Amelia POV
Writing Amelia/Zola scenes is honestly one of my favourite things to do. I love their relationship and you're about to get a whole bundle of fluff.
Enjoy.
Despite not spending a lot of time with the kids recently, we all immediately fall back into our old routine. Zola is helping me prepare food to make spaghetti and meatballs while Bailey and Ellis are colouring at the table with disney playing in the background. Spaghetti is an all round favourite, the kids all love it and it's quick and easy to make which will give us much more time for chillaxing and bonding. I had offered Zola to join her brother and sister but instead she chose to help around the kitchen. She loves to cook, I have no idea where she got that from it definitely wasn't Derek or Meredith. Maybe her birth family had something to do with it, I'm not sure. Either way, Zola is 10 years old and can cook more meals than I can, not that it takes much.
Just as I'm about to start serving, I feel a tap on my side and turn around to see what is going on.
"Aunty Melia should I go lay the table?" Zola asks me before placing the chopping board in the sink.
"That would be great, thank you sweetie. Could you ask your brother and sister to put their colouring stuff away? Food will be ready in 2 minutes, I just need to plate it up." I ask getting the plates and cutlery out of their respective cupboards.
When I get to the table, Zola is just turning the music off which results in an immediate rebellion from Bailey and snuffles from Ellis.
"Woah guys, what's the big deal?" I ask nonchalantly, sitting down at the table.
"Mom makes us turn the music off to eat." Zola days sitting down but I can see Bailey getting more distressed.
"Bailey?"
"It was on my favourite song." My nephew explains with his bottom lip sticking out.
"Okay, well after dinner, we can start it again from the beginning, and then you can have first choice of games. How does that sound?" I reason and he nods his head but still hadn't begun to eat. "Okay, but you've got to be super sensible and eat all your dinner okay kiddo?"
"Okay Aunty Melia."
The rest of dinner passed fairly smoothly. Bailey talks about some new superhero comic he found. I'm almost certain he had no idea what the story was but he must have made some assumptions from the artwork. Then again, all I know about comic books is what Derek would talk about when he was younger, and none of that ever really interested me. I find myself wondering about the conversations Derek and Bailey could have had about such topics if the universe hadn't been so cruel.
"Auntie Melia, are you okay?" Zola asks, touching slightly on the sleeve of my shirt.
"Yeah I'm fine Zozo. I was just thinking."
"About what?"
"Your Dad. He loved comic books, maybe even more than Bailey. He would have loved to talk superhero's with you." I say, directing the last part towards my nephew.
"Who was his favourite superhero? Was it Hulk like mine?" Bailey asks, suddenly very intrigued by the conversation.
"No, I mean, I'm sure he liked Hulk, but his favourite had to be either Iron man or Thor. He talked about those two all the time." I explain and Bailey takes a few moments to think before replying.
"I like Iron man and Thor too, but I still think Hulk is best."
As I load the dishes into the dishwasher, I quickly check my phone to see a message from Arizona.
"Apartment is quiet without you. Call me when the kids are in bed? X""Will do. I love you. X"
I respond, putting my phone away to make sure the kids are okay. It's unusually silent as I head through to the living room.
By the looks of it, Bailey has dragged out every board game we own in order to choose which to play first.
"Can we play this one?" Bailey asks pulling operation out of the pile.
"I think Ellis might find that a bit tricky. Why don't we play one Ellis can do, then after she is in bed we can play operation." I suggest, knowing that the young girl is getting tired and will probably only last through one game. Bailey agrees and Zola suggests snakes and ladders. When I agree the kids get the board out laying it carefully on the ground.
"Hey Ellis, you want to be on my team?" I offer, holding my arms out for the girl. I expect a fight but she scurries over to sit on my lap. I flinch slightly at the contact with my thighs but I don't have any open cuts so it doesn't hurt, but the contact is just strange.
Ellis rolls the dice for our team and I move the counter while she helps count the places. The game doesn't take too long, but it's enough time to let the kids unwind.
"Okay Ellis, its our turn to roll." I tell the tone girl sat on my knee. If we get 4 or more we have won the game. But I do not get a response from the young girl, instead I get giggles from Bailey and Zola. "What's funny?"
"Ellis is asleep" Bailey giggles and I reposition to see he is telling the truth. I make my last roll seeing a 2 on the dice. Bailey and Zola are 1 and 3 away from the finish line respectively, so there is no chance I will win the game. I carefully get up holding the young girl in my arms, telling Bailey and Zola I'll be back soon, I'm going to get their sister into bed.
I lay my niece down on the bed, carefully removing her clothes and replacing them with pyjamas. It's always surprising to me how deeply kids can sleep. My mom always said that Derek was a good sleeper, that it only took him about a month before he started to sleep through the night. Ellis must have inherited that trait. With her tucked up safe in bed I send a picture to Meredith, letting her know that she is safe and sound asleep. It's something I promised mer I would do, she hates leaving the kids overnight, especially if it's further than the hospital. I kiss her on the head and turn the lights out.
