A sudden burst of noise flashes through the air and onto my ears waking me from the semi peaceful slumber I had eventually entered. My heart is racing, the adrenaline flows through my veins preparing for me to run but I can't seem to move my legs. I roll to the edge of the bed and slide myself down to sit on the floor trying to control my breathing. Logically I know that the sound was just a firework, probably being set of by stupid teenagers but everytime my body responds just like it did when my dad was killed. The noise is remarkably similar, it's terrifying. I try to think back to the day Derek helped me set off fireworks to help me stop being scared of the noise. It worked for the most part, I'm normally fine when it's new years or thanksgiving because I'm prepared for the noise, but when it's unexpected I have no control. My body is still shaking. "Don't be scared Amy, you know what this is." I mumble to myself. "You heard a noise your brain has been conditioned to be scared of. This triggered the activation of your limbic system, your Amygdala is overactivated, it's sending a message to your adrenal glands and medulla oblongata to release adrenaline toward the adreno receptors in your sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system causes autonomic responses and as a result causes the following changes: increased heart rate, increase blood flow to muscles, increased breathing rate. Your body is preparing for fight or flight but you can override it." I tell myself, drawing the words from deep within my memory. "Count upwards in 13s: 13, 26, 39, 52, 65, 78, 91, 104, 117, 130." I say quietly out loud, feeling my body become calmer by the second, gradually coming back to reality.
"Amelia, you okay?" I hear Arizona ask and I nod my head, not taking in order to keep my breathing regulated until I'm completely calm. "Can I join you?" she continues and I nod again.
"Sorry I woke you. I'm okay now, I promise." I reply when I'm finally confident the panic has subsided.
"What happened?"
"Some idiots set off fireworks, I just wasn't ready, it was unexpected." Arizona looks at me awaiting a further explanation. "Did you know how similar fireworks sound to a gunshot?" I ramble and I see Arizona realise the connection I had drawn. "After my dad was killed I was terrified of them. Derek helped me set a load off in our yard, the idea was that I could get used to them, not be scared anymore."
"And it didn't work?"Arizona presumes.
"No, it did, most of the time I'm fine, its just when I don't expect them coming."
"You handled it really well, I'm proud of you. How come you've never done that before?"
"Derek taught me. Years passed and every now and then this would happen. He taught me what was happening in my body so I knew I shouldn't be scared of it. Now I know it all myself anyway, in way more detail than that but I always repeat it just like Derek did. It works better."
"Have you tried doing that after a nightmare?" My girlfriend asks me and I nod.
"Doesn't work. I think it's because I know logically a firework isn't a gunshot, but the nightmares, that actually happened. And the brain systems are different, it doesn't make sense. I don't know, it's probably stupid but it doesn't work." I try to explain, my words stumbling out.
"Amelia, you are a kick ass neurosurgeon, I'm pretty sure you know what happens with brain mechanisms during a nightmare, and if you don't, you could find out pretty easily. We could make another one of those things, I don't know what to call it."
"You're going to laugh if I tell you."
"What?"
"The name of the 'thing' as you referred to it as, just remember that I was only young when Derek made this up." I say, fighting my cause before coming clean. "The Amy Brain Train. Because the train has to stop off at all the brain areas." I explain and a big grin appears on Arizona's face, I can see her trying to fight back the laughter. "I know it's stupid, I should think of something better." I converse and Arizona shakes her head.
"Don't you dare change the name of the Amy Brain Train. It's cringy, and cheesy and it's perfect. I think the Brain train just needs some new tracks so it can go to the other areas too." Arizona reasons and I feel myself blushing. I'm not sure why talking about this embarrasses me so much, it's a much better solution than cutting, sure it seems kind of childish but it works. I know Arizona is only trying to help, and it's cute that she thinks of these things that could help me, but I'm not sure it's something I want to try. I know it would be easy, I have the knowledge to do it, but it's not the same. The main reason this works so well is that it's
Derek's voice, it's his words coming through me. I don't think it would work the same without his input. Maybe I'm just overthinking this, but it feels wrong.
"I don't know, maybe." I respond, dropping the topic for the night. Arizona clearly understands my wanting to change the topic.
I make my way back up to sit on the bed, taking a sip of water from the bottle on my bedside table.
"I love you y'know, so much." I tell Arizona as I climb back under the blankets, feeling a little self conscious about the dressings on my legs being on display.
"I know. I love you too, just incase you forgot." Arizona jokes with a slight grin on her tired face.
"It's weird how easy it's become for me to say that. I love you. 4 months ago the thought of even saying that aloud terrified me to the point of having panic attacks in hospital storage cupboards, and now it's like I'm a totally different person."
"Are you okay with that? I mean I know you love me, but things have changed pretty quickly."
"Yeah, it's scary. Sometimes I miss being able to hold all my emotions in, lying to myself was easier than facing my problems. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I have you now, and it is harder sometimes, but it's worth it." I reassure, not wanting Arizona to think I didn't treasure our relationship, because I do, possibly more than anything else in the world.
