Why Me?
Glorfirien
Summary: "It is my belief that I have been the unfortunate victim of some kind of act of god that has taken me from my home dimension and popped me right in the middle of this insanity." A girl from our reality appears in front of the Stargate. Insanity Ensues. Humor.
Season/Spoiler: Season 9 Spoilers! Just all of 'em. I seem to be going through them as the team do so unless you see the new episode's you might learn something you don't wanna know. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.
I have also edited previous chapters. Mostly spelling errors and such but I thought everyone should know.
Taylor's office.
Hey, I figure that I might as well get this over with.
"I swear. If, at any time during this session, I hear the phrase, 'And how does that make you feel?' or any variants there-of I will scream," was the first thing that flew from my mouth as I entered the room.
Heh. Adams snorted.
Taylor glared at my guard and he got the whole stoic 'I have no emotions or thoughts but to follow orders' face and left the room.
"I'm glad to see you here."
…
Okay. I can be a pretty twisted person but I'm not exactly mean and spoiled. I love screwing with people's minds but even I have my limits. I think it's hypocritical of me to believe that all shrinks are going to screw me over. So, I will endeavor not to be a total bitch to Taylor because she is a human being and worthy of some consideration.
And I almost kept a straight face through the entirety of that thought.
"Would you like to tell me a little about yourself?"
"Not really."
"Please. I insist."
"What kind of stuff exactly?"
"Whatever you feel comfortable with."
I stared beyond her. The wall was perfect, an inanimate canvas to which I could aim my words.
"I'm not comfortable with any of this. I wake up, it's a normal day, only to find myself disproving any ideas of normality I may have had. And you don't get it. I'm just another disturbed patient. Funny, the whole freaking world is disturbed. How can you possibly…never mind. I mean, Just imagine waking up in…oh…Coruscant (1). It's just a movie! But now you're faced with these people, people who had only just been characters and not alive. Not thinking and feeling and living. And you know exactly what's happened and you can't do anything to help them. Which, sadly, isn't even your first priority because, duh, getting home would be first before anything. I'm secure enough to admit that this shit scares me and that I wanna go home where, admittedly, life was boring and normal but it was safe. Honestly, have you looked I mean really analyzed the kind of crap these people have gone through? This is a hotspot for weird shit! Viruses, invasions, possessions and lord knows what else. And I'm supposed to be enthused that I've landed here? That I'm not only a suspect but probably an interesting pawn to have for those who think that I might hold a lot of information that could give someone an edge. Who can I trust? Who's gonna trust me? Who's gonna care if I get snatched up by some shadow organization? I mean really care. About me. The person that I am. Not some kind of pseudo-Cassandra who has come to save them all."
By then I was ranting.
Taylor was looking very compassionate and soft.
"How about we touch on your life prior to this? Your home life maybe?"
"My parents love and spoil me and my brother but are pretty hostile towards each other. My brother and I bicker like five year olds but gang up on everyone else. I'm the nerdy goody-two-shoes type," I could have sworn Taylor looked skeptical, "And my brother is the rebellious hates school type. This is my first year of college and boy am I happy to be away from home. I have a couple close friends and lots of good acquaintances. Like any stereotypical Mexican family I have a lot of relatives, just like the files you got on them say. And now my brother doesn't exist. My parents aren't together, and I'd say "thank god" except for the fact that my existence hinged on their getting horizontal with each other. And the rest of my family isn't really my family. How's that? I'm a complete non-entity here. I'm a paranoid bitch too. So, I'm kinda waiting to be put in some high security base under lock and gee doesn't that sound kinda reminiscent to my current situation? Or am I reading to much into it?"
That shut her up.
Not that she was actually saying anything…
"Would you like to talk about the things you enjoy doing?"
"I like debating. Talking about the silliest and most random things which make people confused and bewildered and give me a sense of superiority. Which probably stems from some childhood insecurity which I most likely acquired from some perceived negligence on part of my parents. I like to do a lot of pleasure reading, mostly fantasy and sci-fi, as well as watch lots of television and movies. I equate these as my escape from reality and problems which are used to cover up my insecurities and apprehension. Again, in an effort to sustain the illusion of control. I also enjoy going out with my friends, eating at a restaurant with good food, maybe a little shopping, and good conversations. These instances are when I feel social and part of a group as well as mature. Well, as mature as I can possibly be. What do you think? Did I classify all my symptoms correctly?"
