Why Me?

Glorfirien

Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Ensues. Humor.

Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! First 3 Episodes just to be safe! Definitely 'Avalon'

Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

And if you don't know by now that "The Lord of the Rings", "The Hobbit", "The Silmarillion", et. al. as well as all the characters and plot devices contained there-in belong to J.R.R Tolkien then I fear for you.

Daniel had his own 'Eureka' moment as he strode down the halls of the SGC with Jack.

After trying to forget the tiny twinge of guilt that he'd had after his rather heated conversation with their new guest he grabbed onto the first artifact he could find and translated for all he was worth. Which was a lot.

Then Jack shows up, awkwardness ensues and they go out to lunch. That sounds about right. Of course, then the end of the other conversation that blew up in his face came back to haunt him. And then, illustrating that while curiosity may kill the cat (or archeologist) it doesn't die with you (even after a couple of tries), he decides to take the subtle route. Who knows why? after all,Jack O'Neill and Subtle are not synonymous.

"You're here to talk to our new visitor aren't you?" he questioned as casually as he could.

"Why would you think that?" Jack inquired with all the innocence he could conjure.

"She says 'Hi' by the way. And I'm blaming you for corrupting her," Damn he didn't mean for that to slip out.

"Oh she did? And just how would I be to blame for any corruption what so ever?" this time a smirk. An all-knowing smirk that made the recipient want to slug the man.

"You know," Daniel said shortly. A childish argument but he definitely didn't want to follow that road. If those two got to know each other…his imagination couldn't even handle the possibilities.

"Yes. I do"

Pause. "What? Wait…you do?"

"Walter sent me a tape."

Okay, my constant guards had flanked me and given a tight escort into what I guessed was the briefing room.

I resisted the urge to be a cheeky brat and sit at the head of the table. Instead, I chose a seat towards the middle, which didn't leave my back exposed to a door.

If they were trying to keep me off balance by making me wait and let my imagination come up with crazy ideas they were succeeding. Though, of course, I was pretty happy when I figured out that since this was season 9 there was no Kinsey.

That's when the door opened and in stepped a guy in full military dress. Pretty impressive. Oh! He had stars! Cool!

Eyes met. No soul mate vibe. Definite kindred puckish spirits though.

"General O'Neill? Two L's?"

There was a slight flash of surprised delight across his eyes but not his face.

"That would be me. Cindy Cardenas? Lord of the Rings fanatic and usurper of my role as Space Monkey aggravator?"

"Me? Never. I am but a lowly apprentice in the art."

Wow! He finally got the eyebrow thing down. Coolness! Maybe he'd teach me?

"I've been asked to interrogate you shamelessly," he deadpanned.

I grinned, "That is the perfect adjective to describe you General, shameless."

He frowned, "Have you no respect for the U.S. Air Force young lady?"

I shook my head, "None what-so-ever. I idolized the USAF until they passed me by for an award. All that worship went to the Marines who found my talents more than suitable."

"The Marines! No wonder. You are insane. That's pretty much what their ranks consist of."

"Oh and you're a paragon of sanity?"

"Hey…I'm a product of the cracks. No system is foolproof."

"So am I gonna die soon?"

"Nope. You were never born."

Well shit.

"You're kidding."

"Nope."

"Well that sucks."

He slid over a folder and answered my unasked question.

"It has info on all the people we could find that you told us about."

Yup, I had spent about an hour with some chick giving her my info and that of my family and friends. I knew I was probably staring at the thick folder like it was a bowl of chocolate ice-cream and the General, uh that sounded weird even in my mind, was giving me this sympathetic look.

I hate pity.

"So…Government pet? Is that my new job?"

Guess he gets me 'cuz he allowed the change of subject and ignored my possessive grip on the file folder.

"Nah…they already have a mascot."

"You?"

Glare.

"So you're here to get the Oracle to talk?"

"From what I hear you're all tapped out."

Skeptical snort. "Then to judge my level of evilness?"

"Maybe."

"I'll save you the trouble. I'm currently a henchman/minion to evil. I must find a mentorin order to apprentice myself and further my knowledge and experience in the arts of badness."

"Is that so?"

"Yup."

"I doubt that."

"Why?"

"You have a sense of humor."

"Aww! Why'd I have to be questioned by a man whose saved the world, been lied to and backstabbed enough times to recognize a good guy, bad guy and cheesy villain on sight? That's just unfair! Can't I break in a gullible newbie?"

