jack came upon the town. Ironically, the cow began to trot toward the butcher's. Jack stumbled after her and grabbed the collar, dragging her towards the town animal barn.
As he approached, a young girl in a blue and white checkered dress cam sprinting out of the barn with a small dog in her arms. The owner's wife followed, screeching after them.
"If that dog ever comes near me or my barn again, I'll take him to the police1" Mrs. Gulch screamed after Dorothy.
"I'm really sorry Mrs. Gulch, Toto really didn't…"
"I don't care about your excuses. I never want to see you again!" The old woman screamed chucking a bucket after the girl.
Dorothy dodged the flying bucket and turned to run. A handsome boy with his cow caught her eye.
"Oooh, he's cute," she though.
As another bucket hurtled through the air, Dorothy heard Mrs. Gulch ask "Jack" what he wanted.
"So that's his name," she smiled and ran home.
"Dude, who was that hottie?" Jack thought to himself as the girl ran towards a random well-placed farmhouse.
"Jack!" Mrs. Gulch snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Whatever do you want for heaven's sake?"
"That's a stupid question," Jack replied. "I've got a cow, I'm at the animal barn, what do you think I want?"
"Don't you get smart with me, young man," Mrs. Gulch sneered. "I've got half a mind…"
"I know."
"Fine, if you aren't in need of my services then I'll just leave you and your cow to your business." She turned on her heel and…tripped over her dress hem. Her skirt flew up and her under things were exposed to the passerby.
Jack slapped his knee and laughed uproariously at her plight until she slammed the door in his face.
"Well great, now what am I going to do with you?" he turned to the cow. "I guess I'll just take ya home and kill ya."
"Mooo," the cow nodded eagerly.
"Let's go then," he sighed and began to lead her away.
As they moseyed down the road, and old man hobbled up to them.
"What a fine cow you have," he said to Jack.
"The better to trample you with my dear."
"Heh heh heh," the old geezer wheezed. "You're a sharp boy. What are you doing with your cow out so late in the morning?"
"I tried to sell the stupid thing, but the lady at the animal barn was PMSing."
"I know what that's like, but tell you what," the old man grinned slyly. "I'll buy your cow for 5 magic beans."
"Magic beans?" Jack laughed. "What do you take me for, an idiot?"
"Oh, I know you're an idiot. I just want to see if you have the guts to sell me a cow for magic beans. Only a coward would miss this opportunity."
"I am not a coward!" Jack whined. "Let's do it. I'll take you up old man."
The man's beady eyes shined as he took the cow's rope and handed Jack the beans and a pouch to keep them in.
"Nice doing business with you young man," he cackled shaking Jack's hand.
"Yeah…whatever," Jack replied slightly creeped out. "Later old man."
Jack sauntered home with the magic beans in his pocket. He was unsure as to how his mother would react. Secretly, he hoped she would be proud of his superior intellect. After all, he was hungry.
"Did you sell the cow?" his mother asked suspiciously looking around as Jack entered the kitchen.
"Yeah, Mom. Can I eat now?"
"Well? How much did you get for her?"
"I traded her for some magic beans."
"What?" she walked over and stared at him, dumbfounded.
"We can plant them and we'll never be hungry again I'll bet."
"You…you…IDIOT!" she began to hit him with the rag she was holding. "You sold our cow for magic beans?"
She ranted as Jack stood, blushing and holding his beans. In her rage she snatched the beans and chucked them through the window.
"That's what I think of your stinking magic beans!" She screamed. "Go to your room."
Jack slunk off to his room. He sat on his bed and sulked as outside his room, a strange piece of vegetation sprouted and reached towards the sky.
"Auntie Em! Auntie Em!" Dorothy called, running towards the woman. "Oh, Auntie Em, you wouldn't believe what that mean old Mrs. Gulch did to Toto."
