So this is the beginning of a huge section, there will be multiple chapters after this related to the ending. Hope that's okay (don't worry it's not a cliff hanger or anything). Anyways, enjoy.
Amelia POV
All things considered I think I slept pretty well last night. I probably got about four hours sleep in total which isn't great but the nightmares could have been much worse. I even managed to wake Arizona when I needed her. Still, sitting here in the car on the way to the appointment, I am terrified. Last week, a lot of what scared me was not knowing what Dr Watson was going to ask, so this week we decided to try something new. Before the session, Arizona and I sat and wrote down the things I intended to bring up. This way I have more control over the topics. On the list I have: Addiction, Ryan, my Dad's murder and potentially my attack, if I'm feeling up to it. Last week I was completely useless, but this week I want to keep myself together, show Dr Watson that I am so much more than the emotional wreck she now knows me as.
When we arrive at the office I sign in and we sit down in the waiting room. Arizona passes me her hand and I take it, holding it for my own comfort.
"You okay?" Arizona asks me and I look up.
"Yeah, I mean, as okay as could be expected. You're staying again right?" I ask her, all of a sudden worried that she may opt to leave me.
"I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to leave okay?" She offers and I nod. I don't foresee any point of time where I would want to be in a therapy room on my own but I appreciate the gesture. She is giving me complete control over the situation.
"I don't want you to leave me."
"Then I'm not going anywhere."
I don't know how I got so lucky, I don't know what I did to deserve someone so caring in my life. When Dr Watson comes up to call me into the office I keep Arizona's hand in my own as we move towards the couch.
"Is Arizona joining us again this week?" The therapist asks as we sit down.
"Yeah, please." She nods to show this is okay before beginning the session.
"So Amelia, how have you been since our last session?" Dr Watson asks and I look up before answering her.
"I er, To be honest Dr Watson, after last weeks session, things were really bad. I was already having a bad day and my thoughts were just out of control. It made me realise how much I needed help to get my life back on track. I want to apologise for last week, I was an absolute mess and I'm guessing not that easy to work with."
"Please call me Anne and thank you for being honest with me. As for your emotions last week, don't ever apologise for your feelings. Everyone is entitled to their emotions and in this room, you can feel and say whatever you want and there will never be any judgement."
"Thanks, still, It couldn't have been easy for you to have to deal with me."
"Believe it or not Amelia, you were actually so much better that most people for a first appointment. Lots of people come in here and show no emotions, avoiding big life events or just listing life events like they're nothing and it makes my job so much harder. Can I ask you what you meant when you said last week was really bad?"
"My mood was really low and my thoughts terrified me."
"Can you elaborate on low?"
"Just all round dark thoughts. Hurting myself, I wanted to run, rather than work through it."
"Why didn't you?"
"Arizona, Sofia, my nieces and nephew. I didn't want to disappoint them, I didn't want to leave them."
"That's good, I'm glad you have something you think you should stick around for."
"So, you said last week you still had more history to go over, where do you want to start?"
I reach into my pocket to get the piece of paper that we wrote down the list on. "I actually wrote a few things down, I guess I should start with that stuff"
"Very organised, why did you decide to write it down?"
"I guess so I know what topics we will be discussing, no surprises." At this the therapist writes something down quickly before responding.
"That's great, so, what's first on your list?"
"I'm an addict. I've been sober for over 7 years but I still struggle cravings every day." This topic is fairly easy for me to discuss, I discuss it at AA multiple times a week so all the thoughts are pretty organised.
"What are you addicted to?"
"Drugs, specifically oxycodone. Alcohol is a gateway drug, it's a rule you learn at NA, if your a drug addict it doesn't mean you can drink alcohol. If a normal person drinks they may have fun, maybe they'll forget where they put their keys, maybe they will lose control of their actions. If an addict drinks, sometimes we forget we can't do drugs. It's dangerous. I'm sure I probably did other drugs when I was high too but I don't know specific types." I genuinely cannot remember the majority of the things that happened when I was high. It's scary, like chunks of my life are missing.
"So, do you still go to NA Amelia?"
"Yeah, I try to get to at least 3 meetings a week, sometimes NA, sometimes AA. I tried reducing it down to 2 per week but the cravings got worse so 3 is where I'm at."
"3 is a good number. So from what you have said it seems like the meetings are working in helping you with your recovery?"