"I was in the neighborhood. Otherwise you would have been tag teamed by Teal'c and Mitchell."

"I owe you a life-debt. Oo do you vant me to keel?"

"That's a really bad accent."

"Ze vwon wid de glasses? Ze so called ah Space Monkey? I ahm yohr fateful servant."

"Oh please stop. What was that? Russian? Jamaican? French? You have failed at any of the above suggestions. Oh and…just drive everyone to insanity."

"Everyone? I am now an equal opportunity annoyer? Shouldn't I concentrate on the big fish and the pompous evil prats?"

"Nah. Mouthing off to the bad guys will draw attention to you and get you kidnapped/ascended/tortured/dead. Besides you're not going to be here long enough for that."

"I'm to be put under heavy guard and transported to another heavily guarded facility under another mountain?"

"You sure you're not related to me kid?"

"Why's that?"

"'Cuz you sure can try a man's nerves like an O'Neill."

"Well…maybe on my mother's best friend's roommate's dog's cousin's owner side."

"Did you just compare me to a canine?"

"No but you did me the favor."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Not."

"Too."

"All right. A golden retriever."

"Really? That's okay then. There were no poodle thoughts right?"

"Terrier."

"Not-so good then."

"That's it!" The door was open and a not-very amused Landry strode in.

Two pairs of mischievous brown eyes turned to him in faux-innocence.

"What's it General Landry?" we inquired in stereo and cock our heads in exactly the same curious manner at exactly the same time.

Now, General Landry was usually loud and crotchety but that covered up for his sense of humor and softy side. Right now, his spine chilled and he felt no threat what so ever from the Ori.

Why?

Because the threat was sitting right in front of him.

He reigned in the urge to call in the SF's.

"O'Neill."

Eyebrow.

"Off my base."

Tilt of the head asking 'Why?'

"You've made an unholy alliance that cannot be allowed if the universe as we know it is to survive."

"But the universe as we know it is no fun. What about the universe as a puppy knows it?"

"Never mind. You." He pointed to the mirthful general, "Off my base. And take her with you."

"I'd love to really. She'd be my successor in all ways sarcastic," he smirked at Landry's shudder, "And the President would really like to meet her too."

"WHAT!" Both men cringed. "THE PRESIDENT! I WANNA MEET THE PRESIDENT! OH PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE…Wait. How in Mordor does the President know me?"

"Walter sent a tape."

"Make me a copy?"

"Done."

"You rock."

"I've been known to."

Landry cleared his throat and glowered.

"But," Jack continued with his carefree tone, "They feel that she might be more use to you here. If she has some important little tidbit to share she'll be here to share it."

Okay, the guy was cool but I had to glare. Though I get that it probably wasn't his choice. Which is why I just used my puny glare and not my smart-assed comments.
You know…learning that your Stargate idol is just as insane as you are is pretty satisfying. Finding out that the President wants to meet you is pretty damn cool. Breaking Landry by founding an alliance with one Jack O'Neill…priceless.

It just really sucked that Jack left soon after. Well not really but he could only spend so much time with his new...acquaintance.

The word is that the President got a call from a harried Landry demanding that he stop the alliance of evil.

It makes me feel all tingly inside that I was a cause to call the President of the United States who Jack informed me was a cool kinda guy.

Ah well. After that little incident I was taken back to my dreary little room with nary an idea as to just what was going to happen to me.

I had suggested, subtly of course, that I be set up in a nice loft in California where I could attend my own college. All courtesy of the government of course. I mean, it's not like I actually want to stay here while evil Ori (heh, I got my spelling corrected!) cause trouble.

Suffice to say I got a resounding 'No.'

Which I tried to point out was wrong because I shouldn't be kept on a high security and highly secret base without clearance. Besides, I'm the subject of a lot of conversations, which is bad. I've noticed that drawing attention to yourself in this universe (or kissing Samantha Carter) is not conducive to a long life unless you are a current or former member of SG-1. Which, obviously, I'm not. And I really really don't want to die. Or be tortured. Or face any amount of emotional, mental or physical trauma. 'Cuz hello! I don't exactly have health care in this universe.

So, I returned to my room and immediately got to the info in my possession.