"For what it's worth, I know it's been tough, but you actually seem happier now you've started being honest with yourself."
"You're biased, you make me happy so you see more happy times than other people."
"But I also see more sad, and that's okay. It's not really what I meant. Before we got together, and even for a bit after, whenever I saw you around the hospital you were on your own, or just not really engaging in conversations. Now I see you smiling as you walk around the hospital, even when you don't realise I'm there. You just smile more often, even if you don't realise it."
"After Callie and I broke up, I became more aware of the people around me, I spent time watching and learning about people, trying to figure out who I was without her. I noticed that you always seemed to be zoned out, hiding from the world. Sure you put on a smile for patients but on your own, you just looked sad. The only exception was when you're in an OR. Whenever you are operating you go to a different place, a happier place. It's almost like you're a different person, it's inspiring. Your whole face lights up, and it's like somebody has lit the light inside you, you're suddenly confident and everything you do developed a meaning. I used to watch your surgeries whenever I had spare time, or during my lunch breaks. I think that's when I developed feelings for you, but you hardly noticed I existed, so I just let it be."
"If I didn't love you, and know how kind and caring your are, I would definitely have put a restraining order out by now. That's creepy, but also kinda cute. I never realised how big the difference was. I guess it makes sense, surgery is my happy place, but I didn't realise everybody else could see that too. "
"I don't know if they did, it wasn't that obvious, but I did, I noticed."
Curled back up in bed with my girlfriends arms wrapped around me, I break the silence.
"Az, I've been thinking, with tomorrow being a stressful day, and anticipating the emotions, I was thinking we could go to the zoo again? Take Addie and Sof? I'm hoping it'll help distract me. I don't have any secret giraffe feeding activities planned but it still seems like a good distraction. At least it's the best I could come up with."
"Sure, if you're feeling up to it. Let's just wait until tomorrow morning before we tell Sof, just incase you change your mind okay? A quiet day is still on the table." Arizona explains and I can see the sincerity in her eyes.
"Yeah, okay…" I start but my words trails to an end, I'm unable to finish my sentences.
"You want to stay awake for a bit?" She offers and I nod my head, grateful that she can read my thoughts but slightly frustrated with myself for keeping her awake when she is clearly tired.
"I'll be okay y'know, if you go back to sleep. I'm not going to do anything stupid." I ensure, secretly hoping that she will stay up with me but knowing I have to give her the choice.
"I know. Its okay, I'm not going back to sleep until you're ready to okay? We don't have much on tomorrow, so it'll probably just be a chill day and then we can work Saturday out when we get there." Arizona explains and we just lay quietly, enjoying each others company.
"Arizona, are you still awake?" I ask a small while later and I feel her shift her body behind me.
"Yeah. What's up?"
"I need to tell you about what happens." I say quietly, getting ready for the memories to come back.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know why, like I know it's just another day, but on the anniversary, everything somehow feels more real, and I can't predict how I'm going to respond"
"That's okay, I don't expect anything from you."
"I know, I just- I'm normally really jumpy, and definitely no good with contact. Everyone's hands turn into his and I might freak out, I probably will freak out. I know the cravings are going to be bad, and I know I might turn into a bit of a bitch, but I need you to promise you won't leave me. I'm trying my best to plan in advance, but I know I can't control all the feelings. I just need you to stay, I don't trust myself okay, and I don't want to hurt you."
"I won't leave. I promise. Everything will be okay. Can I be honest with you?"
"Are you always?"
"You know what I meant. Just, I think you should give Addison a bit of warning, or I can if you're not feeling up to it. Just, if you're going to be as jumpy as you say, giving her a warning is the right thing to do."
"I know, I'm just not sure how."
"You don't have to worry about it right now. It's just something to be considering."
I nod my head briefly shifting my body closer to my girlfriends, resting my head in the crook of her neck.
"I'm sorry for being such a mess."
"You're perfect Amelia, a mess or not. Your my mess and I'm so proud of you and I love you so much." Arizona tells me before being interrupted by a yawn. I place an arm around her waist to keep her close as I feel tears welling up in my eyes.
"I love you too. Let's get some sleep, you're tired." I suggest and she doesn't even try to fight. I know I'm going to be up for a while longer, but I feel safe in her arms, whether she is awake or asleep. Her body was obviously in need of rest so I lay awake, safe and secure in her embrace.
"Thank you Zona." I whisper once she is asleep.
"Three, two, one, go!" Sofia yells, clicking the start button on the stopwatch. I'm not sure how we got here but Addison, Arizona and myself are suturing oranges back together, just like how we learned in med school. Sure the type of fruit would vary, sometimes a peach, sometimes a grape or an unripe banana, but it's the same idea. Sofia is the judge of both the speed and accuracy, the winner will have final word on tonight's dinner options and gets bragging rights for the evening. Suturing has always been my strong suit, when I was at Hopkins, the head of plastic surgery actually wanted me to specialise with her, but neuro was my calling. Despite specialising in neuro, my sutures have always been A standard and I'll be damned if that changes today. I keep my hands steady and my stitches aligned, working through them one by one.
