Is Revenge Worth It?

Disclaimer : Nothing Supernatural is mine; I have borrowed for a while. I'll give them back, I promise – apart from passing a little time with them, I have made no profit from this endeavour – so please don't come looking for me.

Summary: Sam seeks revenge

Warning: Character Death (lots of Dean and Sam angst) Plus John isn't very nice in this chapter.

Rating: some swearing (naughty boys! Wash their mouths out)

Author's Note: Please review - although I've worked out where I'm going with this, it isn't writing itself any easier. So if it's worth continuing - please - let me know.

Chapter 2 – Remembering Lost Possibilities

Sam gunned the engine of the car. His brother's car. Just like everything else in his life at the moment, it was connected implicitly with Dean. He was in Dean's car, with Dean's music playing for a start and how ironic was that having spent so long complaining, now he just needed to listen to it. Sam had all of Dean's gear in the trunk and his I.Ds in the glove compartment alongside the ones that Dean had made for him. He looked down recognising that he'd even brought Dean's jacket into the front with him and knowing in his heart that if he climbed in the back, he would still be able to make out the last stains of Dean's blood on the backseat from the night with the demon, the ones that no matter how much Dean had scrubbed afterwards just wouldn't come out. Dean had been so close to dying that night, but he'd fought back promising not to leave Sam, not yet, not ever. So much for that promise, where are you now, Dean?

Sam, I haven't left you. I'm still here as much as I can be. I didn't want this. I tried to stay. I did.

Sam was lost in a world of memories, 'Hey, we're Sam and Dean, remember what the Pastor used to say 'the gruesome twosome', but I'm the handsome one and don't you forget it.' Sam remembered how years ago, they had spent a summer staying with Pastor Jim, Dean recuperating from some injury that Sam could no longer remember the cause of and Sam still considered to young to hunt without his brother to look out for him. Dad hadn't left the trail; instead he'd left the boys. It was another ironic fact about his life that it turned out to be one of the best summers they'd had. Sam had felt almost normal as they'd begun to hang out with other kids in the neighbourhood.

He remembered the day the Pastor had dubbed them the gruesome twosome. Hanging out by the lake, they had been messing around, when he had given Dean an unexpected shove which had landed his brother flat out in the mud at the water's edge. On regaining his feet again in the slippery muck, he had grabbed his brother in a bear hug, transferring mud to his temporarily still clean sibling.

By the time they had returned to Pastor Jim's, they had both been soaked to the skin, covered in mud and laughing.

That was a good summer, Sammy. Remember the good times, let the rest go. I don't want this to ruin you.

Sam remembered how the closer they had got to the house, the more anxious he had felt about the trouble they would be in, but how Dean had been certain that the Pastor would be cool. Dean had been right, (of course I was), the Pastor had laughed, called them the gruesome twosome and generally seemed to think it was fine. He'd not even complained after the boys were cleaned up and he'd had to replace the bandages on Dean's injuries. He'd merely suggested that Dean be careful so as not to exacerbate his injuries but that it was good to see them having fun.

From there on in the nickname 'gruesome twosome' had stuck with the Pastor, but to everyone else they were still 'Sam and Dean'. They were a pair, matched, complemented, a set until Sam left for Stanford.

Sam, don't sweat it. Stanford was the right thing at the time. It's in the past. We fixed it remember.

He wondered how things would have turned out if Dean had got his way at the end of that summer. Dean had been close to the Pastor. With hindsight, Sam could see how Dean had flourished in the Pastor's care that summer. He remembered how whilst never trying to damage the bond between them that made them 'Sam and Dean', the Pastor had attempted to make them stronger as individuals, he had encouraged Sam to invite friends his own age over or to go to their houses and had even managed to persuade Dean to hang with boys his own age. He'd tried to encourage them to see what life away from the hunt was like.

Sam, don't go there, let it go. What ifs aren't going to change anything, Sam, please, focus on the good, you can't let this drag you down.

Sam let one hand drift from the steering wheel to rest on Dean's jacket. He could almost feel like Dean hadn't left him. I haven't Sammy; I'm here with you always. The memory resurfaced. The summer had been drawing to a close when Dad had returned. He had walked in one evening unannounced as Dean had been serving up dinner. That had been another bonus of the summer, as the repertoire of meals Dean could cook had widened considerably under the Pastor's tutelage.

'Dad, what are you doing here?' Sam realised that as a child he'd never recognised the disappointment in Dean's voice.

'I've come to pick you two up. Grab your stuff and we'll be off.'

'Not yet surely, John. The boys and I were about to eat so I'm sure you can sit down and join us before you all set off. We've got plenty.'

'Thank you Jim, but I'm in a rush.'

'Not that much of a rush. Trust me John, if you leave here now without eating, your boys will be starving by the time you're ten minutes down the road. The food's ready, you may as well eat here and save the time and the money of stopping later.'

'Thank you, but I don't want to impose on you any longer than the boys already have.'

'The boys have not imposed on me at all. They've been good company and have earned their keep while they've been here.'

'So we are eating then?' Dean's voice had interrupted, almost belligerent in tone as he stood saucepan in hand. A look at his face showed his profound disappointment in his father's re-appearance.

'Alright,' Dad took a seat at the table and the Pastor had reached for an extra plate, setting it down before Dean.

The meal had begun with conversation awkward and stilted as Dad had asked questions of both Sam and Dean which they had struggled to answer, unsure of their father's reaction until the Pastor had intervened, rescuing them all from the discomfit.

'The boys have had a busy time while they've been here. I've had them doing all sorts for me and then I've loaned them out to friends, neighbours and some of the church folk. We sorted out a couple of different routes, so they've both been running regularly. Dean's recovered well and is back up to speed and we've even fitted in plenty of target practice.'

