Why Me?

Glorfirien

Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Ensues. Humor.

Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! Just all of 'em. I seem to be going through them as the team do so unless you see the new episode's you might learn something you don't wanna know. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

And if you don't know by now that "The Lord of the Rings", "The Hobbit", "The Silmarillion", et. al. as well as all the characters and plot devices contained there in belong to J.R.R Tolkien then I fear for you.

It took me about a minute or so to figure out that I was crying in public (in the cafeteria of a military facility no less!) and did what any self-respecting person who wasn't some kind of whiny and clingy Mary-Sue would do. I stopped. Quickly.

Honestly, what kind of reputation for evil and heinous acts would I have if I continued to act like a whiny brat?

"Better?" Mitchell asked awkwardly but not unkindly.

"You don't have sisters do you Colonel?" I stated/asked in an effort to ignore the eyes that I felt on me.

I hate being stared at.

Unless I'm on stage of course.

Or I say a particularly shocking thing.

Or I'm in the middle of a chaotic mess.

Okay, I just hate crying like a little bitch in front of people okay!

"You could be a little nicer to me considering you just drenched my BDU's," he pointed out.

I made a noise of disbelief which is impossible to capture is words.

"Don't think of it as drenching…think of it as the rinse cycle."

"So…no more bursting into uncontrolled tears?"

Bastard.

"Just for that I'm not telling you what I know."

Idiot.

Me. Not him. Though it could apply to him as well…

He got a victorious look, "I knew it."

Smug asshole.

Fine, if he was going to take advantage of me I'd return the favor.

"How about we make a deal."

I don't think he liked my tone.

"What kind of deal?"

"No need to be suspicious," my smirk pretty much voided that statement.

"I repeat. What kind of deal?"

"For every question that you ask me of what is to come of what has occurred or what is occurring you owe me a favor."

"No deal."

"Why is that?"

"Too ambiguous. You said for every question I asked not for every question you answered. Plus you also didn't say whether you would answer correctly. There was also no specification on the favor considering that I don't want you to ask me to kill someone just to know what tomorrow's special is."

Damn.

"Are you sure you're not a politician?"

"Are you trying to insult me?"

"I'd say I succeeded by the look on your face."

He gave me a long look.

"Okay. Fine. This will be a question-by-question thing. The larger the question the larger the favor."

"The favor will be decided prior to obtaining the answer."

"Fine. But you cannot spread my answers around."

"I'll have to and you know it."

"I don't mean the big things. I'll make the favors big enough that it won't matter if it's Life and Death. But the small things…embarrassing dirt from past missions that could give you an edge on getting your team together…that can't be made part of the SGC grapevine capiche?"

"We'll discuss it. As you said, a case-by-case kinda thing. Is there anything I should know at the moment?"

"What do I get?"

"Chocolate ice cream?"

"Screw the ice cream. Get me a 2X2 pan of tiramisu and you've got yourself an interesting tidbit."

"All right. I'll bite."

Mmm tiramisu.

"Has Vala left yet Colonel?"

"Yes, she did in fact."

Now he had suspicion all over his face. Maybe a little dawning horror mixed in with lots and lots of denial?

"I'd say to get used to her 'cuz you're going to be seeing her a lot."

"And how do you know that?"

I smirked, "That's another question."

He glared.

I shrugged, "Fine. I'm operating under the idea that while this may be "real" that it still applies to the show in my world. And because of that I remember that the actress who played Vala seemed to be close to the actors who played SG-1 in the preview show that I watched one day. Plus, I saw her on one of the commercial previews. Ergo, they're not planning to kill her off anytime soon and she's going to be around for some reason or another."

He frowned, "This isn't a T.V. show Ms. Cardenas. This is real life."

"This is real life as you know it, not me. Honestly? I'm still expecting to wake up."

There was a long silence.

"Can I go back to my room now?" I asked somewhat bitingly.

He stood and escorted me to the elevators where my guards took over.

As one of my jailors pressed the floor number I couldn't help but sigh and look forward to a nap.

I need a shower.

Badly.

And a change of clothes.

Ugh. As a lazy college student who hated to do laundry and loved to lounge in comfortable clothing I'm used to getting a couple days worth of wear out of my clothing but this was ridiculous. Even if I did wear my clothing for more than a consecutive day I did change my underwear and shower every single day, or night as my schedule allowed. But there wasn't a shower connected with my room and I didn't want to have to use some kind of communal showers. The jump-suit thing that I'd been given was looking mighty tempting but I hadn't been given underclothes and I was not going commando.

