I just don't know what to do
I'm too afraid to love you

It's heaven on earth
In her embrace
Her gentle touch
And her smiling face
I'm just one wishing
That I was a pair

Too Afraid to Love You – The Black Keys

Chapter 5: Rogue

Brady

I left Lexi's house at the end of the first day, casually glancing up at the window I had last seen her watching me out of. That must have been her room,I thought, unconsciously taking note of its location and surroundings. I waited to see if there was any indication of her presence. When there was no movement, I jumped into my truck and let it roar to life. I sped out of the driveway, making sure to press down extra hard on the gas to make it really sound against the trees. I wanted her to know that I was leaving for the day in some immature, self-obsessed kind of way. My loud truck was my pride and joy. I realize I'm not from the south, but...my loud truck made me happy and girls swoon. It usually didn't fail me when I wanted to get attention by peeling noisily out of a parking lot or driveway. Yeah, you could say I knew how to turn heads.

After I was a few miles down the road, I pulled down a dead end lane and killed the engine. Jumping out, I stripped down and quickly phased. This looked like a good spot to safely phase that was close to Lexi's house.

Pussy, I thought, chastising myself. I was already planning on how to best protect her. But why shouldn't I? She was mine, after all. As I unbuttoned my pants and let them fall to the grass, a strange realization settled over me.

Lexi was mine.

I was hers.

Or at least...that's the way I wanted things to be, anyway.

The entire idea of imprinting was new to me. To be honest, I never wanted to. But now that I had met her and touched her and been around her scent all day, it was...intoxicating. I wanted to fight it because that's who I was - a free, independent guy who relies on no one. And yet, try as I might, I simply couldn't fight the imprint because she was already taking hold of my cold heart and stubborn head. When she had fired back at me repeatedly and told me not to call her 'girl', I knew there and then she was for me right away. I was an asshole, after all. I needed a girl that could dish out as much as one that could handle me.

I was struck with a strange thought – could she handle me?

Sure, she seemed independent and fiery. And in some ways, her stubborn nature mirrored my own. But could I stay faithful to just her? My gut told me yes, but my past experience told me no. Imprinting was so strange. I wanted to be with her, but I was still myself. Or was I?

Shaking at the thought, I phased into wolf form so that I could run to her house. I'd piss on every tree in the perimeter to stake my claim if that's what it took. Even if she did seem to loath me, it was still in my blood to protect her.

Besides...the need to be close to her again was eating at me.

Today we had made progress. Sure, we had screamed at each other and fought, but...isn't that what people do? I had at least talked to her. Spent some time getting to know her. She had shared things. It was kinda like a date.

Or not.

Whatever.

I had talked to her. That was all that mattered. But we did eat together. That had to count for something, right?

I heard Astin groan inwardly as my paws hit the ground. He didn't want to patrol with me and put up with unwanted sharing of my thoughts. It was alright – I was used to being the asshole no one wants to partner with when patrolling. I was a self-aware asshole, don't forget.

I'm just going to see something. Relax, puss.

Nice to see you too, he greeted me. I need to concentrate though. Keep the X-rated stuff to yourself.

Touchy touchy! I teased, making my way back to Lexi's house.

I'm out here alone for the first time. Jake trusted me with the dinner shift to see how I'd do on my own. I can't be distracted.

I feigned hurt. Distracted? By what?

He sighed inwardly again, trying not to divulge more. I persisted in finding out exactly how I could be distracting him, begging and whining with all that I had.

Okay okay. I don't want to listen to or see images of your disgusting details about whatever street whore you banged the shit out of last night, okay?

Hey, I've never banged a street whore or a hooker as they are actually classified. All of my conquests have been at least eighteen and completely consensual, by the way.

Ulgh.

Well, they have. And actually, I paused, wondering whether or not to divulge this new information to him. I didn't bang anyone last night.

Um, what? This is a first. A dry spell for Brady.

No man. It's not that.

Up until now, the other guys still have no idea that I have imprinted. Having had years of practice sharing my headspace with a dozen other guys, I had gained the willpower to control what I share through our mental link and what I don't. For instance, my pack rarely sees the overflowing glasses of wine my mother drinks, or the times my dad had decided to get physical with his anger and taken it out on me. Those things I don't share. However, my pack mates can test the mental flavor of my mind when I leave the house, so I'm sure it's no mystery. I never wanted anyone to know much about the disgraceful things my family did or for people to feel sorry for me, so I always preferred to keep the gory details of my home life to myself. But as I was saying, I do have complete control over what I shared with him, so I shared the memory of imprinting on Lexi. And her hating me.

