So this was a really difficult chapter to write because I care so much about these characters. I know in this universe I have changed some details but I wanted Addison to still be Addison, I didn't want to mess with her characteristics too much. Addison and Amelia's relationship on Private practice was one of my favourite reasons for watching. I wanted to show Addie's stubborn side, but also her caring side for her little sister. I'm hoping the way I did this chapter works and that you will approve of choices.
Trigger warnings: Detailed description of rape. Mentions of self harm and drug abuse.
Amelia POV
I was crazy to think that I would be able to talk about this. It is one thing to talk to my girlfriend, she has known things from day one, but Addie is different. I will always be her little sister. She was there when I was attacked and she didn't notice something was wrong. She will blame herself, and that's not something I can deal with. I don't want her to blame herself, she can't change it. This is my life, and these see my problems. I should be able to deal on my own. Arizona helps as much as she can, and I know that Anne wants me to talk to Addison incase anything happens between myself and Arizona, but I don't think that could ever happen. And if anything came between us, I don't think that's a world I'd want to live in. I pace back and forth in my bedroom, letting every worst case scenario run through my head. I cannot believe I've gotten myself into this position again, I am so stupid.
"Amelia, calm down. Hey, look at me." Arizona says calmly as she enters the room. She places her hands on my shoulders to still my movements. "You're okay, I promise."
"I can't do it Az, I can't talk to Addison about this. I was stupid to think-"
"Stop, right there. Nobody calls my amazing girlfriend stupid, not even my girlfriend herself. She is kind, caring, smart, and everything I could have ever asked for." Arizona lists as she pulls me in for a hug. "You're perfect Amelia, you're so, so strong, and brave. I know you are going to be okay."
"I don't feel strong and brave right now." I admit as I come to rest in her arms.
"I know."
I've never felt as anxious as I do now, knowing that Addison is on her way over. Arizona has so much faith in me, she believes that I can get through this, and I can't let her down, not after how much she has done for me. I make the most of every last second I can spend in Arizona's arms before I have to relive the memories all over again. I have thought about just giving her a brief explanation, telling her about the nightmares like I did with mer, but it doesn't seem right. I trust Addie, with all my life. One of the first things you learn about at AA is the importance of honesty. Lying, especially to those you love is one of those most common triggers of relapse. Sure you're not expected to tell the whole world about your problems, but trusting the people you're closest to is a huge focus. I know I definitely need to have a conversation with Addie today, and Anne said whatever I choose to say/not to say is up to me entirely, but I know that's not true. If I tell only a partial truth then it's just as bad as lying. I cannot afford a slip right now. I'm afraid that if the drugs start then I'll never recover. For the first time in my life, I'm in a good place. I don't want to do anything to compromise that.
I have opted for comfy clothes, baggy enough to hide my body. I want to be as comfortable as possible when I go through the difficult situations that I know will occur today. Whenever I talk about my life, whether it be struggles with mental health or my attack, I always feel overly self conscious. I found with Arizona that baggy clothing helped me feel safer, more contained. Just when I think the nerves could not grow any stronger, I hear the knock on the door. It's time.
Once Addie is inside, Arizona excuses herself. She makes sure to reassure me that she is only in the next room if I need her, which ultimately doesn't help my nerves but I appreciate the effort.
"Amelia, I'm freaking out just a little bit here, can you please tell me what is going on?" Addison begins once Arizona is no longer in the room.
"We will, just, before we start I have a few things to explain. I just, as hard as you think this is, it's going to be way harder for me, so I may need a little time. Just promise me, whatever I say in here stays between us okay?" I see Addison's face changes as she realises the severity of the discussion that will take place.
"Amelia, it's fine. I promise, just tell me what's going on." Addison pursues, and every muscle in my body is begging for me to run, to escape the pain but I don't. I tuck my legs up onto the chair and try to process where to start.
"I told you I started going to therapy." I begin, it's as good a place to start as any. "But I didn't really tell you why."
"You said you were going to stay sober."
"I am, I guess. But there is more to it. I've been struggling a lot and Arizona thought it would be helpful. Anne, the therapist is kind of the reason you're here. One of my pieces of homework was to talk to someone I trust except Az, she knows everything already but Anne said I should talk to somebody else too, incase anything happens between Arizona and I. Honestly, I don't see that happening, like at all, which means all of this is pointless but-"
"Amelia, I'm a little lost here."
"Sorry. I trust you. You're the only other person I can talk to about me and I don't want you to look at me any differently. I just want everything to stay the same. You're my sister."