'Good. Well, no doubt, you'll be pleased to get them out from underfoot. I know what they can be like bickering and rowdy when you just want a bit of peace and quiet.'

'Not at all. They've been fine.'

'Dad?'

'Mmm. Dean?'

'Can I ask you something?' his expression intent on Dad's face until hiss father had grunted acknowledgement to proceed at which point his eyes had flicked to Pastor Jim who nodded his assent also.

Sam remembered watching confused and curious, wondering where the conversation was going.

'Dad… I've been thinking, maybe Sam and I could stay with Pastor Jim and go to school here. We could hunt with you during the school holidays and stuff that's near here.' He'd looked again at the Pastor before settling his eyes back on his father.

Sammy, he had his reasons. It wasn't as straightforward as it seemed to us. We had to go with him. We couldn't have stayed.

Not that it mattered for John Winchester didn't even look up from his plate, merely pausing between mouthfuls to say, 'Not going to happen, Dean. We're leaving this evening. You've imposed enough on Jim, he'll be glad to be rid of you.'

'On the contrary, John. I'd be more than happy to help out. The boys are welcome to stay as long as you like anytime. The schools here are good; it might not be a bad idea. It would make it easier for them to keep their grades up.'

'No. It's time they were back with me. I need Dean back out on the hunt. I've got some two men jobs lined up. It's time he pulled his weight and Sam too.'

'Dad, I don't want to hunt…' Dean began before being cut off by his father's fury.

'Dean, don't you dare say that! How could you turn your back on your mother like that? She died to protect you and your brother and you can't even be bothered to help track down her killer.'

'Dad, that's not what I meant. I was going to say that, Dean's voice had risen to frantic, frustrated further as his father refused to look at him, 'Please, just listen to me…' His father had just glared at him.

Pastor Jim had laid a hand on Dean's shoulder, calming and quieting him. He'd looked clear into the Pastor's eyes, nodded and dropped his eyes to the plate in front of him.

'John, how about you think of using this as a base of operations. It would make it easier for the boys. It's going to be important if Dean's going to graduate.'

'We can't tie ourselves down at this point. It's too important I can feel it we're closer to finding it. It won't be long now, I'm sure, Dean can worry about graduating then. If he still wants, we can consider coming back and settling here then.'

'What if it doesn't end soon?'

'Are you suggesting that we forget what happened to Mary and just settle down in some cosy house as if none of this happened?'

'No. I'm suggesting you remember what Mary wanted for her boys, instead of what you want to do to make yourself feel better.'

'You bastard! How dare you? What gives you the right to talk to me like that?'

'I'm your friend, John, and as your friend, I consider it my responsibility to tell you the truth as I see it.'

'Well, you know where you can stick your "truth", Jim. The boys and I are going. Sam, Dean, go and get your stuff now and be quick.'

Sam remembered the disappointment he'd felt when his dad had refused Dean and the Pastor's request. He'd had no idea it was coming although judging by the significant looks passed between them, Dean and the Pastor had already discussed it.

It wasn't like that Sammy. Yeah, we'd talked about it, I had to be sure that he would have let us stay and then I wasn't supposed to tackle Dad about it like that. We were going to ease into it, give him chance to mull it over but I went in wrong, all guns blazing, my fault it all went wrong. Plus, the Pastor and I figured we'd talk to him when you weren't there, so it didn't get your hopes up, another mistake on my part.'

Looking back, he was surprised how easy it had been to forget that there had been a time when Dean hadn't wanted to hunt. He remembered on top of everything else they'd done that summer, Dean had spent time studying trying to catch up on stuff he'd missed the previous year.

His memory moved on and Sam remembered how he had reluctantly stood and made to move away from the table to follow his Dad's instructions but Dean hadn't moved.

'Dean. Now.'

'No,' the response had been quiet but deliberate, determined.

He'd barely flinched, when his father's fist landed on the table although the movement had made both Sam and the Pastor jump. 'I said Get Your Stuff… Now Move!'

'No. I need to stay here. I need to be in school. Dad can't you see I can't do it all? I can't keep my grades up. When this is over, if I haven't finished school, I won't be able to get a decent job.'

'There'll always be things to hunt.'

'What if I don't always want to hunt? What if I want to settle down one day?'

'You'll find a job somewhere. In the meantime, you'll hunt. Now this discussion is finished, get your stuff. We are leaving.'

'Fine, you go. I'm staying.'

'Dean, maybe we…' the Pastor started to say something. He never finished as John stood filled with a feral anger and moved into Dean's space and grabbed Dean by the back of his shirt, dragging from the table.

'Sam, get the bags, now,' he shouted as he dragged Dean toward the door.

Sam, let it go. He had his reasons. He just handled it badly. I handled it badly. I shouldn't have provoked him like that.

Dean, you know, if you can hear me, I'm sorry. I wish we could be together. I wish I could have made it right earlier. I wish you'd come with me to Stanford, or at least got out to do what you wanted. Part of me feels like you're still here with me, but you shouldn't be… you should be happy somewhere, you deserve that.'

I am here Sam with you. I'm waiting for you, but there's no rush, it's cool, the longer the wait the better. We'll move on together when the time comes.

How stupid is it for me to sit here hand on your jacket pretending to talk to you as if you're sitting next to me. There's just this feeling that I've got that you're here but if you were, I'd know wouldn't I? It wouldn't be just a feeling. I just… Dean, right now, I feel so alone.'

You're not alone Sam. I won't let you be alone. Just listen for me, you'll hear me. I know you will.

Author's Endnote: Like I said at the outset - please let me know if it's worth continuing.