Title: The Prettiest Boy in All the Worlds
Author(s): Sparkpants and Alex
Summary: Just who is the prettiest boy in KHII?
Rating: M-ish, maybe
Warnings: Language, slash in both sexes, extreme OOC-ness, complete insanity, WTF-ness, excessive and outlandish use of Axel's fire abilities, mentions of possible pedophilia, and misuse of incest and town hicks
Disclaimer: Don't own KHII. Don't own anything in this story except for the sheer amounts of stupidity that every character oozes. Oh wait, we forgot Billy Jo. He's ours, but hey, you can have him.
Author Notes: Please don't hate us. We didn't get much sleep while playing KHII together, and then Alex went and said, "Hey, do you think they ever argue over who's the prettiest?"
And so this was born.
We apologize.
Immensely.
Also, our Muse-Auron would just like to say that he should have won, but we forgot he existed. I'm serious. We were tired.
Try to enjoy, and please, please, oh god please, don't attempt to assassinate us. We like living.
Once upon a time in Hollow Bastion, there lived a very pretty boy named Squall. Squall lived an adventure filled life of leather belts and black mascara, and always kept up with the latest fashions and beauty tips between his weekly slaughter of the Heartless. He knew everything there was to looking good, and was famous across the land for his ability to come out of a battle with each delicately gelled hair strand and carefully penciled eyeliner mark perfectly intact and lookin' fine. Everyone agreed that Squall was the prettiest person ever to grace any world.
"Like hell he is!"
Enter Demyx. One of the prettiest boys in Organization XIII. According to him, his sitar made him the prettiest… But everyone knew that wasn't true.
Unlike Squall, Demyx could not come out of battle looking as pretty as when he went in. In fact, he usually got his ass kicked. Everybody knew that. Demyx himself knew that.
Unfortunately, it wasn't going to stop him from marching over to Squall to prove he was the prettiest.
Because of lack of sleep, descriptions could continue, but will not.
They argued. A few hours later, Demyx ran away in tears. For he really was not the prettiest. If he had a heart, it would have shattered into millions of pieces.
Squall cackled with manly glee, steepling his manicured fingers and grinning at Demyx's retreating back. Of course, the guitarist ---
"Sitarist, bitch!" called a choked voice somewhere to the left.
--- right, sitartist, could never be more beautiful than him. And now he would declare it to all worlds! All would recognize his beauty as supreme! All would bow before him, lest they fall prey to the horrors of his vengeance!
"REPENT, NON-BELIEVERS!" Squall screeched to the skies.
"Not so fast!"
"Gasp!"
"Yes, Squall, it is I…" Dramatic pause. "SEIFER!"
Squall stared. "What happened to you?... You're… you're…"
"The prettiest boy in all the worlds?" Seifer said, checking his nails for dirt.
"JAILBAIT!"
Seifer shot Squall with a little sideways glare. "You're just jealous you know."
"…?"
Seifer pointed to his head.
"…?"
"The beanie, Squall."
"Oh." He paused. "Wait. OH MY GOD YOU'RE SEIFER!"
Seifer raised an eyebrow. "That make-up getting to you?"
Squall could barely hold in the girlish squeal that escaped him next.
"You're so shoooooooooort!" :heart:
"Yeah, well, you're… NOT PRETTY!"
Squall gasped and took a step back. "You said you loved me!"
Since we are still sleep deprived, the dialogue will one again stop.
The two argued. Once again, enter Demyx. Still in tears, he marches up to Squall and Seifer.
"I'm back."
Squall and Seifer stopped their bickering long enough to yell at Demyx.
"WE CAN SEE THAT!"
Demyx pouted. "Well, I may not be the prettiest, but I know who is!"
"WHO!"
"Me!"
The two gasped dramatically as the new contender stepped (magically) from behind Demyx. He winked coyishly at the two squabblers and tossed his hair about. Flowers and fairy dust seemed to materialize out of nowhere to accompany the sheer 'pretty' of his introduction. Even woodland creatures couldn't resist flocking to be at his side.
He stared at them. A moment later, a chipmunk burst into flames.
The woodland creatures fled.
"Yo."
"AXEL!"
"Yes!" Demyx proclaimed proudly, snuggling into the redhead's arm. "Isn't he pretty? One could say… the prettiest!"
"HEY!"
The pretty boys turned to see who dared address them. It was Roxas (or Rockass, as Alex calls him), a fellow pretty boy.
"I heard what was going on! So I brought EVERONE!"
Enter every pretty boy in Kingdom Hearts II. DiZ attempted to sneak in the back of the line. Riku kicked his ass out quickly.
"What the HELL?" Axel said as Roxas approached him. "We don't NEED all of them."
Roxas, however, was too busy drooling over how pretty Axel was.
Axel ignored the steadily increasing puddle of drool gathering at his and Roxas's feet. He was too busy waving his arms wildly in frustration.
"Are you listening? Look, this contest is over. Just because you dragged the entire Organization here---"He paused to lift his coat out of the pool of boy drool. "---doesn't mean it's more competitive. I win. Hands down."
Vexen raised his hand from somewhere in the back.
"What is it, Vexen?"
"Um… Why?"
The scientist's head burst into flame. He screamed hysterically and ran for some sort of help.
The woods offered no sanctuary.
"Anymore questions?"
Silence.
Roxas raised his hand after a few seconds.
Axel glared. "What?"
"Can I take your coat?"
"… No."
Everyone stares, waiting for Roxas to burst into flame. For awhile nothing happened. Then his pretty blonde hair flared up. He ran off, screaming for the fairies to save him.
They didn't.
"Anyone else?"
No one said a word.
Then, for no apparent reason, Sora burst into flame.