"I don't care what you say, you're still going to be my sister. I'm just worried." Addie retorts, and I can see the sadness in her face but I know she is telling the truth.
"I just don't know how to talk about this stuff."
"You said Arizona knows. How did you talk to her?"
Addison raised a good point. I know the situation is different, but I managed to talk to Az. I think back to the first time she comforted me, truly comforted, and I find my answer. "I have nightmares, and panic attacks. Arizona somehow wound up witnessing both on the same day. It was unplanned, I didn't want it to happen, but it did."
"Amelia, you could have talked to me. How long has this been going on?"
"20." I state and she raises an eyebrow.
"20 months?"
"Years. 20 years." I admit quietly and Addison seems immediately alarmed.
"Why didn't you tell anybody?" She asks, it's a question I have come to wonder about across the years too. It's not like I liked struggling alone, it's just that talking about it made it real. I wasn't ready to deal with it, so I did drugs.
"I was scared. At first I hid my pain with the drugs, and then by the time I was clean it was harder to talk about. I pushed everyone away and found my own methods of coping. It wasn't healthy but it worked."
"Is that when the self harm started?" I feel like my heart skips a beat, the sudden realisation that one of my darkest secrets was already known, and it hadn't affected our relationship gives me comfort.
"Wait? You know about that? How? I was always so careful."
"I saw the scars. They looked old, so I didn't see the point in bringing it up. Plus you were already trying to push me away, I didn't want to give you another reason to do so." Addie explains and I search my brain for any situation where it would even be possible. I never have my legs on display, never.
"When?" I ask, wanting clarity on the situation.
"When you had your baby. The hospital gown rose up a little. I'm sorry I saw them."
"Don't be. I didn't even notice you saw them which is probably a good thing, I would have freaked." I admit.
"I just figured it was something you wouldn't ever talk about so I didn't bring it up." Addison reassures and I give a sad smile.
"It's been bad again recently. It's why I left LA, I needed a fresh start, there were too many memories. Arizona found out I'd been cutting and convinced me to go to therapy." I say, not fully realising the enormity of what I was admitting until after the words had been formed. "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I didn't want you to see me differently and to be honest it's not even the most messed up part of me and I was scared I would lose you, which seems stupid now because you already knew but still."
"Amelia, you're not going to lose me. Yes I knew about it in the past, but I didn't know it was still happening. I'm a little shocked but I'm glad you're getting help, and that you trust me enough to share." Addison says simply. Not showing any signs of judgement.
After a few silent moments, I see Addison's thoughts begin to reel. I seriously wish I could just be in Arizona's arms right now but I know I would break down. The tears would begin to flow and wouldn't stop for the rest of the day.
"What are you thinking?" I ask my sister, pulling my knees closer to to chest.
"What do you mean?" She replies, shrugging off the question.
"You forget how well I know you. I can see you thinking. You clearly have questions, just ask me, I'll try to answer."
"I was wondering why you didn't talk to anyone at first. From the scars I figured it started a long time ago, and you just said it had been 20 years, that makes you what? 16? You were still living with family and you had me and Derek and your mom. Why didn't you say anything?"
"It wasn't that simple. I had just gotten myself clean, people were already worried about me as it was. Without the drugs, it was how I dealt. It was my escape. If I told anybody they would have made me stop, and I wasn't ready to give it up."
"But you are now?"
"I don't know. But I'm going to try. It's a small step, and I have Sofia to think about, and I want to stop, so I'm going to try." I say slowly, only now starting to believe the words I am saying. At first I was going to therapy because it was what Arizona wanted, and I thought maybe it'd help me be more normal, but now I actually want to do it for me. My immediate response is to tell Arizona, this is a huge discovery.
I get up from the chair and Addison catches my arm.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I just need a moment." I say as I leave the room, scurrying towards my bedroom. Arizona is sat on the bed, a medical journal on her lap and Netflix in the background. With my entrance she immediately pauses the tv show and makes space for me next to her.
"Amy, are you okay?" She asks looking slightly worried.
"Yeah, I realised that I wanted to get better for me. I've never thought that before. Everything I do is always for other people and now, I want to help me. I've never felt like this. I wanted to tell you first." I express, sudden excitement taking over my body. She opens her arms and I fall into them, accepting the embrace and holding myself close to her.
"I'm so proud of you." Arizona tells me, stroking my hair softly.
"Addison already knew about the cutting. She saw them when I had Christopher. I hadn't noticed they were visible and she just hadn't brought it up."
"How do you feel about that?"
"I don't know. It made it easier to talk about because the initial shock wasn't there. It was still a shitty conversation but it wasn't as bad."
