A&A&A Boarding School

Authoresses' Note: We are so happy with you reviewers, we have decided to talk to you in first person. Or first persons. We thank hidden darkness, Celias23, Kit Cloudkicker, Steelflame (whom we congratulate on being first to appreciate our careful engineering of the conjunction of the Orlando Blooms), Elen uur, Lydia's old skeptic reviewer Cerse (and Lydia is very glad he's no longer skeptical), and Lydia's dear classmates Manveri and Asha Ice (and we will never bow to the death-threats of Legolas fans. The cult of Legolas-hating shall live on!) Thank you all so much!

And as Kit Cloudkicker has suggested, now we shall include in our disclaimer a list of our 45 students, which might be useful. Uninterested people should skip.

Lord of the Rings: Aragorn, Arwen, Éowyn, Éomer, Faramir, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Haldir

Artemis Fowl: Artemis, Holly, Chix, Mulch, Trouble, Grub, Lili

Harry Potter: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy

Van Helsing: Van Helsing, Anna, Carl

Pirates of the Carribean: Captain Jack Sparrow, Will, Elizabeth

Troy: Paris, Hector, Helen, Briseis, Andromache, Achilles

Lés Miserables: Marius, Cosette, Eponine, Enjolras, Gavroche, Grantaire, Feuilly, Courfeyrac, Joly (we forgot about Combeferre until the last minute)

None of which belong to us. Now read.　

3. Chemistry and Catastrophe

On the morning of Monday, the entire boys' dormitory was aroused by a stirring chorus from near the dorm windows. The French boys were holding a morning hymn, conducted by their mop-haired leader. "One day to a new beginning! Raise the flag of freedom high! Every man will be a king! Every man will be a king!"

The birds outside the window were startled out of their poor fluffy minds. One fainted dead away on the windowsill. The rest took fright and flew away, to somewhere where people sang less and better.

Achilles threw his pillow at the conductor and hit him neatly in the back. "Shut up!" he roared. "Who are you idiots anyway?"

"We are Les Révolutionaires Français!" came the proud answer. "Dedicated to the lifelong quest of upholding the freedom of the French Republic! I am their chief, Enjolras. Will you take your place among us, brother?"

"Dream on," snapped Achilles, retrieving his pillow and marching out of the dormitory to wash up. The majority of the other boys decided too that the French Revolution was mental and kept their distance.

Aragorn was approaching the main staircase to the dining hall when he heard a familiar voice behind him. "Good morning, Aragorn. Did you sleep well?"

He spun. Arwen had come up behind him quietly, and now she stood, dark hair glinting in the pale morning light. "Of course," he heard himself say. "You look beautiful today, Arwen."

Neither of them heard a snicker from behind them. "How pathetic they look," murmured Haldir smugly in Boromir's ear. "And that is why I always have considered myself above the silly matters of crushes and romance."

"Indeed," muttered Boromir, hoping fervently for some distraction. "Oh, look, my brother!" Hastily he turned away from Haldir. "Faramir! Where were you? I lost you in the bathroom! Come here at once!"

The one he was speaking to bounced over. He resembled Boromir greatly in face, but certainly not in actions. "Yo!" he called to Haldir. "My name is Faramir! Whatcha call yourself, dude?"

"Erm, that's my brother," put in Boromir, looking rather resigned to such embarassment. "He's a little...well...insane..."

"Right you are, bro!" added Faramir.

"Nice to meet you," sniffed Haldir, and drifted off. Boromir glared at Faramir and dragged his hyper brother into the dining room for breakfast.

Aragorn, as he collected his porridge behind Arwen, noted that Achilles was trying to chat up the girl he had noticed yesterday at dinner. "So," went on Achilles to the girl, who was uncomfortably shrinking away towards the end of the table, "I'm Achilles."

"Pleased to meet you," whispered the unfortunate object of his attentions.

"What's your name, then?" persisted Achilles. The girl looked around for an opening, and seeing no alternative, opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted.

"Briseis!" cried a tall, chestnut-haired girl, hurrying over. "I looked all over for you in the dormitory – where on earth did you go?" She paused for breath and glared at Achilles. "Now, if you wouldn't mind..."

Achilles sullenly moved over as the girl squeezed into the space between him and Briseis. "Andromache!" said Briseis, relief in her tone. "I thought you'd already gone down. Lucky you found me, though..."

