Okay so this chapter took me so long to write because I wanted it to be perfect. I needed to make sure I captured the characters in a way that continued how they have been throughout this series which for some reason was a lot harder for this chapter.

Also its officially monday here (it's 1am currently) which means my exam week at university has officially begun so this will be the last update until Friday at the earliest.

Okay, I'm finished, enjoy the chapter.

Amelia POV

I've been awake since around 3 am. I woke from a nightmare, it was nothing too bad but I can't shake the feeling they're going to get worse if I go back to sleep. I carefully climb out of bed, putting on some pyjamas quietly as to avoid waking my girlfriend. I'm okay, I'm safe, so she doesn't need to be awake with me. I pick up the backpack I keep by my bed with my art supplies and make my way to the living room. I take out my most recent sketch book, and I draw, everything any anything on my mind. I take this time to help process my emotions and fear and love and I put it on paper. It keeps me sane.

I don't realise how long I've been drawing until I hear movement behind me.

"Melia who is that?" Sofia asks pointing at the page but I snap the book closed, annoyed with myself for not hearing her enter earlier.

"Nobody. It's private." I tell Sofia, taking a deep breath and realising what had just happened.

"But Melia, who was he?" Sofia asks reaching for the book on my lap but I grip it tightly as to not let her take it.

"Sofia I said no." I say harshly. "You don't ever look in these books okay? Not ever." I continue and I see her eyes fill up with tears as she runs towards Arizona who is still in bed. I try to call after her but my vocal chords fail to work.

I pull my knees up to my chest, holding my legs tight against me. I can't believe I just lashed out at Sofia like that. The guilt in the pit of my stomach surfaces and I let the tears fall down my cheeks. I can feel my body quiver, and I wasn't nothing more than to have Arizona by my side, but I know she has to talk to Sofia first, Sofia always comes first, and that's the way it should be.

"Amelia?" I hear a voice say, but it's not who I expected to be here. "Arizona let me in, she said something happened with you and Sofia. Are you okay?" Addison asks and I shake my head.

"No. I upset Sofia, I didn't mean to, you have to believe me." I stutter and I hear Addison take a deep breath.

"Hey, I know that." She says sitting down next to me. "Do you want the hoodie? It's just over there, I can grab it for you." She offers but I shake my head and reach out to take her hand.

"Just stay, please."

"Do you want a hug?" Addie offers but I shake my head again. I want drugs, but I know that's not an option. "Okay, then deep breaths, you're going to be okay. This is all going to get sorted out. I love you, you're okay." Addison whispers quietly as I calm myself down. I knew today was going to be hard, I knew that I would maybe lose it at Arizona, or Addie, but I never thought I would get upset with Sofia like that. I want so much for Sofia to like me, for her to enjoy spending time with me, and I could have just ruined the relationship we spent so long building.

"Amelia, Sofia has something to say to you." I hear Arizona say from behind me and I wipe my eyes to make myself just a little bit more presentable for Sofia.

"I'm sorry Amelia." the young girl begins, using my full name rather than just Melia like normal. "I know when you say private that means I shouldn't ask more questions and I shouldn't have tried to ask again. I didn't want to make you sad." She continues, sticking by Arizona's side.

"I know." I say, holding my arms out for her, and she soon comes into my embrace. "I didn't mean to make you sad either."

When we have calmed down a little, and Arizona has brought Addison and myself some coffee, I take Sofia's hand in my own.

"Sofia, do you remember when you asked your mom why I had some cuts on my legs?" I ask carefully and I see Arizona's head flick quickly towards us, "And then you asked if somebody had hurt me." I finish and Sofia nods her head indicating she does.

"Mom said they did, but we make you feel safe." She replies simply and I nod my head holding back tears.

"That's right. The drawing you saw this morning was of the man who hurt me, that's why I got mad. I didn't want you to see that."

"Does he make you mad because he scares you?"

"Yeah, he does. That's why I don't like talking about him." I tell her, making sure to answer her question but not adding unnecessary details.

"Will a cuddle from Mom help?" Sofia asks looking into my eyes.

"Y'know Sof, your Mom gives excellent cuddles, but yours are just as good at making me happy."

"Really?!" She wonders, her eyes open wide.

"Definitely."

After a while, Arizona sends Sofia to get washed and dressed, taking her seat beside me. I immediately wrap my arms around her, letting my tears flow once more.

"You have no idea how much I needed this." I say referring to the hug.

"Hey, I thought you said Sofia's hugs were just as good?!" Arizona says, faking offense at the comment.

"It was what Sofia needed to hear. I'm sorry I got mad at her, and I hope what I said was okay? I probably should have checked that with you first."

