Summary: A look at a season 5 where Spike doesn't realize so soon that he's in love with Buffy and a different, more stable friendship begins to form.

Mostly follows season 5 with some dialogue borrowed from episodes 5x10 "Into the Woods", 5x11 "Triangle", 5x14 "Crush", 5x18 "Intervention" and 5x22 "The Gift".

F is for Forbidden

Love, a boundless feeling;

free to give. Free — to receive.

But not a love like mine —forbidden!

Not a love like this.

Such love must stay hidden

inside dark corridors

beneath my ribs.

You mustn't look at me tender

you mustn't talk to me sweet;

you mustn't give this wild bird

Its desired pair of wings.

-Forbidden Love, Clairel Estevez

They say that love will set you free, she'd heard that all her life. It was said by the characters in her favorite movies, the ones that overcame the odds and held on to each other despite everything. Sure, they were fictional characters but they'd stoked the fires of her belief in true love. They say that love will you set you free but they were wrong.

Love caged her. Trapped her in the dark and riddled her with lies. She lived with it because he looked at her like she was his whole world. She loved it because it was forbidden and that was an ingredient in all the best romances. When he spoke to her with that soft voice and told her that she made him feel like he'd never felt before, she really believed that they'd find the key one day. The key that would unlock that cage and then love really could set them free.

Then he told her he was leaving. Leaving her, leaving town. He was giving up when she'd risked everything for him.

Sometimes she thought she'd literally die. Keel over and stroke out or something. Her life as a whole was unfair and challenging but this last turn of events, the one that handed her her shredded heart on a plate, it was too much. She loved him, complete with her stomach twisting whenever she so much as thought about him. It was a love that few people ever felt, she knew this as a simple intrinsic fact even at the tender young age of eighteen.

Fate spat in her face, yet again. Dangling him in front of her face just to yank him away from her. Letting her love him while ensuring that they could never be together. Not again. Not now that they knew what he would become if they were together in the way that they wanted to be.

Only...she had thought that maybe they could still have something. It was that hope that'd had her lying to Giles and her friends. It was that blind faith in them, in him, that had her still standing tall when the truth came out and she had to face their condemnation.

So maybe she deserved it when he destroyed the tattered remains of her belief in their love. As she stood there, staring out at him from across the smokey parking lot, frozen with the sudden realization that he'd really meant it when he'd told her he was leaving. The tendrils of betrayal started to entwine with the frayed threads left of her heart and for a moment she hated him. She hated him as much as she loved him.

How dare he look at her like that.

~BTVS~

If there was a word to describe Riley, 'forbidden' wasn't it. He was everything she should want in a partner. He was everything her friends wanted for her. Topping the list of 'the good' was the heartbeat. Also, point for not going evil after sex or having a body count that stretched continents. He was human and normal- well, as normal as anyone in Buffy's world got anyway- and he really, truly loved her.

She found out later, as their relationship progressed and things got harder, that he really, truly only loved pieces of her and wasn't as interested in the whole Buffy pie. What was it with the men in her life? What made them think that they had the right to tell her what she needed? Angel told her she needed someone normal so she'd found Riley.

Now Riley was accusing her of needing someone like Spike? That she couldn't make time for him now that he wasn't suped up with whatever drug cocktail the Initiative docs were giving him? Hello, did he forget that her mom had a brain tumor? Or that some super powered demon chick was hunting for her sister? God, it was like she was just supposed to stop being the slayer and just be Buffy to appease him.

Newsflash, that went out the window five years ago. There is no such thing as Buffy without the slayer. She'd had to learn that lesson the hard way.

Hell, maybe Riley was right. Maybe she did need someone like Spike, he who has always seemingly seen the girl and the slayer. Buffy frowned through her thoughts. Maybe she hit her head on patrol harder than she'd thought.

~BTVS~

She'd loved a vampire, she'd fought many vampires. She'd rarely hated vampires. Even Spike, in his evilest times, she'd never really hated. He'd been too worthy of an opponent to hate. Sure, he'd had his pathetic, crying over his hoebag ex phase that wasn't too appealing or fear inducing and then, you know, being effectively neutered by the chip hadn't really done his reputation any favors either, but still. He could verbally spar with her and maybe it was a testament to how damaged she was that she somewhat enjoyed those moments.

She'd hated the master but he'd killed her so she figured that was justified. Darla wasn't exactly a fond memory either. Drusilla, well that crazy bitch killed Kendra and was a reminder of the monster Angel had once been. Yeah, she might hate Dru a little bit.

However the vitriolic hate that she was experiencing right in the moment burned brighter than any other time she could remember. Maybe it was unfair, to take her rage out on the faceless mass of demons who were stupid enough to set up a suck shop in her town, but if she didn't hate them then she'd hate her boyfriend. The one she was supposed to love.

"Never known you to play unfair, slayer," an annoying voice commented dryly from behind her as she watched the building full of vampires burn.

"I'm not in the mood, Spike," she said without inflection.

"Can see that," he replied, she heard the snick of his lighter and watched out of the corner of her eye as he brought the flame to his lips and lit the cigarette that was dangling from between them. It struck her, not for the fist time, how contrary he was. "Don't care," he added.

"Did you know about this place?" she asked, accused was probably the more accurate adjective, as the flames of fury started to build up within her again as the sound of sirens hit her ears.

"What place would that be?" he asked while raising his brow.

"The place where humans come to be fed off of," she spat with a wave of her hand.

Spike's scarred brow raised further and a flash of surprise sparked through his eyes. It was quick but it was enough to convince her that he hadn't known about the place. "Vamp brothel, eh? Ballsy move to make in slayer territory," he chuckled with a shake of his head. "Dunno why it's got your knickers so twisted though, pet. Not like the nummy treats didn't sign themselves up for the risk," he pointed out with a shrug and her ire just rose at the reminder.

"Riley was coming here," she heard herself say, internally cursing herself as that tidbit of information slipped out. The last thing she needed right now was Spike using it to taunt her about her inadequacies like he'd done after her night with Parker last year.

Spike went still and surprisingly silent as he took that in. He cocked his head as he studied the burning building. "Take back what I said about nummy treats, then," he finally said contemplatively. He turned to her suddenly and she was shocked to see something that resembled sympathy in his eyes as he wrapped his long pale fingers around her elbow. "C'mon slayer, best not be at the scene of the crime when the bobbies get here, yeah?" he said as he guided her away from the burning symbol of her latest relationship.