It's wicked weird to find out what "could have" been. It looks like my Mom and Dad never got together. Dad's married to the traditional type of Mexican woman and has three sons ages 22, 19 and 16.Mom seems to have gotten hitched to a pretty well off gringo lawyer and has a daughter and son ages 13 and 7 respectively. Damn. That's fucking weird. I have five stepsiblings. My little brother doesn't exist. Shit, if that didn't get me crying.

That's not the fucking best part though. They're happy. I can't be totally sure but they sure as hell didn't have their sweet little set-up in my dimension/reality. Mom and Dad were always fighting, they never got married and I'm pretty sure there was some cheating going on. I guess that my theory that they only stuck together for the kids was right. Dad always did want a housewife like my aunts and Mom wanted a man who would put her up in style. It seems that the man I know as Dad has his own Auto/Body Shop. The oldest, named after my father, owns part of the shop and is married. Middle child, Andrew, is at UCLA and the baby Cesar is still in high school. Mom's kids are Elizabeth and Michael and they definitely seem to have inherited her good looks (which she got from her adulterous Spaniard of a father)which neither I nor my brother did.

Crap. This is not making me feel good. At least my favorite cousins are alive. Though not at all like my own versions. Letty is married and 'Leny is studying at Cal State Northridge.

I shut the files and toss them away. They're just making me feel depressed beyond belief. I sigh and decide to take a nap. Maybe this shitfest will make more sense after that.

Waitaminute.

What's that?…T.V.! DVD PLAYER!

Are my eyes deceiving me?

Nope my glasses are clean and everything!

How the hell did it get here though? That had better have gotten here before I came back and not while I was napping.

Oh! A note.

Enjoy.

Holy Elven Goodness!

Mmmm Glorfindel.

I mean whoa! Wait…wipe off the Glorfindel induced drool.

Oh man! Who the hell cares when it got here!

It's so beautiful…wiping off the LOTR induced drool.

"Sweet!" I squeal as I huggle and lovingly caress the whole collection of LOTR: Extended DVD's. This'll get me out of my funk.

So Arwen and Aragorn are about to share their achingly sweet kiss atop the bridge in Rivendell when the door opens.

"Come back later!" I call without taking my eyes off the screen. Almost there.

Denied!

By the tall body blocking the screen.

I stare with all the condemnation I can muster at Lt. Col. Cameron Mitchell.

"You are evil."

He looked confused.

"You…You!" I couldn't even speak coherently!

"What are you talking about?"

"I I was going to be nice to you despite the fact that you invaded my room and went all Hiiro Yuy Perfect Soldier "Omae o Korosu" on me. But you…you interrupted Aragorn! That is wrong!"

Obviously he was unaware of the serious crime he had committed.

I whimpered as I stopped the movie and gave Mitchell my best pout. Honestly, it's not all that great.

"You know…you have awful manners. I should call up your Granny and tell her you've been harassing poor young women."

He smirked, "Miss. Cardenas my Granny would take one look at you and straighten you out. Make you into a proper little lady."

I made a face at the image. And the "little lady" remark. That's just patronizing.

"Okay. Sorry but please call me Cindy. Miss. Cardenas? So not working. No one ever calls me that."

"A bit too familiar don't you think?"

"California girl. We're pretty laid back. But I know you military guys have that whole polite protocol thing going on so I'll let it slide. Now, why are you violating my inner sanctum and keeping me from visions of elven goodness?"

"You're obsessed. You know that," not a question just a statement that doubted my sanity.

I shrugged, "Your point?"

Poor guy shook his head.

He stared at me for a long moment. A serious look on his face.

"I wanted to thank you."

What? Oh noo!

I repeated my thoughts aloud, "What! Oh noo Mister! I don't want your thanks."

He was frowning. Damn his cuteness.

"Look. I'm not supposed to be here. Meaning that you eventually would have come up with the idea and saved Daniel and Vala. I just sped up the process. So don't thank me for screwing around with the space time continuum."

He shook his head, "What possible reason could I have had to come up with that plan? Whether you accept my thanks or not it was you that saved them not me."

I almost choked, "Nonononono!" I babbled as he looked on in consternation. I was tempted to do the whole groveling on and begging shtick but that's hell on the knees.

"Don't you remember? It was a movie or a book or whatever that said it but you're responsible for the people you save! I don't want to be responsible for them! Are you kidding! Daniel dies every year and Vala is an insane thief with questionable fashion taste. Pleasepleaseplease say you saved them. You and Teal'c. Pretty please?"

