SEED Monthly Chapter 3: Volume 1 Issue 3, a gundam seed fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED. Any similarities that this fic might have to anything are purely coincidental.

Volume 1 Issue 3

Message from the Editor

Again, we are terribly sorry for the delay of this issue… we seem to be always late on the update, huh? Well, we are seriously considering changing our publication's name. Maybe it should be 'SEED Monthly'… Heh. To make up for the lateness of this issue, this one will be longer by say, a word? Kidding. But seriously, this issue will be longer.

So what can you find in this issue? More news about the bloody floating jinx that is the Archangel, that's what. We heard that they landed in the Desert Tiger's lair? Well, tsk, tsk. Tough luck. We hope that Andrew Waltfeld can survive meeting the cursed ship. For our regular columns, Miss Murrue Ramius is still angsting over her crew members and the Earth Alliance in general. Miss Flay Allster on the other hand, is enjoying her popularity and Kira's bed, ahem, ahem as our advice columnist. Many letters are pouring her way and she's got her hands full answering them (-looks at Kira and Flay-)… well, maybe not that full.

Anyway, this issue's feature story is about Athrun Zala and Lacus Clyne, the most popular love team in the PLANTs! There are rumors that they have broken up, is this true? We let you decide for yourselves! Read on and find out what sort of juicy gossip we can mange to squeeze out of them.

Well, that's it for my editor's note. It's getting quite long... But before I end this... Thanks to our loyal readers and their wonderful reviews! Thank you very much! To subscribe to our newspaper, please press the "Add Story to Story Alert" button down there. For your comments/suggestions, press the "Submit Review" button. And for those of you who want to check-out our other published works, press the "Add Author to Author Alert" button or click on my name on top! Thank you very much!

- mumyou nanashi (formerly known as 'lazy-authoress')

NEWS

LEGGED-SHIP LANDS ON DESERT TIGER'S LAIR

By Crot Buer

Last February 14, the Archangel was reported to have landed in ZAFT-controlled territory in the African Community, the location of the headquarters of 'Desert Tiger,' Andrew Waltfeld.

The Archangel, more commonly known as the 'cursed ship' of the Earth Alliance, landed there prior to their emergency descent after saving their butts – er – being commanded by Admiral Halberton of the 8th Orbital Fleet. The Earth Alliance officials, hoping that the curse of the Archangel would rub off on ZAFT, were reported to having encouraged this particular crossing of paths with the Desert Tiger himself.

"Well, let's just say hope that the Archangel manages to blow up those Coordinator scum!" said a very excited and insane-looking Murata Azrael, director of the Atlantic Federation.

And it seems that the Archangel truly is a jinx, both applicable to ZAFT and to the Earth Alliance. One of the ship's equally cursed mobile suits made chopped meat out of the Desert Tiger's forces. Eye witness accounts say that an unknown third-party was involved.

This publication only hopes that that third-party would think twice before casting their lots with the Archangel.

ARCHANGEL CREW APPREHENDED FOR UNAUTHORIZED PARTYING

By Shani Andras

After the battle with the Desert Tiger's forces, where the Archangel emerged victorious, some members of the crew where reported to have thrown a victory slash bachelors' party. There was a lot of stripping, drinking, dancing, horrible singing, and heavy partying involved.

The organizer of the party was one Arnold Newman, a crew member of the Archangel. He was still in a slightly drunken stupor but the SEED Weekly staff managed to get his statement. "It was a (hic) blast! We even managed to invite this (hic) lady with blue hair and yellow (hic) highlights! But her manager, a brown-haired (hic) prick, had this stupid (hic) rule about 'no-touching!' But I still managed to (hic) steal a pat on the (hic) shoulders!"

Commander Mu La Flaga, also known as the Hawk of Endymion, apparently broke up the party after realizing that he "was not invited." The party then was considered unauthorized and the organizers would be facing court martial as soon as they set foot on JOSH-A. The other superiors of the ship, First Lieutenant Natarle Badgiruel and Captain Murrue Ramius had different views on the situation. (The two almost broke into a catfight, had we not intervened.)