You...you imprinted? On her?

Yeah...why so shocked?

Well...she's so nice! Astin thought, quickly wincing as he realized how it sounded. He was shocked that such a nice, pretty, and normal girl was my imprint when I was clearly a raging lunatic. He felt sorry for the girl.

In a way, I did too.

I mean...she's...she's awesome man, I just...that's not who I expected...um...

Just stop thinking, I snapped, sliding to a halt near her backyard. Astin was patrolling miles away. I might have gone and kicked his hairy ass had I been closer, but tonight, I was distracted.

I was experiencing Lexi as a wolf for the first time. The scent of her home, her family, and her – everything was magnified as I stood in her backyard, concealed by the trees and the fading daylight. Her fathers were home, standing in the kitchen, speaking in soft voices. They were concerned about her; apparently, the phone had rung and Lexi's mother was on the other line. Stepping forward a little, I pricked my ears and listened carefully. Lexi was in her room, pacing as she held the phone to her ear. Did I feel like a stalker? Hell, yes. But I needed anything to help me understand this girl so that I could possibly relate to her and make her not hate me.

Astin gave me some space as he patrolled, turning his thoughts elsewhere. I silently thanked him and inched closer to the house to eavesdrop.

"No, Mom. I can't. Because I go back to school on Monday! It's not worth it to only fly home for a week. Besides...I'd just have to leave again. That would only upset him," Lexi reasoned emphatically.

Him? Him! Who was he? I felt myself start to panic. Did she have a boyfriend I didn't know about?

"I can't...keep doing this. I'll talk to him tomorrow. Yes, I'll call him. Maybe he could come and visit this summer?" Lexi offered, the sadness in her voice threatening to break through.

My ears strained to hear the voice on the other end of the line, but my superhuman hearing could only take me so far. I couldn't hear anything but mumbling through the phone. Obviously, her mother was telling her that some guy missed her. Maybe an old boyfriend? Or did she have a current one I would have to compete with? It had to be a boyfriend, there is no way she'd be this upset if not. She was beautiful…of course she had other guys in her life. Normally, I would enjoy a bit of competition, but now...now it just made me feel kinda sick.

"I...miss him too. But...he can't miss me as much as you say...no, Mom, I don't think you're lying," Lexi continued, her voice quivering.

I was openly pacing in her yard now. From her voice, Lexi was clearly upset and trying hard not to break down. Clearly this guy, whoever it was, was very important to her. The light was quickly fading, but it wasn't dark enough that human eyes would miss me, a giant black wolf practically wearing a track in the grass. But I didn't care.

She sighed. "Just tell him...tell him I still love him and I'll see him soon. I don't know, Mom, just...soon."

Obviously, I had competition.

I spent the night patrolling a circle around her house, marking every other tree in the area. Astin rolled his eyes at me more than once, and when we were joined by Quil, he couldn't help but laugh at me.

Would you assholes knock it the fuck off? I'm just doing my job.

Yeah, patrolling around the house of the girl who gave you a verbal bitch slap at the bonfire, Quil cackled.

I flattened my ears and tried my best to ignore Quil and his jibes. He could taunt me all he wanted, but I knew that it wasn't always smooth sailing with him and Claire. If Lexi was a pistol, then his imprint was a nuclear bomb.

I sat and listened as she hung up the phone and threw herself on the bed. I could hear the muffled sobs into the mattress as she cried herself to sleep after that. One thing was for sure – Lexi definitely had feelings for whoever this guy was. Girls didn't cry themselves to sleep over just any guy, right?

Quil and Astin were silent as I mournfully walked the already worn path by her house. I really did have competition, and it wasn't good. Lexi was very upset by whoever she had been talking about – she missed him. Would she go back to California to be with him? My chest panged painfully. I knew that I would be a goner if she left me now. Fuck, why did I have to meet her in the first place? Why couldn't she have stayed in California and spared me the agony of losing her? I had seen what happened when wolves were away from their imprints – it wasn't pretty. Case in point – Embry Call – the guy I had frequently teased for his imprint misery. And now, I might possibly share his fate.

I wished I had never even met her.

