Amelia POV

When we finally decide to get out of bed and get dressed I look down at my legs realising the blood had begun to seep through the dressings. It isn't that bad but I know they need changing. I quickly put my shorts and a tshirt on, opening the bedside table to collect my equipment.

"Oh my god, did I do that?" Arizona asks, noticing the blood for the first time.

"It's okay, it's not as bad as it looks, they just need changing." I tell her, brushing off her question. I believe it happened when she pressed on my leg but I don't blame her, she didn't realise.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I can't believe I did that." She is sitting down beside me, not touching me. She looks sad, ashamed even and I hate it.

"Hey, you didn't do anything. I made the cuts, it's my fault, you couldn't have known." I cup her cheek with my hand, turning her face to look at me. "It's not your fault." I reinforce.

"I always so careful, I don't know why this time was different." She tells me, still upset over her actions.

"Hey, Az, it was not your fault. Just because you used to be more careful doesn't make it your fault. Honestly it makes me happy you're not so careful, it means I'm more normal. Plus I'm hot, I don't blame you for losing control." I say grinning at her. She playfully slaps my arm but begins to laugh.

"Not funny." She tells me, still grinning.

"The smile on your face says otherwise."

I take a quick shower and decide to change the dressings in the bathroom. I hadn't realised how much they had bled but I played it down, not wanting Arizona to feel more guilty that she already does. Now clean and dry, I head towards the living room where I find Arizona sat on the couch with her laptop on her legs. Her eyes are puffy and I can tell she has been crying again.

"Hey, come here." I tell her as I sit myself down and open my arms. "This wasn't your fault. Honestly it was the best sex I've ever had, I really enjoyed it. Please don't blame yourself." I keep holding her close and rubbing small circles on her back, trying to comfort her.

"I just hate to see you hurting."

"I'm sorry I put you in this situation." I tell her honestly. Knowing that I'm the root of her pain is the worst feeling, my actions caused this.

"Amelia, can I ask you something?" she questions, her head still resting on my chest.

"You don't normally check before you ask. What's bothering you?"

"Would you ever consider going to therapy? Just to try it?" I feel myself tense beneath her. This topic has come up briefly before but only to say I didn't want to go.

"I told you I don't like the idea. I don't think I could ever talk to a random stranger about my issues. You know you're the only person I talk to about these things."

"I know, I just thought maybe it would help. A psychologist helped me after the plane crash, I went to sessions for years. You know nobody would think less of you for it, don't you?"

"It's not that. I'm just not crazy about talking about my feelings that's all." I mumble, trying to convince, not only my girlfriend but also myself. Arizona clearly sees through my lie and she shakes her head.

"I don't think that's the real reason Amelia. I know you don't like sharing but there's something else, I can tell." I don't like that she knows me this well. It scares me.

"You're right." I say, not elaborating further but not running either.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but I'm only trying to help. I love you too much to see you hurting like this." I feel my heart beat increasing, I can't believe what I have just heard.

"You've never, that's the first time you've said that." I say pushing her away a little so she can turn to look at me.

"Did I just make this awkward?" She asks me and I feel her grip on my hand tighten.

"I love you too. I was scared to say it incase you didn't say it back." I still can't believe this is happening.

"Are you crazy? Of course I love you too. I thought you knew that? I didn't think I had to say it for you to know."

"I know, I just don't trust my own judgement. Meredith said you did but I didn't believe her. I know now though. That's what matters." I tell her shakily, my heart beat still hasn't slowed to the normal rate. "I'm scared they'll make me stop."

"What are you talking about?" Arizona asks me, looking suddenly puzzled at the change of topic.

"If I go to therapy, I know I'd hate it anyway because of the talking but I'm scared they'll make me stop. Hurting myself, it lets me feel control over my own life. If they make me stop I'm scared I won't have any control anymore."

I've never admitted this before, I've barely admitted it to myself.

"You realise they can't make you do anything right? And if they tried you could stop going. Yes, the aim would be to help you get better and eventually stop cutting but that would be up to you. Nobody else can make you stop." I nod my head. I'm not sure at what point I started crying but there are tears running down my cheeks.

"Would you still love me if I didn't go?" I ask her, trying to avoid eye contact. She cups my face with her hand and turns it to make me look at her, wiping my tears in the process.