The Captain, a seemingly lax woman, was only amused but after finding out that some of the crew men used her party – er – things, vowed on Admiral Halberton's grave that those involved will be seriously dealt with. Ms. Badgiruel, however, was furious right from the start and had wanted to blast the crew man to the ends of the earth. (Note from staffer: What a stupid woman! Yeah, sure! Kill the only person who can drive the accursed ship! Really smart!)

DESERT TIGER PUNISHES TASSIL

By Orga Sabnak

After the confrontation between the Archangel and the Andrew Waltfeld's team of BuCUEs last February 14, in which the blasted ship clearly won, the Desert Tiger took matters into his own hands and vowed to find the traitors who helped the ship.

A few loose-lipped Archangel Crew members were reported to having leaked the information to the Desert Tiger's woman. It was then revealed that the mysterious helpers were the local resistance group, the Desert Dawn.

The Desert Dawn, backed by a rich benefactor, used explosives – the expensive kind, mind you – to destroy the BuCUEs. The leaders of the Desert Dawn were unavailable for comment but a few eye witnesses reported that there was a brawl involving the brown-haired young pilot of the Mobile Suit of the Archangel and a member of the Desert Dawn, a young man with shoulder-length blond hair, after the attack.

That night the Desert Tiger blew the town of Tassil, 'the home of the Desert Dawn', into smithereens. There were no casualties, surprisingly. The EA attributed this to a miscalculation on the Desert Tiger's part. Hah! And I thought Coordinators were supposed to be smart!

BLUE COSMOS ATTACKS BANADIYA

By Asagi Caldwell

Blue Cosmos, a radical environmental group bent on the obliteration of all Coordinators, was reported to have caused disturbance in the town of Banadiya last February 20.

The group's target appeared to be just innocent bystanders enjoying their kebabs. The proprietor of the restaurant released this statement, "This is very bad for business! Very bad! But even so, I would like to remind my customers that this won't happen again. So eat now at Osama's Kebabs! The Best Kebabs in town!"

Some of the suspects got away but a few of them were found dead on the spot, so the investigation is put to a halt at the moment. Disturbances such as this are considered early-day occurrences in Africa, anyways.

On the other hand, before the incident, two persons, a brown-haired man wearing a stupid hat and sunglasses, and a young man with shoulder-length blond hair were seen arguing about what goes well with kebabs: yogurt sauce or chili sauce? Authorities suspect that there is some sort of connection between this incident and the terror attack, so they placed 200 orders from Osama's Kebabs and find out once and for all, the answer to the mind-boggling question.

DESERT TIGER, FUTURE DESIGNER?

By Mayura Labatt

After the Blue Cosmos attack on Banadiya, some Desert Dawn members and the Desert Tiger himself apparently had some sort of closed-door meeting, of which the topics are still unknown.

The Desert Tiger, known for his love for coffee and a strange habit of dressing up his guests, was hospitable and gave the rebels proper treatment. The Desert Dawn rebels were apparently turned-off by the Desert Tiger's strange mannerisms.

A blonde-haired young woman dressed in a green dress, accompanied by a brown-haired young man, was seen storming out of the Desert Tiger's estate mumbling, "…a goddamn dress! They forced me into a bloody, stinking dress!"

Some sources revealed that the young woman was in fact the very same 'young man with shoulder-length blond hair' that frequently appeared in our reports. We are terribly sorry for the mix-up.

ATHRUN ZALA AND NICOL AMARFI COME HOME

By Juri Wu Nien

Athrun Zala and Nicol Amarfi, both members of the elite Le Creuset Team of ZAFT, came back to the PLANTs after a long reconnaissance mission.

Athrun Zala, son of ZAFT Head Patrick Zala and the fiancé of pop-idol Lacus Clyne, was back home to spend time with his fiancée and to relax before his next big top-secret mission. Please go to our feature section for the interview with him and Lacus Clyne.

Nicol Amarfi, on the other hand, came home to have a concert. "I'm going to give my best and I hope that the audience will like it. I am also hoping that this won't be my last concert," the famous pianist said.

