Amelia POV
We pick Sofia up not too long before her bed time, giving us a little break to unwind as she tells us about her day. Her little face lights up as she expresses her joy over each and everything she has done throughout the last 10 hours. She spares no detail and ensures she has both Arizonas and my own attention throughout her replay of events. I try to keep holding up the conversation, grateful for something light and easy to discuss after my mayhem filled day and Sof is loving the attention. Not too long later Arizona interrupts, telling Sofia it's time for bed. The young girl seems disappointed at the prospect but obeys anyways, moving towards the bathroom to brush her teeth.
"Thanks for letting her come home, I really needed that down time." I tell Arizona when the child is safely out of listening distance.
"You're welcome but I thought we were having our own down time before she came back?" Arizona queries.
"Yeah but when we are both feeling like crap it's hard to lighten the mood, something Sofia has proven very good at." I explain and Arizona nods but looks a little dissatisfied. "Not that I didn't enjoy our down time, I did, I just, I don't know how to explain." I add, afraid I was digging a hole instead of my way out.
"Amelia, it's fine. I get it, don't worry." Arizona replies before I have the chance to make the situation any more awkward. "I'm going to go tuck Sofia in, and then we can work out what we are doing for the rest of the evening." My girlfriend gets up and places a kiss on my forehead before walks out of the room to get her daughter into bed.
"Amy, Sofia wants you to come tuck her in before she goes to bed." Arizona announces as she walks back into the living room. She looks physically drained, I didn't realise earlier.
"Sure. You look tired, we don't have to do anything tonight if you don't want. We could just go to bed and relax. " I explain as I walk towards her.
"Thanks, I may take you up on that offer." Arizona adds, her hand brushing against my own as I walk into the young girls bedroom.
"Hi baby, I heard you wanted me to come and tuck you in, are you okay?" I ask, moving to sit down on the edge of her bed.
"Yeah, Mom said you were sad today, that's why I had to go play with Zola. Are you still sad?" I take a deep breath and run my fingers through the girls hair.
"I'm okay now, I'm sorry if I worried you. I was a little sad but then when you came home I felt better, you want to know why?" The younger girl rapidly nods her head at me which makes me smile. "Because you make me happy, every time you smile or tell me about your day or give me a hug, you make me so happy."
Her eyes open wide, big and sparkling. "Really?"
"Yep. I think it's your superpower, and it's a very good superpower to have." I tell her, pulling the blankets up to cover the rest of her body, shuffling herself down so she can comfortably rest her head on the pillow.
"What's your superpower Melia?" Sofia asks me with a big smile.
"I don't know sweetie, maybe I don't have one, that's what makes you so special. Okay, you all tucked in?"
"Yep." I place a quick kiss on her forehead and stand up next to the bed.
"Goodnight Kiddo, Sweet dreams."
"Goodnight Melia, I love you." I feel tears fill my eyes and my heart swell in my chest.
"I love you too."
As I exit Sofia's room I see Arizona is still stood outside next to the door. Once I've closed Sofia's door she throws her arms over my shoulders, wrapping them around me and holding me tight. "She said she loved me." I tell Arizona.
"I know, I heard. You're amazing with her, of course she loves you."
"She's a great kid, she makes it easy." I answer timidly, enjoying our embrace.
"What you said to her about not having a superpower, it's not true. You make me so, so unbelievably happy. You save people's life for a living even when you're struggling to save yourself. You stayed clean and sober and you show me how loved I am. You're a god damn superhero Amelia. I hope on days you can see that." Arizona tells me, keeping me held close. "Are you okay?" Arizona asks, sounding worried due to my lack of response.
"I will be, lets go to bed." I say, pulling away from her embrace, in exchange taking her hand in my own.
Once we are in our bedroom we begin to get changed. There is a comfortable silence as we sort through our belongings at the same time.
"Arizona, do you have a pair of leggings I can borrow? Mine are in the wash." I'm stood in just my underwear and after all that has happened today I feel exposed, my legs with several dressings to cover the mess I created.