Hmph, thought Achilles. This was going to be harder than he thought.

Towards the end of breakfast, Professor McGonagall stood up. "Lessons begin today!" she announced. "First-years, there are stacks of timetables at the head of your table. Collect them. Your first lesson, first-years, will be Chemistry, which will be held in the second-floor Science Lab in ten minutes. I suggest you hurry."

The dining hall emptied as all four levels hurried off to their various lessons. The first-years grabbed copies of the weekly timetable and rushed off for lessons.

The Science Lab (and all other classrooms, they later realised) was constructed so – with exactly fifteen desks, three columns and five rows, each desk wide enough for three people. Exactly forty-five seats for forty-five people.

Harry, Ron and Hermione noted the front centre desk was already taken – by the boy who had introduced himself as Artemis Fowl, Harry realised – so they sat down at the front left desk. At the back of the class, Merry, Sam and Frodo took the desk in front of Mulch, Pippin and Gimli. Merry's seat was next to an interesting-looking cupboard. Merry, out of curiosity, opened it.

Wide pink jaws armed with dripping fangs shot out. Merry squealed in fright and shoved the snake back inside, ramming the bolt home. The cupboard jiggled for a bit, then settled down. "Frodo," said Merry in a trembling tone, "could I change places with you?"

"You can stay there," replied Frodo unsympathetically.

Achilles was about to join Briseis in the back seat when Andromache again squeezed in between the two of them. She shot him a glare, then began conversing with Briseis and effectively leaving him out. Achilles clenched his fist and looked away. Ahead of him, Legolas and Paris sat on either side of Helen and stared daggers at each other.

Again the French Revolution (who were seated three behind three) burst into song. "Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men!"

"Shut up, will you!" yelled the girl in black riding clothes with dark wavy tresses in the row in front of Enjolras. "You little horrors!"

"You'd better not look down on little people!" called a small boy two rows back, who looked dwarfed amidst the taller revolutionaires. The rest of the Revolution laughed at his comment and grinned at the girl, who rolled her eyes and turned away. "Spawn of the devil!"

"Normally," interrupted her right deskmate, who was also in black, with a black leather hat lowered over his features, "I don't agree with women, but this time you seem to have a good point there."

The girl turned. "And who are you, anyway?"

The other raised his hat so he could look at her from under its brim. "Gabriel Van Helsing. But I'd prefer it if you used my surname rather than my first name."

"Anna Valerious," replied the girl in an offhand manner, tossing her wavy hair over her shoulder. "And I like my first name better, thank you very much."

"I'm Carl," offered the small mousy boy on Anna's left. "Hi."

"No one's talking to you," retorted Anna, black eyes flashing.

"Fine, fine, I get the message," muttered Carl, retreating to his end of the desk.

Holly and Éowyn had taken the same desk as Artemis Fowl, who was ignoring them pointedly. Not that either cared. "Hey!" called Éowyn to the people behind them. "Holly, meet my brother. Éomer, Holly. Holly, Éomer."

"Hey, sis," Éomer called back. "Meet my friends. Éowyn, Boromir. Boromir, Éowyn."

"Yo!" interrupted Faramir, who was seated between his brother and Éomer. Boromir clapped his hand over his mouth. "Ignore him," he told Éowyn with a serious face. "He talks crap."

"Mmf!" protested Faramir.

Just then, their Science teacher walked in. Holly recognized him as the old man in grey who had been with Commander Root in the hall yesterday. He walked over to the teacher's desk, laid his books and gnarled staff on it, added his pointed hat to the pile, and faced the class. "Good morning, class."

The class replied with a subdued greeting. They settled down, wondering what this lesson would bring.

Their teacher strode slowly to the front of the classroom and looked at them. "I am Gandalf the Grey, and I am your Science teacher for this year. You might like to know that you will be doing the Chemistry module this year, which happens to be my personal favourite, because you get to blow things up. Oh, and one of the rules in class is: no mobile phones."

There was silence. All eyes were riveted on Lili Frond, who was paying no attention to Gandalf and prattling away on her mobile phone. Haldir, who was her left deskmate, gave a loud sniff and cleared his throat ominously. Lili did not take the hint. Draco Malfoy, who was on her right, nudged her shoulder hard. She merely glared at him and continued talking. In the end, Trouble Kelp leaned backwards from his place in front of her, forcibly removed the phone and switched it off.