ADVERSTISEMENTS

OSAMA'S KEBABS: the best kebabs in town! Even if you're from ZAFT, the EA or whatever group, you'll surely enjoy this delicious delicacy. Best enjoyed with either yogurt or chili sauce, we do not advise combining the two sauces however.

The DESERT TIGER NEEDS YOU! Due to an unforeseen incident with an enemy warship, the Waltfeld Team is currently in need of replacement pilots. Excellent pay and funeral benefits plus free coffee at Andy's Coffee Paradise. I'm not that picky, just make sure that you have no ties whatsoever to that bloody masked man, Rau Le Creuset.

In need of war materials? Not a member of EA or ZAFT? Got a rich benefactor? Well, worry not! Here at Al Jairi's Trading, Inc., we offer the best prices and the best weapons! Come visit us at our warehouses located near the town of Banadiya. Water is, after all, needed to survive in the desert!

Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull, life? Join BLUE COSMOS, a radical, environmental group! We just recently lost a couple of men on our research team due to a misunderstanding... But the chances of you getting killed are zero to zilch, so there's no need to worry! Just show us how much you hate Coordinators and you're in! And we think it goes without saying that Coordinators are NOT invited.

Having trouble sleeping? Suffering from insomnia? We've got the answer to all your sleeping problems! Y.A. Productions present Nicol Amarfi's latest album, 'Theme of Tears'. Featuring the carrier single with the same title. Listen to this and you'll surely get knocked out! Ask one of our satisfied costumers, Athrun Zala! Buy it now and we'll give you a 0.01 discount! Offer good while supplies last.

-start shameless plug-

Want your very own KIRA YAMATO? Then you'll simply love the new KIRA YAMATO unit! It talks, walks, eats, sleeps, pilots and cries just like the real Kira! Coming to a Gundam SEED fanfiction section near you! For reservations, ask the editor-in-chief! Also available: ATHRUN ZALA and CAGALLI YULA ATHHA units. Coming soon: LACUS CLYNE!

-end shameless plug-

NEEDED: A NEW TOWN. Must be in Africa near Tassil but far from the Desert Tiger, if possible. Must be fireproof and explosive-proof. Must be able to house rebel groups such as the Desert Dawn. Interested parties may call Sahib Ashman at the evacuation center.

FEATURE

HOW TO SURVIVE MILITARY LIFE

By Murrue Ramius

Like I said last issue, this is getting very annoying. We landed miles from our original target, because of the Hesitant Pilot (you know, for a Hesitant Pilot, Kira-kun kills a lot), and not only that! We landed on ZAFT-controlled territory! Oh joy. I think I'm beginning to believe this ship is cursed.

We had a freakin' hard time fighting the Desert Tiger's BuCUEs and, surprise, surprise. Natarle ended up questioning my orders AGAIN! The nerve of that woman! So tonight, along with our distress signal to JOSH-A, I'm including this message, "Kick Natarle out of this ship. She stays, I go. End of message." It's short but sweet, ne?

Going back to my story, we were having a hard time fighting off the BuCUEs. My heart almost stopped when I thought that the MS that we were carrying was sinking on the sand. For once, I'm glad that Kira's a Coordinator. Well, not just 'for once', many times actually, but still I don't find his constant crying and hesitating amusing.

He managed to defeat several BuCUEs but then he starts losing power. Stupid time-limit. Wonder why they can't run on gas like the good old days. I thought he was dead meat and was on the verge of rejoicing when out of nowhere, some guy butts in and blows up all remaining dog-like monstrosities.

We found out that it was the local resistance group, the Desert Dawn. And that the guy who butted in was, in fact, a she. Can't blame me, though. She does look like a boy. But she helped us, so I guess it doesn't matter. So for lesson number three:

E - nemy's

N - otified

E - nemy

M - ay prove to be

Y - our bestest best friend

What does it mean? Simple. Common enemies make great allies. We and the Desert Dawn had a common enemy, that stinking Desert Tiger (stupid nickname in my opinion. Where the hell can you find a Tiger in a desert, huh? And I thought Coordinators were supposed to be smart). So we joined forces and defeated him! Good riddance!