"Miss Cardenas, please. I am the doctor here. I would appreciate it if you were less caustic and insolent."
"Well, I attribute my sarcasm to my feelings of annoyance and anxiety and my insolence to lack of respect for people whom I don't particularly care for."
"This session is over. Hopefully you'll be calmer tomorrow."
You know, I think I'm actually going to enjoy these sessions. If only for the sheer Taylor annoyance factor.
I was pressed flush against the wall by Adams on the way to get some food. People in what I've always thought of as radiation hazmat suits were all in a rush to get by. Sad because being pressed flush against the wall by certain elves, rangers, demons, heroes, archaeologists, et al. used to be a favorite fantasy of mine.
"Where are they going?" I question my reticent guard as the last of the group turned the corner as I try to get certain inappropriate thoughts out of my head. Suffice to say, I lost the battle.
"Classified," was his terse answer.
Geez secret military organization paranoia much?
"Translation ladies and gentlemen? SG-1 is in trouble. Again. Man those people really must have some kind of sign stuck on their back. 'Member of SG-1. Please kidnap, torture and endeavor to exterminate at your earliest convenience.' And none of 'em die! Did you notice that? I mean, not permanently. They're like freaking cockroaches. Or Buffy! She died and came back. They have the worst luck, they're constantly getting abused physically, mentally and emotionally but they never just die and give up! It's crazy!"
Throughout this whole tirade Adams was nodding, looking kind of disturbed but his lips twitched once or twice so I guess I amused the man.
My room. Again.
I'm seeing a pattern here.
Have I expressed lately how much I loathe these four walls?
No but abstinence would be appreciated on your part.
Abstinence? Since when am I in danger of participating in premarital nookie?
Nookie? I can't believe you just referred to sex as nookie.
What else should I call it? Hide the sausage. Horizontal Tango. Shagging. The Dirty Deed. Copulating. Mating. Banging. Doing The Nasty. Screwing. Humping. Making The Beast With Two Backs. Making babies. Procreating. Partaking in the Delightful Sin of Carnality.(2)
You are most certainly a disturbed individual.
You should know.
Sadly, to my own detriment, it is so.
Who hit you with the proper stick? And the vocabulary branch?
Just because some of us prefer to present a more refined attitude to the world gives you no entitlement to poke fun.
Well, those of us who take enjoyment from poking fun at beings who believe themselves to be removed from the average people and utilize such weapons as the perceived proper way of speech to further distance themselves from said populace feel that they are utterly justified in doing so. It is a sacred duty, bringing down those who are full of arrogance and ignorance to the level of average mortals.
All right! Stop with the convoluted speech already!
Heh.
…
So….
Yes?
What's the sitch, Sara?
Sara?
Well, I can't very well keep calling you Sanity and Rationality can I?
You named me. I'm touched.
You're incorporeal.
Figuratively, you spawn of evil.
I take offensive to that! My brother is the spawn of evil. I am the undisputed heir of annoyance, irritation, infuriation, exasperation and aggravation.
Forgive me.
Thou art forgiven for thine trespasses.
Thanks.
As well as thine use of biting sarcasm.
I appreciate it.
Now stop deflecting and tell me why the hell you're talking to me! Not that I don't enjoy the company.
Moi? I'm just trying to keep you occupied and entertained for awhile. Keeps you at normal levels of insanity as opposed to your usual lunacy.
I'm sure the world appreciates it.
As does the universe as a whole.
That's it? No interesting tidbits as to what's gonna happen to me? What my purpose is? The villain du jour? Daniel or Mitchell's underwear preference?
Funny. But no. I am not at liberty to discuss that information.
Crap. It happened. Overexposure to covert military operations has corrupted you. Shoot me if I start with the undercover-ops bullshit.
Gladly.
Whatever.
The next time I saw the group there was some definite tension.
I'd overheard the gossip about Mitchell falling ill and almost dying on some planet, the SGC grapevine is disturbingly efficient, and I was glad that he was okay.