"Hey it's fine. You had every right to get upset with her, she invaded your privacy." Arizona justifies and I see her eyes looking towards the sketchbook that I know had perched on the coffee table.

"You can look at it if you want. It's not exactly a secret anymore." I say, passing her the book and opening it to the page. I close my arms so I can't see her reaction but I stay in her arms.

"Amelia, you do realise this would be more than enough to give to the police if you wanted to."

"I don't. Most likely situation is I find out they haven't caught him, and if they have I'd have to identify him again, then with the issue of statute of limitations, I just can't. I don't want to go through that."

"That's okay. That's your choice." Arizona says, rubbing soft circles on my back.

"Can we still go out today? I think a distraction would be the best coping method today." I ask, attempting to change the topic, but also genuinely wanting to know the answer.

"If you want to, but we still have a little over an hour. We can just chill for a bit. Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"No, but I'm going to try."

We decide to go to the zoo as planned, something Sofia is over the moon about. She seems happy in herself, almost as though the events of this morning have been totally wiped from her memory. I am still upset with myself though. Even though I know Sofia is okay and Arizona didn't get mad, I'm annoyed with myself for lashing out. I don't last out, especially not with kids.

Since this morning, as promised either Arizona or Addison has been by my side every step of the day, not letting me be alone. I'm so grateful for both of them being here but something just doesn't feel right. I'm tired and just trying not to think about him, the one thought that keeps trying to invade my mind.

Arizona and Sofia have disappeared to find a bathroom leaving myself and Addison just wandering around while we wait.

"Amelia, you okay?" Addison asks, interlinking her arm with mine.

"I feel like I messed everything up with Sofia this morning. I shouldn't have been mad at her like that, I just want her to like me"

"What do you mean? Of course Sofia likes you."

"I know everything seems fine now but it's not. I'm not her Mom, and she always comes first for Arizona so we need to get along, I don't think I could survive without Az and I'm not ready to find out."

"Amelia, you're spiraling. You're not going to have to leave Arizona because Sofia loves you. She may not call you mom, but you're definitely a mother figure to that girl. She looks up to you."

"But I made her cry, I didn't want to do that."

"Last week Henry cried because I sent him to his room for doing something I asked him not to. He still knows I love him."

"Yeah, but you've had Henry since he was born, I've known Sofia for a year, barely. I'm not a Mom, I'm not ready for that."

"Amelia, I hate to tell you this, but you're already a mom, and an amazing one at that. Don't let your thoughts tell you otherwise, you're perfect." Addie tells me and I wipe my eyes with the ends of my sleeves.

"I hate it when you're right."

"Melia look who we found" Sofia yells running towards Addison and myself so I put a smile on my face and look up, scanning the area to understand what she was talking about. It doesn't take me long for my eyes to land on Arizona who is talking to Joyce, making their way in our direction.

"You okay?" Arizona asks, placing a hand gently on my arm and I give a slight nod.

"Hi Amelia, how are you doing?" Joyce asks me and I keep my fake smile on for Sofia's sake.

"Tough day, but I'm here and I'm sober."

"I'm glad." Joyce replies and Addie coughs quietly beside me.

"Oh right, Addie this is my friend Joyce, Joyce this is my sister Addison, she is here visiting from LA." I say as they reach to shake hands.

"Nice to meet you."

"You too. Amelia said you helped her get clean in LA, she's lucky to have you." Joyce tells Addison and she looks to me with a smile.

"I would do anything for Amelia." Addison tells Joyce but Sofia interrupts the moment by tugging on Addies arm.

"Joyce let me and Zola feed the Giraffes for my birthday" Sofia announces, the memory still fresh in her mind.

"No way? That sounds awesome, do you have any photos?" Addison asks Sofia giving me a slight smile. I know Addie had already seen the photos, I sent her them last year but Sofia doesn't know that. She goes over every detail with Arizona's help to use her phone, making sure my sister gets to see the images. While Sofia is busy I take the moment to talk to talk with my friend. It's nice having somebody who understands the cravings just a little.

"So how bad is the tough day?" Joyce asks placing her hand gently on my arm. I flinch a little but accept the support she offers.

"It's bad, but I have Arizona and Addison, I'll be okay. We came out here for a distraction I guess, and it keeps Sofia happy."

"Is there anything I can do?" She asks with a sad smile.

"No, I think I'll be okay. Thank you though." I appreciate the offer, really I do, but right now I don't want to talk about feelings, I want to forget it all. I want to lay in my girlfriend's arms and not be scared the nightmares are going to steal me from her. I want to be normal.