"The thinner fabric ones are in the bottom draw, left hand side. They're better for sleeping in."
"Thanks." I reply quietly, moving to look for the desired item. With my legs covered I am debating whether or not to put a tshirt on. The nightmares were bad last night and I have a feeling they will be tonight. I promised Arizona I would wake her if they do but when they're bad I hate feeling like my body is exposed.
"Amy, you're okay, come to bed." I hear Arizona say and I turn to look at her. She has opened the blankets up and is waiting for me to join her. I grab a tshirt, laying it next to the bed so it's accessible if I need it and climb into bed.
We sit for about 10 minutes, me resting against Arizona's side for comfort when my girlfriend breaks the silence.
"What are you thinking about? I can see your head reeling, what is it?"
"I'm scared to sleep, I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally but I'm too scared to sleep." I admit, hating that this is my reality but accepting Arizona will do everything she can to make my night easier.
"What are you scared of?" I can understand why she chooses to ask, after today when I told her I was scared to be alone, she has to ask.
"Last night, before therapy and everything, the nightmares were bad. Like really bad. Everytime I closed my eyes he was on top of me, even when I was awake it felt like I was trapped." A few stray tears make their way down my face and Arizona is quick to swipe them away.
"You should've woken me Amelia, we could have dealt together." She tells me as she tucks my hair behind my ears.
"I know, but you were exhausted and I tried drawing all over my legs first but it didn't help and I was just too tired. I didn't have the energy to talk about it, I hardly have enough energy now." I sniffle, leaning closer into her arms.
"Even when I'm exhausted, I will always be there for you. If I had a nightmare, even if you were tired I'm sure you would be there for me."
"I know, I'm sorry." I reply quietly.
"Don't be." Arizona says as she pulls away a little. She reaches over to turn on a lamp she can turn off the ceiling light. "Do you want to leave it on tonight?" She asks me regarding the light.
"Could you still sleep with it on?" I ask, not wanting to agree if I knew she wouldn't get any rest.
"When you have a young kid you learn to sleep whenever and wherever you can. I am fine, better even because I know it'll help you." I let out a little smile, I'm not sure if the smile was real or now but Arizona seems satisfied as she lies back down.
"Thank you." I join Arizona laying down but she shifts her body, wrapping her arm around me bringing me to lay closer.
"Rest your head on my chest, that way you know I'm here and I'll keep you safe." I do as she says, repositioning a bit to get comfortable, laying a pillow under my torso. "Comfy?" She questions when I stop moving.
"Yeah, thanks. Do you really think this will work?"
"I hope so."
Arizona POV
I hate that there isn't more I can do to help Amelia feel safe overnight. I asked her to lay with her head in my chest so she knows its me, but also because I should wake up if she begins to stir. This way I'll hopefully be able to wake her before the dreams get too bad.
"I really am sorry I'm such a mess, I'm trying to get better." Amelia tells me, still cuddled up using my chest as a pillow.
"I don't mind if you're a mess, as long as you're my mess, and I can do everything in my power to keep you with me." I drape my arm lightly around her body, keeping her close to me at all costs.
"Az, I know you think this is bad, what you've seen today. Today was really bad, but its not the worst I've ever been, I never want you to see me like that. My friends in LA saw me that way and I still haven't forgiven myself for half the stuff I put them through. I hope you never see me like that but I need you to know it could happen." I can feel her body shaking against mine, her breathing uneven as she tries to explain her past to me.
"I know, and it's okay." I tell her, trying to keep my voice calm.
"I know you're saying that, but I need you to be aware. I really need you to understand." She says, her grip on me tightening ever so slightly.
"Amelia, whatever happens, I will still love you. I'm not scared of what might be, as long as we get through it together okay?"
"Yeah, I, just, thanks I guess." She is clearly still anxious but her body relaxes a little in my arms which I take as a good sign.