"Right then. That's over with." Axel smiled and dusted his coat off. A flurry of ash and fairy dust clouded the air, taking out the nearby Luxord by asphyxiation.
Demyx trilled and clung tighter to Axel's arm. "You're so deadly!" He purred.
"Wait! I'm not giving up just yet!" Squall cried. His eyes burnt (metaphorically, thank the gods, and to Axel's personal disappointment) with resolve. "Setting people on fire is no way to get what you want!" He continued.
"You're leather is smoldering." Seifer added.
"QUIT IT AXEL! This should be solved democratically!"
Merlin approached the crowd of pretty boys.
"Yeah, let Merlin decide!" Cloud said, sad to only have one line.
"Wait!"
Enter Sephiroth. He was incredibly pissed that we forgot about him. We apologize. It's because we haven't slept.
"I, of course, will dominate this contest!" Sephiroth said.
"Whatever you say." Riku mumbled. "Alright Merlin, who's the prettiest boy in all the worlds?"
Merlin thought for a moment. "The prettiest boy in all the worlds is… Me!"
Silence.
More silence.
A cricket chirped.
Shortly after, it burst into flames.
"WHAAAAAAAAAT!" The pretty boys screamed, outraged.
Sephiroth grabbed Merlin by the beard, the rest of the contestants flanking him on either side. Squall was squeaking out proper beard care tips, and Axel and Riku thought they'd found a better way to store flaming chipmunks.
Merlin meeped.
Sephiroth grinned.
Demyx giggled.
Silence fell once more.
Billy Jo had lived outside of Hollow Bastion all his life. He'd married a first cousin and they'd spent many a year happy together in their cabin in the woods. Nowadays, the cabin was near collapse, but he and his family couldn't say no to a good vacation.
They were all gathered on the porch, Siamese twin sons playing on an old whiskey jug, only daughter watching the stars. She turned to Billy Jo, a question in her eyes.
"Papa, is that a fallin' star?" She pointed a 3-fingered hand to the sky.
Billy Jo adjusted his glasses.
"No sweetie, that's a comet. If'n you look close enough, ya see a white tail trailin' after tha' fireball."
The pretty boys smiled and shook hands. That was one problem solved. However, it still needed to be decided: Who was the prettiest boy in all the worlds?
Hidden from view, Kairi and Naminé had watched the whole thing.
Kairi looked up at Naminé. "Am I the prettiest boy in all the worlds?"
Naminé stared, wanting nothing more than to slam the nearest rock into Kairi's head. Her red-haired counterpart continued to stare with some sort of childlike expression.
Naminé could not bring herself to splatter Kairi's brains all over the place. Instead, she settled for fake enthusiasm.
"Why, yes, Kairi!" Naminé said in an incredibly fake, cheery voice. "You are the prettiest boy in all the worlds!" She handed the idiot a cookie.
Kairi looked mighty pleased with herself. Naminé patted Kairi's head, imagining a very gory scene involving a rock the entire time.
"Now come on, let's go try and settle this silly argument."
Naminé took Kairi's hand and led her out of the bushes, resisting the urge to crush the redhead's hand with her fist.
The boys all turned toward the girls, unsurprised by their sudden arrival. None of them were sure of the reason, but they'd gotten used to girls popping out of bushes hand-in-hand.
Axel greeted them.
"Yo."
"Yes. Hello." Naminé made her way to the center of the group, casually shoving Kairi off on Demyx as she passed.
He shrieked and wrenched her from his coat.
She grinned.
He grimaced.
She drooled on him.
"OH GOD WTF."
Demyx chucked the girl off to the side and clung to Axel for help. Kairi scuttled around, lost, until she clamped herself on a fire hydrant.
"Anyway," Naminé said, "I think I'll be the judge. And first I'm narrowing it down to three."
"But how--?"
"Axel, Riku, Squall."
"That's not fair!" the losers chimed. Naminé handed out cookies. Their anger was sated.
Axel prodded at Naminé. He winked.
"If I win," he muttered, shifting his eyes, "I'll find you your true love (despite the fact that you don't have a heart and can't really have a true love, unless we're going into major plot holes here)."
Naminé shot Kairi a glance. The redhead was sucking algae off the side of the hydrant.
"I'll take it."
Naminé pretended to think. "AXEL WINS!"
Axel did a quick happy dance. Riku just shrugged and wandered off to find Sora's charred remains. Squall burst into tears and hugged the nearest person, who just happened to be Seifer. The two eventually eloped, after Seifer got out of puberty.
Demyx tried to hug Axel. He was promptly set aflame. For no real reason.
And Axel, well, the now official prettiest boy in the worlds wandered off to see if he could find Roxas before he completely burned to death.
Cid wandered past Naminé randomly. She looked hopefully over at Axel.
He paused. "Oh yeah. Your true love."
Axel turned to Naminé. "It's Kairi."
And he ran off.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Naminé screamed and fell to her knees as Kairi happily continued to suck algae off the hydrant.
Demyx extinguished himself and chased after Axel, screaming about the wonders of threesomes. Axel looked intrigued. Roxas's crispy flesh crackled with glee from over Axel's shoulder.
The three bounded off to make happy, happy man love.
Seeing that the action was over, the rest of the existing Organization members and the remaining Final Fantasy boys wandered back to their meaningless existences.
Naminé, meanwhile, was still caught in her grief. Over the sounds of her own cries, she heard a strange melody. A purple orb was seen on the horizon.
"La la lalala la la la la…"
Naminé blanched. "OH SHI-"
SPLAT!
And so, the Prince of All Cosmos rolled onward, eager to complete his latest Katamari and restore the stars in the sky.
The End.