"Hey everyone! How's the defense against the scum of the universe going (3)? What's with the long faces? Is our doom looming over us in a clichéd and imminent fashion? I hope not 'cuz Mitchell still owes me some tiramisu." Hey, when all fails, use humor. Wisdom that Xander Harris and Jack O'Neill have imparted upon me time and time again.
"YES! Our doom is nigh! These idiots are actually trusting that slimy Goa'uld Nerus! You would think that the infamous slayers of the Goa'uld would know better!" Vala exploded into a rant.
Earning her some glares from her companions.
"Vala, she does not have clearance," Daniel ground out with a lot of exasperation.
"Screw clearance!" I breathed with disbelief. "You're actually trusting a snakehead? ARE YOU BONKERS! Nothing good can come of this! He is soooo trying to screw you over!" I tried to keep my voice down.
I'm not sad to say that I failed.
"Oh? Is this some of your fabled future knowledge?" Daniel questioned sarcastically.
Oh homeboy did not just.
"No. It's my own unsurpassed intelligence," I shot back just as scathingly, "which is something you all seem to be severely lacking! When is a Goa'uld ever helpful unless its in his own best interest?"
"Please take Ms. Cardenas back to her quarters," Mitchell broke in.
Adams grabbed my arms and started to drag me out.
"NO! DAMMIT! LISTEN! HE HAS ULTERIOR MOTIVES! HE'S THE BAD GUY! THEY ALL HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES! THE BAD GUYS ALWAYS SCREW OVER THE GOOD GUYS! AND UNLESS YOU'VE GONE TO THE DARKSIDE HE'S HERE TO FUOOMPH!" That last part was Adams putting his hand over my mouth.
I considered biting or licking but: A.) I don't wanna die. B.) He's the only company I have right now. C.) Eww! Who the hell knows where his hands have been?
Instead, I allowed it and followed him, my anger coming at me in waves instead of tsunamis. Adams removed his hand and let me go.
"They're not serious are they? Shit, this stinks of backstabbiness. Why the flying fuck would a snakehead help? Considering that the shithead Ori are passing themselves off as all powerful gods why would Nerus go with the underdogs instead of the powerful guys who just beat said underdogs? Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture? Shit, this better not mean Earth is in for another apocalypse."
Beat of silence.
"Oh god. I feel like Crazy Cassandra(4). No one is believing me or Vala. Hell I don't blame you people. I wouldn't believe me or Vala either. Crap. What a cockup."
I was silent as we traversed the gray halls of my benevolent prison.
Sara? Are you there? What the frick is going on? The snakehead is trying to screw Earth over right? Are we gonna die soon? Sara? Dammit Sara!
"I need to use a phone," I snapped as I opened my door.
"You are not sanctioned for any phone calls," Richardson informed me.
"Then I want to speak to General Landry," I insisted doggedly.
"The General is a busy man"
That's it? The General is a busy man. Puh-lease.
"Well then you use the phone for me!"
He gave me a look.
"Take me to Taylor," I was just shy of hissing.
Taylor was scrutinizing me.
"Why would you need to use a phone?"
"I have my reasons."
"If you are from another dimension then there is no one for you to call."
If? I can't believe it! She has been told and still won't believe.
"Then put the call on speaker phone. I don't care if I'm monitored but this is important."
Taylor stared at me for awhile and I really had to restrain myself from fidgeting.
She pushed the phone towards me after grabbing the receiver and pressing the right buttons to put it on speakerphone and to make a call outside the mountain. Probably some personal code like what they used to have at my high school so that the students wouldn't be able to use the classroom phones.
I quickly typed in the number from memory when the time came.
"Good Afternoon," I cut off the automated system and typed in the extension number.
"General O'Neill's office how may I help you?" a pleasant voice questioned after the call was transferred.
Taylor looked stunned.
"Good afternoon. I don't have an appointment but General O'Neill would want to speak with me if you could tell him that Cindy Cardenas is asking for him," I spoke politely.
"What department are you with?" the voice sounded a bit more on edge.
"I'm calling out of the Cheyenne Mountain Complex in Colorado Springs," was all I said and let her draw her own conclusions.
There was a silence where I was avoiding Taylor's curious glance before the voice I was waiting for called out a greeting.