"Let's get some sleep, remember to wake me if you need me okay?" I add, reiterating my point from our agreement we made earlier.
"I will, I promise."
I wake up to the sound of Amelia's sobs. I carefully move my body so I can see her and ask her is she's okay, only to see that she is still sleeping. Her pillow has a damp patch from her tears and I'm unsure how long she has been like this but decide waking her up is the best option.
"Amelia, wake up for me. It's just a dream, you're safe." I say quietly, her movements beginning to slow and her eyes twitching open. Though her breathing is jagged and harsh she is calmer than I expect her to be, she doesn't get out of bed or scurry to get away from me. I stay where I am, reaching to pass her a tissue but she removes it from my grasp taking my hand in her own.
"Are you okay?" I ask but she doesn't reply, instead sitting herself up so she can lay in my arms.
"It was Ryan." She replies, leaving me more confused and worried than I was before.
"What was Ryan?" I ask carefully, awaiting a further explanation.
"I dreamt about the night he died. It was like I knew it was coming but couldn't do anything to stop it." She explains, her sobs now taking place on my chest rather than the pillow.
"I'm sorry, I know you must miss him." I say, tracing my hand up and down her arm. I hate seeing her sad like this but a part of me is grateful that it was a dream about Ryan rather than a nightmare about her attack.
"I do, everyday. It's not that you're not good enough, you are. You're more than enough and I wouldn't change anything because I have you now but it still hurts." She tells me, stumbling for her words, afraid to upset me.
"You're allowed to miss him, you're allowed to love him. I know how much you love me and nothing can change that. You loving Ryan doesn't change that." I offer, trying to normalise her feelings.
"What I had with Ryan was toxic, we made each other worse but he was beginning to change. He wanted to get clean for me, for our future." Amelia is so fragile, falling apart in my arms. I wish I could take this pain away from her but I can't, it's important that she feels it.
"If you loved him I'm sure he must have been a good guy. I wish I could have met him." I say quietly, so happy that she is willing to talk to me about this.
"I'm not sure. Honestly we were so high I don't actually remember that much about him but he wanted to help me get clean so I wouldn't lose my job, so he must've had a little good I'm him."
"If you think he was good, then he was good. You loved him, and it doesn't matter that you were high, your memories are still yours and I trust them. I trust you."
She doesn't reply, or move to look at me but I feel her head nod slightly against my chest.
When we have been laying in comfortable silence for a short period of time I begin to feel my eyes getting heavy. I snap them open again, aware that I'm supposed to be awake to comfort my girlfriend. Afraid of falling asleep I decide to break the silence "Do you want to stay awake for a bit or go back to sleep?" I ask her, not showing any preference towards either of the options and leaving the ball in her court.
"What time is it?" She asks in response and I reach over to check my phone seeing the numbers 02:09 light up on the screen.
"It's a little after 2am." I tell her softly. I feel a slight chill in the air so pull at the blankets, causing them to fully cover our bodies.
"Would you mind if we stayed awake for a bit? Stay in bed but just talk?" She asks, her voice wavering a little but staying steady over all.
"Sure, what do you want to talk about?" I ask, unsure whether she wants to continue the deep discussion we were having about her previous relationship or find a lighter topic all together.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, what's up?" I respond nonchalantly, awaiting her question.
"Did you always know you were gay?" I'm not sure what I was expecting her to ask but this was certainly unexpected.
"What do you mean? Are you questioning your own sexuality?" I ask back, wondering whether she is only now beginning to think she is gay rather than bisexual.
"No, no. I'm definitely bi, I've been attracted to both guys and girls since I was a teenager, I was just wondering about you." Although I'm glad to hear her sense of self and sexuality are steady, her response only causes me to be more confused by the question.
"My first kiss was with a boy, but we were like 12 so I don't think that really counts for anything. I began to suspect I was different not long after. I experimented a lot as a teenager and by the time I was 17 I was certain. Why do you ask?" I am still confused by the ongoing topic of conversation.