Lili opened her mouth, aghast, but Gandalf caught her eye. Lili lowered her gaze and began to sulk.

"Thank you, Mr. Kelp," said Gandalf calmly. "Now, what better to begin your Chemistry module than a fun experiment?" He placed a stack of worksheets in front of Éowyn. "If you wouldn't mind handing those out." As Éowyn began dividing them into stacks for each row, he went on. "Although it's only a beginning lesson, already you should start using the scientific skills of observation and inference – particularly in the case of chemical reactions." Éowyn leaned backwards and waved the worksheets in front of Faramir's nose to get his attention. In the end, Boromir took them in his brother's stead and dealt them out with a sigh. Gandalf continued: "You will be working with your other two deskmates. I might as well let you know that you will be sitting in this arrangement for the rest of the year, and doing everything with your fellow deskmates, so I suggest you get acquainted with them now."

That statement caused quite a stir among the class. Haldir and Malfoy glanced at Lili and rolled their eyes. Andromache gave Achilles a look of distaste. Holly and Éowyn threw Artemis suspicious glances. Anna glared at Van Helsing.

Gandalf had to call their attention back to the experiment at hand. "You will find all necessary apparatus on your bench. Start now, please, and you will finish by the end of this period."

Soon, the class was filled with much bustle and noise, plus a lot of bunsen burner smoke rising into the air.

"A bit of water," read Holly, "a bit, mind. Oh," she fumbled in her drawer and handed a tube to her partner, "I think this is the lead nitrate."

"How much?" asked Éowyn, looking unnaturally alien-like in enormous lab. protection glasses.

"Erm, five drops." The glasses had been too big for Holly, so she had ditched her pair. "Oi," she called to Artemis, "aren't you going to help at all?"

Artemis stared coolly back at her through the protective material of the glasses. "I am taking notes."

"Do something else more useful, then," snapped Holly, "like find the thitriamine penthathol extract."

"She's already found it," pointed out Artemis coldly, as Éowyn tipped the extract into the test tube along with the lead nitrate.

"Hmph." Holly turned back to Éowyn, fuming inwardly. "That Mud Boy is getting on my nerves."

Artemis went on taking notes innocuously.

At the desk to the right, a fairly similar argument was taking place. "Will you do anything?" seethed Anna. "Stop just sitting there with your stupid hat and help!"

"How?" replied Van Helsing. "You seem to be doing all the available jobs."

Anna glared. "You can light the bunsen burner." She searched for the lighter, but it was nowhere to be found.

"Ooh," she heard Carl say, "I've always wanted to light a bunsen burner. It looks such fun, except they never let me do it at home..."

Anna looked up to see Carl successfully light the bunsen burner. "Yay!" cried Carl.

Anna clenched her fists in frustration. "I want to kill someone. Now."

"Find someone else then," retorted Van Helsing. "We're not interested."

"Don't tempt me!"

"There is something wrong," pointed out Gimli at their desk at the back of the classroom.

"Yeah. Nasty," affirmed Mulch.

Pippin took off his lab glasses and, holding the test tube at arm's length, scrutinized it. "Oh dear." He put it in the rack and called to Frodo, "Hey! Can I see your solution?"

Sam raised it. "Is this okay? What's it for, anyway?"

Pippin stared in horror at their own test tube. "Oh no. Oh no, no, no..."

"What's the matter?" came a voice from behind them.

Pippin turned quickly. "Professor Gandalf! I think there's something wrong with our experiment! Look, Sam's is yellow, and the people on our right, theirs are yellow, and so's the solution of the people in front of them, and..."

"And yours is pink," finished Gandalf. He looked unusually stern. "Did you add the specified ingredients?"

"Well," began Mulch, "I added the thitriamine thing – I know 'cos I checked the label – "

"You didn't add the lead nitrate, did you?" said Gandalf accusingly.

"I saw the label said nitrate, so I added it..." whispered Pippin, but Gandalf interrupted. "Fool of a Took!" he roared and grabbing the test tube, he dumped its contents into the sink. Red smoke rose menacingly out of the drainhole, followed by a series of muffled explosions.