"Definitely, they're a constant. Whatever is happening in my personal life, I know I can go to a meeting and I'm safe there." I say honestly, NA meetings were my saviour.
"That is a really good attitude to have. Would you mind if I asked you a bit about your struggles with addiction so I can get all the history down?"
"Go ahead."
Arizona has clearly noticed the nervous tension that has taken over my body and is gently running her thumb over my hand as a reminder that she is there.
"When did your troubles with addiction start?" Dr Watson asks and my mind flashes back to that morning at the hospital, when the doctor first handed me the prescription.
"After I was attacked, I went to the hospital instead of telling anybody what had happened. They discovered I had multiple injuries including a couple of broken ribs. The doctor at the ER prescribed my first bout of oxy." The doctor nods her head slightly and allows me to continue. "The second time, when I relapsed, it was a gradual thing. It started with alcohol, then I started drinking more than I should. The next thing I know I'm getting high with a guy I just met."
"So you were 16 when you first started?" DR Watson clarifies.
"Yeah, and the drugs started again around 7 and a half years ago."
"How did you stop?"
"Which time?" I question, knowing that this would be two very different answers.
"Either, both, whatever you want to tell me." I consider my options, thinking about avoiding the topic but ultimately deciding to discuss it. I'm here for my own good.
"I actually don't think you know this." I say to Arizona, preparing her for what she is about to hear. "The first time, it was my brother who got me clean. I got really high one day and ran away. My Mom called the police and when they found me, Derek went with them. I was on the roof of my friends house and threatening to jump. The police were just upsetting me more but Derek came up and talked to me. He got me down and got me into a rehab centre."
"Derek sounds like he was a very good man. I'm sorry you lost him." I can see her trying to hide the pity in her eyes but I don't care. I'm distracted by the fact that I see Arizona trying not to cry next to me.
"Az, it's okay. I'm okay." I offer, moving to sit closer. She nods her head a little and wraps her arms around me.
"I know, I just wish I was there to help then."
"What about the second time? Do you want to talk about that?" Dr Watson asks, interrupting the silent glances between my girlfriend and I.
"It's a much longer answer, and it brings up a lot of memories but I'll try." I say and I clear my throat a little. "I told you about getting high with some guy I hardly knew. It was in LA, before I moved to Seattle. His name was Ryan and at the time I thought I was in love with him. We spent days and nights getting high together, it was fun until it wasn't. He realised that I was losing my self control, it scared him. He knew how much my job meant to me and he knew I wanted kids so he told me I needed to get clean. He said he loved me and he wanted to see our kids grow up. We decided that night we would get clean. We had one last high together, using up the last of the drugs and then went to bed. When I woke up the next morning he was dead in bed next to me." It's only when Arizona hands me a tissue I realise that I am crying.
"Did you get clean on your own?"
"After seeing his body, seeing what the drugs could do, I called Addison. She helped me get into rehab." My mind flashes back to being in that room. Addison coming in and wrapping her arms around me. I felt like crap but I felt safe.
"That's good. I'm glad you were able to get clean. I am sorry for your loss though."
"Thanks, at the time it felt like the worst thing in the world, but a few months later I realised I was pregnant with his baby which was much worse." At this Dr Watson is unable to hide her surprise. She quickly adjusts her face back to her neutral look but the shock was still there.
"Your son?"
"Yeah. He had anencephaly, he was born without a brain. Nothing to do with the drugs, just a shitty spin of the genetic wheel." It's strange saying these words out loud. I've thought about them so many times but it's rare that I actually get to say them.
"What did you do?"
"I broke the law. I donated all of his organs to other babies."
"How is that breaking the law?"
"In LA, to be able to donate organs you need to be pronounced brain dead, but with my baby it wasn't that simple. He didn't have a functioning brain so he would never be able to do anything. He wouldn't be able to survive. But he had a functioning brain stem, which basically means nothing if you have no brain but because the brain stem functioning he couldn't be classified as brain dead. They basically had to kill him to take his organs." I keep Arizona's hand tight in my own, trying to keep my focus. Just talking about Christopher I feel like my heart is going to explode. I loved him so much, I would do anything if I could have him here with me but it's too late. I can't. There was nothing anybody could do.
"Did your friends and family support your decision?" I don't understand why this question surprises me so much but it wasn't one I had prepared to answer.
"I never told my family. None of them even knew I was pregnant, other than Addison I guess. My friends were all there, they tried to be supportive, even though some of them didn't agree with my choice. They tried. Jake was really supportive, he was my doctor. He's married to Addie now but he wasn't at the time."
