Arizona POV
Looking at Amelia on a normal day, say you're a patient or a nurse or a doctor, you'd not notice anything particularly different about her. You would see a doctor, pretty and confident. You wouldn't know how much she is suffering. You couldn't begin to imagine the pain she is experiencing. You would probably find it difficult to believe that I cannot leave her alone right now, not even for a minute because I am terrified she might end her life. Nobody is prepared to see a loved one this way, nobody.
Amelia finally drifted to sleep around half an hour ago but I can see her body begin to stir.
"Amelia, wake up. It's just a dream. You're safe." I tell her, hoping her mind will pull her out of whatever internal terrors she is experiencing. Suddenly her eyes flash open and I can see the pure panic on her face. She scurries across the bed to escape me, moving to stand by the door. Her hands are clenched into tight fists, the terror on her face has transformed into nothing, a blank stare.
"You're okay Amelia, can you come back to the bed? You're safe I promise." I add, unsure if it'll offer support but trying non the less. She shakes her head and reaches for the door handle. I out of bed, grabbing my crutches and follow her out of the room. She tried to close the bathroom door behind her but I manage to get my crutch in the middle.
"Why are you following me? I just need a moment alone." Amelia spits out, a little more aggressively than I expected.
"I promised I wouldn't leave you alone. Do what you need to do but do but I'm not leaving." I tell her in a calm tone, making sure she understood the situation.
"Arizona please". She begs but I shake my head and stay where I am.
"I'm not stopping you from doing anything, I'm just staying here. I know it's not what you want right now but it's what you need. I'm not leaving you because I need you to live. Sofia needs you, as do Zola, Bailey and Ellis. So I am here to make sure you live." While I was talking she has retrieved her blade and now has it held to her skin. I can see her eyes flicking towards me, willing for me to look away but I stand strong, unwilling to budge.
After a few moments of waiting she seems to realise I am keeping my stance and draws the blade across her skin. I expect her to make multiple cuts, and for them to be deeper but instead she drops the blade and looks to me instead.
"I can't do it." She looks defeated, ashamed of her inability to go through with her actions but it gives me hope, hope she still has something to live for.
"That's good, it means you have a reason to keep fighting. I'm so proud of you." My words make her crumble, tears flowing in a heavy, more constant state.
I take some gauze from her equipment and move to clean up the small cut she created. Keeping pressure on the cut and sitting next to her, making sure to avoid any extra and unnecessary contact.
"I've never done that before, stopped before I was finished." She says, her blank face beginning to look sad. "I stopped because I couldn't bear to disappoint you. In LA, when everybody confronted me about the drugs, they put me in a situation just like this. If I wanted the drugs I had to take them in front of everyone. I was so ashamed but I took them anyway, I couldn't stop. But here, now, with you, I stopped. I hardly made any damage." I watch her face, studying her emotions. I nod my head but don't say a word, seeing that she hasn't finished talking. "Arizona, I don't think I really want to die. No I erm, I know I don't want to die. I just don't want to deal with the pain, I don't know how. I've never had to before, I've always pushed it aside and done drugs, or cut myself. Anything to make it stop."
While she has been talking she has shifted her body towards my on and is now leaning her head on my shoulder.
"And now for the first time you're feeling it. You've had so much pain in your life and you've never fully processed it, you've never allowed yourself to deal and work through it. I know it's scary but I know you can do it." She nods her head slightly in agreement.
"I don't know why I freaked out so much today. I told you about my problems and I didn't freak out this badly." She tells me and I feel her breath quivering a little.
"But a lot of it came out in sections, I gradually found out more, bit by bit. Today it was all at once. All of the memories hitting you within a 40 minute conversation." I add, trying to show her feelings are normal.
"I don't think it'll be as bad once the background taking is over. Like I hated it when you found things out, but once you knew it wasn't as bad when the topics were brought up."
"So you want to keep going? You don't regret it?" I ask, surprised by her statement. I was sure that after today she would never want to go back. I told her if she tried and didn't want to continue, then she wouldn't have to. Yet now, by what she is saying it appears she intends to continue with the sessions.
"I did not enjoy it, but I want to get better. Sofia is in the picture now and she deserves to have mentally stable adults in her life." Her voice wavers as she speaks but I'm so grateful she is willing to discuss these feelings. "I know she always has to come first for you and she can't be seeing me like this so if I want to stay in your life I need to deal with it all. Doing nothing and trying to forget clearly hasn't helped so I'm willing to try. I need to try, but I need you to be there too."
"I know I say this all the time, but I'm really proud of you. I'm so unbelievably happy you're choosing to stick with this, and I'm here for whatever you need. I know what you said about Sofia is true, and she does have to come first, but that doesn't mean I would ever leave you. I'm not giving up on you that easily. You're stuck with me now Amelia." I tell her and place my arm around her back, holding her closer to me. I take a deep breath and enjoy the moment. I enjoy having her beside me.
"I just-" Amelia begins but trails off
"What?"
"I wish I could just get it over and done with, the history taking. I hate that I have to wait a week just to feel like crap all over again." I can see her fumbling with her hands, picking at dry skin. I take her hands in my own, holding them, tracing my thumb back and forth across the skin.