Addendum: Argh! What the hell happened to my ASPIRINS! I need then now, more than ever! The nerve of that Newman! How dare he lend my lingerie (the sexy kind) to that stripper! He is so dead!

ASK FLAY

(This is a no-nonsense, straight-to-the-point advice column by Flay Allster)

Dear Flay,

Um, hi. You don't know me! You really don't. Well, here's my problem. I have a problem similar to that of your other reader, Aegis. Well, I have a fiancée and we were doing fine before this war started. Even if it was an arranged marriage of sorts (kinda weird, huh? We're years from the future and they still have this kind of stuff), I was very certain that she liked me a lot, too. She's very pretty, kind of like – er – you. Her dad died in a freakish accident and after that this so-called friend of mine enters the picture and she completely ignores me. When I confront her about it, she suddenly goes, "My father arranged that, and since he's dead, there's no point of us being together!" What's with that? I thought what we had was special! And this so-called friend of mine goes, "I'm a Coordinator, hear me roar!" and then twists my arms. Talk about violence. I'm lost. What should I do? Should I go after my girl? Or forget about her for the sake of my so-called friendship with my so-called friend?

Love, I mean, yours truly,

Crewman Glassman

Dear Crewman Glassman,

What a weird nickname… I sure as hell don't know anyone who would go by that name, if I did, I'd have severed ties with him by now. Anyway, enough with making fun of your nickname... That's sure one heck of a dilemma. You should go talk to Aegis sometime. Wouldn't it be funny if you were talking about the same guy? Haha! Well, like what I told Aegis, you should just kill off the guy. But he's a Coordinator, right? Hmm… that would be difficult. But I truly suggest meeting up with Aegis. Maybe he can help you with that. You know what they say; people with the same problems have the same solutions! Or something like that… As for your poor fiancée, don't put the blame on her! She just lost her father, she might just be having a hard time thinking about things. Give her time.

Hope I helped with your problem!

Flay

Dear Flay,

Hey, just call me, uh, Strike. I'm very much depressed right now… I feel so bad. You see, I have this friend, um, Aegis. He and I used to be very close, but we sort of drifted apart. He told me that he didn't want war but now, he's with ZAFT. His very pestilent teammates and equally annoying team commander is endlessly pursuing us. After a very bloody battle, a father of one of my friends got killed right in front of her very eyes. She hated me for it. But when I couldn't save an escape pod from the enemy's hands, she comforted me, and said that it was alright. I'm getting kind of freaked out by her and at the same time, a little turned on. You see, I really like her. She's been my crush, like since, forever. Well, it would've been all nice and dandy except she has a fiancé. What's worse, her fiancés one of my good friends. I'm really so confused. And add to that, Aegis has a fiancée too, who seems to like me as well. What do I do?

-Strike

Dear Strike,

Are you, by any chance, the same Strike that my reader Aegis has been telling me about? Well, if you are, I just can't send you away… So I'll try my best to answer your questions on a different point of view. Well, you obviously have tried to talk to Aegis and it wasn't a pretty sight. But don't worry, now that I've heard your side of the story, I'm seriously doubting Aegis now… Poor girl. She is obviously going through a hard time now, so don't blame her for acting so strangely! Please stop thinking about others! Think about yourself and the girl! You two should be together. As for Aegis' fiancée, forget about that bitch! Make up your mind, you spineless wimp!

Love,

Flay

Dear Flay,

I'm a rebel from a local resistance group. There's this girl that I like (who's often mistaken for a boy). I don't think she likes me like that. It's getting pretty hard for me. Why can't she notice that I like her? I've tried everything, saying yes to all her stupid antics, saving her a place in front of the fire place every night, everything! But still she remains oblivious of my feelings for her! Is there another way to express my feelings for her where she can't say 'no'?

Thanks!

Rebel-With-A-Cause

Dear Rebel,

Have you tried dying in front of her very eyes? If the answer to that is yes, and that still didn't elicit any action on her part, I suggest you get over her and enjoy your afterlife.

Flay

PS. I only SERIOUSLY answer the letters of the main cast.