"If it isn't my apprentice! What can I do ya for kid?" Heh. Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention one detail from the previous meeting between myself and the illustrious General O'Neill? I just hope General Landry doesn't find out anytime soon.
"Do you know yet? What am I saying? Of course you know! What are you going to do? Shoot him? Zat him? Vaporize him? Chop him up into itty bitty pieces and incinerate the remains?"
"Whoa! Wait a minute there! What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the fact that there's a slimy snakehead on base and that people actually seem to be listening to what he's saying despite his status as the scum of the universe!"
"Where did you get your information?" Suddenly, the guy was all serious.
"A certain wife-thief of your favored archaeologist."
…
"Well?"
"It's none of your concern."
"The hell it's not! I'm stuck here and I'll be damned if I lose my life because of some snakehead!"
"It's being dealt with."
Wow. That's a lot from this guy.
And I know it was all I was going to get.
"Thank you."
For being a good guy, for not pitying me, for trying to make me feel comfortable despite the shitty situation.
"You've got nothing to thank me for."
…
"I know you've got a bunch of other things to do, being a big bad General and all so I'll let you get back to your vital paperwork."
He chuckled, "Later kid."
Here's hoping I live to see the end of the week.
I've gotten used to sleeping in jeans.
It's still not terribly comfortable but seeing as people around here forget to knock sometimes I'd rather be decent than comfortable.
I'm rather thankful for this when I'm told the General wants to see me. Immediately. Gee doesn't that sound fun?
"Geez. Who died?" I'm instantly sorry for my choice of words when all the people's faces go wonky. Sort of hard. Shit. Someone probably did die.
Change of subject.
"Hey! Blonde, leggy and intelligent! And boy did that come out wrong 'cuz I'm totally not hitting on you. Not that I wouldn't…if you know…I wasn't straight and you weren't straight. You must be Col. Carter! Please don't hurt me! How's it going? You've probably heard of me through the grapevine already but I'm Cindy. How've you been? I already asked that didn't I? Ummm…I'll stop now."
What do you think? Willow Worthy (5)?
Score! Annoyance and amusement wherever I go.
"So…what's the what?" I question as I sit to face the Inquisition.
"I've received reports from your various guards," he began.
"I didn't do it!" I blurted.
He did the nifty eyebrow thing.
How come I can't do the nifty eyebrow thing?
"You didn't do what exactly?" he questioned.
"Umm...whatever I'm about to be accused of?" I answer uncertainly.
"It seems, Ms. Cardenas," he continued slightly disgruntled, "That you have been holding out on us."
"Holding out? Was I supposed to be putting out?"
Pause.
Blush.
Rewind.
"Okay. I have no clue just what I'm being accused of so please just lay it out for me."
"From the various comments which you have made to your guards we have been able to conjecture that you have indeed been keeping vital pieces of Intel from us," Daniel took over in a somewhat smug but unpleased tone.
Huh?
"What comments? I haven't made any comments!" I denied.
Mitchell flipped open a file and started to read, "En route to her designated room, after meeting Mitchell, Jackson and Mal Doran, Ms Cardenas said, 'It would be rather funny, and just their luck, if they had to traipse around the galaxy to get those two apart only to find that they have to wait it out. Or worse, that they're stuck.' End Quote."
I blinked.
"That happened?" I questioned.
Daniel took his turn next, "While escorting Ms. Cardenas to procure her lunch we intercepted a med team in hazmat suits. She questioned me about their destination and I responded that the information was classified. She then stated that SG-1 was in trouble."
"Hey! That wasn't a prediction that was a fact! One of the sections in the SGC handbook says that SG-1 is always in trouble! You guys get into so many weird situations that I wouldn't be surprised if there were bets placed on what kind of trouble you'd get yourselves into every time you go through the gate! Didn't Adams write what else I said? All the members of SG-1, past, present and future have a sign stuck to their backs which states 'Member of SG-1. Please kidnap, torture and endeavor to exterminate at your earliest convenience.' So there. Not hiding any secrets. Everybody knows the kind of chaos that follows on your heels."
"If you're quite finished," Landry spoke drolly.
"Continue," I waved a hand airily.
"Gee. Thanks. Your validation is sorely needed," Mitchell snarked.
"That is why I bestow it," I tossed back.