Things could have stayed the way they were, and I would be minus the pain of knowing my imprint was even out there, somewhere.

You can't forget her that easily. It doesn't work that way, Quil's internal voice rang out.

Shut the fuck up, I growled. The last thing I need is your input.

My pack mates backed off as I gave one last huff in the direction of Lexi's house. With that, I tore off into the woods to blow off some steam. I had no idea what to do now – usually, when I was upset about something, it was trivial for starters. But no matter what, I had my surefire ways to make things better; go on a drinking binge, fuck someone pretty, or do something to piss off my father. All of these options seemed to be useless at the moment.

I phased back around midnight, pulling on my clothes and stalking into La Push with my skin crawling. I was so jealous of this mystery guy Lexi was pining after that I could barely even see straight as I pushed through the heavy wooden door. Normally, the smell of the smoky little bar put me in a good mood. But tonight...tonight it just made my stomach turn and gave me something to prove.

I sat down at the end of the bar and flagged down Maggie, the weekend bartender.

"Whiskey, and keep it coming," I barked. She nodded, putting two double shot glasses up on the bar in front of me.

"What kind do you want?" she asked, glancing at the back bar.

"Any kind, Jesus, just get me a fucking drink!" I growled.

Her eyes widened a little, but she said nothing as she poured the two shot glasses full and slid them closer to me in the same way you would give food to a caged animal. I downed them instantly, not even wincing as the nasty brown liquid fueled my inner fire. "Just give me the bottle," I said, tossing a few twenties on the counter. Reaching across the bar, I yanked the brown bottle off the shelf and slammed it down on the counter in front of me.
People stared in my direction. I didn't care about how they were looking at me, I just wanted my drink and it was coming too slowly for my comfort.

Maggie looked at me with wide eyes but knew better than to test me when I was in one of my moods. I had been short with her before, but my generous tips usually made me easier for her to deal with. She knew when to give me space.

Shot.

Shot.

Another shot.

The more you drink, the better whiskey tastes.

So I drank more.

And more.

And more.

Still more.

Another bottle purchased.

I was halfway through it before I noticed it was a different brand.

A girl sat down next to me, flipping her hair in my direction. She smelled good. Not as good as Lexi and her green apples, but...good.

"Drinkin' someone off your mind?" she asked saucily.

"No," I snapped, taking another drink. I was a bad liar.

"I see," she said. I turned my head in her direction, raising an eyebrow at her. She was pretty enough, in her early forties probably. A cougar, looking for a good time with a younger guy. Normally, I was all over that. Cougars could show you a good time – they were confident, they knew their bodies...and yours. They knew how to take what they wanted and usually didn't want more than a long night and a good fuck. They weren't clingy or whiny, and they could teach you things in bed.

In typical circumstances, I would be barricaded with her in the tiny bathroom by now, balls deep and loving it.

But all I could see were Lexi's blue eyes.

This woman smelled like flowers. And usually, I loved any kind of flowery scent.

Suddenly, I just wanted apples. Specifically, green apples.

I wanted Lexi.

Not this woman.

"I could help you forget her. Just for tonight," she purred, putting on her most seductive smile.

"You drinkin' someone off your mind too?" I shot back. I was being a cocky ass, but...it was what I did best.

"It's just an offer. Take it or leave it."

"Not tonight, sugar. Any other night, sure, but...not tonight."

"Fair enough. I like a man who doesn't beat around the bush. Some other time," she sighed, sliding down the bar to proposition someone else. The guy she picked looked even younger than me. I smiled bitterly to myself.

I had it bad for this girl.

Yeah, blue eyes and green apples. That was all I could think about.

And meanwhile, she was probably still in her room, crying in her sleep over some other guy.

I sat on my stool, downing a double shot every few minutes as I sat and stewed. How could she already have someone else? She didn't mention anyone in the kitchen today. She seemed fine. A little homesick, but fine. Or had I just been blind?

I did a mental rewind of the morning as I sat there, images of Lexi flashing through my mind. She was gorgeous, really. Silky blonde hair, pink cheeks, and traces of a tan still left. My usual targets were the paler brunette girls with green or hazel eyes – those were my type, hence my initial attraction to Regan. But Lexi was obviously my new type, I suppose. This was so confusing. Everything I thought I had known about myself had changed in the span of one day. No wonder I was on edge. Lexi's blue-eyed gaze seemed to have burned onto my eyeballs; everywhere I looked in the smoky bar...there she was. I shuddered and took another big gulp of the fiery brown whisky. If anything, it agitated me more.