Okay. That man is evil. He smirked at me. At ME and shook his head. "No way."

"That's pretty cold. I mean. Here I am a nineteen-year-old college student all lost and pudgy without any military training what so ever and you're putting me in charge of the most troublesome pair in the universe? I am so dead."

He chuckled while I groaned.

"Hey. You said your thanks what are you still doing here you fiend?" I questioned with my usual curiosity.

"Well I was hoping that you would join me for lunch," he grinned charmingly.

A little too charmingly.

I frowned, "Either you're trying to pump me for information, you want in on my plan of world domination or you want me to suspend your future aggravation. Oh that was nice, lots of assonance." I muttered the last part to myself.

"Can't it just be me trying to be nice to an amusing young woman who is a bit displaced?" he tried charmingly.

A little too charmingly.

(Whoa déjà vu. Hmm must buy thesaurus. Synonym for charmingly…)

If he thinks his wholesome southern charm is going to work…then he's absolutely right but let's not tell him that shall we?

"If you really felt sorry for me you'd smuggle in some actual food," I drawled.

He chuckled and I got the warm feeling I always get when I make people laugh.

"Besides what kind of idiot would I look like walking around in my jimjams?"

"You were the one who refused a change of clothing," he pointed out.

"Fine. But government food here should be better then the crap I saw on Super-Size Me. And I want my chocolate ice-cream," I told him as I followed him out of my prison...uh room.

Stuffing all family related mental agonizing into a little box in the "Must Repress" part of my mind I thought other thoughts.

After I started muttering, "Glorfy. Leggy. Gilly. Oh three Elly's." I decided to not think lecherous thoughts in the presence of others. Hah, like that'll last long.

That's when it hit me.

Not literally. (Though I did almost do a 'Doctor Jackson' and get knocked on my ass by some random scientist.)

"Fuck a duck," I whispered when it did collide with me. The idea, that is.

That got me a look.

I had been picking at some cold fries when Mitchell returned with dessert. Jell-O for him ice cream for me when he heard my curse.

"What is it?" he questioned with a look that warned me. Of what I don't know.

"It just hit me that I'm in another dimension."

He gave me the 'You're kidding.' look mixed with a little 'You're insane.' and 'You're pretty stupid.'

I choked.

"Eww! Are you trying to kill me!" I hissed.

Bemusement.

"Strawberry ice-cream? Urgh. That's just nasty."

More of the previously stated look only it had more of the third component mixed in.

I pushed away the vile dessert and went back to my first point.

"Look. Where I come from there's nothing supernatural or alien weirdness going on. I didn't come through a Quantum Mirror and this is a T.V. show where I come from. Now, unless the government released the story in order to make us more adjusted to the idea of having a Stargate, which I doubt, then this is not an alternate dimension or reality, whatever."

He interrupted me, I hate that. "What do you mean?"

I sighed, "It means that I don't think my home is on the same kind of frequency, for lack of a better word, as yours is. If you had a quantum mirror and went through all the realities I doubt mine would be there. It's because this is a fictional world in my world. Which has given me the theory that other fictional worlds can me possible. Meaning that anything is possible. There are such things as elves names Glorfindel and Legolas. There are wizard teenagers fighting a dark lord. Hell, there are vampire, unicorns and dragons!"

The immenseness of this revelation hit me just then despite the fact that Mitchell looked skeptical and I struggled for breath.

It's one thing to be displaced from your home and fall into a fictional program. It's a whole other thing to realize the magnitude of the universe, multiverse, whatever. There are innumerable versions of just one universe. For example, every single fanfic in existence could be considered a version of another and then any possible alternate could be compounded from choices that they did or didn't make. If in Tolkien's version of Middle Earth Morgoth rebelled against Eru there are probably billions of universes where he didn't and it was all paradise, where he did and he failed earlier or later, where he succeeded earlier or later or even where other Valar rebelled. And that's just one small possibility. So many choices and possibilities and little variables that are overwhelming my tiny human brain. It's like taking that metaphor that time is some kind of tree that branches out into different possibilities and futures and realizing that it's not a tree, it's a freaking FOREST! A forest of infinite size!

"Miss Cardenas!" Someone was shaking me.

"Stop shaking me!" I muttered and they stopped.