"That's good. And about your attack?"
"I haven't got that far yet. I'm still not sure how."
"I'm sure it'll be-" Arizona starts before getting interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Amelia, you okay?" Addie asks as the door opens slowly.
"Yeah. I told you I just needed a moment. I'm okay, I promise." I say, not moving from the comfortable position I am in against my girlfriends chest.
"Y'know, I don't think I've ever seen you this comfortable around another person. I like this look on you. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you think you're more comfortable with Arizona because she is a woman?"
"Amelia is bisexual Addison, I just happened to be here." Arizona replies for me, and I smile at get response.
"I am bi, but yeah I think it's because she is a woman." I follow up.
"Now I'm confused." Addison replies and I look to my girlfriend.
"Az, I know you said I should do this on my own, but now feels like the right time." I explain, hoping she will be okay with the situation and I get a nod of approval. I take a deep breath and hold onto Arizona like my life depends on it. This is it, this is the moment.
"Amelia, right time for what?"
"Addie I was raped."
I don't know how I expected Addie to react, but her face barely changes. It's like she hasn't heard what I said, my biggest admission has just gone straight over her head.
"Addie, please."
"I'm processing." She responds blankly, no emotion showing in her voice. Arizona has an arm wrapped around me and my tears threaten to fall.
"Addie please talk to me."
"How could you keep this from me?" Addison asks wiping below her eyes, removing tears from their welling.
"It wasn't just you. Nobody knew until Arizona heard one of my nightmares. I didn't know how to talk about it. I tried to tell Charlotte, but I just couldn't get it out." I try to explain but my emotions begin to overflow, creating a damp patch on my girlfriends shirt. She rubs small circles on my back, trying to comfort me as my sister leaves the room. I knew it was a bad idea, I should have just kept it to myself. Addison shouldn't have to deal with my problems, maybe inviting her here was a mistake, I'm not sure.
Addison should've been back by now and I start to get a bit worried. Just as I'm about to get up to check she is okay my phone buzzes showing a text from Addison.
Needed time to think. I'll be back in 30 mins. I love you.
"Are you okay?" Arizona asks me, not releasing her grip on my body.
"Not really."
"What can I do?"
"Don't leave me. Just stay, that's all I need"
"I can do that."
I take Arizona's hand and begin moulding it into shapes, the way I normally do when I have a panic account. Turns out this is a helpful preventative measure as well a useful coping mechanism.
"You want me to kick Addison's ass for you?" My girlfriend asks, trying to lighten the mood a little but I shake my head.
"No, she gets to be mad. I hid something huge from her, it's my fault."
"But that doesn't make it any easier. You're allowed to hurt too." She says softly, tucking my hair behind my ear.
"She should be back soon. You going to be okay?"
"I want to stay with you." I say to Arizona, looking her in the eyes to show I am serious. She nods her head, not arguing against my wish and holds me close as we both hear the door click shut.
Arizona POV
I hate seeing how much Amelia is hurting. I know Addison is her sister, and I understand she is in shock with this whole situation, but she had no right to walk out like that. I was the one left here to hold Amelia as she cried. Amelia showed Addison her most vulnerable secret, the least she could have done is show a little compassion. Just stay and listen, hear her out. I am so angry. I know she loves Amelia, and I know Amy looks up to her but walking out like that, it is possibly the worst response. Amelia deserves so much, and she is so strong, and I won't let anybody get in the way of that.
I climb out from behind my girlfriend, telling her I'll be back in a minute. I leave our bedroom, closing the door behind me and I see Addison in the hallway and I'm overcome with anger.
"What they hell were you thinking? Amelia just told you her deepest secret and you walked out. Do you realise how hurtful that is? She just spent the last half an hour crying in my arms, and still she thinks you didn't do anything wrong. She said it was her fault from keeping it from you, and that you get to have all your feelings. That's the kind of person she is, she will put everybody else ahead of herself, I love that about her but right now, I think she is being way too kind. So if you aren't totally on Amelia's side right now, you need to leave."
"Are you finished?" Addison asks and I give a slow nod, only now realising the potential repercussions of my rant. "Arizona, I think that you and Amelia are amazing together, I hope you know that. I know walking out earlier probably wasn't the most sensible thing to do, but I had my reasons, and I came back. I'm here for the long run. Amelia is my sister, through thick and thin, I'm not leaving her. If you give me just a few minutes to talk to her, I think you'll see that."
I am hesitant to accept but I hear a small cough and turn to see Amelia stood in the doorway of our room.
"Az it's fine, but you're staying here too."