"I've never heard you mention Jake before." Arizona says quietly.
"We weren't close friends-wise. That's why I chose him as my doctor. But he was there when no one else knew what to say."
"Sounds like your sister has good taste." Dr Watson says but I look to Arizona and burst out laughing. It feels almost inappropriate to laugh considering we were just talking about my dead child but now I can't stop thinking about the day I walked in on Addison and Mark.
"Sorry, I just. Yes Addison picked a good guy when she chose Jake, but she does not have the best track record with guys." I explain, only getting a raised eyebrow.
"I walked in on Addison with Derek's best friend while they were married. I kept their secret but it still got out. She also slept with her best friends husband in LA which was interesting."
"Why did you keep her secret?" I have thought about this so many times. I should have told Derek but I didn't want to lose the one sister who always looked out for me.
"Addison was a sister to me, I didn't want to lose her. And I didn't want to hurt Derek."
"What happened between them?
"Addie and Derek or Addie and Mark?"
"Actually I was asking about Mark and Derek. Did they stay friends?"
"At first no, but over time they put aside their differences. Mark moved to Seattle with Derek, leaving Addison behind. The friendship was more important to him." I think this is what happened anyway. It's the way appeared but I guess I'll never really know.
"And where is Mark now?"
"Dead, but he is the father of Arizona's daughter Sofia so I see him in her."
"Wait, I'm confused. You slept with Mark?" The therapist asks Arizona.
"No, I am 100% lesbian. My ex cheated on me with Mark, but I still loved her and I wanted to raise this child with her. I adopted Sofia as soon as she was born. Then there was a custody battle when we broke up for good. I actually won but me and my ex share custody, Sofia is old enough now to choose where she wants to live in the long run and the other gets school breaks and stuff."
"Okay, wow. That sounds complicated. I'm not even going to get into all that right now."
"If you think of it all at once it is complicated, but I have lived it. Its my life."
"That's very true. Do you get on well with Sofia Amelia?"
"Yeah, she's amazing. I love spending time with her."
"You should see them talking disney together, its hilarious." Arizona tells the therapist and she smiles, writing down her notes.
"So Amelia, is there anything else on your list we need to discuss? Any more history?" I flick my eyes to the list.
"My dad." I say kinda quietly, working out where to begin.
"You said last week that you were young when he died. Did you want to elaborate on that?" She asks, giving me a push in the right direction.
"I don't remember all the details but I was there when it happened, so was Derek. We were sat on the floor behind the counter and I was playing with a couple of coins. Derek was reading a comic. I didn't notice them at first but Derek did. Two men had a gun pointed at my Dad and he was emptying the cash and giving it to them. They shot him anyway. Derek said it was because they wanted his watch but he wouldn't give them it. My mom got it engraved for their anniversary. I remember I tried to scream but derek had a hand over my mouth to keep me quiet and his other arm around my body so I couldn't move. He wouldn't let me go."
"He was keeping you safe. You were his little sister." Arizona says, and I know it's true.
"I still have the watch. My mom gave it to Derek, it was a men's watch so it seemed like the right thing to do but Derek gave it to me. He said it was a reminder that Dad was always watching over me." I explain, wiping the tears that are building in my eyes.
"Do you think what happened still influences your life?" Anne asks me and for the first time I think about it, really think about what life would have been like if my dad has survived. It was his death that separated me from other kids at school. I was the girl who saw her dad die, the girl whose brother walked her to school because her mom was working too hard to provide food for us to eat. If I wasn't a social outcast maybe I wouldn't have gone to that party, maybe I wouldn't have been drugged and raped. If my attack had not happened, then I would never have been prescribed oxy, and I wouldn't be fighting with the cravings every night. If my attack had not happened, maybe I wouldn't need to damage my body in an attempt to deal with my emotions. I wouldn't have gotten high with Ryan, I wouldn't have been pregnant or given birth to a baby with no life. I wouldn't have been at a meeting that day and I wouldn't have met Arizona. My life would be so different. Or maybe it wouldn't. Maybe everything we do or say is determined by a higher power. Maybe God, or the universe controls our every action and there is nothing we can do about it. Our paths are set in stone from the moment we set foot on the earth. That's the thing, we can think about a different past or a different present and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. We just have the life we are living, that's what we have got to work with.