"Sleep tight Ellis."
"Okay kiddo's, what are we playing next?" I ask as I walk down the stairs and I can see Bailey has already opened the box for operation while Zola is struggling to get the last game back into its box. She is such a great help in looking her younger brother and sister, especially since Derek died. She never seems to complain, but sometimes I worry that she is turning into another parent to them. I worry she is losing her childhood, much like Derek did when he chose to look after me. I know it's not the same, Meredith is an amazing Mom, and they have Maggie and myself to help out, but the similarly is remarkable. She is so grown up at a time when she still has so many more choices and mistakes to make. She needs to be a kid, and I'm going to help with that.
I take the box away from my niece, quickly putting the pieces back before helping Bailey set up operation. Zola informs me that there are rules for different ages, so if Bailey gets the piece out and the machine buzzes twice then he fails, for herself it's only allowed to buzz once but for me it isn't allowed to buzz at all.
"Isn't that a little unfair?" I joke, willing to play by her rules but purposefully making a bigger deal out of the situation than is necessary.
"No that's how mom plays. Mom said Bailey is still learning but I'm getting better and if you're a surgeon you should be an expert."
"But I haven't played since I was your age."
"Aunty Melia, you cut into brains and keep people alive at work, this should be easy for you." Zola replies sternly and I have no argument. She wins.
"Okay, we can play with your rules. Who goes first?"
So it turns out operation isn't as easy as I expected, but after a few goes I get the hang of it and take several pieces in a row out perfectly.
"Aunty Melia how do you do that?" Zola asks in shock.
"Hey, you're the one that said surgeons should be experts." I joke but make sure to bodge my next turn to give the kids a chance. "And a neurosurgeon is the most precise in their technique, it's so much more complicated."
"Does that mean your job is harder than Mom's?" Bailey asks and I can see how this could lead to more issues.
"Not necessarily. Because even though the brain and spine are the most complicated and dangerous things to operate on, your mom has to learn about all of the other organs. When she gets a patient there could be so many different things wrong with different body parts."
"Really?"
"Yep, but your mom does know quite a lot about brains too. She almost because a neurosurgeon before she decided to do general surgery?"
"Why did she change her mind?"
"Because your Dad was a brain surgeon, and she wanted to do something different. They lived together and worked together and sometimes you need time apart to realise how much you love somebody. And then it turned out your Mom was amazing at general surgery and has helped so many people." I explain as best I can. Honestly, I feel like I am bullshitting my way through this conversation but the kids seem content with my response.
When I had beaten both Bailey and Zola in a game of operation I inform Bailey it's time for bed. Although he didn't seem thrilled at the idea, the idea of a bedtime story seemed to convince him to go brush his teeth.
"Zola honey, do you want to find something else for us to do when I get back?" I ask, presuming she will want to get her choice of game after we played games that I know wouldn't be her first choice in order to keep her siblings happy. She just nods simply and I follow Bailey to the bathroom, making sure he brushes properly.
Bailey fell asleep about 5 minutes into his story, but I keep reading, just until I know he's going to stay that way. When the book is done, I make my way out of the room, repeating the process of sending a picture to Meredith.
Zola is just sat on the couch when I get back to the living room. She has put the games away and seems to be staring into the middle of nowhere.
"No game Zozo? You feeling alright?"
"Yeah, I just don't feel like playing another game. Can we just sit and watch a movie or talk or something?" She asks and I smile.
"Chill time sounds good. Why don't I go grab a blanket and we can get comfy." I offer and she nods in agreement.
Blanket in hand, I head back to the couch, pulling Zola into my side and covering us both with the blanket.
"I've missed out snuggle time y'know." I tell her honestly. Since I moved out I've had plenty of snuggle time with Arizona and Sofia, but it's not the same. Although it's not biological, I see so much of Derek in Zola. His mannerisms and attitudes to life live on through her and I love the time we spend like this.
"Do you love Arizona and Sofia more than us?" Zola asks timidly and I cup her face with my hand.
"Of course not, I love you all equally. Why would you think that?"
"You left us to live with them and we don't see you much anymore." The young girl says with tears in her eyes and I feel suddenly guilty for not realising how much she was hurting. I pull her even closer into my side, wrapping my arms around her
"Zola baby, I love you so, so much. Sure I love Arizona and Sofia too but you mean everything to me. Even if I don't live here anymore. If you miss me then you can always call me okay, or text me from your Mom's phone. Then I can come here or you can come to see me and Arizona and Sofia, or we can just go out somewhere. Don't ever think that I don't love you because I left okay?"
"I know, I just miss you. You talk about Dad."
"I know you miss him. I do too, every day."