She surprised herself, then, by willingly letting him draw her away.

~BTVS~

He was gone. Riley. Left in the middle of the night because she couldn't tell him two seconds after he'd betrayed her that she could just get over it and they'd be okay. Xander's words rolled through her brain. Had she treated Riley like a rebound guy? She'd supported him, loved him, stood by his side through the whole mess with the initiative. Sure, she'd forgotten to mention things a time or two and he'd found himself on the outside of the loop but those were sincere accidents.

She'd never maliciously hurt him like he had her. He had known what he was doing every time he snuck out of her bed and visited that vampire brothel. Maybe he just hadn't counted on her waking up and following him one night. Or maybe he had.

She wasn't perfect in their relationship but neither was he and she kind of hated how Xander made it sound like she was the only one responsible for their downfall. Would he have been able to forgive Anya in less than twenty four hours if he'd been in her shoes? If Anya had gone looking elsewhere for something he couldn't give to her?

If she were honest she could admit that maybe a small part of her did think of Riley as convenient. Not in the way Xander meant it though. It had been convenient that he had already known about the existence of demons and that he could fight them. Convenient that he couldn't lose his soul if he loved her and maybe she didn't love him as much as he'd loved her but she certainly hadn't just been using him as a bed warmer, and really, maybe he didn't love her as much as he claimed to have.

You don't do what he did to the person you love.

~BTVS~

She wasn't sure why she found herself outside of his crypt or why she took those few final steps and barged in like she owned it. He didn't look surprised to see her, had probably sensed her hesitating at the door. "Ever heard of knocking, slayer?" he asked blandly before bringing a glass up to his lips and taking a sip of the blood he'd poured into it.

She looked around pointedly. "On what? The dead guy's house?" she snarked back.

Spike dramatically brought a hand up to his chest. "You wound," he replied with a roll of his eyes.

She sighed and let herself further into the crypt, weaving around the furniture he'd decorated the place with before slumping down on one of his chairs. "Riley left," she told him, unsure why she was confiding in him.

"What d'ya know? Dreams really do come true," he replied dryly, raising his glass in a toast.

"Shut up," she bit out, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Oh come on, slayer. You didn't think I'd be heartbroken over the loss of that tosser?" he scoffed.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "He told me to get over it or he'd rejoin the military."

The vampire actually did look surprised at that. "Just like that?"

"Pretty much," she confirmed with a nod. "I mean, it wasn't exactly those words but that was the gist. Buffy doesn't do too well with ultimatums," she groaned, letting her head fall back against the back of the chair.

"Right ballsy of him," he said as he gracefully collapsed on the couch opposite her. "Cheatin' on his bird and then 'spectin her to beg him to stay," he continued. "Prat," he huffed out.

"Right?!" Buffy exclaimed, becoming more animated. "That's what I said! But Xander was all like 'you treat him like the rebound guy when he's really once in a lifetime guy' and 'you should go after him before he leaves forever'," she mocked with a frown.

Spike rolled his eyes. "Sounds 'bout right. Didn't he cheat on the cheerleader a couple years ago?" he asked suddenly.

Buffy narrowed her eyes. "Yeah, I seem to remember you playing a key roll in that saga," she replied accusingly.

Spike laughed and held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Oi, I never told them to start snogging."

She rolled her eyes. "What does this have to do with anything?" she demanded.

Spike shrugged and she noticed his eyes shuttered a bit as he gazed off into the distance. "Just that cheaters usually have a different view of things than the cheated, yeah?"

Memories of drunk off his ass Spike in the wake of Drusilla cheating with a Chaos Demon came flashing back to her. Sympathy that she hadn't been able to drum up back then suddenly flooded her. "Yeah," she agreed quietly.

What a strange, sad thing for her and Spike to bond on.

~BTVS~

Anya used to date a troll. Okay, so he hadn't been a troll back then apparently but still. Honestly, Buffy wasn't sure why she'd been surprised. What was more surprising was realizing that Xander had been playing pool with Spike just before Olaf the troll came in to the Bronze demanding ale and babies.

She hadn't been shocked that Spike hadn't been much more than amused as he'd watched her fight the troll but when she'd been tossed into him just as he went to chug some more beer he hadn't seemed to put much thought into dropping his mug to catch her before tossing her back into the fray and sidling right up next to her as though he belonged there.

They worked in tandem and she wondered how she'd never noticed how well they knew each others moves before. Probably because they spent more time bickering than fighting together. They were tossed around like rag dolls though and the troll managed to disappear after he brought down the second story, trapping Buffy beneath it.

She strained to lift the heavy platform off of her, almost sighing in relief when a swish of leather nearly brushed against her face just before Spike helped heave it off of her. She stood up and looked around. "Where is he?" she asked.

"Gone," Willow replied.

"Xander, follow him. Anya, Willow, head back to the magic shop. Find a spell that will actually stop him," she told her friends, before turning her attention the remains of the Bronze and helping heave beams off of trapped victims. She stood up to look around in time to catch Spike's blue eyes flash yellow as he took in the destruction around them.

She watched as his hands tightened into fists as he fought himself for control, how his eyes seemed to zero in on a drop of blood that had dripped down from someone on the upper level, intense hunger flashing through his gaze. She was just about to say something to snap him out of it when his eyes shot back to her, blue again. "Bet he'll be going after Red, didn't sound too chuffed about going back in that bauble," he pointed out as he started towards the door, or what was left of it.

"Right," Buffy said, frowning in disbelief as she looked back at the destruction and easy access blood that he'd managed to leave behind.

~BTVS~

Something twisted in her gut when they realized Drusilla was back in town. All the bad that had been accumulating the last few months, most recently with the Watcher's Council trying to control her again before breaking the news that Glory is a Hellgod followed quickly by yet another birthday getting ruined when Dawn ran away and broke into the Magic Box with Spike, resulting in them both discovering that she was a mystical key thing and not a real girl after all.

She'd been so pissed at Spike for letting Dawn find out like that but he'd been right. When he'd told her that she should have told Dawn herself, that she'd been safer wandering around after dark with him than she would have been without him. She'd told him as much, apologizing for her assault against him in the only way she knew how to when it came to him.