A NOT-SO-BLOODY VALENTINE

An Interview with Today's Hottest Couple, Athrun Zala and Lacus Clyne

By Aisha Waltfeld

What do you get when you put together PLANT's most eligible bachelor and most popular songstress? Why, Athrun Zala and Lacus Clyne, of course! These two, both from the higher end of society seem to be a match made in heaven. Read on to find out the real deal between them and the answers to the rumors circulating in the grapevine, straight from their mouths!

Aisha: Hello there, you two! How was space?

Lacus: Oh, it was nice! There were floating debris everywhere and I met some very nice people at the Archangel.

Athrun: Space was space. And I can't exactly enjoy it when I'm fighting a war, you know.

Aisha: Ooookaaaayyy…. Moving on! How exactly did you two meet?

Athrun: Er…

Lacus: We met during one of our fathers' get-togethers!

Aisha: I see… Was it love at first sight?

Athrun: Uh… I mean, well, I kinda… um…

Lacus: Well, I guess it was… not.

Athrun: Not really. We were – what? – 12 years old, then. That's the time when boys start to get over the 'girls are gross' phase.

Aisha: So how did you really get together?

Lacus: Actually, it was our fathers who decided for us to get married. But I don't mind. Do you, Athrun?

Athrun: Huh? No, not at all.

Aisha: Er… so… you don't really like like each other? (MAJOR REVELATION!)

Athrun: It's not that…

Lacus: I'm actually very fond of Athrun. And Athrun feels the same way. Don't you?

Athrun: Yes…

Aisha: So, are the rumors true? About Miss Lacus cheating on you?

Athrun: (eyes narrowing) Where'd you get that information?

Aisha: From a very reliable source at the Archangel. Thanks Arnie!

Lacus: No! That's not true. I'm not cheating on anyone! I've always been fair.

Athrun: Er… That's not what she meant, Lacus. What she means is: are you seeing someone else behind my back (-cough- Kira –cough-)?

Lacus: Oh my. Are you sick, Athrun?

Athrun: (sigh) No.

Lacus: Well, to answer your question… I don't think so.

Aisha: So, the wedding is still on?

Athrun: I guess.

Aisha: I suppose this has nothing to do with Lacus' alleged pregnancy?

Lacus: P-pregnant? No!

Athrun: Who told you that?

Aisha: Well, some guys from the Vesalius said that Lacus' stomach was lumpy when you returned her.

Athrun: No! That lump was her clothes!

Aisha! So… you two… you know…?

Athrun: What? No! Of course not!

Lacus: What? What's she saying?

Aisha: Well, it seems that getting information from you two is like drawing blood from a rock, so I guess it's high time we end this interview. Thank you for your time and good luck to your offsprings!

Athrun and Lacus: You're welcome.

Well, until next time folks! I think I need a break… Talking to those two gave me a headache.

MESSAGE BOARD

To the Vesalius

(Raspberry) : P

From the Archangel

Attention: Mr. Yzak Joule,

We would like to inform you that you missed two meetings of our ANGER MANAGEMENT program. Failure to attend the next meeting will force us to report your negligence to your direct superior; in your case, Commander Rau Le Creuset. If you still refuse to attend our weekly sessions, we will have to take drastic measures and bring the matter to higher authorities, i.e. your mother.

You have been warned.

From HEINE WESTENFLUSS' "Cool your Head" ANGER MANAGEMENT PROGRAM

PS. Better show up now, Joule. Heard you got an ugly scar on your forehead. We're gonna need divine intervention if we want to get rid of all those negative vibes.

To the Handsome Pilot of the Duel

Is it so bad for me to express my wanton desire for you, beloved? No need to get violent now...But I'll still be watching you. Cheering you on your fights and waiting with bated breath for the day when we'll finally be together. Too bad that other pilot gave you a nasty scar! But still, your face is so... (swoon)

From your Secret Admirer

Hey Mayu!

Isn't this great? I'd just like to greet you a happy day! And I borrowed your phone the other day. (sheepish smile) I was thinking, could you change the color of its casing? It's pink for goodness' sake! How come you've got a cell phone and I don't? (whines)

From your loving oniisan, Shinn

Sutherland,

Remember, whatever happens DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT reply to the Archangel's transmissions. I kind of like the JOSH-A base as it is. You've heard the rumors that it is cursed, right? Rumors or not, we are NOT taking any goddamn chances.