"I'm scared I'm going to forget him." Zola admits quietly and I realise what the conversation is really about. I try to talk about Derek, when I'm with the kids. I noticed that Meredith doesn't too much, I guess it's her way of coping, but I need to talk about my feelings. Without me in the house regularly talking about Derek, Zola is beginning to forget.
"You're never going to forget your Dad Zozo, I promise. Some of the memories may fade but you'll always remember your dad."
"How do you know?" Zola asks still snuffling, and I take a deep breath knowing what I have to do.
"Because my Dad died when I was five. Me and your Dad were there but we couldn't stop it happening. Even though I don't have many memories of my Dad, I know I loved him and he loved me. I've never forgotten that."
"How do you keep remembering?"
"At first your Dad helped me, and made sure to talking about him, and eventually I just couldn't forget, no matter what happens. You're a lot like your Dad y'know."
"How?"
"When my dad died, your dad made sure to look after me, to help my mom in every way anybody could think of. He acted more like a grown up than any of the kids his own age. You do the same to look after Ellis and Bailey, to help your Mom."
"Do you think he would be proud of me? Zola asks me and I nod my head, reaching out to wipe her tears.
"I know he would be. You're amazing Zozo, but you're just a kid. Nobody expects you to be an adult all the time."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, whenever you need a break, I want you to call me okay? And we can do something fun. Me and you alone, or sometimes Sofia and Arizona might join if you want. But you need time to relax too. You deserve a childhood. Your dad didn't get to finish his childhood because of me, I'm not going to let you do the same okay?"
"It's not your fault, I think Dad just did what he had to do. You didn't make your dad die Aunty Melia."
"When did you get so smart huh?" I ask ruffling her hair and planting a kiss on her forehead.
"Do you still miss your dad?"
"Every single day. But things get better Zozo. I promise, things get better."
Zola's tears gradually begin to subdue and I just lay with her in my arms. We have some animated film going on in the background, that isn't very interesting but it's light and easy.
"Aunty Melia, can I ask you a question? You and Zona love each other like my mom loved my dad right?"
"Yeah sweetie, we do. What about it?"
"I don't understand it."
"What don't you understand?" I ask to clarify. I know Zola would never mean anything in a offensive way, so there is probably a literal explanation as to what it is she wants to know.
"Well I know a man and woman have S-E-X when they're in love so they can have a baby." She explains, spelling sex letter by letter rather than saying the full word, much like we used to around the house when Ellis and Bailey were around.
"It's just us here kiddo, you can say sex, it's not a bad word." I explain carefully before nodding at her to continue.
"But how does it work with two girls? I don't understand." Zola further explains, she shows a little discomfort at the topic of conversation but isn't afraid to ask questions. Sex isnt a topic we have ever particularly tried to hide from the kids, and surely enough she had developed a reasonable level of understanding. But until I met Arizona, all relationships in this house were heterosexual which must have raised some misunderstandings.
"There isn't just one way to have sex, and yes, sex is traditionally about making babies, but that's not all its for. It's a way to get closer to somebody you trust, making relationships stronger. And it can feel really good." I continue with a subtle smile, careful not to push the conversation too far or laugh at her questions. I love that she feels safe enough to talk about these things with me and I wouldn't want to do anything that could jeopardise that.
"How that that feel good?" The young girl asks with a grimace, slightly disturbed by the thoughts in her head.
"Because when you have sex your brain releases neurotransmitters, like seratonin and oxytocin and dopamine. Do you remember what those are?"
"Serotonin is the happy one and dopamine is the pleasure one. What's the other one?"
"Oxytocin. It's the love neurotransmitter. When it's released you fall even more in love." I add. I have been teaching her about the brain whenever she asks, careful not to force the information on her, but I can tell its something she is interested in, beyond the normal amount.
"Okay but how?" Zola asks and I give her a questioning gaze.
"I thought you knew how neurotransmitters worked?"
"Not that. How do two girls have sex?" She asks, her voice getting quieter as she finishes her sentence.
"Well, girls don't have penis', but there are other things we can do to get the same effect. We can use our fingers, or our mouths, or there are special toys you can buy. And there are other places with sensitive nerves, you don't have to put anything inside to get pleasure."
"People use their mouths?" My niece asks, her face showing a mixture of surprise and disgust. "That's gross."
"Some people think so. Some people think it's good. When you're older, and I mean much older, you can decide for yourself."
"Don't worry Aunty Melia. I don't want to have sex with boys or girls." Zola says with such certainty and I can see there is still a little girl hiding in her overly mature mind.
"I'm glad. But in a long time, if you ever do want to and think your ready to, you know you can talk to me first right? Just so we can make sure you're safe." I add, not wanting to get into the topic of unsafe sex but knowing it's important to talk about. I wasn't planning on giving Zola a sex talk tonight but I'm glad it happened. She has clearly had a lot of questions building up for a while.