It was a strange world she was navigating. A world in which the vampire that had once sworn to kill her was now becoming something of a confidant. Now that he knew about what Dawn really was she found herself telling him about how worried she was about being able to protect her. He'd rolled his eyes at her when she'd expressed those worries. "You save the world and the people in it, Summers. That's what you do," he'd told her as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Besides, it isn't just you looking out for the nibblet now, is it? Quite like the little brat," he'd told her with a sniff before marching on as though they hadn't just had some sort of strange bonding moment.

Now she could lose him and the realization that there was something to lose was no less shocking as it was true. Spike had managed to worm his way into her life without her even realizing it. He was who her sister went to when she didn't feel like talking to Buffy. He was who her mom invited in for cocoa time and time again because she enjoyed their conversations. He was who her friends didn't mind hanging out with at The Bronze when they ran into him there, Xander even playing pool with him from time to time. Well, pre-troll anyway. He was the guy who would roll his eyes and reluctantly allow himself to be drawn into Giles' relentless questioning about the things that only Spike had experienced first hand.

Things had been slowly changing between the group of them even before Riley had left but that seemed to be the biggest catalyst. A new normal had slowly been forming without any of them even really noticing. There had been a bond formed between her and the vampire ever since Riley had betrayed her. An unspoken acknowledgment that they, out of everyone else in her friend group, knew intimately what it was like to be betrayed by the person you loved.

The thought had struck her more than once that, while she'd been essentially cheated on by a man she'd been with for just a little over a year, he'd been cheated on by the woman he'd loved for over a hundred years and realized just how little she'd understood back when that whole thing had gone down. She didn't know when she'd started believing that vampires really could feel and love and experience heartbreak even without a soul, but she no longer doubted that they could. Or, at the very least, Spike could and did.

Now Drusilla was back in town and Buffy didn't know what that would mean for the fragile new world they found themselves in.

~BTVS~

Buffy crept through Restfield Cemetery, the knowledge that she'd find Drusilla there both certain and terrifying. Ever since she'd spied the blindfolded doll on the train when she and Xander had investigated the brutal slayings she'd known that she would end up here, facing an uncertain future. Spike hadn't been seen or heard from since they'd figured out who was responsible for the massacre and it made her stomach tighten with some unnamed emotion. Voices drifted through the breeze and caressed her ears as she sidled up towards the ajar crypt door.

"So, uh, let me get this straight," she heard Spike say with no small amount of humor in his tone. "Darla got mojo-ed back from the beyond. You vamped her. And now she and you are working on turning Angel into his own bad self again," he summarized. Wait. What? Buffy reeled, trying to make the words make sense and barely noticing Drusilla's hum of agreement. "Sounds fun," Spike replied sardonically.

"It is," Drusilla cooed. "Like lollipops at the circus." Buffy rolled her eyes and clutched her stake tighter. "Although…didn't care for Angelus setting us on fire," she said, the pout obvious in her voice. Buffy felt a bit lighter at that piece of information.

"And this has got you, what? All nostalgic now, has it?" Spike questioned calmly.

"I want us to be a family again, my William." Buffy heard the vampire's heels against the stone floor as she moved she heard whispered words that she couldn't quite make out. She heard Spike though, when he spoke again.

"To Los Angeles? I've done the whole L.A. scene, Dru. Didn't agree with me," he told his crazy ex and Buffy could hear movement again, she could almost picture him pacing. "Besides—hmm? I've got a sweet little setup here in Sunny D," he told her. "Decent digs...not to mention all the tasty townies I can eat."

Wh-huh? Buffy stiffened. No. She'd know if his chip had stopped working. Drusilla confirmed her thoughts with her tutting response. "Naughty. Shh. You needn't make up stories. I already know why you're not coming," she heard the vampiress tell him. "Poor boy. Tin soldiers put funny little knickknacks in your brain." Buffy was again reminded of the scary powers the insane-o vamp held. "Can't hunt. Can't hurt. Can't kill," she continued, anger evident in her tone. "You've got a chip."

"Right. So you've heard," Spike bit out in reply and she heard anger tinging his tone for the first time. "Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up someday," his voice rose and Buffy jumped when something crashed loudly. She was surprised to realize that she hadn't heard or seen this side of Spike in a long time.

She rolled her eyes and fisted her hand in her mouth to keep any quips from tumbling out at Drusilla's reply, because of course. "I don't believe in science. All those bits and molecules no one's ever seen." This coming from the chick who got visions? "I trust eyes and heart alone," she continued. "And do you know what mine is singing out right now?" she asked him.

Buffy edged a bit closer to the door at her next words. "You're a killer," she all but whispered. "Born to slash and bash and...oh! Bleed like beautiful poetry," Buffy cringed as the pants that filled the air. "No little tinkertoy could ever stop you from flowing."

"Yeah," she heard Spike drawl in agreement and her heart lurched, spine straightening as she prepared herself for what would inevitably come next. What he would force her to do. It sounded like he came back to himself in his next words. "But the pain—love, you don't understand. It's—it's searing. It's blinding." Buffy knew that his words had to be true if that little piece of plastic the initiative had put in his brain was enough to derail his single minded focus. She hadn't really given a whole lot of thought to what it did to him though, not really. He wasn't out there killing. He was, so often, by her side. Aiding her, a confidant to her and her sister and her mother. Someone that she'd grown to rely on. She hadn't much cared what the chip did to him because all that really mattered was what the chip did for her. Did that make her selfish?

"All in your head," she heard Drusilla reply and she rolled her eyes. If that were true then Spike would have brought Sunnydale to it's knees ages ago. He's stubborn enough for it. "I can see it. Little bit of plastic spiderwebbing out nasty blue shocks, and every on is a lie. Electricity lies, Spike. It tells you you're not a bad dog, but you are."

"So you'd have me, what? Live off your leftovers?" he scoffed.

"We could be together again, my Spike. Munching and crunching and bringing the world to it's knees. You, me, grandmum and daddy. Together again," she entreated and Buffy was so tense her muscles burned with restraint. She could end this now. Tear into his crypt and dust the bitch before he had the chance to make a decision that would force her to dust him too. Call it morbid curiosity but she was overwhelmed with the need to know what he would say next.

Her answer came in the form of a bitter laugh that echoed through the stone crypt. "You seem to be forgetting that our decades with the bitch and that wanker aren't exactly fond memories for yours truly," he told her. "I want Angelus back like I want this sodding chip in my skull."