When Sofia has finished telling Addison all about the giraffes, Joyce and I were just finishing up our conversation.

"Okay, well I have to get off, y'know, keep working. Amelia, will I see you tonight?" Joyce asks me before leaving.

"I'll be there."

"You have plans tonight?" Addison questions with a raised eyebrow.

"AA." I state without much of an explanation.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked." Addison worries and I shake my head. I'm not sure why she is apologising, AA is a part of me. It's a good thing that I'm going. Sure I don't advertise my struggles with addiction, but it's not like I hide it either.

"It's fine, it's not like it's a secret."

"Melia what's AA?" Sofia perks up and I realise I'd forgotten she was here. Arizona looks at me as though to say 'It's okay, you don't have to answer' but I shake my head.

"Some people, like me, have a problem that means we have to try a little bit harder than others to stay healthy. AA is a special meeting I go to so I can stay healthy and spend lots of time with you and your Mom." I explain simply and Sofia just nods. "I'm telling you this because you're a big girl now okay Sof? But this is a private thing so not something to be telling your friends about, if you have questions you can ask me or your Mom."

"I understand. Is it fun?" She asks, eyebrows furrowed in thought.

"I don't think fun is the right word, it's like a big group doctors appointment where you talk about your life, and sometimes it's sad. But sometimes there is cake at the end if I'm lucky."

"Is it good cake?"

"Not really. I'm pretty sure we could make better cake at home." I laugh but Sofia's eyes go big and wide.

"Can we make cake tonight mom?" Sofia asks turning to look at Arizona.

"Hun, you know I'm terrible at baking." Arizona explains and Sofia nods with a grin. I'm going to have to remember to find out the story behind that.

"If I remember correctly," Addison interrupts and we all look towards her. "Amelia used to make the best chocolate fudge cake."

"I haven't made that cake in a long time." I tell Addison but she just smiles.

"But you still remember the recipe, don't you?"

"Okay, you win, I'll make cake. Sofia will you help me?"

"Yeah! We can make the best cake in the galaxy!"

"Well, I don't know about that, but we could try."

When we have seen all the animals, a loudspeaker announcement comes on over the zoo. I can't remember what it was for but the sudden noise made me flinch. Addison is looking at the meerkats with Sofia, but Arizona noticed the movement. I cling to her arm, trying to keep myself collected in this public space but it doesn't work. Arizona takes her arms and wraps them around my torso, startling me a bit at first, but eventually calming me down. I'm too tired to fight.

"Just breath. You're okay." Arizona whispers but I know I'm not. A hug alone isn't going to help a panic attack of this severity, I can feel it building.

"Az I need somewhere quiet. " I stutter, "Please." She takes my hand, knowing Sofia is safe with my sister makes this much easier. My vision is becoming blurry from the panic and just when I feel it's getting too much Arizona sits me down in what looks to be a disabled bathroom.

"You're safe here okay, it's just you and me. We are safe. You can panic and cry here as much as you need, as long as you know we are safe. Can I hold you?" She asks caringly and I nod giving her permission. Almost immediately I feel her body sheltering my own, her arms embracing me as she constantly reassures me it will be okay. I can feel my skin crawling and my breaths getting faster by the moment. I clench my fists, pressing them down against my thighs and let the emotions I'm feeling take over.

As the panic attack begins to subside I realise how long we have been in the bathroom.

"We shouldn't stay in here, what if someone needs the disabled bathroom, I don't really have an excuse to be here." I tell Arizona, not truly feeling

"Amy, I'm a one legged woman, for all anybody else knows I need help to use the bathroom, you can stay here until your comfortable enough to leave." Arizona says lightly and I realise what I had said.

"Oh shit. I forgot about your leg. Is that bad?" I ask, absurdity of the question actually distracting me from the fear I was feeling a few moments earlier.

"No, I think that's actually a good thing." Arizona responds beginning to laugh. "I'm sorry, it's not that funny, I mean it is, but not because I'm laughing at you. I'm sorry, you're what's important right now."

"No, tell me. The distraction was helping. Tell me what's funny." I ask Arizona, keeping my breathing as slow as possible, not wanting to reenter the panicked state.

"I was thinking about the first time I forgot I didn't have a leg. For the first few months after it was removed, it was the only thing I thought about. But then one night Sofia woke up and I climbed out of bed to make sure she was okay and totally forgot my leg was gone. I tried to walk and fell flat on my face. Callie was so panicked, but I just laughed it off. It hurt, but I pretended it was nothing. Looking back now it is kinda funny, forgetting you have an amputated limb."

"You laughed to hide your pain. It's a coping mechanism, probably not the best way to deal with the loss of a limb."