Screw it.

I burst into tears and grabbed onto the closest person. This shit is too heavy for a teenager!

I barely heard Mitchell mutter a simple question as he awkwardly rubbed my back.

"Why me?"

Whoa. Lots of notes so bear with me.

This chapter was supposed to be filled with lots of humor since it had Jack. Somehow it transfigured itself out of my control. Especially at the end.

I was going to post yesterday, a very different version I assure you but you're getting this today!

The thoughts about different versions/realities/universes/etc. makes sense in my head which is good 'cuz they're my thoughts but not everyone has an insane thought process so if you don't understand, well it's more believable because it really only makes sense to the person thinking it. Heck, Mitchell needs clarification too. If you want further explanations, I doubt you'll get them, because it's a real hassle to find the words and organization for how I'm making the universe/time work.

I was so bummed that I only had a few reviews and so many hits and even some people who put me on their fav. list and alert list but didn't review. It made me wonder until I realized that my fic wasn't accepting anonymous reviews! I fixed that so please REVIEW!

Thanks to those of you who did!

Queen of the Elven City: If you read this chapter you'll find what I think of your devious little review. Honestly, giving me a heart attack with my first review. I thought it was a flame. Which would have broken my heart, my first flame should be longer and contain more spelling and grammatical errors. Thank you for your review and please realize that Chocolate ice cream rules. Strawberry lovers are delusional.

Lady Rosebit: I guess it is a little random. But there are a lot of fanfics in other categories where a character is dropped for purely humorous reasons without sappy romance. Of course, though usually include lots of pranks and silliness which I couldn't pull off. I'm trying to keep some vestige of reality. I'm walking a fine line. Thank you.

Shilara: Is it mean if I play favorites? You made me blush! I was happy the whole day because of your compliments! You definitely got me typing and roaring to update. And you're a LOTR fan? SWEET! A nerd as well? shrug I'm proud of it. As well as my geekiness and bookworm tendencies! Cynicism is the best! I dedicate this chapter's elfie thoughts to you because I'm on your favorite's list. The only one as a matter of fact.

hh: Brevity is the soul of wit. That may be true but in this case I would have liked anything more you had to say but since your single word is much more than many others did and I love you for it! Thank you very much from the bottom of my Glorfindel-lusting heart.

Definitions/Explanations!

gringo: Basically, spanish for "white-guy" it's not very proper and can be considered rude/derogatory. (If you're really sensitive. 'Cuz believe me there are worse terms.)

Hiiro Yuy Perfect Soldier "Omae o Korosu": Hiiro Yuy or Yuy Hiiro or sometimes Heero is the character from an anime called Gundam Wing, I can't remember which version at the moment because I haven't exactly seen an episode (though I do read some crossovers) but I believe it's GundamWing/AC. Anyway, he's the pilot of a Gundam and was trained as the "Perfect Soldier" no emotions, perfect aim, etc. "Omae o Korosu" means "I want to kill you" or some variation of it like "I'm going to kill you". Hiiro usually says this to everyone he meets while he points his nifty gun at them, especially Duo. It's his catch phrase.

"Glorfy. Leggy. Gilly. Oh three Elly's.": Glorfy is obviously Glorfindel. Leggy is obviously Legolas. Gilly might be harder, he is, for those of you who didn't read Tolkien, Gil-Galad the elven king, three Elly's refers to Elrond and his twin sons Elladan and Elrohir because obviously their names all begin with "El".

Morgoth, Eru, Valar: Morgoth is Tolkien's version of Lucifer/Satan. He rebelled against Eru, the one true god creator of Middle Earth, and went down into Middle-Earth to take over. Encyclopedia of Arda says: 'Valar' is the name given to the fourteen powerful spirits who took physical form and entered Arda (Middle Earth) after its creation to give order and combat the evils of Melkor (a.k.a Morgoth).

Mordor: Is where Sauron, the bad guy in LOTR, who was the successor of Morgoth, lived.

Last thing, though this is a self-insertion it isn't exactly accurate. So, if you think that by reading this 'fic you have me pegged then you don't. It's a mix of truth and fabrications that make CharacterMe interesting.

If you're lost on the LOTR quotes/references don't worry because I'll explain them. I'd be more worried about the future anime and movie quotes/references.

Remember, you have no excuse now so REVIEW!

Glorfirien