There was silence, nothing reached her ears but whispers of movement until low tones from the vampiress reached her ears in tones too muted for her to make out. When Spike spoke again Buffy felt like the earth stopped rotating or the ground fell out from under her or like maybe there were pigs that had sprouted wings. "You should leave town now, pet. The slayer finds out you're here and she'll dust you."

"My poor, poor Spike," she murmured, and Buffy thought that the vampire sounded as shocked as the slayer felt. "Swimming in the sunshine. So lost. Not even I can help you now." The sound of her clacking heels coming closer to the door had Buffy shifting back into the shadows. She was surprised when Drusilla glided out of the crypt without a glance towards where she had been sure her thundering heart would have given her away.

She stayed still and silent until the vampire was long out of sight, and hopefully headed straight out of town. Part of her itched to dust the vampire before she could ever even think of coming back. She restrained herself though. Spike had denied his sire. The woman he'd spent over a hundred years with. She'd honor his decision by letting the crazy hoe-bag go. This time. A roar and a crash resonated throughout his crypt and Buffy flinched as she moved further into the shadows as she slowly edged away and made her way back home in a bit of a daze.

~BTVS~

To say that Buffy's last experience with a robot had been traumatizing would be an understatement. She had thought she'd killed a man, after all. This time was a different kind of traumatizing. Being so able to relate to something made up of wires and batteries shouldn't have been possible and yet, that simple realization that even the perfect woman wasn't good enough was still a blow.

She'd felt sincere sympathy for the little bot that had been tossed aside despite doing everything right. What hope could Buffy possibly have of being enough to keep a guy around if the worlds most perfect woman couldn't?

"You take care of robo-girl?" Spike asked, barely glancing in her direction as she let herself into his crypt. He'd been quieter since Drusilla had blown through town, she didn't think he knew that she'd known the crazy vamp had been there.

"Her batteries died," she answered as she sank down onto the chair that had somehow become her spot.

"Pity," he replied, not at all sounding like he thought so. Her lips twitched as she conjured the image of April tossing him through a window.

"What did you say to her anyway?" Buffy asked. Spike looked over at her with a leer that had her rolling her eyes. "Nevermind," she recanted.

"Bloody amazing how times have changed since I was a boy," he mused as he flipped through the channels on his beloved 'telly'. "In my day a man would just die of sexual repression and now these wankers are building their very own sex bots," he said with a snicker and a shake of his head.

"Didn't most people die of sexual repression in your era?" Buffy asked with a playful grin.

Spike threw the look back at her. "Wasn't uncommon," he confirmed. "Bunch of wankers with sticks up their asses," he said before turning a wolfish smirk on her, she was appalled to feel her skin heat up at his next words. "And not in the fun way."

"Pig," she scoffed.

"Don't knock it 'til you try it, slayer," he teased, his smirk widening.

"Why do I come here again?" she wondered aloud.

Spike shrugged. "Can't get enough of yours truly," he said offhandedly. Her stomach tightened a bit as she fought down the truth of the teasing statement.

She covered her confusing feelings with a scoff. "As if!"

"Careful slayer, your inner valley girl is making an appearance," he said with a laugh. His eyes slanted back over to her and she saw a flash of something she couldn't quite identify but it had her insides heating up.

"Shut up," she mumbled as she crossed her arms and turned her attention to the stupid show he'd put on. She tried to ignore the way her heart jumped at the sound of his chuckle.

~BTVS~

Numb. That's all she felt. Numb when Giles arrived, when the coroner arrived. Numb when they went to the hospital to find out what went wrong and when they came back home. Numb when faced with Dawn's sobs and her friends' questions about what to do next.

She was numb when they put her mother into the ground and numb when Angel appeared out of the dark. Who had called him? She'd sat with him for awhile but couldn't really remember anything they'd said. He had offered to stay but she'd sent him away. He wouldn't stay forever and she didn't think she really wanted him to even if he'd offered.

She didn't really remember leaving her house but when she walked into his crypt and caught sight of him, his hair in disarray and his eyes sad as they fell upon her she suddenly felt anything but numb. A sob threatened to choke her and her hand clasped over her mouth as though attempting to keep it in.

"Buffy, luv. I'm sorry," Spike murmured as he hesitantly drew closer to her. She didn't really remember moving from his front entrance to his arms but she must have because he allowed her to cling to him as the dam finally broke and tears flooded her cheeks. He whispered words that her muddled mind couldn't make out but that was okay, she didn't think she was supposed to anyway. They were sweet nothings just meant to soothe her.

The numbness faded after that night. She focused on cleaning the house and taking care of Dawn and slaying demons but she felt the overwhelming pain of loss in every movement she made. It seemed she was good at hiding that though when Dawn accused her of not caring and she suddenly found herself breaking down again. The hope and the terror of possibly seeing her mother again twining with the stark relief and debilitating disappointment as Dawn's reckless resurrection spell failed. That time, leaning on her sister as they grieved together.

~BTVS~

"Spike!" she yelled out suddenly, ducking down and using the momentum to gracefully turn her body to form a roundhouse kick, knocking her opponent down before leaping over to where one of the other demons was sneaking up on Spike as he faced down two others. She tackled the demon out of the way, pushing her stake deep through it's chest as she did so. It gurgled it's last dying breath as she pushed herself back up to her feet, maneuvering so that she was back to back with the blond vampire as they worked together to take the rest of the demon gang out. "You alright?" she asked as she panted for breath.

Spike raised an amused brow. "Bloody brilliant," he replied with a smirk as he shook the tension from his shoulders and lit up a cigarette. "Ta for caring," he added, a look that she couldn't quite place flashed through his eyes. It was something she'd been noticing more and more often when he looked at her and she wished she could name it. She was terrified that maybe, some part of her, already could.

She'd been spending even more time with Spike lately than she had prior to her mother's death. He didn't expect her to be strong or put on a happy face. With him, she could just be Buffy. He didn't seem to mind her coming around all the time, something that she chose not to question. She had gotten back into her patrolling routine, something that he had silently taken over while she was still in the throes of her grief, and had begun to invite him along more often than not.

A big part of her wanted to ask him to just take it over for her. So she could just be done for awhile, learn how to be soft again around people other than the vampire. Her friends and her sister, the people that she put up her wall for because they expected strength and she yearned to give it to them. There was a time when that hadn't been the case. When she'd been able to be strong and weak simultaneously and didn't feel as though that diminished her in their eyes. She missed those days and she worried about what she was becoming.