"What do you mean experimented?"
"Amelia, do you have an actual question here because I'm a little confused on why this is important. What are you really getting at?" I spin the question back at her, wanting to know her true motive in this conversation. I don't mind answering and of her questions but I can't help the feeling we are dancing around her true question.
"I guess I was trying to ask… Have you ever had sex with a guy? Not that it makes any difference for anything, I'm just curious."
"You could have just asked straight out, you know I never mind answering your questions. No, I never had sex with a guy. The closest I ever getting fingered by a guy I met at a party. I should probably thank him, he was the reason I 100% knew I was a lesbian." I respond, laughing slightly at the awkward memory.
"Was he that bad?" Amelia asks, her voice sounding a little lighter than it was not too long ago.
"He was an 18 year old drunk guy, so yeah, it really wasn't great. I spent the full time focusing on his hair, it was long and I ended up trying to pretend he was a girl, it didn't take me long to realise what that meant. Why do you ask?" I feel her let out a slight sigh against me before she begins to speak.
"I don't know. Sex with you is so different to sex with guys. I know I don't have that much experience with either gender but with you it always feels so meaningful rather than plain lust filled. Also it's totally different having a penis inside you than it is fingers, I don't know how to explain it. I guess I was just curious, I don't know." She stumbles over her words, taking her time to get them to make sense but the motive for her line of questioning suddenly makes more sense.
"I think that's the difference between sex and making love. When you know someone, like really know them and you love them the sex is so much better. I used to sleep around a lot, like too much so I should know." I reply light- heartedly, not thinking much of the topic. "On the topic of penises though, despite not having had sex with a guy, I have used strap-on's before. It's not the same but it's as close as I can get to relate."
"Wait seriously?" Amelia asks and I find myself just as confused as I was earlier.
"To which bit?" I ask trying to clarify her question.
"Using a strap-on. I know I shouldn't be so surprised, you have had a much healthier sex life than me, I just… You've never mentioned it before."
"Although sex toys can be fun, they were never a necessity for me, having someone you love and care about make love to you is so much better. Also, I used to wear it more often than having it used on me, so I kinda figured that wasn't something I should bring up." I try to be as open as I can with the topic for her, fully explaining my experiences. I don't want any of her questions going unanswered.
"Why? Didn't you like having it used on you?" She wonders, I expected this to come up so I take a moment to process my answer.
"A lot of the time it was in one night stands, and I hated feeling vulnerable around these people that barely knew me. Also it is literally an attempt to mimic heterosexual sex which is not something I am interested in. With Callie, she was bi, and quite enjoyed the feeling so it just kinda worked out that way. I'm not saying I wouldn't if it's something you're interested in trying, just that it isn't something I enjoy on a regular basis." I explain carefully.
"It's not a definite no for me either y'know. I'm not in the right state of mind right now for it to happen but I wouldn't mind trying. I know I'm safe with you."
"Really? That's not what I expected." I say, failing to stifle my surprised tone.
"Yeah, I mean, I am bi, I have voluntarily had sex with guys before, not a lot but I have. But I only want to try if it's something you're interested in too."
"Sure, but only if or when you're ready. I don't want to cause any more issues for you right now." I make sure to add, knowing that her mental state isn't at its best at the moment. "You feeling a little better?" I ask referring to the sadness she was experiencing not too long ago.
"Yeah, thanks. Only I now have thoughts of you doing very inappropriate things to me, I guess horny is better than sad though." She adds laughing a little.
"Come on, let's get come sleep. If you're still horny in the morning maybe we can do something about it."
"Sounds good. Arizona, thank you for waking me."
"You're welcome. I love you, let's get some rest." I wrap my arms around her body and close my eyes, allowing some more well needed sleep to take over my body.
In the last few days I've had a bunch of writing motivation (which is annoying considering I have so much uni work to do but oh well). Anyways, here is the next chapter. As always, reviews are greatly appreciated.