Disclaimer: I don't own Voldemort or Wormtail, but I do own wacky this version of Rowling's story. It's mine, I tell you, mine! All mine!

A/N: Sorry it's been a while for uploading. I have been stressing out the past two weeks trying to finish assignments for uni, and so on. And, mostly, the internet is being evil – and even though I have a nicely paced internet speed – it won't seem to upload my story onto here. But, as it's here now, I seem to have gotten it working. Huzzah!


The vile Voldemortand woeful Wormtail


Episode 4: Part 1


Narrator: Good evening, my little dark sidekicks. I assume you are writhing with so much excitement that you can't even blink because you are too afraid to miss one word! Well then, let's take a sneak peak into our Devilish Dark Lord's cave…

(The cave is furnished with a soft leather lounge, some comfy small sofa lounges, and two leather padded armchairs (Wormtail insisted that he had one as well). A large Widescreen T.V. looked silent and alone on the left of the cave, and in the far end there were stairs that led to a carpeted hallway, to the bedrooms, Voldemort's being king-sized. Who'd ever thought crime could be so luxurious?)

Narrator: Now where could he be? Ah! I bet Wormtail is serving him lunch right about now.

(A small and cosy kitchen is on the right side of the cave, next to the dining table that is in the middle.)

Narrator: Empty? Oh dear! Where on earth could they be?

(A black crow flies into the cave, through a small vent-like tunnel in the ceiling.)

Narrator: What's this – Voldemort's crow? Our Lord must have a message for us!

(Voldemort's crow, Chucky, drops a small torn bit of parchment onto the dining table. Why Voldemort called his crow Chucky is beyond me. Maybe he named it after the ugly doll in the movie, 'Chucky'? Or perhaps he had developed a fondness for chucky in the show 'Rugrats'...)

Chucky the Crow: Crow… Crow… Caw… Caw…

Translation: Oh you stupid thing! Hurry up and read the message so I can get back to my beloved Hedwig! (Voldemort almost blew when he found out the two were dating, and then when the two love-birds discovered the joys – and horrors – of parenthood, Voldemort had a fit – and then a stroke. He actually believes Chucky has moved on after Voldemort found their eggs and gave them to Wormtail to boil for breakfast. What Voldemort doesn't know, or refuses to believe, is that his beloved pet and pal – almost – is actually spying on him and sending information to Harry and Dumbledore. In return they give him freedom, love, time with his chicky-dee and, most importantly, free cookies.)

(The letter opens itself and begins to read aloud in Voldemort's voice)

Voldemort's voice in the letter: I am terribly sorry, my little Darklings, but I am unable to entertain, nor plot Harry's death with you, nor even try to even take over the world. I am, at the moment, currently attempting to invade the impossible and do the unthinkable, and kidnap Harry in broad daylight from the Dursleys. I apologise for the inconvenience, and hope to see you again sometime soon.

So, for now; to infinity and beyond! To endless days of destruction and despair!

Love,

The Dark Lord aka Voldie.

xoxoxo

P.S. If you are still reckless and you wish to find me, I am at Number 4, Privet Drive, Surrey, Britain, Northern Hemisphere, The Muggle World.

(The note bows gracefully and then crumbles up and burns itself to ashes.)

Narrator: Well then, future Dark Lords, Servants, Criminals and Villains – to the forsaken place!

TBC… Episode 4 -Part 2: Dursleys' House.