So she went to the desert to regain her focus and to see if it would help her sort out the confusing mix of feelings she'd been increasingly become aware of towards the blond vampire who not so terribly long ago was her mortal enemy and to learn whether she was losing her ability to love the people in her life that had stood staunchly by her side for so long.

~BTVS~

What the hell did she mean "Death is your gift"? Death is not a gift. Learning that she was apparently full of love did not take the sting away from those words. She wanted the hell out of the desert.

The trip home couldn't have ended soon enough and she found herself letting out a sigh of relief as she entered her home. She shuffled over to her friends who were standing around her weapons chest. "Apparently death is my gift," she pouted before taking in the axes and crossbows they were wielding. "Uh, what's going on?"

"Xander went to play poker with Spike," Anya piped up unhelpfully.

"And it went very badly?" Buffy asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

"Glory's minions came in and attacked us," Xander said with a shake of his head.

"What? Why?" Buffy asked incredulously.

"They took Spike. I think I heard one of them call him the key after they knocked me on my ass," Xander answered. "We were just about to head out and try to find them but...we don't exactly have the first clue where to look."

Buffy felt an icy hand clench her heart as the ramifications of Spike's capture likely meant. "I think I know where to start," she heard herself say.

"Buffy, If Spike tells Glory…" Willow trailed off.

"Then I'll kill him," the slayer replied, ignoring the slight tremor that had started in her hands.

~BTVS~

When she and Xander had burst into the upscale building and come face to face with Glory's minions she threw herself into the battle. They were stronger than they looked and she was relieved when Giles and Anya entered the fray a couple minutes later.

After they were either dead or had fled Buffy allowed her focus to settle on Spike. He looked like hell, whatever fight he'd had that had gotten him away from Glory and into the elevator had obviously fled as he slumped against the back wall.

She moved towards him and he fought to lift his head to look her in the eye. "Din't tell that bitch a bloody thing," he murmured, quiet and deadly serious.

Buffy nodded and found that she wholeheartedly believed him. "I believe you," she murmured just as quietly before she and Xander came to either side and helped him to his feet and as far away from the hellgod as they could get.

A couple hours later Buffy found herself back at Spike's crypt with a few bags of blood and some whiskey. When she entered Spike was still as a corpse, it was an odd sight since he was always animated. Breathing, though he didn't need to, fiddling with his cigarettes or lighter, tapping his feet to one of the many tunes she knew always lived in his head.

"Spike?" she asked.

He grunted a bit but didn't say anything. "I brought you some blood and whiskey."

His body shuddered like he was trying to laugh but it just turned into a full body flinch. "Know the way to a blokes heart, eh Slayer?" he grunted out, voice rough with pain.

She didn't reply, only smirked a little, as she held one of the blood bags up to his face and he shifted into his game face before attacking the bag with as little movement as possible.

She stayed with him awhile, making sure he got his fill of blood before tucking the rest away inside his fridge and supplementing the rest of his diet with a healthy dose of whiskey to help ease the pain. He nodded off not too long after she'd shown up and she couldn't help herself as she lingered for a long moment, watching him sleep and contemplating what he'd done for her and what it meant.

~BTVS~

Looking back on it she realized that she should have been able to identify the blossoming feelings way earlier than she actually had but...well hey, I'm Buffy and I vacation in de Nile. The next couple weeks were a blur of Tara being brain sucked, knights- honest to god, full body armored knights- chasing her down intent on killing her baby sister. They were full of Giles, resolute in his plan to kill Dawn if it meant saving his slayer. The knowledge that he was capable of that kind of betrayal still stung. Then there was Spike. Spike who facilitated their attempted escape from Sunnydale. Spike who fought and nearly died to keep her and her sister safe. She had watched them in a moment of calm before Dawn had been kidnapped, he was keeping the young girl distracted with card games and watered down stories from his long life.

That was the first time she'd come close to identifying the warm feeling that had begun to bubble up within her gut when she watched him in those stolen moments. He'd glanced up suddenly and caught her staring, sent her a smirk and then refocused on the youngest Summers. The smirk was familiar, cocky and knowing. She wondered if he'd known more about what she was feeling than she had.

Time went wonky for her after Dawn was taken and she'd lapsed into a catatonic state. Everything became a whirlwind of half cocked planning and full on arming after Willow snapped her out of it. She and Spike walked into her house and he headed straight to the weapons chest while she started climbing the stairs. It felt like a years had passed since he'd been tortured by Glory and Buffy was exhausted, feeling much older than her twenty years.

"Alright, Slayer?" Spike asked, pausing in his rustling through her weapons to shoot her a look that was somehow both concerned and impatient.

She hesitated for a moment. "I can't trust Giles to do whatever it takes to keep Dawn safe," she said softly and even she could hear the pain in that admission. "So I'm counting on you," she continued, voice still soft but with more power underscoring her words. "To protect her."

Spike studied her for a moment before he gave a single nod. "'Til the end of the world," he assured her and she didn't question why he so readily agreed any more than she questioned her unwavering belief that she could ask it of him. "Even if that happens to be tonight," he added with a slight chuckle and she allowed herself a small smile at his attempt to lighten the heavy mood before continuing up the stairs.

When they left the house to meet up with the rest of the gang it was with the steadfast knowledge that Dawn was going to live to see her namesake, even if it meant that one- or both- of them would not.

~BTVS~

'You don't know what you've got until it's gone'. We all know the saying, many famous songs, movies and literary works are written on that very topic. It's a classic because it's true. So, so true. Buffy cuddled up to her sister, lying together in the hospital bed and rubbing circles on her sister's back as she sobbed herself ragged.

When they'd left the night before, her and Spike, she'd known they wouldn't both be around come morning. She'd just never believed that it wouldn't be him. She'd known that she could count on him to keep Dawn safe and he had. She brought her fingers up and gently traced the bandage that covered the bite mark on her sister's neck. His bite mark.

She hadn't seen most of what happened since she'd been too busy beating Glory down with her troll hammer. Dawn had filled her in on the important bits through her choked sobs. She'd told her that some demon disciple of Glory's had beaten them all to the top of the tower, determined to open the portal. His name had been Doc, not that it was important but Buffy generally liked to have a name to put on the faces of those who made it to her most hated creatures list.