Someone knocked.

"Come in," I called out grumpily.

"So you do know how to knock," I feigned surprise as Mitchell entered.

"Daniel collapsed," he informed me tersely.

I frowned because I knew what he wanted and that he wouldn't believe me when I told him that I didn't know. Though I did have an inkling.

"You know Colonel. It could be seen as some kind of weakness that you're depending one me so much. Or maybe you just have a smidgen of a crush?" I taunted as I fluttered my lashes.

I understood his look of disbelief. I did not look pretty. My clothes were wrinkled. My face was grubby, my hair was tangled and braided messily. I probably smelled too.

"How do I help Daniel?"

"Ah ah ah. What do I get?"

"What are your demands?"

Damn. I hate having a conscience. And sympathy that's a killer too.

"I want a shower. By myself. No guards in with me though they can stand outside. Then I want to be allowed off base with two escorts and some shopping money to procure some clothing."

He blinked.

What did he expect? It's not like I wanted his firstborn child. Maybe to carry it…

Okay. Stop the fan girl thoughts. Icky bad thoughts.

"Agreed."

I sighed, "I can't be totally sure about this but this would be a perfect reason to get Vala back to the SGC. Last time Daniel went night night was because of her…maybe she didn't know as much about those bracelets as she thought she did. Find her."

He nodded and left without another word.

Rude much?

An hour later one of my guards knocked and told me he was taking me to shower. He was new. Like the woman who accompanied us.

The trip was short and they both stood outside the door as I rushed in and used government issue everything to finally get clean. I think I wanna kiss whoever put out a brush for my use. After I stop crying from pulling out large chunks of hair.

I was surprised that the jumpsuit thing actually fit and though I didn't wear my underwear (because it was just nasty to think about wearing days old underwear after getting clean) I did wear my jimjams under the thing because you never know just who wore it previously.

The guards led a much happier Cindy Cardenas to her room.

The shower had allowed me to do some contemplation.

This was not a desirable position ladies and gents. And it was fairly obvious that I was not going to be getting home anytime soon. I'm basically the property of the US Military. No papers equals no citizenship.

So screwed. Really, I'm so fucked that it isn't even funny.

Wow. A third knock in the same day. I'm getting popular.

"Yes?"

I blinked as a pretty woman dressed in black slacks, a white dress shirt and lab coat opened the door.

"No more probing!" I begged mockingly.

She chuckled.

"I'm Dr. Amanda Taylor. General Landry wanted me to help you with your clothing problem."

I couldn't help but grin.

But stopped when she started to look apologetic. She wasn't here to…Mitchell agreed! He wouldn't make me…

"I'm sorry but you can't leave the base. You're going to be given access to a computer and order some things online."

Oh. That's cool.

I thought that this woman was going to play my mother and shop for me.

Only my mother can do that.

Or could.

Damn…think happy thoughts…CLEAN UNDERWEAR!

That did it.

I looked up at the Doc.

"Are we doing this from here?" I asked politely. Hey, she was helping me get clothes. And maybe she's a geek who would let me do some shopping in the B&N site. And hopefully I could get her to let me on F.-F-NET See what the differences are. If there is one, that is.

"We can. Or I could take you out of your boring room into the bland halls to my office. Thus, providing you with some stimulation," she smirked.

I like her.

"So what kind of doctor are you?" I questioned.

"Psychologist."

I did the thing with my face where my eyebrows climb up my forehead, "That's not reassuring."

She chuckled.

"They're making you check up on me?" I almost whined.

"In a way. You have been through quite a trauma after all."

Okay. I like psychology. It's fun to learn how to mess with people. I don't like it when it's used on me.

"I think I'd prefer doing this in my room," I informed her rather tersely. I was starting to change my mind about liking her. In fact, my goodwill was quickly turning sour.

"General Landry wanted me to tell you that should you consent to a psych evaluation he would allow you three hundred dollars more in spending money on anything that you wanted within reason," she looked smug.

Bitch.

"Fine."

Smugger. (Is that a word?)