Amelia walks towards me and puts her hand in my own and we head into the living room.
"Amelia I brought you something." Addison announces reaching into a bag I hadn't noticed into now. She passes Amelia what looks to be an old hoodie, it looks ancient, the original black dye now grey and the hems tatty and frayed.
"I haven't seen this thing in years. I'm surprised you still have it." Amelia says pulling it over her head, It's huge on her but it makes her smile. My girlfriend leans into my arms, keeping herself wrapped in the hoodie Addison had brought. "It used to be Derek's, he got this thing when he was like, 15 or something." Amelia begins to explain.
"We were dating and I may have stolen it. Whenever I was feeling sad I would wear it, and it made me feel better. As we got older, I spent more time babysitting Amelia, and whenever she was sad, I would let her borrow it. I never travel far without it, and I had a feeling you would need it from what you said in the phone."
"Thanks. It uh, it does help." Amelia says solemnly, and I'm still not convinced she is totally okay.
"I also bought cookie dough Ben and Jerry's, and a box of tissues. I really didn't mean to hurt you by leaving. I just, I needed time to process, and cry so I could come back and be strong for you. I'm ready to hear whatever you have to say, I'm not going to walk out, I promise." Addison says to Amelia, and for the first time I see the loving sister bond that my girlfriend had told me so much about. Watching the interaction make my heart swell a little, a warm fuzzy feeling taking over my body. I love her so much.
"Az, I actually don't think I need you here… If that's okay."
"Of course. I'm proud of you."
I place my hands on Amelia's cheeks, cupping her face and plant a light kiss on her forehead. "I love you, I'm going to be in our bedroom if you need anything okay?"
"I love you too. Thank you Arizona."
I get up from the couch once Arizona has left and head through to the kitchen, coming back with two spoons.
"You said you had ice cream?" I ask sitting down next to my sister. She reaches into her bag to get the carton of ice cream, opening the cap and passing me the desert. She places an arm over my shoulder, pulling me into her side and I lean into her embrace. I don't feel as relaxed as I do with Arizona, but I know that I am safe. It's a different type of comfort.
"I guess I owe you an explanation huh." I offer between spoonfuls.
"You don't owe me anything Amelia." Addison says kindly but I shake my head.
"I invited you here to tell you about it, so yeah, I do. I guess I'll start at the beginning and erm, you can tell me if you want to stop, or if you have any questions, I'll try to answer." I feel Addison take a deep breath beside me and I turn for a moment to look at her." Before I start, I have a history of panic attacks, and they get pretty bad so erm, if it happens, could you just get Arizona? It's not that I don't trust you, I do but she just knows how to help in the moment I guess."
"Of course."
My thoughts run back to the night it all started and I feel tears well in my eyes but I push them back. I need to stay strong.
"I was 16, it was just before summer and there was a huge party. I decided to go even though I hated all those people, I wanted to show that their words didn't hurt even though they really did. I just wanted to fit in for one night so I got dressed up, stole Nancy's make up and I went to the party. I hadn't been there too long when somebody gave me a drink, some off brand cola or something and I thought nothing of it at first, not until I started feeling dizzy and nauseous. I tried calling Derek but he didn't answer so I decided to walk home. By the time I realised the drink was spiked, it was too late. Some guy grabbed me by the arm halfway home and I tried to run but I was too dizzy, I couldn't work out how to move my legs. The next thing I know I'm pinned down in a dark alley behind a library. I uh, I don't know how much detail I should go into here?" I pause to look at Addison who is clearly fighting back tears.
"I'm sorry, I said I would be strong for you. You can tell me whatever you want. I'm not leaving." She says wiping the tears that have been welling up, preventing them from falling. I grab the box of tissues that she had bought and pass one over.
"You're allowed to have feelings. I know you're trying to be strong but that doesn't mean you can't get upset. A shitty thing happened. I get it."
"Yeah, but it's worse for you. I'm just glad you feel safe enough to share this stuff. So if you want to get into the details, that's up to you, if not, I understand that too."
"Okay, I guess. I tried to fight, I kept trying but he wouldn't let me go. I tried begging him not to hurt me but that didn't work either. At first he just grabbed a lot, tearing my clothes and stuff. He tried to kiss me but I didn't let him, he gave up and moved his mouth down my neck where I couldn't stop him. I was wearing a skirt which made it easier for him and he uh, he had a knife, he used it to remove my panties. I was terrified, I thought he was going to rape me there and then and my muscles were getting tired. He used his fingers first, I'd never been in that situation and there was a lot of blood. That's when I started screaming but he shoved something in my mouth to make me shut up. When I wouldn't stop moving he taped my hands together so he could hold them down with just one arm and he pushed himself into me. I wouldn't stop crying so he held the knife to my throat with his other hand and told me if I didn't stop he would kill me. I think I passed out after that, I'm kinda glad I did. The last thing I remember is him calling me a good girl." I admit and I suddenly feel sick at the thought of his voice. I run to the bathroom and Addison is close behind me, stroking my hair out of my face while I empty the ice cream from my stomach. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's not your fault." She replies kindly, passing me some tissue to wipe around my mouth. "You want a glass of water?"