"I could call, ask if she has space to move you forward. We got you in pretty quickly so it's probably possible." I offer, hoping it'll help to ease the distress she is feeling.
"I don't want to be a bother." She responds, a little more timidly.
"Amelia Shepherd, I want to make one thing very clear. You are never a bother, not ever. If moving the appointment forward will be helpful then we do it, no problem."
"Thank you. I can't believe you just full named me, nobody has done that in years." She expresses, letting out a small laugh. I love that sound, hearing her joy makes me so happy. I never want to go without that sound.
Amelia POV
The rest of the afternoon has been fairly quiet. Arizona still hasn't left my side, I can tell she is still scared of what I could do. We have been sat on the couch, myself with my book and Arizona on her phone. I get up to move for the first time in several hours which catches my girlfriends attention.
"You okay?" She asks, her eyes tracking my movements.
"Yeah, I'm just going to the bathroom. I promise I'm not going to try anything, you can wait here." I can see the cogs moving in her brain, trying to decide whether or not she can trust me. I don't blame her, I probably wouldn't trust me either. After a few moments of processing she ultimately decides to stay where she is and allows me to leave alone. I try to be quick in the bathroom, knowing Arizona will worry more the longer I am gone. On the way back to the living room I pop into my bedroom, retrieving my most recent sketch book from Arizona's bedside table as well as some of my sketching pencils from my backpack.
As I sit back down on the couch I chose to leave a gap between Arizona and myself. Instead of sitting by her side and enjoying the physical contact I sit facing her, sideways with my feet on the seat cushion and my legs bent so I can use them to rest on. At first Arizona seems confused by the lack of contact but as she sees the book in my hand, it begins to make sense and she accepts the change of position.
"Are you okay?" She asks as she looks back to her phone, continuing what she had been doing previously.
"I just wanted to draw for a bit if that's okay? Is Sofia coming home tonight?" I ask, changing the topic away from myself.
"I messaged Mer and she is fine with Sofia staying over there, I just need to let her know whats happening. As for the drawing, it's always okay but that didn't really answer my question, I asked if you were okay." Arizona says, seeing straight through my evasive techniques.
"I'm fine, I mean I'm not but, I'm as okay as I could be considering the situation."
"The situation?" She inquires, wanting a further explanation.
"Everything, a lot has happened today. Therapy, emotional breakdown, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, you seeing me cut. It's a lot, and I'm just processing it all. I think I'm doing pretty well considering all that. Could, if it's okay with you, could Sofia come back tonight? I normally feel more calm when she is around." I understand that this is a lot to ask from my girlfriend, for her to bring her daughter into this apartment while my mental state is as fragile as it is but I really hope she agrees. I would totally understand if she decides against it, hell if I were in her shoes I can't imagine I would ever agree to such a request, yet I can see the consideration on her face.
"I'm not going to lie, I am a little concerned to bring Sofia back here during all of this but if you think it would help then I won't say no. Amelia, I know you are allowed to have all of your feelings, and I would never stop you from expressing them but if Sofia is coming back I need you to promise me a few things."
I'm nervous, awaiting her requests but I understand her stance and I am grateful for her giving me the chance to do this right. "What is it?" I question, no longer able to deal with the silence.
"No cutting unless I am in the room. I'm not trying to take away you're coping mechanism but I'm scared you could cut to deep, or Sofia could find you unconscious or worse even."I can see that just discussing the topic is painful for her but she doesn't stutter, she must have been thinking this through previously.
"What else?" I ask, sure that there is more to her deal.
"If you wake up and the jar doesn't help, I need you to promise you will wake me."
"I can do that." I agree, willing to do anything for the woman and her daughter, both of whom mean so much to me.
"One last thing." Arizona begins just as I think she is finished. I look to her, awaiting her continuation. "I need you to promise you will never break Sofia's heart. If you hurt me, emotionally I mean, I would be so pissed with you but I have no doubt we would be able to work our way through it. Sofia is different, she loves you, she looks up to you. I need you to promise you will never hurt her, please."
"I promise. I know I'm a mess but I will do my utmost to make sure your daughter is protected from all of my chaos."
"Thank you."
Arizona shifts her body to sit with me and I close the sketch book I had open on my lap.
"I'm sorry, I'm not ready for you to see this right now." I tell her, moving it so that it is balanced on the coffee table. She immediately pulls back instead of continuing towards me.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to intrude." She says, looking towards the book.
"It's fine, it's closed. Come here, I say holding out an arm, offering the contact she had originally been searching for. I swivel my body so my legs are in the normal sitting position and she moves to sit next to me. Her arms hold me tight and I feel safe and warm, appreciating everything she has done for me in the recent chapters of my life.
"Thank you for trusting me, I know how hard that must be." I offer, mirroring her embrace and wrapping my arms around her.
"I love you."
Thank you for reading. I always write about 5/6 chapters ahead of what I post but I'm currently at a bit of a blank. I still have chapters written up but am not sure what to do after that. If you have any thoughts on things you would like to have happen in the future of this fic please review and tell me, or private message me.