"I will love you whatever you decide." She tells me, and the sparkle in her eyes makes me believe it.

"If I decided to go, could you come too? So I'm not alone?" I ask, my breath still hitching from the fear, as well as the tears running down my face.

"Anything for you. Anything."

"Can I think about it?" I question. Honestly, the idea of therapy still terrifies me and I am not in the right state of mind to agree to anything.

"Of course. You don't have to decide anything right now." She explains, pulling me back in, kissing my forehead before allowing me to rest my face on her chest. "I love you."

"I love you too."

The topic of therapy goes undiscussed for a few days. Arizona had said what she thought was necessary and I was silently considering my options. We continued with our normal routines, and I gradually began to move my stuff into Arizona's like planned. I don't own too much stuff, and a lot of what I do own was still in boxes, I was never good at unpacking. I believe some of my boxes still haven't been unpacked from when I was living with Addison. I hadn't planned on finishing unpacking them today, I thought I would just put them at the back of the wardrobe until I needed something from them but Arizona had a different idea.

I walked into the bedroom and Arizona had opened one of the boxes and she turns to check she is okay to start sorting it. I cannot remember what is in the box but I give her permission to sort, sitting myself on the edge of the bed.

"What do you want to do with these?" She asks me and I look over to her, seeing she has a handful of photos.

"What are they of?" I question, and she reaches out to pass me the pile, smiling at me, instead of answering the question.

I flick through the photos, some of Addison's wedding, a few with me and friends from the practice. I find a couple of photos of Ryan, I hadn't realised I had kept them. I smile slightly, but it's a sad smile, remembering what we had. Tucked in behind the rest of the photos I find one of Christopher, while he was alive. Addison must have taken it before he went into the OR. He is wearing a little blue hat and wrapped in the matching blue hospital blanket. I feel something on the back so I turn the photo to see a post-it note, Addison's handwriting.

05/15/2012

Unicorn Baby

"I have never seen this photo before. Addison must have taken it and tucked it in with the others. She helped pack these boxes, I didn't realise she had done this." I tell Arizona as I move to sit next to her on the floor. She raises an eyebrow questioning what I was looking at and I pass the image, my hand shaking slightly as I do.

"Is this-"

"My baby. That's Christopher. I didn't take any photos, she must have taken it after she left the room with him." I finish for her, answering her questions.

"Are you okay?" She asks, handing the photograph back to me.

"Yeah, it's just weird. All these years I've been remembering him, just thinking about what he looked like, but now I have a picture. I was worried that I was forgetting him, I didn't know if I remembered what he looked like or if the image in my mind had changed over time. But now I look at this, he looks just like I remembered." I say. All the times I've spoken about him in the past, I've felt extremely sad, and overwhelmed by emotion but this time is different. Of course the sadness is still there but I also feel happy, privileged even. It was a privilege to give birth to such a special child. A child who left too soon but saved so many other babies. It was an honor.

I didn't notice Arizona had stood up until she was moving towards the door with her crutches. Not even 30 seconds later she was back holding a small photo frame.

"We got so many of these at Sof's baby shower and we never used them all." She carefully opens the frame and placed the picture of my baby inside. . It's small and white with a few clouds on it with a rainbow in the top corner.

"It's fitting, rainbows and clouds for a unicorn baby." I think, not realising I had said the words aloud.

"Unicorn baby?" Arizona inquires, and I realise I hadn't used that phrase to her before.

"When I was a kid I had an obsession with unicorns. They were amazing, they flew where they were needed and they helped people. Christopher's organs flew across the country and saved other babies. Unicorn baby was how I referred to him, before I was ready to use his name. He was my unicorn baby."

Arizona moved to place the now framed photo on my bedside table, arranging it carefully so nothing would fall

"Now you can see him everyday, morning and night. You'll never forget his face." Arizona explains.

"Thank you. You're the best girlfriend ever."

So, I always write a few chapters ahead, I have ateast 4 unposted at the moment and I had an idea but I want the readers response.

How would you feel if I brought Addison into the story? Just for a chapter or two. If you have watched Private Practice, you'll know Addie and Amelia's bond is everything and if you haven't watched Private Practice, what are you doing??? Go watch.

Anyways, I think she could be an asset to the story. Please could you review or private message me to let me know what you think?

Thank youuuuu!