"But, I get to choose when since you said should I consent and didn't specify an exact time," I saw her open her mouth the object and continued. "Of course you'll agree since you won't want to lose my trust over something so trivial," she shut it. "You must, however, tell me just what a psych evaluation entails keeping in mind that I can ask various people on base. I'm also assuming that this will be totally within the patient/doctor confidentiality thing and you won't be reporting the minute details of my life to Landry or the Pentagon." She nodded and looked rather offended. "I would also like to request a computer or laptop with Internet access for my room and understand that my surfing would be monitored."

"And how do I know that you won't try and wriggle out of your agreement after you get your stuff?"

"That would be a pretty stupid move on my part. It would just make me look like a liar and thus untrustworthy in the eyes of the people I am completely dependent upon."

Duh.

She nodded.

"I think that your demands are doable as well as rational. I cannot promise anything about getting something in your room but I will try." She looked encouraging and not patronizing. I guess she finally realized that I'm not a child no matter how I look. Maybe its because she's used to the adult and battle worn members of the SGC that she came off so abrasively.

She led me into what was her office and motioned to her chair, "Sit there and use my computer. I'll be looking over your shoulder and monitoring your purchases."

I shrugged and did so. My fingers immediately took me to the first place I wanted to hit. Victoria's Secret.

I heard Taylor make a noise behind me.

"Didn't peg me for the type Doc?"

She glared a little.

"How much spending money do I have?"

"Eight hundred including the extra three."

I quickly went to the clearance sales and started to click stuff onto my cart. Cotton bras and panties in solid colors was what my purchase consisted of seeing as I was not the type to wear lacy thongs.

"How is this getting paid for?" I inquired as I hit the checkout button.

Her hand came into my line of vision. In it was a card. A bankcard with my name on it.

"How?" I whispered as I took it.

"It seems that General O'Neill had some people establish an identity for you. It included a bank account. There's only the eight hundred that I told you about in the account."

"What's the PIN?" I demanded hoping I didn't look touched. Damn, I really owed the guy.

"Your birth month and day."

She also handed me a paper with an address and other stuff like zip code.

I finished filling out the information page and chose overnight delivery. I'd spent a little over a hundred. Only seven to go.

In another hour I had visited various other sites. I really hated shopping online. It's such a rip-off sometimes. I mean I couldn't go without my jeans from American Eagle but if I wanted sandals and sneakers I could have gotten a much better price at one of the $5.99 stores I frequent. Unfortunately online shopping meant corporations, which meant overpriced stuff. Oh well. Capitalism.

Which is when I finally made it around to B&N. I quickly browsed and bought half a dozen books and another half dozen CD's. This was followed by determined browsing which let me find some reasonable prices on anime DVD's and manga. Heaven.

"I'm finished," I addressed Taylor who had been quiet during my little spree. I wouldn't put it passed her to be analyzing my clothing, literary and musical preferences like a good little shrink. I wonder what she'd make of my Hellsing and YuYu Hakusho fixation.

My fingers itched for some fanfiction but I really didn't want to take up anymore of Taylor's time considering that I'd feel like I owed her something.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk now?" Taylor pressed.

I let my glare speak for me.

She called in my guards who led me to my room. Again.

I guess this calls for yet another nap.

I'm starting to think this much sleep isn't healthy.

Hell, I don't know what day it is or even if it's day or night!

I couldn't bring myself to try and watch LOTR again since Mitchell put me off kilter. Bastard. Now every time I see the bridge scene between Aragorn and Arwen I'll think of him. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing…OH! No! Bad brain! No crushes on older fictional characters!

Like that ever works.

Damn brain didn't listen when I said the same thing for Snape. Or Aragorn. Wesley too. Not to mention my Batman fascination (Cartoon not movie!). sigh I'm such a sucker for the tall and dark ones. I have big soft spots for the sweet and funny ones too. Why else would I drool over Xander and Yusuke? Argh! My 'Love to Lust' list is too long! At least I only admit to having two vampire fascinations. Alucard and D. The first is an insane and bloodthirsty specimen the second is just so poignantly tragic. Screw the Angel, Spike, Simon, Lestat, etc. fangirls. They don't know what they're missing.

Okay, I really need to stop with the rambling. I miss important things that way.

Like knocking.

"Enter," I chirped. I ignored the nameless SF and zeroed in on the laptop in his grasp.

My precious.

Whoops. He's giving me a weird look. I think I said that aloud. Heh.

He looked a little uncomfortable.

I think it was the naked look of want that I was shooting in the direction of the laptop. Licking my lips probably didn't help.

He quickly put it on the desk and made a quick retreat.