Reminding you for the preservation of our blue and pure base, I mean, WORLD,

Azrael

To the lady with the yellow highlights on her blue hair,

Hey! The party was great wasn't it? All thanks to you, pretty lady! We hope you can attend more of our parties in the future! Oh, before I forget, did I tell you that it was the Desert Dawn who helped us fight that Desert Tiger bastard? If I didn't, well, I'm telling you now. I don't know if I managed to tell you since I was so drunk that night. Anyway, nice bunch of guys, those Desert Dawn are. Well, we gotta go! 'Til next time!

- Arnie Newman and the rest of the bachelors of the Archangel

PS. Do you still have Captain Ramius', uh, clothes? Well, if you do, can you send it back via FedEx?

To the Desert Kitten (sneer)

Hah! In your face, Waltfeld! Thought you could defeat the legged-ship, huh? Dream on, sucker! What made you think that you'll even manage to scratch it when my team couldn't? Just curl up in your LAGOWE and die, you pathetic bastard! Oh yeah! I forgot... (sneer)

Your fellow ZAFT Commander,

Rau Le Creuset (sneer)

Kira, you bastard!

How dare you steal my girl! As if killing my friends wasn't enough! Haro reported that you've seen her undies! That's right! Sweet, little, ole Pink-chan! (bet you're shocked, huh? Pink-chan's not just a goddamn toy!) Damn you! I haven't even seen her bare feet, yet! Now I'm really going to kill you!

From your ex-best buddy, Athrun

PS. How was it? What color...?

Mother,

Please put your heart to rest. I am safe here at Gibraltar with my team mate. Please don't worry anymore. I miss you terribly. I hope that you are doing alright up there in the PLANTs. The pilot of the Strike did give me a scar on my face. It's not very pretty to look at... which reminds me... to the fuc - er - stupid (can't curse in front of my mother, you know...) pilot of the Strike: Shii-ne! Sturaiko! Anyway, I love you, mother.

Your son,

Yzak

To My Dearest Cagalli,

I moved your wedding date... Happy now? So would you please, please go home, sugarplum? Daddy misses you so very much! I'm hearing rumors that you joined forces with the Archangel? Oh, please say you didn't! Those jinxes will be the death of anyone who crosses their path! Come home, daughter! I've got a pink MS here in the works for you...

From your loving Father

To that stinking masked man, Rau Le Creuset:

Drop dead, you freak!

From Hawkie

Message to our READERS

Watch out for the premier (is that the right word?) of my column, Fanfic Review! Thanks to C-Town Chica, who finally agreed to let me review her fic, Photographs of War. Look out for it next issue! I'm currently away on training... Damn that Azrael! 'Punishment' and 'Torture' were not in the job description! Damn him to hell! My body aches like crazy!

And I'd like to greet my two fellow living CPUs! Hey, Shani, Crot! What did I say, you bastards! I told you I'd get my big break sooner or later! Heh! Just drown in envy, you suckers!

Anyway, it's a good thing someone finally gave me my own column. God knows how fed up I am with all the stupid news that I have to write!

As you may not know, I'm very fond of reading novels and other such stuff. And despite my being kind of insane sometimes, I'm actually very capable of criticizing others' works. And for those who still doubt me... well, f--k off!

Stay tuned, okay!

From the new REGULAR columnist, Orga Sabnak

PS. Asagi, honey, sorry but we have to lie low for a while. Azrael's bugging me and now I have this column to occupy my time. You do understand, right?

Editor-in-chief: mumyou nanashi

News Editor: Ledonir Kisaka

Feature Editor: Erika Simmons

Writers: Orga Sabnak

Shani Andras

Crot Buer

Asagi Caldwell

Juri Wu Nien

Mayura Labatt

Contributors: Murrue Ramius

Flay Allster

Aisha Waltfeld

Cover Illustrator: MapleRose - www. deviantart. com/ deviation/ 37264555/ (take out the spaces)