"Stop!" Sofia shouts when the two minutes up and we all drop the fruit, carefully removing the needle so they're safe for Sofia to handle.
As soon as the task is done, laughter fills the room.
"I haven't done that since before Hopkins, but I've got to say, I've still got it." I announce with a confident shrug of the shoulders but Arizona's laughing stops.
"Wait you went to Hopkins?"
"Yeah… why? Is that really so surprising?" I ask, not sure what is going on.
"I did my residency at Hopkins. I can't believe I didn't know who you were before now? I mean I know I'm older than you but we should have still had a year where we overlapped right?" Arizona rambles, questioning her memories of a past time.
"We probably did, but Hopkins is a big hospital, you surely couldn't have remembered everybody, plus I just stayed out of the way, did my own thing. It's not that surprising, I'm just me." I state, trying to make her feel a little less selfish in this situation. Sure I knew who she was, but we never actually spoke so it shouldn't matter.
"Amelia, this may come as a surprise, but I was basically the hospital…" Arizona begins but then looks to Sofia realising she can't finish her sentence. "I had lots of lady friends, and you're like, super pretty so yeah, it's surprising that I didn't notice you." My girlfriend continues her rambling barely looking away from me as she speaks.
"Seriously, that's why you're so concerned. I was nothing back then, like most interns and first year residents. Anyways, if you knew who I was this wouldn't be as special now right?" I say as I reach out my hand for her to hold.
"Mom, stop crying, It's time to judge the oranges!"
"She's right babe. Stop getting all soppy, I'm about to beat you in this competition and I can't rub it in if you're sad." I joke which gets a smug smile.
"Hmm, I think I did some pretty good stitches though" Arizona retorts and then I hear a cough from behind me and turn to look at Addison.
"Well, I have the most experience with my extra years practicing so I think I may have a bigger chance than any of you. Judge, what do you think?" Addie asks Sofia and we all turn to await judgement. She studied each piece of fruit meticulously, taking everything into consideration before making her decision.
"Melia Wins! She did snazzy stitches and they're a perfect line."
"Hmm, nobody said we could use snazzy stitches, I think that's cheating." Arizona responds.
"I think I win anyway, because I taught Amelia how to do Mattress sutures. I deserve credit." Addie argues.
"If I remember correctly, you tried to teach me but your mattress sutures were terrible so Mark took over." I reply sarcastically.
"I still think I win."
"Nope. Melia wins." Sofia reinforces and in grin, pulling her in for a hug. "Did my dad really teach you how to do that?"
"Yep. If your dad was here, he would definitely have won, he was the best at these. I have an idea, as your reward for choosing me, how about we choose food together. What do you think little miss?" I ask Sofia which gets a big grin. "Do we want take out, home cooked or go to a restaurant?"
"Can we go out? She asks with big eyes, excited at the sudden change of plans."
"Sure monkey, what type of food do you want? But no pizza, we had that a few days ago."
"Can we go the place near the swimming pool that has all the foods?" She asks and I look to Arizona for guidance.
"It's a continental buffet, it has bits of everything, we haven't been there in a few years but it used to be good." Arizona clarifies.
"Sounds good then. We still have a few hours before that though right?"
"Yeah. I was actually thinking of going to get some groceries, you want me to take Sof?"
"Sure. Could you get more tampons while you're out please? I'm running low."
Got it. Sof baby, let's go to the store okay?"
With Arizona and Sofia gone, I take my chance in telling Addison about tomorrow. I take a few deep breaths before moving to sit down by her side.
"What are you thinking about?"
"So erm, I'm going to tell you something, and we aren't going to make a deal out of it, and we aren't going to cry or be in shock or anything like that okay? " I state knowing it's going to be tough but if I can just say the words and not dwell on it, hopefully it won't be too bad.
"Okay. What's going on Amelia?"
"So tomorrow is the anniversary of my attack and I know logically it's just another day but for some reason I get real jumpy and just over emotional on the anniversary. I'm hoping this year will be different because I have people around me and I've always had this day alone before but I honestly don't know so if you could just give me notice if you're going to touch me because I don't want to freak out and upset you, or Sofia. And I've asked Arizona not to leave me alone but I know with Sofia and stuff she can't be there every second so if you could just be there just incase I would really appreciate it. I really hope this year is going to be different but I just don't know and that scares me."
"I'm sorry. I said I wouldn't cry." Addie says wiping a few tears from her eyes before they manage to fall. "I'm just so proud of you is all."
"Proud about what?" I question with a grimace, cringing at her face.
"You have always struggled to ask for help, but you just did it. You asked for help and I'm so proud. Can I have a hug now?" Addison asks opening up her arms for me to fall into.
"Y'know, opening up hurts, but I feel more like me than I've ever felt. Sure, I'm an emotional mess, but at least I'm me. I don't have to live a lie anymore." I admit with a sad smile.
"And I love the real you, I don't ever want you to change okay? Promise me you'll never change."
"I'll try."