I was pressing the 'on' button before the door even shut.

Aw crap.

I think I scared the guy off too soon. No Internet connection.

Damn.

This sucks.

Could someone, anyone at all, please answer me this: Why me?

Notes! Umm this chapter was hard for me. I didn't really like how it all came out but I honestly don't think I can do any better, my insanity seems to be on vaycay so I had to make do. Hopefully I'll get back in the groove and get a better product for chapter 4. Try not to hold it against me okay?

The Mitchell/Cardenas interaction was finished a week ago but I wanted more so Taylor came into being on Thursday and the rest just flowed. Awkward but it works.

I was going to post yesterday but I hadn't proofread nor gotten my notes and replies to reviewers. Plus I had a party to go to and I crashed right after. It's a good think tomorrow's a holiday.

Definitions/Explanations:

Manga Japanese comics

Hellsing and Alucard Hellsing is the name of a manga and an anime show that has to do with what the name suggests. Vampires. More in-depth, the organization led by Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing (female) known as Hellsing which takes care of the vampire threat in England. Their secret weapon, Alucard. If you don't get it, write his name backwards.

Yuyu Hakusho and Yusuke This manga/anime has to do with a punk named Yusuke who dies and gets a chance to come back to life. In doing so, he proves himself and becomes a detective for Spirit World (Reikai) and searches out paranormal activities/threats caused by spirits and demons.

Wesley You know? From Angel? When he becomes all edgy and dangerous? Whoo boy.

Xander Ah the Zeppo. He's my kind of guy. Sense of humor. Determination. Loyalty. Honor. Why can't they make 'em like this anymore? Buffy didn't know what she was missing.

D The vampire from the manga/anime Vampire Hunter D. A dhampir (half human/half vampire) who hunts vampires. We've been led to believe that his father is the notorious Dracula. Hence his name, D.

Review Replies for my much loved Reviewers

hh: Nice! I have a new friend. And this one ISN'T imaginary. Right? You're not are you? I won't hold it against you if you are. I'm glad you decided to review again! I thought you were going to be lurker and was so pleasantly surprised to read your lengthy compliment. And the praise? Definitely appreciated, though some would say it gives me a bit of an ego. "A day may come, when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of Fellowship, but it is not this day! An hour of wolves and shattered shileds when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight!" –Aragorn ROTK.

Queen of the Elven City: I'm sorry! I didn't mean that in a mean way! I put that in there just for you since you were my first reviewer I thought about something special to do and teasing about your strawberry ice-cream fixation seemed like the thing to do. Don't be mad…please? On the other hand I'm glad you like the interaction with Jack. So…this means we're alike? That's a scary thought. No, it's not bad that you understand every LOTR reference. I find that I do so as well. Snorting out hot chocolate? THAT'S WRONG! Not only did you waste perfectly good chocolate but that must have hurt! It's okay though because I made you laugh. (Again, teasing!) Thanks for your review always appreciated.

Tarrenys: Thank you. It's always nice to be loved by default/association. Did you like any particular part? Or were you just totally amused the insanity of it? Thanks for taking the time to review!

Jwhennig: Wow, that's a definite compliment. You know someone likes your fanfic when they risk the ire of their boss to read it. Honestly, whenever I'm around a computer I start to read so I know how it goes. I try to ignore the weird looks after laughing like a hyena for no apparent reason. I've gotten good at that. Must be all the practice. My thanks for your review. Do repeat the gesture in the future. (Though maybe not at work. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble.)

Gemini: Woah! That's great flattery (and you know what they say "It'll get you anywhere!"). I don't know if it's EVERY Stargate lover's dream but it's nice of you to think so. Hope this update was soon enough for 'ya! If not then review again and tell me so! Thanks and hugs!

Gateaholic: I'm a sarcastic joker and I love making people laugh. Especially people who are nice enough to tell me that I did so! Don't worry, here's the next chapter and I'm gearing up for the next ones though they might not be as funny and maybe a little shorter. But you'll still read 'em though right? Thanks and review again soon.

GuessWho: Do I really have to? And did you have to shout in capitals? I can hear you just fine. I'm glad I got you interested even if you're not a Stargate fan (blasphemy!). I like that line too. And I know I'm not 19 but my character is! So there! I happen to have the mentality of a four year old so that's a moot point anyway!

I don't know when the next chapter will come into fruition but it will eventually be born.

Stay tuned!

Glorfirien