"Look at you all smart. Since when were you the psychology expert?"

"I've been using that exact technique for the last 20 years. You know what they say, practice makes perfect."

"Amelia that is like super dark, you know that right?"

"Yeah, but it's true. Can Sofia stay at Mer's tonight?" I ask Arizona wearily and I can see her sense the anxiety in my tone.

"I can ask but it is last minute, she might have plans." Arizona responds and before I have a chance to fully process what she was saying, my response flows from my lips.

"It's okay. I'll talk to Mer, tell her why."

Arizona POV

Amelia hasn't said much more on the topic of talking to Meredith, I'm honestly not sure if she even realised she said she would. She hasn't spoken much for the rest of the afternoon, she has just stayed by my side. We are currently on the way back home and she is in her own world, not paying attention to anything else that happens in the car, it's somewhat similar to how she was when I first found her at the bus stop last year. I'm worried about her, I know when she gets this quiet that it's going to be a bad night, I'm scared she will do something stupid, and I hate to admit that.

When we pull up at the apartment block I give Addison my keys so her and Sofia can head upstairs while I have a talk with Amelia.

"Amelia, can you look at me?" I ask but she doesn't move from her position. "Amy, sweetie, it's going to be okay. I love you." I elaborate and she hesitantly turns herself toward me.

"I'm sorry. I love you too."

"You don't need to apologise to me. You're you, and I wouldn't change that for the world. I just need to know what's happening tonight, how are we doing this? Are you going to talk to Meredith or do I need to? And what is happening with Addison?"

"I don't know. When I said I would talk to Meredith, I meant it but I don't know how much to say. I'm not ready for her to know everything, but I don't want Sofia around tonight, I know it's going to be a bad night and I don't want to subject her to that." Amelia says shakily and I wrap my arms around her, but she is still tense, so I pull back, instead just cupping her face in my hands to look into her eyes.

"Okay, you're okay. You don't have to tell Meredith anything you're not ready for. I can ask her to take Sofia if you want." I offer, wanting to comfort her as much as possible but unsure as to which is the best way to do it. "I'm going to call Meredith, and you can come with me to drop Sofia off, then it's up to you what you tell her. That okay with you?"

"That sounds pretty perfect. Thank you. Could we just have a few moments here first though?"

"Sure. Come here."

Meredith quickly accepted the request for her to look after Sofia for us, with it being a weekend there were no concerns with school. Amelia and I have made our way inside and told Sofia about the sleepover we have planned. She immediately ran to pack a bag, excited to go and see her best friend. Addison has offered to make dinner, some special stir fry that Amelia used to love. Normally I would say no to a guess who offered to cook, but Addison has slotted in so well, and I want to be able to focus my attention on Amelia and her well being. I'm genuinely confused as to the best way to help her, I'm unsure as to what is happening in her mind. I feel like she is on the edge of a breakdown, but somehow holding herself together when she shouldn't be able to. It's potentially more scary like this, it's the unknown, and I know however scared I am, she is probably going through more but still, it's tough.

I can tell Addison is worried about Amelia, I am too. She isn't here, sure she is sat on the couch with me, but she isn't here emotionally. Her mind is elsewhere and I don't know how to bring her back to me.

"Amy, do you want to drop Sofia at Meredith's with me?" I offer and she nods, barely but the movement was there.

"I need to go to my meeting after if that's okay." She replies just as I am about to move.

"Of course that's okay. We're going to leave in about 10 minutes. Is that okay?"

"Yeah that's fine."

It doesn't take long to arrive at Meredith's and Sofia runs straight inside to see her friend, Arizona and myself standing awkwardly at the door.

"Do you want to come in?" Meredith asks and I look to Amelia for her to reply, I want this decision to come from her.

"Sure but we don't have long, I need to go to my meeting in 15 minutes." Amelia mumbles, gripping onto my hand a bit tighter, wordlessly telling me she doesn't want to be alone.

"Is everything okay?" Meredith follows up, noticing Amelia's clear discomfort. When Amelia doesn't reply I take over for her.

"Bad day, we thought some alone time might help." I say subtly, not wanting to raise any secrets Amelia isn't ready to talk about.

"I was raped." Amelia says taking myself and Meredith by surprise.

"Amelia, I don't know what to say." Meredith starts, clearly taken aback by the sudden change of topic..

"It was a long time ago so I'm normally okay but I'm having a bad day and I don't want Sofia to suffer." Amelia says, and I realise she must have practiced saying this. Her words are simple and precise and she doesn't once stutter.

"How come you never told me?"