"Not now Dorothy," her Uncle Henry reprimanded. "The incubator done gone and broke itself and the chicks is gonna freeze to death if we don't hurry."
"Oh, the poor babies," Dorothy hugged a chick to her chest. "But Uncle Henry, Aunt Em, Mrs. Gulch really was horrible."
"Dorothy, don't bother us right now," Aunt Em growled. "There are more important things."
Dorothy ran away before they could see her tears. As she came around to the front yard, Mrs. Gulch walked through the gate.
"No! You can't have Toto!" Dorothy cried, hugging her dog.
"I don't want your bloody dog, you stupid girl, but my nephew would like to meet him. He likes to make bread from the bones of animals that hurt me."
"NO!" Dorothy shoved past the wicked woman of the West Animal Barn.
Dorothy sprinted to the town and down Drury Lane and didn't look back.
"JACK!"
"Hubba-whatta?" Jack fell out of bed landing sharply on his knees.
"JACK, GET YOUR BLOODY ARSE DOWN HERE NOW!" Why wouldn't his mother shut up?
"Coming."
Not really paying attention to his surroundings, Jack headed for the window. Still very sleepy, he fell out of the window and the only thing that kept him from falling two stories was a large beanstalk leaf. Finally waking up, Jack realized that he was no longer in his bed. Looking around, he slid off the leaf, and fell the remaining 10 feet to the ground, landing on his butt.
"Err…"he groaned. "What the heck is this thing?"
"JACK!" His mother screeched in his ear.
"Good God woman!" he shouted back. "Do no shout in my ear!"
His mother reached for the nearest object. Unfortunately for Jack, it was an ax. Jumping up, Jack quickly started to climb the beanstalk in an attempt to flee from his chop-happy mother.
"Come back here, you bloody runt!"
Dorothy ran without stopping until she ran into a very strange looking man walking a cow (who for some strange reason looked familiar).
"Oh, excuse me, sir. I didn't mean to run into you and your…cow."
"Don't worry about it my dear," he smiled. "As a matter of fact, I was just looking for someone like you to help me."
"Oh, of course. What do you need help with?"
"Let me read your palm."
"…Excuse me?"
"Let me read your palm. Please?"
"Um, okay." Dorothy offered her palm to the strange little man.
He took her hand and started gazing over it intently.
"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"Of course, don't worry my dearest," he smiled evilly.
"I think I need to go home," Dorothy started to back away, but the man's grip on her hand tightened.
"You can't leave until you give me the proper payment for the reading."
"I don't have any money, and you never read me anything."
Out of desperation, Dorothy slapped the man and started to run. As she ran, the wind kicked up and started to blow her around.
"I've got to get home soon," she thought.
Finally she made it to her house and dropped on the floor in a dead faint of pure exhaustion. As Toto licked her face in an attempt to revive her, the door slammed closed and stuck.
Jack, now halfway up the beanstalk looked out and saw a black twister coming towards him. For entertainment, he stopped to watch the twister pick up houses and chuck them into the air. As it neared him, he realized that he should start climbing, but his morbid curiosity held him in place until it was too late.
Jack clung to the beanstalk as the tornado hit. Thankfully it began to pass, but then the beanstalk became caught in the eye of the tornado. Jack was stuck watching as everything swirled around.
"Hey," his face lit up with recognition! "That's my cow."
And indeed, his cow was swirling around with the rest of the debris, and looking as content as she did when she stood in the yard eating grass. An entire house passed him, and to his surprise, the girl that he has seen outside the West Animal Barn was peering at him from the window. Absentmindedly he waved, and was thrilled when she waved back. As the house passed, Jack saw something that made his jaw drop.
"Holy cow! What's that woman doing flying on a broom? Is she a witch or something?" He stopped to ponder it, and stupidly crossed his arms.
Looking around he realized his error.
"Oh crud."
The house landed with a thud. Several feet away, Dorothy landed with another thud. Bushing herself of and grasping to what she thought was Toto, she stood up and looked around.
"Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."
"No, ya think?" Dorothy jumped
"Toto, you can talk?" she looked down to see a human arm.
"Who's Dodo?" Jack asked glaring at her.
Dorothy dropped his arm. Seeing Toto, in his other arm, she grabbed her dog and slapped Jack.
"OW! What'd you do that for?"
"That's what you get for picking on someone smaller and weaker than you. And his name is Toto," Dorothy looked at Jack sternly as Toto clamped his teeth around Jack's wrist.
"Would you tell your stupid dog to let go of me?" Jack whined.
"Maybe. If you asked politely."
Jack cleared his throat, "Excuse me, Miss, but would you mind calling your adorable little dog off of my wrist."
"Why certainly," Dorothy replied. "Toto, don't eat junk food."
Toto let go of Jack's wrist, and was promptly hit by Jack's other hand. Minutes later, Dorothy sat bandaging Toto's paw. Despite the fact that Jack's other wrist was now firmly clamped in Toto's jaw, Dorothy was able to bandage any harm done to her dog. Jack, with many bleeding scratch marks on his face, simply had to watch and hold his arm out to Dorothy.
"Oh, you poor dear," Dorothy cooed. "You broke a claw."
"Hey, uh, do you think I could get a band-aid?" Jack asked with sarcastic innocence.
"Well, I would hate to waste a good band-aid," Dorothy said. "You never know if we might need them."
"Disinfectant?"
"No."
"Stethoscope?"
"Nope."
"Stitches?"
"I can't sew."
"Pain killer?"
"No."
"A kiss?"
Dorothy blinked in surprise. Blushing for a moment, she collected herself and slapped him. Jack, sick of the abuse, slapped her back. Toto, wanting to get in on the action, clamped down harder on Jack's wrist and wriggled around a bit.
"OWWW!" Jack howled.
"You're…you…argh!" Dorothy threw her hands in the air and turned away.
For the first time, it occurred to Jack to look around. He turned in a slow circle. They seemed to be in a city of some sort, but no one could be seen. All the buildings looked like they had been built for children, they were so small, and everything was very bright. Where in the world were they? Jack wasn't sure if Dorothy was looking around too, but she hadn't said anything for a couple minutes.
"Maybe I should say something," he though, turning to face her. "WHAT THE…!"
In front of him stood a very tall, very blonde, very skinny lady. She leaned towards him until she was two inches from his face.
"What happened to you fair knight?" she asked, a starry look in her eyes.
"Uh…"
"Do not be afraid. I am Glinda, the good witch. Well," she smiled slyly, "at least, most of the time."
"Uh…"
"Oh, how refreshing to see a knight of few words," she sighed.
"Uh…uh…help?"
"Maybe I should apologize," Dorothy though. "Yeah, I guess I should."
She turned around to say something and found a woman in a floofy pink dress lying on top of Jack. Jack was trying to get out from under her, but Dorothy didn't notice this. Without thinking, Dorothy ran over and slugged the woman.
"Ack!" the woman screamed.
Jack rolled out from under her and stood up quickly.
"Thanks," he panted.
Dorothy blushed, embarrassed at her reaction. Then seeing Toto still attached to Jack's wrist and idea came to her.
"Well she was squishing Toto. The poor baby."
"Oh, that's all she wanted," Jack thought. "Her dog. Man, all the pain for nothing."
Glinda stomped over to him. "If you weren't available, why didn't you say something?"
Jack faced Dorothy and watched her face turn bright red. He could feel his becoming the same color.
"EW!" the both shrieked, jumping away from each other. "Me and her? No way!"
"Wait, I'm not a her," Jack objected.
"That's what you think," Dorothy replied.
"You can't fool me like that," Glinda scolded. "It's so obvious that you two are together."
Before anyone could react, Glinda was swept away by something. In her place stood a woman with a serious skin condition holding a broom.