Despite myself finding this topic of conversation fairly awkward, I make sure not to steer away from it incase Zola has any more questions. If she doesn't, I'm sure she will find away to change the topic.
"Do you and Zona have sex?" Zola asks and I cough at the sudden personal question. She caught me off guard with that one and it takes me a moment to process. "Aunty Melia?"
"Yes we do."
"Why do you have sex with girls?" Her questions now getting more thought provoking.
"Well, I love Arizona, and I think she is really pretty and I know she loves me back and I trust her."
"Do you have sex with boys?"
"Not currently, because I'm with Arizona and we are happy, but I have before yes."
"Did you love the boys?" Okay, now I feel like this is turning into more of an interrogation than it is bonding time.
"One of them I did. The others I don't know."
"Do I know him?"
"No. He died when you were little." I say thinking about Ryan.
"How?"
"He had a disease, but I don't really want to talk about him. It makes me sad." I explain briefly. Addiction is a disease, I didn't lie, but I'm not ready for Zola to know all of the issues of my past. After all, she is only 10.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You didn't know, and it was a long time ago. Come on, it's getting late. You're already up an hour later than you're supposed to be."
"But I have more questions."
"You can ask me tomorrow, I will always be here to try to answer all your questions, but you've yawned twice in the last minute. You're tired, and so am I."
"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Zola asks timidly and I can tell she is feeling fragile.
"Sure thing kiddo. Go brush your teeth and get your PJs on. I promised Arizona I would call her to say goodnight."
I decide to send a text before calling. It is 10:30pm and I wouldn't be surprised if she had fallen asleep.
"Hey, you still awake? x"
But instead of replying to my message I see her face flash up on my screen and I swipe to answer her call.
"Hey, sorry it got late. Zola is having a tough time so bonding time was necessary."
"It's fine, is she okay?" Arizona asks in a concerned voice.
"She will be. She misses Derek and she isn't dealing great. Apparently since I moved out she has had a lot of big feelings she hasn't been able to release. I talk to you about it in more tomorrow."
"Poor thing. I'm glad you're able to spend time with her though. She must have needed that."
"Have you had a sex talk with Sofia yet?" I ask, totally side tracking the conversation.
"No, she is only nine and we haven't really had a reason to. Why?"
"Zola has been aware of the concept for a while, we never really hid it from her, but she bombarded me with Sex Ed questions tonight. She wanted to know the biology of lesbian sex."
"And what did you tell her?"
"Well I explained that sex wasn't just for making babies and that it's also pleasurable and about trust, but then she started asking about how it physically works. I gave her the basics, telling her you can use fingers or mouths or special toys for the same effect and that everybody enjoys different things. I also told her she is way too young to be having sex, and thank god she agrees. I am going to have to tell Meredith about this though which is going to be awkward."
"How did she take it?"
"Well, the idea of sex is still gross to her, so I guess we still have a little time before we start to worry about anything more."
"So other than having an extremely awkward conversation, are you okay? You haven't slept alone in a long time."
"And I'm not going to tonight. Zola asked if she could sleep in my bed and I couldn't say no to her."
"What about your nightmares?"
"I'll deal with it if I have to. I know I can call you if I need anything."
"I'm proud of you, y'know. This time 6 months ago, the idea of sharing your bed with Zola would have totally freaked you out. I'm so proud. "
"I,uh, thanks. I think. I'm going to try and get a bit of sleep. You have your phone on loud right?"
"Yep, as promised. I love you Amelia, I'll see you tomorrow."
"I love you too. Good night Az."
I quickly get changed before Zola is finished in the bathroom. I make sure to wear leggings that cover my legs fully and I out on a loose t-shirt. Arizona is right, I'm am scared I will get a nightmare with Zola in the room, but I know she is old enough to deal with it if I do. Just as I'm climbing into bed, my niece comes into my room. I pull the duvet down and pat the bed, telling her to come over and join me.
"You okay?" I ask her as she drags the blanket up to cover herself and get warm.
"Yeah. Can I text mom to say good night?"
"Sure" I agree passing her my phone.
"Why did you sent pictures of sleeping Bailey and Ellis to my mom?" Zola asks seeing the previous messages in the conversation.
"Because she misses you when she goes away and pictures let her know you're safe."
"Can we take a photo of us to send to mom?" She asks innocently and I nod, I love how much empathy and understanding of others feelings Zola has. She opens the camera and I pull her into my side, smiling for the photo. Once she has sent it to Mer with a caption saying goodnight, I get a proper look at the photo.
"Zozo, I think this is my new phone wallpaper…
What do you think?"
"Yeah. I like it. That way you think of us whenever you open your phone."
I change my phone wallpaper before putting my phone down and turning off the lap beside my bed,
"Sleep tight kiddo, I love you."
"Love you too Aunty Melia."