Spike had gotten there quickly after. Just not quick enough. Doc had thrown him from the tower, apparently he'd been small but stronger and faster than expected. Spike didn't drop though, he'd caught himself on the edge and pulled himself back up. By the time he'd regained his footing Dawn had already been cut up by Doc's blade and the portal had begun to blink into existence. That Buffy had noticed as she'd raced up the stairs towards her sister. She'd never forget the heart dropping sensation, the gut wrenching knowledge that they'd failed and that even though she'd made sure that Glory was out of commission someone else had made sure to get the party started anyway.

She missed the next bit as she made her mad, frantic dash up the tower and she was kind of glad for it. Dawn told her that Spike had thrown Doc of the tower with a roar before rushing forward to untie the girl. That she'd been crying, telling him that it was too late and she knew what she needed to do. "Bollocks," he had told her angrily before pulling her into his embrace and biting down on her neck. Buffy didn't know how he'd been able to withstand the pain of the chip firing long enough to get enough of her blood in his system to trick the portal into believing he was the key but Spike was nothing if not determined.

Dawn didn't remember much of what happened next but Buffy did. She'd reached the top just in time to see Spike gently laying her unconscious, pale sister down on the scaffolding. He'd glanced up at her, pain crinkling his eyes and a dribble of blood visible at the corner of his lips as they turned up into a smile. She hadn't ever seen that smile on him before. Gentle, resolute, distant. She was torn between shock, horror and confusion as his eyes roamed up and down her form as though memorizing her. She knew now that memorizing her was exactly what he'd been doing.

"Spike...what-?" she hadn't known how to finish her sentence, she had too many questions to filter through.

"Get her to the hospital and when she wakes up...tell her I'm sorry, yeah?" he asked, waving a hand in Dawn's direction as he took a step backward.

"What are you doing?" she'd finally choked out, but she already knew the answer. It was the same thing she'd been planning to do- only without the damage to her sister- if only she'd made it there first.

"Made a promise, din't I?" he'd non-answered.

She shook her head as she moved closer and he moved further towards the edge. "Why?" she had asked even though she knew that it was too big a question for him to answer. She should have asked it sooner. After he'd been tortured maybe.

He turned that smile on her again, the sad, knowing one. "Always been love's bitch, pet. Told you that before."

Maybe her question hadn't been too big, because his answer was so simple and it answered so many of her why's. "Spike," she'd breathed out.

"Take care of the bit for me. Take care of yourself too, Slayer," he'd demanded and he didn't give her a chance to respond before he took a final step backward and allowed himself to fall. His arms were spread out, face towards the slowly lightening sky as he went, she'd raced to the end and caught his eyes one last time before they closed in pain, his body jolting as the portal sucked and pulsed around him. Then they were both gone. The portal and her vampire.

She felt numb as she forced herself to turn away and see to her sister. She had stumbled down the stairs, relieved with Giles met her and took on some of the gangly teen's dead weight. "We have to go to the hospital," she'd heard herself say.

The gang had asked all the necessary questions. What had happened? How had Spike saved the day? Why did Spike save the day? After all, it seemed to go far above and beyond the tentative friendship he'd built with them over the last year.

She didn't know what she'd told them. Dawn had gotten a blood transfusion and late that night had woken up, asking Buffy where Spike was. Her big blue eyes filling with tears as Buffy relayed what she knew before hesitantly asking Dawn what she'd remembered. Buffy had crawled into bed beside her little sister and had rocked her as she cried.

Now that Dawn had finally cried herself into a fitful sleep Buffy allowed a few tears to fall from her burning eyes, her eyes fluttering to a close as she conjured the image of him.

~BTVS~

Life moved on, of course. It never stopped even when you felt as though if it would just stand still for a moment, then maybe you'd be able to catch your breath. Buffy hadn't gotten around to putting the word love on the feelings she'd had for Spike before he'd died. Friend, yes. Maybe, towards the end there, even best friend. She'd confided in him the things she didn't think her friends could ever really understand. About Riley, about her Mom.

She'd known that it ran deeper than that, her feelings, but she'd been afraid to identify it. If she didn't name it then she didn't have to face it. She hadn't been prepared for Angel to come rolling into town demanding to know how Spike had died. Apparently they had some freaky family link that allowed them to feel it when another kicked it. She'd been surprised that Angel cared enough to make the trip to her town.

Maybe she shouldn't have been so shocked though. After all, he'd never actively tried to kill Spike in the entire time he'd been causing them problems that first year she'd met him. He didn't like the younger vampire but he was family. Buffy understood that because she kind of felt the same way. Except for the not liking part, she realized now that she was all with the liking.

Angel had been shocked after she'd filled him in. Shocked and silent until- "He fell in love with you." It wasn't a question so she didn't answer it. There was a long pause before he spoke again and this time it was a question. A very softly spoken, reluctant question. "Did you love him?"

She didn't answer that one either. Not verbally, but she knew that he saw it in her eyes when she met his. He'd flinched back as though she'd burned him and she understood that too. She saw what it cost him to say the next words and she appreciated the sentiment all the more for it. "I'm sorry for your loss," he choked out.

She smiled grimly. "Me too."

She didn't quite know if she was agreeing on her own behalf or on his, after all, Spike had been his family. One of the last members of his family. She decided that it didn't really matter, she was sorry for his loss in any form.

~BTVS~

"I've decided that all that souled verses unsouled crap was just that," Buffy told Giles randomly one summer afternoon as they sat at the table in the Magic Box.

Giles looked up from his book with a frown. "Sorry?" he questioned.

"The soul, Giles. The soul and what it means. We based everything we knew about it off of what we learned from when Angel lost his," she pointed out.

Giles looked lost. "Yes…" he replied patiently.

"So how does that explain Spike?" she demanded.

Giles looked flummoxed for a moment before he cleared his throat and removed his glasses to clean them. "Well, Spike had the chip," he posited.

Buffy leveled him with a look that let him know just how big a reach that was. "Yeah. Which stopped him from being able to actively hurt humans, it didn't force him to die on our behalf. He was up there long before I was, he could have just let Dawnie jump. I don't think it ever even crossed his mind," she mused, staring off into the distance as she thought back to that night.

Giles looked thoughtful. "Yes, I suppose you're quite right," he agreed quietly. "However, I've long thought that Spike, himself, is a bit of an anomaly as far as vampires are concerned," he continued.