I gulped down the rest of the bottle, hoping it would ease my pain and suffering like it usually did. Instead, it merely reacted with my stomach, making me feel queasy and agitated. With another growl, I heaved the empty bottle at the wall closest to me, watching it shatter in a flurry of glass. Everyone in the bar stopped talking and stared as I stood and shoved my bar stool away with a grunt.

"Maggie, I..." I stuttered, glancing at the mess. I tossed another twenty down and staggered out the back door that was closest to me. The cool night air hit my face and did little to sober me. As a wolf, my high body temperature burned off alcohol fairly quickly, however, when you chugged something with higher alcohol content, like whisky, the effects could last as much as half an hour.

I ambled through the streets of the tiny town, listless and still more agitated than I had ever been. My chest clenched with need, but a need for what, I didn't know. Drinking usually made things clearer somehow. Tonight's binge only made me feel more helpless. Exactly what I hated most. That feeling of helplessness and lack of control. Turns out half an hour of numbness didn't get me too far. Before I realized it, I was almost completely sober and wandering through La Push like a buffoon.

I felt lost.

Slightly buzzed and lost.

But mainly lost.

I walked and walked, probably for hours. When I ended up on Lexi's front lawn, I was hardly surprised. I crumpled to the ground, the twisting feeling in my sternum finally easing up. The pretty exterior lights that illuminated her house looked hazy from the dew that was settling over the green grass. I sat on the moist lawn, resting my arms across my knees as I stared up at her window. Then – I heard it.

The soft beat of her heart as she slept. The gentle, steady rhythm seemed to calm every frazzled nerve in my body as I stopped fighting it and let it into my head. It pulled me in, closer and closer, until everything else faded away.

My father's voice. Alcohol. Random faces of the girls I'd loved and left. My mother's pain. My own self-hatred.

The ugly things that were haunting me were suddenly a distant memory.

She had ensnared my heart without even trying. Lexi hadn't found me to challenge me and take away what I knew. This girl had been sent to me to give me a sense of peace.

And belonging.

I let the idea soothe me further, and I realized I hadn't been this serene since I was a kid. Long before the pack, the vampires, and the harsh reality of it all. For a few moments, I was just...me.

I don't know how long I stayed there before I heard footsteps behind me. Quil nudged me with his big toe.

"What are you doing, creep? I've been in the bushes for twenty minutes trying to get your attention. You do realize you can't be here when the sun comes up, right?"

I shrugged, looking up at him. The slackened look on my face must have clued him in to my blissfully comatose state.

"I get it now," I said quietly, nodding in the direction of her house. "The imprint thing. I get it."

"Great, well-"

He was just about to say something to mock me, I'm sure, when Astin's distant howl rang out through the woods. It was far away, but it was him.

"Knew I shouldn't have left the pup alone. Come on, let's go. You sobered up yet? I can smell it all over you."

"I'm phasing, not operating a vehicle," I snapped, climbing to my feet. We ran to the tree line and quickly phased. I let Astin's thoughts mold with mine, and I realized he had picked up a strange scent. His thoughts were panicky and warbled as he tried to follow it. His rational fear was holding him back. He needed backup.

We're coming! Quil assured him. Stay on it!

I followed on Quil's heels, still distracted. I knew Lexi had a hold on me – not even the scent of a rogue vampire could snap me out of the trance she had me under tonight.

Ooooh Brady. Our stubborn little asshole is about to meet a very important vampire that will change his life. Not at this point in the story, but…soon. Reading your reviews is the best – you all love to hate Brady, yet you feel for him when Lexi hands him his ass. You like him, but you want him to pay.

Speaking of reviews…I didn't get to answering them yet. Please know that I read and loved them all, and I spent all my free time writing this time around. This story and finishing up LTP is taking up ALL of my time, so I hope you understand. I will get to them and please know that I read ALL of them and they serve as wonderful inspiration and keep me writing.

Look for an update on LTP soon, as well as my blog. I'll be posting the kick ass graphics I have for this fic, along with some pics of the characters. Now I'm off to watch the TVD and see the people who inspired Brady and Lexi (Carline Forbes and Tyler Lockwood) ; )