"What you just added," stated Gandalf, breathing hard, "was kestitamathripol nitrate. Which reacts rather strongly to thitriamine penthathol extract at a high temperature." He composed himself. "Well, let that be a lesson to the three of you. Never add anything to an experiment without checking the label first." With that, he strode off, grey robes billowing. However, he was distracted by a blinding flash of light from the desk on the right of Pippin's. "WHAT IN ARDA WAS THAT?!"

The culprit was looking decidedly pleased with himself as he dropped a crumbling bar of grey-white powder into the sink. "Yes?" he asked impertinently.

His other two deskmates, who had their arms thrown up over their eyes and were leaning away from him, made an effort to recover. Since the culprit himself gave no sign of wanting to explain, Gandalf turned to them instead. "What happened here?"

The boy which Legolas and Paris recognized as Will Turner coughed and tried to explain. "You see, Professor, we finished our experiment early, and then Jack got bored..."

"It's Captain Jack Sparrow, lad," put in Jack.

The blonde girl who had offended Legolas in the food queue last night spoke up, with a glare at Jack. "And then he found a jar of metal things labelled 'Magnesium Ribbons'..."

"Actually, Elizabeth, you found it," interrupted Jack. "I only made of your discovery."

"And he decided to set fire to one," finished Will weakly.

Gandalf looked down his long nose at Captain Jack Sparrow. "What have you to say for yourself, young man?"

Jack thought about it. "Could I have another jar, please?"

"Hopeless," muttered Gandalf in exasperation. "No, you cannot. Mr. Turner, Miss Swann, please keep an eye on him. Mr. Sparrow, I'll speak to you later about laboratory safety. The rest of you, get back to work."

"You shouldn't add so much water," advised Paris as Legolas filled the test tube from the tap. "The instructions say..."

"Oh, don't tell me you're scared," mocked Legolas.

"Shut up," muttered Paris, turning red. He watched Legolas pour in the other liquids. "I'll hold it over the flame, Helen. It's rather dangerous, so you should keep back."

"I'll do it," retorted Legolas.

"No, I will," insisted Paris.

"Let Paris," interjected Helen. "You did fill up the test tube, Legolas."

Paris smirked and snatched the test tube away, holding it over the fire with the wooden tongs. "Nothing's happening," pointed out Legolas sullenly.

"Patience is a virtue," chided Paris. "Are you virtuous? I think not."

Legolas looked all set to smack Paris hard, but Helen cried, "Look! It's bubbling! And turning yellow!"

And so it was. The solution bubbled furiously, becoming a thick lemon yellow and expanding at an amazing rate. By rights, Gandalf should have noticed by now, especially since he was just in front of Legolas, but at that moment he had been distracted by the French Revolution – Gavroche accidently setting fire to Grantaire's wine-flask with the bunsen burner – and hence he didn't notice the discrepancy behind him.

"Is it supposed to be that fast?" mused Paris. "Maybe we did add too much water..."

Then the solution boiled over the mouth of the test tube and exploded into an angry yellow fountain. The hot liquid burst all over Paris and Legolas (Helen was too far back to be hit seriously) and scalded them mercilessly. All three screamed.

Gandalf jumped and hurried over. This was becoming a very hectic first lesson.

"My face," moaned Legolas, "my face is ruined...oh my god, no..."

"Ow..." groaned Paris, "it hurts...I knew we shouldn't have added so much water..."

Helen was screaming purely from trauma.

Gandalf sighed. "Someone take them to the sick bay. Volunteers?"

"I'll take Paris," volunteered a young man sitting next to Aragorn. "He's my brother."

"Good." Gandalf pointed at Will Turner. "You, take Mr. Greenleaf. Now, the rest of you, finish your worksheet and wrap up. It's almost time for your next lesson."

He strode back to the front of the classroom and addressed the people who had finished packing up and were queuing up with their stationery and books. "Your next lesson is Home Economics. One floor up, in the first-year Home-Econs. Room. Hurry up, hurry up now. And you," this to Helen, "you can stop screaming. Move off so I can sweep up the glass." As the class hurried off, he could not help letting out a sigh of relief. He would not miss turning them over to the lady Galadriel. He just hoped she could cope with them.

End of Chapter

Next chapter coming ... Stitching and Submative-Assessments