Buffy nodded, accepting the truth in that statement. Maybe that was it. Maybe the soul was everything they'd always thought it was and Spike, given a bit of encouragement and a reason to change, was just the exception to the rule.

~BTVS~

147 days. Not that she'd kept count. That's how long he was gone before he came back. Maybe she shouldn't have been so surprised, after all Spike wasn't the first vampire in her life to came back from death. Angel was a bona fide Powers That Be backed vampire though. She hadn't thought that Spike shared that distinction.

There she'd been, patrolling Restfield, keeping his crypt safe from squatters when he'd come stumbling through a row of tombstones. His hair still shockingly bright, his coat still swishing around his ankles but his eyes were all wrong. When they landed on her it was with a lack of familiarity that she'd never known on him, not even that first night in the alley behind The Bronze.

"Spike?" she'd asked in disbelief.

He had halted abruptly at the sound of her voice and his eyes hadn't been wild and feral like Angel's had been when he'd returned from Hell. Instead they were empty and dull, exhibiting a lifelessness that she'd never seen on the vampire.

She'd approached him cautiously, relieved when he only watched her warily. She'd reached out and placed a hand on his arm, flinching when he did. "It's okay," she murmured as she wondered if it was all just a very vivid dream.

He allowed her to lead him and so she did. She walked him through the door of The Magic Box, her eyes wide in disbelief as the store fell silent as her friends took in the sight before them. "You all can see him too, right?" she asked with a nervous laugh.

Tara was the first one to make a move, the blonde witch slowly scooted her chair out and stood, slowly walking over to the vampire, who was tracking her ever move with hazy blue eyes. Buffy knew that the witch could see something in his aura that was invisible to the rest of them.

"Is...is it really him?" Willow asked, her eyes still wide in shock.

Tara smiled gently at Spike as she gave a slight nod. "Y-yes," she confirmed.

What came next was an uproar of whys and hows and Buffy knew that she should have cared more but she hadn't. She just cared that he was there and he was flinching backwards at the cacophony that suddenly filled the store.

"Everyone quiet," Buffy didn't yell it but her tone was firm and commanding. She placed her hand back on Spike's arm soothingly. "I'm going to take Spike home where it's quieter. Willow, Tara can you meet us there in an hour?" At their nods, she continued. "Giles can you Xander and Anya research more about Glory's portal?"

"Yes, of course," Giles agreed, fascination lacing his tone as he continued to study the vampire.

"One of you call the house and give Dawn a heads up?" she asked. "I need her to keep the decibels to a human level when we get there," she explained, not crazy about the thought of Spike's reaction to her sister's shrill shrieks.

Xander chuckled a bit, "Xan man's on it," he assured her. Buffy gave him a wan smile as she turned and led Spike back out into the night. She didn't know what to do with a silent Spike, she hadn't ever known him to be capable of silence so she babbled stories about what they'd been up to the last few months as she led him to her house.

Dawn was every bit the bouncing ball of energy she'd been made out of when they walked through the door but she'd managed to keep herself restrained. She'd tried to hide it but Buffy caught the crestfallen expression on the younger girls face when Spike didn't seem to so much as recognize her. She'd kept her chin up though and told him all about her summer woes as she made up a cup of cocoa with mini marshmallows for him.

She was still going on about it when Willow and Tara arrived and Buffy was relieved to see that they'd had the foresight to stop by the butcher's for blood. The witches did a few spells to try and determine what had brought him back and if he was whole. They figured out that the chip was still there. Tara pulled them to the side and told them that his aura was similar to how it had been when she had first met him. Buffy's heart sank at that information. She was incredibly certain that the Spike of then didn't not have the warm fuzzy, die for your sister, feelings that the Spike of that last night had possessed.

Tara also added that it wasn't so much that he'd reverted back to who he'd been and how he'd thought during that time so much as the energies in his aura had the same confused, lost and frenetic signature now as it'd had during his post-chip transition.

"There's something m-missing though, I'm n-not sure how m-much he remembers," she told them quietly.

"Like the last year and half or so, you mean?" Buffy asked bitterly. Willow and Tara exchanged a solemn look. "Do you know how he came back? Was this a PTB thing like with Angel?" she asked, looking at the redhead.

Willow shook her head. "I don't know for sure but I don't think so. I think maybe he wasn't actually dead. Maybe more like...lost?" she both answered and questioned.

"Lost how?" Buffy demanded as guilt began to creep in. She'd never even thought about making sure that he wasn't still alive out there somewhere. "Like in Glory's hell dimension?"

This time it was Tara that spoke up. "I think m-more like, maybe, in between dimensions," she answered. "I-it would explain why his hair hasn't grown out too. Like he was frozen in a moment, unable to get out or through."

Willow nodded. "Yeah, his energies read more like he stalled out," she picked up. "Like a car who's engine goes kablooey and get stuck on the side of the road."

Buffy tried to wrap her head around that concept. "So...when Glory's portal closed he was trapped on some kind of dimensional highway?" she asked in bemusement.

Willow nodded excitedly. "Yes! Or, well, I think, maybe?"

"So how did he get back?"

"This time of year, with the autumn equinox, the veil between dimensions gets thinner. M-maybe that's how?" Tara offered.

Buffy sighed. "It's a good starting point, I guess," she conceded.

Willow placed a soothing hand on her arm. "I think that whatever he went through altered his brain enough that he just isn't quite making the connections to what he used to know and feel yet. It doesn't mean that it's not there, that he isn't there. He just can't find the right path right now."

The couple took their leave not too much later and Buffy sent Dawn to bed before taking a seat across the table from Spike. He sat there, looking blankly at the slayer, his hands wrapped unconsciously around his now empty mug of blood. Buffy reached across the table and wrapped her hands around his.

"Do you remember me?" she asked him. She sighed when no answer was forthcoming. She bit her lip as she contemplated her next move. She had a cot downstairs that she could set up for him. It seemed wrong to condemn him to the basement after whatever he'd been through but premature to invite him into her bed.

She made up her mind and brought him down the basement, making up the cot and getting him set up. It was unsettling, how he let her puppet him around.

Tears stung at her eyes as she climbed the stairs and gently latched the door behind her. She should just be grateful. She was grateful. She just wished for...more.

~BTVS~

A week of tireless research and more spellwork found Giles and Anya backing up Willow and Tara's theory about him stalling out on an inter-dimensional highway. Anya theorized that they shock of being stranded combined with the shock of traveling back through to their dimension is what had caused a bit of a mental reset.