"I don't know. Maybe it still influences my life, or maybe not. All I know is that it happened, and I can't change that. I just have to be grateful for what I've got. I have Arizona and Sofia and my friends and I've got to make the most of it."
"That is a very smart answer. I shouldn't be surprised, you're a neurosurgeon, you must be really clever." I have never dealt well with compliments so I just nod slightly and avert my eyes. She clearly notices that I am uncomfortable, writing down a couple notes before continuing.
"So, Amelia, is there anything else on your list you want to discuss?" Dr Watson asks me and I flick my eyes to the paper, seeing only "attack?" left uncovered. I shake my head, not wanting to discuss the topic. Arizona gives my hand a small squeeze, I'm not sure whether its a hint to reply or just for comfort but I appreciated her effort and try to compose myself.
"Not really." I respond quietly and the doctors nods showing her understanding.
"So, we have taken a history and I'd like to get started on the regular routine of these sessions if that's okay, but I do have a couple of things to go over before that. So firstly, it's just a reminder that anything you say in this room is confidential, I know you're aware of doctor/patient confidentiality rules but legally I have to remind you. Secondly, at any point during these sessions, if a topic comes up that you don't want to discuss, just tell me. Unless I think it's urgent I will do my very best to avoid it. Do you have any questions Amelia?"
"Yeah, I guess just, what do you define as urgent? I don't like the idea of being made to discuss things, especially without warning so I guess I just want to be prepared." I answer as honestly as I can.
"The biggest issue is if I think you're at immediate risk of suicide, or hurting yourself in a way that would cause irreversible damage." Anne explains and I nod.
"The days when things are that bad are pretty uncommon anyway."
"But you do have them?" I nod, confirming my previous statement. "When was the last time you had one of those days?"
My thoughts flash back to the previous week, after my first therapy session. "Last week. But before that it was at least 6 months ago, probably a little longer." I admit, it's strange talking about these thoughts and feelings. For so long I've just pretended they didn't exist and suddenly I'm here discussing them with someone who's basically a stranger.
"Do you know what triggered these feelings last week?"
"I guess it was a mix of a few things but the nightmares were really bad so I had barely slept and then my first appointment here, I just couldn't deal with it all."
"Do you have a plan? If you wanted to end it all?"
"I've never thought about it too much. My first call would be go back to the drugs but then I have to see how disappointed everyone would be. I don't know."
"Not knowing is good. It means you still want to live most of the time. Not knowing is definitely a good response. So how did you get through it?"
"Arizona helped, I cried a lot, said some things that would normally scare people away but she didn't leave. I mean, literally didn't leave my side. It was annoying at first but I get why."
"Why was it annoying?"
"I wanted to cut, but she wouldn't leave and I couldn't bring myself to do it in front of her. I tried but I couldn't do it."
"How did it make you feel when you couldn't do it?"
"At first angry and frustrated but as time passed I was grateful I didn't. I don't like hurting myself but it helps. Mixed feelings I guess." I explain as well as I can, not fullying understanding my own feelings as it is.
"It's good to know you don't enjoy it, it makes it a little more easy to quit when the time is right." Anne explains. The thought of quitting completely is terrifying but also appealing. I want to be able to stop.
As the session comes to an end Dr Watson explains she has a few homework tasks she would like me to work on. "So firstly I would like you to work on a thought diary. If you can invest in a diary or a notebook that'd be great, and you can just write down things that you've done each day and how they made you feel. These can be positive or negative things, whatever you're feeling as long as its honest. That way when you come into our sessions we will have more things to talk about and we can try to work out ways to limit the negative emotions. Is that okay? "
"Yeah, I can do that. What else?" I ask, seeing that the doctor isn't finished.
"This one isn't an immediate one, and it's always on your terms." She begins and I feel a little panicked at the phrasing. I stay calm and allow her to finish but hold Arizona's hand in my own for comfort. "I want you to talk to someone you trust, other than Arizona. How much you say or don't say is totally up to you but it's important you have support in place from multiple angles of life. Not that I think this will happen, but what if you and Arizona broke up, it's important you have someone out there to help you. Do you have someone you trust that much? "
"Yeah, I- uh, I have Addie."
"Great. So, nice to see you both again and I'll see you next week?"
"Yeah, thanks, see you then."
So, that was therapy session 2. From here I don't intend to do every therapy session, but I'll still have talk about them, and include the odd one.
Thanks for reading! As always reviews are appreciated.