A cough. Carter's way of getting a word in. "Your most recent incident was again with SG-1. Where you predicted that Nerus was going to double-cross the SGC and was, in fact, allied with the Ori."
"I must, as respectfully as I am able, deny the false allegations which have been made against me. As to the first instance I can plead nothing more than a sick and ironic twist of fate. The second count holds no water as I have previously stated. As for the third, if Nerus did indeed backstab the lot of you then don't try and pin it on me! Didn't I warn you to not trust any snakehead? I warned and no one listened. I didn't know that this would happen but I'm glad to see that if I had been issuing some kind of forewarning that I would be taken seriously," Ibite outsarcastically.
"This is not helping your case," Landry informed me with quiet intensity.
"Not helping my case...yeah well the only way my life could possibly get worse is if people start with the torture. So, being stuck in a claustrophobia-inducing room isn't the worst thing that you can do to me? I hate this! I'm a college student, I'm supposed to be procrastinating in my dorm, watching movies and eating popcorn. Not in this screwed up reality listening to you people accuse me unfairly. I want out! I'm a United States citizen and I have my rights!"
Apparently I don't have rights.
I got kicked out after my little episode.
Okay, I was forcibly ejected and "escorted" to my room.
Well, what else do you expect? You were acting like a hysterical female.
Why is it that females are always characterized as being hysterical? It implies irrationality and somehow inferiority. Not very egalitarian.
...Right. Whatever. Okay listen, we have some problems.
What now?
You're not supposed to be here.
...Duh.
I meant that you've finished what you were meant to accomplish. You're not supposed to be in the SGC. You have priorities elsewhere.
Oh yeah. That helps. I'll go up to Landry and tell him that the voice in my head is demanding that I leave. That'll clear things right up.
Don't be a smart-ass.
If I am one how do I stop? I am a smart-ass just like I'm a female...well there is a procedure for the latter so there must be one for the former...
Off topic!
So What the hell is going on? What crazy shit am I going to be knee deep in now?
Don't worry about it.
Oh yeah. That reassures me. I feel so safe now.
Someone on the other side is screwing with things. You were supposed to have been released and set up at UCCS by now.
Other side?
…
Sara? What other side?
…
...Not...not that "other side"! Right? Please tell me you're not talking about evil screwing with me!
Okay. I won't tell you.
I'm stuck in a television series which features continual chances to die in a painful and bloody way where no one trusts me and the dark side wants to get me out of the way; with a snarktastic(6) voice in my head telling me it'll be okay.
…
I'm gonna die.
…
Dear God, I love and respect you, I really do, but out of all those people who are begging to do your will why did you choose a smart aleck nineteen year old college student with zero life experience? Why oh why did you choose me?
…
God?
…
I'm not gonna get an answer am I?
Probably not.
He's laughing his ass off isn't he?
Giggling discreetly more like it.
No knowing smile a la Dumbledore?
Nah.
Oh.
Well. It's been informative.
That it has.
This is awkward.
Yes, it is.
Don't you have baddies to get off my ass?
Okay okay. Geez Can I get a little credit? A little appreciation?
Can I get a little more work and a lot less chit-chat?
God, as your servant I would like to appeal of your good nature and beg the question: Why me?
…
(Snickers)
Damn.
End Chapter 5 Finally!
First of all I want to apologize for the long wait. College started and I got soo busy and I missed so many episodes that it's not even funny. But I did it. I finally cranked this out and I really hope you guys like it. I can't tell you all how thankful I am for your continued support, it really helps.
So please REVIEW.
Sadly, the rules state that I can't add review responses in here so if I couldn't get to you through e-mail look at my profile for my thanks.
As a carefully subtle and hidden hint for the poeple who actually read my notes...we're approaching the end my friends. Buckle up and enjoy the rest of the ride!
Hey! It's my birthday tomorrow! (April 12) The birthday girl would like some reviews!
(1) The planet belongs to the Star Wars universe which is property of George Lucas et al.
(2) Heh. It took me awhile to recall those.
(3) That line is from Men in Black.
(4) Cassandra, you know, theTrojan princess whoknew the future but was cursed with no one believing her prediction.
(5) Willow babble from BtVS!
(6) Thank you Moonlup forcalling me snarktastic!
Glorfirien