"Can we just wait here a minute?"
"Sure" I shuffle my body towards the wall, sitting back with Addison beside me.
I feel like crap. I'm a mess both physically and emotionally but I haven't had a panic attack which I guess is a plus. Addison has stayed by my side, letting me rest my head on her shoulder.
"I saw the drawing in your bedroom. It's yours right?" Addison brings up, totally changing the topic.
"I drew it for Sofia to color in. How'd you know?"
"I'd notice your style from a mile away. I remember a time I'd be the first person you would show your drawings to. I didn't realise you kept it up."
"I don't really. I mean I do, but not publicly, it's how I process." I explain simply, not getting into the details.
"It's good. For what it's worth I'm glad you didn't give it up, your art it amazing, even if nobody gets to see it." Addison says, no pressure being put on me to show her any of my work, just an understanding. It doesn't bother me having her see the drawing like it did with Arizona. Maybe I'm getting better, or maybe it's because she already knew I could draw. Either way I'm glad.
"We should probably get up from the floor." I say with a shrug causing Addison to let out a small laugh.
"That sounds good."
On the way back to the living room I get myself a glass of water before joining Addison on the couch.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I can't begin to think what you went through."
"And I never want you to. I just needed you to know. But I'm not finished, there is more to the story."
"Okay." Addie responds, sounding a little shocked that there is more but awaiting the conversations return.
"Can I have your hand?" I ask, not realising how strange the request would sound to somebody who isn't Arizona or myself. Addison gives me a questioning gaze but moves her hand towards me.
"It's a thing I do, it helps keep my hands busy, stops the cravings a little. I'm sorry if it's weird." I explain and I begin to mould her hand, just like I would with Arizona.
"It's not that weird. You used to do this when you were little, after your dad died. Not for long, maybe for about 6 months after his death you would do this all day with me and Derek."
"I don't remember that, but it does help."
"You said it stops the cravings? For drugs?"
I shake my head, not wanting to lie to her but not enjoying the situation either. "No, I meant the other cravings." I say as I glance to my legs. It takes Addison a moment to realise what I was referring to and she immediately looks guilty for bringing up the topic. "It's okay. You didn't know."
"Still, I'm sorry."
"Can we just make a deal to stop apologising please? It makes me feel weird. We can't control each others thoughts and emotions." I say and she nods.
"No more apologies, got it."
"When I woke up he was gone, it was only then that I realised the true extent of what had happened. I rushed home so I could shower and look somewhat normal when my mom woke up. It worked for the most part, she asked why I was limping and I said I twisted my ankle. She didn't ask any follow ups so I guess she believed me. You actually offered me a ride to school that morning but I said no, that I would walk, and instead of going to school I went to the hospital. I got treated anonymously, and paid using my college savings. They wanted to do a rape kit but I said no, I didn't intend on taking it to court. I just wanted to get checked out and go home. I had quite a few stitches, it was awful and I got x-rays done. My ankle was fine, just a sprain but I had several broken ribs. The doctor said there was no evidence of fluids so he most likely used a condom so no use for morning after pill or HIV preventatives. He just wrote a prescription for painkillers." Addison looks at me knowingly and I nod my head. "Yeah, that was my first time with the oxy. I guess you know the story after that."
"Yeah. I do. So you didn't tell anyone else?"
"Just the doctors, then Arizona, and now you."
"Why?" Addison asks sadly.
"My mom worked two jobs just to afford food, I didn't want to give her anything else to worry about. And I couldn't tell Derek, he would have killed the guy, and I needed him, he kept me sane. I realised the drugs helped me forget and one thing lead to another and then it was too late. By the time I got clean I figured that cutting had a similar effect, and it was easier to hide. As time went on it just became harder to talk about."
"I love you, y'know that right?" Addison says pulling me in for a hug.
"I know. I love you too."
I know this was a deep chapter so if you need to talk I'm here :)
Also I uploaded a mini amezona one shot the other day so give it a read if you're interested. It's called 'The Past Hurts'.
Reviews always appreciated!