"I am telling you, right now. I don't want to talk about it but that's why I needed you to watch Sofia."

"Okay. Is there anything I can do?" Meredith asks, placing a hand on Amelia's shoulder but she shrugs it off.

"Just don't tell anyone, please. It's not common knowledge."

I know I don't have the right to be, but I'm slightly annoyed at Amelia for bringing this up right now. I try to support her, and I want whatever she thinks is best, but this isn't fair to Meredith. She shouldn't just give her this information knowing she can't stay to discuss it. I know it's Amelia's life and that it's her body and her choice, but I can't help but feel responsible for causing Meredith more stress that I can do nothing to reduce. I try to keep my thoughts to myself as we leave and I drop Amelia off at her meeting, but she shouldn't be putting anybody in this situation, let alone her sister. I can't say anything tonight, I know she is too fragile, but tomorrow we are going to have to discuss this, arrange a time to sit down with Meredith and give her some answers, or even just apologise for dropping the bomb on her like that. I can't imagine how I would feel if that were me.

I take my phone out to check for messages, normally I would leave and come back to pick my girlfriend up but I promised I wouldn't leave her today, so instead I wait in the parking lot incase she needs me. Meredith has send me dozens of messages, trying to get in touch with Amelia.

Arizona I'm worried about Amelia. Tell her to call me. Please.

I'm not mad she didn't tell me. I just want to talk.

Please reply to me.

I think for a moment before typing a careful reply.

I'm sorry you found out this way. Amelia is currently at her AA meeting. I didn't know she planned to tell you like this. She is having a bad day today and I really don't think making her talk today would be a good idea. Addison goes back to LA tomorrow and then Amelia is at work, but afterward I'll talk to her. I'll try to get her to talk to you then, but I don't want to push her into anything she isn't comfortable with. I'll look after her, I promise. X

While Amelia was busy in her meeting, I let my tears fall. I let myself break down, knowing that I'll have to pull myself together for Amelia's sake. I'm so angry with her, but I love her so much. I can't stay mad with her,I just want to take her pain away. One person should not have this much pain trapped inside them, it's just not fair. I used to have faith, I used to believe in a god. I still want to, but I don't want to know any God who would put such a sweet, loving person through this hell. There is no excuse. Nothing. Amelia Shepherd deserves more.

Almost as though she could read my mind, my girlfriend appears at the passenger side door, opening it to enter the car. I don't try to initiate conversation, it's something I've learned over the time we have been dating. After a meeting she doesn't appreciate conversation, she normally wants to be alone with her thoughts. When she is ready to talk, I know she will come to me. Still, I always find myself hoping that will be sooner rather than later.

When we get back Addison has set the table and is plating up food for us. Amelia still hasn't said a word when we sit down for food. I hold my hand out by my side, offering her comfort and she accepts, holding her hand in my own. She doesn't eat much, instead she pushes food around her plate with her fork and takes tiny mouthfuls when she sees either of us watching. Addison offered to help sort the dishes but I politely declined. I can see Amelia suffering and although I can't be sure, I think it's because she doesn't want to break down in front of her sister. I see Addison out and place Amelia's food in a container incase she wants it tomorrow. Addison did say it was her favourite. I don't bother doing the dishes, I just place them in the sink before moving towards the woman I love so much.

"What can I do?" I ask quietly allowing her total control over the situation.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Amelia, honey, you're not fine. If there really isn't anything I can do, that's okay. If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay too. Whatever you're feeling is okay. But I love you, and you're not fine."

"I'm not okay." Amelia says quietly, not looking up towards me.

"I know. What do you need?"

"I don't know."

We sit for what feels like hours. We don't talk, the tv is on in the background, not that either of us are watching it. She holds my hand but there is a gap between us. We just sit doing nothing. I'm waiting for whatever this stage is to be over.

"I did it." Amelia says, speaking to me for the first time in over 3 hours.

"Did what?" I ask, not understanding the context of her words.

"Look at the clock. It's midnight. I got through the day, the worst day and I didn't cut. I thought about it so many times, but I didn't." Her words convey happiness, but her tone doesn't match. It's too neutral, almost as though she has no emotions.

"Congratulations. I'm proud of you, I know it wasn't easy."

"Arizona, I think I'm ready to cry now." She says, her voice beginning to waver. I open my arms letting her fall into them. She clings to me as though it's the end of the world as she releases all the tears she had been holding in. Although this situation seems bad, I feel relief. Relief that she is feeling emotions. Relief that she is letting me comfort her. Even if we sit here all night, at least I know now what she is feeling, and I can try to help. Sure, there's a long night ahead, but it's nothing I can't handle. We can get through this together.