Top Girls!

Christmas Special II: Christmas HARDER.

"Welcome, everyone, to Top Gear!" Misato waved.

"As you can all see, we are interrupting the Across Japan Three Vehicle race for a special event," Ritsuko said dryly.

"The second Top Gear Christmas Special!" Maya smiled.

The group moved over to the chairs and sat, piles of stuff cluttered around them. "We each were given a budget and went shopping for unusual car related items," Ritsuko explained.

"Plus, NERV has produced several new licensed products we will be reviewing!" Misato added with a obviously fake smile.

"Oh dear...," Maya sighed.

Ritsuko had an evil grin on her face as she said, "I found a contraband item I'm sure every Top Gear fan will want: the totally unofficial Misato Katsuragi Swimsuit Calendar!"

"WHAT," Misato yelped.

Ritsuko held it up, "It looks like someone raided facebook. There's also some lovely candid shots from when she took the pilots to the beach."

"Give me that!" Misato snatched it from her.

Dourly Ritsuko added, "There's ones for me, Maya and the Stig too."

Maya clearly decided she didn't want to know. "Now, long trips are hard, especially on your posterior," Maya said as she held up the item, "so... this high quality unofficial Asuka Langly replica seat cushion!"

"WHAT," an outraged voice came from off screen.

"You can also get a Gendo Ikari version." Ritsuki offered.

"WHO would want to sit on Gendo?" Maya wondered.

Several women in the audience waved hands.

"No accounting for taste," Misato muttered.

"We also have... the official NERV ugly sweater!" Ritsuko waved.

The Stig looked very dubious in the NERV logo sweater. Even funnier, someone had plopped a Santa hat on the Stig's helmet.

"I\d buy it," Maya said loyally.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"As you know, last year we saw several interesting knock-off NERV products," Misato explained cheerfully.

"Like the 'Entry Plug vibrator," Ritsuko smirked.

Maya blushed brightly.

"Anyway, because of the popularity of those items, NERV has licensed several official products," Misato continued.

"Why MAKEUP though?" Ritsuko asked aloud.

They then cut to a clip of Rei Ayanami gazing at the camera. She gracefully dipped the applicator in the lipstick, then smoothly applied it. "No more rules," she declared as the company logo 'KATE' appeared.

They then cut back to the studio. "I mean," Misato gestured, "what did that MEAN?"

Ritsuko and Maya both shrugged eloquently.

"There is ALSO a NERV/Schick razor campain, which Gendo is helping with," Ritsuko deadpanned, "I'm not airing the ad as it fills me with horror and revulsion."

This time both Maya and Misato both nodded firmly.

"Anyway, Coleman Stoves licensed NERV to do a Unit-01 designed camp stove. So, of course, we at Top Gear had to test it out: by CAMPING." Misato grinned.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"We picked out our vehicles, and as you can see I did this right," Ritsuko said smugly as they headed up the mountain, "with this used 1999 Jeep,"

"While I, being a modern woman, chose a comfortable SUV with good clearance AND comfort," Misato shot back. Her vehicle rattled and bumped, "Admittedly, I hadn't thought the road would be this bad."

"Maya, sadly, had to stay back at base, but I'm sure Misato and I can manage whatever the producers throw at us," Ritsuko said firmly.

"DON'T SAY THAT," Misato yelped.

The first nasty surprise came when they reached the location on the GPS. Both women got out, looking at what was BASICALLY an empty clearing.

"There's no facilities at all?" Ritsuko blinked.

"Shit," Misato cursed. "What...?"

Mari dressed in a labcoat appeared from off-screen and, smirking, provided them with two bundles of stuff.

"Oh, I don't like the look of this," Ritsuko muttered.

"Pup tent," Misato observed as she unpacked the one bag, then saw Ritsuko open the other, "and sleeping bags. Oh joy."

"I knew we were roughing it, but...," Ritsuko started.

"Yeah. Okay, let's get the tent up," Misato sighed.

Which was easier said than done. Neither woman had camped much, and the film crew was under orders not to help. But eventually, they managed.

"Next, we test out the camp stove," Ritsuko said.

Misato took it out from the back of the SUV, and they pulled it out of the box. "Instructions?" Misato asked as she looked it over.

"Here," Ritsuko passed the papers over.

"English. And Chinese," Misato noted flatly. "Lovely."

"We're a brilliant scientist and military leader. We can figure this out." Ritsuko said firmly.

Spoiler: They didn't.

"Try this switch!"

"Nothing. Let's look at the diagram."

"WHY WON'T IT TURN ON."

"It's getting dark. Pretty soon we won't SEE the instructions anymore."

"The crew is LAUGHING AT US."

"Hell, I'M laughing at us."

"... it's dark, AND it's fucking cold."

Ritsuko sighed, "There's only one option. We'll cram into the pup tent, and use our body heat to stay warm."

"We can't just drive back?!" Misato yelped.

"In the dark, on unpaved roads, in these conditions?" Ritsuko said reasonably.

Misato digested that, "Ah, fuck."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"You did WHAT," Maya growled out, surprisingly jealous as they cut back to the studio.

"Nothing happened," Ritsuko reassured her, "it was just keeping warm."

Maya still looked unhappy, but she dropped it.

"So yeah, the Stove was clearly junk," Misato said tiredly.

"May I?" Maya asked, and took the device from her.

Ritsuko watched her fiddle with it and muttered, "I have a bad feeling about this."

Maya rummaged in the box, pulling a second item out. It clicked into the bottom, then she switched it on, the stove glowing warmly.

"What," Misato blinked.

"You didn't put in the power cell," Maya said mildly.

Ritsuko and Misato just blinked. "Fuck," Ritsuko muttered.

To be continued...

Notes: There WAS actually a unofficial Richard Hammond calendar featured in an episode of Top Gear. So... not THAT much of a stretch.

YES there is in fact an ad campaign for KATE makeup, with Rei. And yeah, damn if I know. And yes there was an official Evangelion/Schick Razor ad campaign. Not kidding. With happy Gendo shaving.

Sorry for the short chapter...