"It's not easy to travel between dimensions if you're not prepared for it," she had told them.

Buffy accepted their explanations and tried not to be disheartened when they couldn't tell her if he'd go back to being who he had been.

Once again time moved painstakingly forward. Spike moved around the house, sometimes restlessly, like he was searching for something. Sometimes she'd catch a look in his eyes, like a flash of recognition but it would flit away before she could be sure it had ever even been there. Sometimes when she'd go down to the basement to check on him he'd be staring up at the ceiling with a frown, like he was puzzling something together. She hoped that he was.

Not once during the time he stayed in her basement did he vamp out or display any signs of bloodlust aside from quickly snatching a mug of blood that one of them made up for him. It gave Buffy hope that, whatever else was going on in there, Spike himself was intact. Just, maybe still a little lost.

Xander came over and played poker with him, grinning at Buffy when Spike still remembered the rules and how to play. Willow and Tara brought crystals and other magical doodads that had healing properties. Giles would occasionally sit down and discuss vampire lore and history with him, Spike never spoke but Buffy thought Giles just liked using him as a sounding board to bounce his theories off of.

Dawn watched movies with him and babbled on about whatever drama was happening that day at school. Buffy had to give her sister credit for the way she was handling the whole situation, Dawn had never exactly been known for her maturity. "He died for me Buffy." That was all she'd really say when the slayer asked her about it.

Buffy herself...she kept things light, complained to him when some big nasty ruined her shoes, bragged when she took another nasty out with a tree branch or something. She didn't talk about them, that wouldn't have been fair to him or to her. She talked about what he did for her and Dawn though. She thanked him, told him it was way bigger than she could even really fathom, even after all this time. He never answered her, of course, but sometimes she really felt as though he understood her.

~BTVS~

It was weeks of silence and hopes and disappointments and then one morning Buffy woke up to the feeling of someone watching her. Her eyes flew open and her head snapped over to the chair she had by her desk, her heart pounded loudly in her chest as they met bright, clear blue. He was looking at her in that way that she'd glimpsed in the months before his death. She couldn't identify it before he'd died but it'd been startlingly obvious after he'd jumped.

"Spike?" she breathed out. He hadn't come upstairs at all unless she'd cajoled him into the shower.

His lips quirked up a bit. "'Lo slayer," he said, his voice rough from disuse. Buffy practically flew out of bed and into his arms. He chuckled a bit as her wrapped his arms around her.

"How?" she mumbled against his chest.

She felt him shrug. "Been remembering bits and pieces since I got back," he admitted. "Had trouble putting it all together though."

"Do you remember where you were?" she asked, pulling back to look into his eyes.

He shifted uncomfortably. "A bit," he told her. "Mostly just a feeling."

"Do you remember what you said before you jumped?" she whispered as she placed her hands on either side of his face. Maybe there were other things they should talk about first but, for her anyway, they'd already been acknowledged. What had happened just before he'd jumped hadn't been and she felt as though she'd been very, incredibly patient.

"Get Dawn to the hospital?" he asked with an impish smirk. God she'd missed that smirk.

"The other thing," she murmured as she swayed a bit closer, her eyes drifting down to his lips.

He sucked in a deep breath. "That I was love's bitch?" he muttered just as quietly.

She nodded. "That's the thing," she agreed before closing the distance between them and catching his lips with hers.

She could feel his brief surprise before he readily gave in and returned the kiss with a passion she always known he'd burn her up with.

He ended the kiss just in time to keep her lungs from exploding from lack of air. "Buffy?" he questioned, a cautious awe lighting up his eyes.

"I love you," she murmured against his lips.

"You…" he trailed off in disbelief.

She smiled faintly. "This is the part where you say it back," she reminded him.

"You know I do," he teased her.

"Do what?" she questioned innocently.

"Love you," he gave in before swooping in and capturing her lips again.

~BTVS~

Things weren't exactly seamless following that morning. Spike suffered bouts of depression, periods where he'd become distant and withdrawn. She'd learned to identify theses as times when he was caught up in the memories or, more accurately, feelings of his time in between dimensions. She'd discovered a well of patience she hadn't thought she possessed as she learned not to press him, to just be there. Eventually he began to open up to her, imparting little bits of information and, over time, she had formed a clearer picture of what it meant to be torn up and stranded in between worlds.

She kind of pictured it like that scene in Star Wars that Xander had forced her and Willow to watch ages ago. The one where they were in the trash compactor or whatever and the walls started closing in on them. She thought it was kinda like that only it hadn't ever stopped for Spike. The walls of the dimensions had closed, squashing him in place. The walls in this case were metaphysical though so it hadn't made him into goo so much as it had stayed a constant pressure, trapping him in place and as time moved on he began to lose pieces of himself as he fought to hold onto whatever life he'd had left.

Dawnie had been thrilled that first morning when they had come downstairs and he'd greeted her with "Hey platelet." There had been no stopping the squeals that time.

Life slowly moved into a new normal with Spike easily reasserting his place within the group and everyone else adjusting to the new dynamic between the vampire and slayer.

They still fought, she and her vampire. She wouldn't give up their passion for anything but more than anything they were best friends. Best friends with many, many yummy benefits. The best part about their relationship was that it had progressed so organically that the forbidden factor had been negligible. Spike had asserted himself within her friend group long before anything started brewing between them. It wasn't like Angel, who had been mysterious, distant and doom-y. She wasn't even going to get started on Angelus.

Spike could keep up with her in ways Riley could never have hoped to and he enjoyed all parts of her. The girl and the slayer and he was right tickled (his words) when she'd take the opportunity to prove just how strong she really was.

She was sure that they had many more obstacles to overcome both internally and externally but she didn't doubt that they'd face them together. She never doubted that he'd stick by her side if he had any say in it. The only time he'd ever left her it had been to save her and her sister and she was determined to make sure that never happened again. Spike was just as determined to make her the longest lived slayer in history and for the first time in her post-chosen life she thought that maybe it was possible.

She laid on her side and watched Spike as he slept. She smiled as she thought back to her first love and how far she'd come since then. Maybe love, real adult love and not just adolescent infatuation, really did set you free, she mused silently as she yawned and curled up around Spike. Her eyes fluttered to a close and she drifted off with a smile still stretched upon her lips.