A&A&A Boarding School
Authoresses' Note: We are most sorry. Most extremely sorry. But we couldn't help it. We've been harassed by history tests, plagued by orals, and Lydia has French Examen next Wednesday. Our country has a terrible education system. Effective, but terrible.
Anyhow, we are still grateful to our reviewers, whose numbers are indeed growing very much (not that we mind, you know). Accolades to FlameTalon, Asha Ice (yes, Jack is from Pirates of the Carribean. He drinks rum, which Lydia has taken a huge liking to), southerngirl4615, Fan of Fan Fic, Celias23, Crow (you do have a point, though Elrond teaches Literature here), aknightofni, SwordSwallower17, codefun (Lydia says that making Hermione slack, darling, is like making Achilles vote world peace or Jack convert to teetotaling. Are you going to the Mooncake Festival at Rosyth on Saturday 25 September, 5 – 8 pm, dear?), Kit Cloudkicker (see below), Invader 101, manveridaughterofmirkwood (you owe us 11 reviews, lissehondonya), Cerse (we wonder what bishounen are, having never been exposed to anime or the likes), cocoaducks (short and sweet, you know), I AM EOWYN (Rukuelle hates Twelfth Night, ironically. She thinks Olivia is a sop) and ringbearer769. Oh, that was long.
Kit Cloudkicker and many others have expressed ignorance of Artemis Fowl (which is a wonderful book, we both agree.) So, here goes. Artemis Fowl for Dummies (no offence!)
Artemis Fowl: Irish boy genius and criminal mastermind with an impregnable ego and a glaring lack of conscience.
Holly Short: The belle of LEPRecon, but one tough gal. She's slightly under the fairy average of one metre, but she makes up for it by having more guts and sass than the other guys in Recon put together.
Mulch Diggums: Flatulent dwarf and master thief. He's got a smart mouth and likes to eat dirt. Literally.
Trouble Kelp: LEPRecon captain, stolid and unhesitant to dive into fire. Trouble is his middle name – or, to be exact, his first.
Grub Kelp: Trouble's pathetic excuse for a kid brother. His one talent is making up excuses to get out of anything.
Lili Frond: The bimbo of the LEP. Need we say more?
Chix Verbil: Overly lecherous sprite. Believes he's God's greenskinned gift to women. Apparently, they don't think so.
Commander Julius Root: The LEPRecon red-faced Commander, who talks tough and has the tendency to blow up in fits of anger.
Wing Commander Vinyáya: One of the few Council members who can handle an electric gun. We think Root's a little fond of her.
Domovoi Butler: Artemis Fowl's 2-metre tall bodyguard and probably the best in the business. Not the nicest person to face off in a fight.
Foaly: Smart-mouthed centaur, who's a techonoligcal genius and lets everyone know about it.
None of which we own. Read, do.
7. Term Essays and Taekwondo
Celeborn hefted his pile of dictionaries under his arm and sighed.
It wasn't easy being a Language Teacher, he thought as he left his office for his next class. Especially being the only Language Teacher. Every day was filled with marking essays, essays and more essays. He hadn't even had time for a lunch break. Of course, he could stop giving them essays for once, but he enjoyed holding at least the power of giving homework over his students. His classroom was the only place where he could hold power. Galadriel held the power everywhere else.
Celeborn started up the spiral staircase and wondered how Galadriel managed to be Aesthetics Head. Galadriel juggled Home Economics, Performing Arts, Art and Design, Counselling and cooking for the entire school, and she was still sane. But then, Galadriel was a multi-tasking marvel. Not that it was good being married to one, but still...he could hardly complain.
On level four he was jostled and overtaken by a large crowd of students – his students no less. They were having a running race. At their age, if you would believe it. How childish. Celeborn sighed again, adjusted his load and made off after his students.
The race had been started by Anna and Van Helsing. So far, Anna was winning. Then she was overtaken by Van Helsing. Anna put on a further burst of speed and reached the classroom first. She leaned against the door frame to catch her breath and smirked triumphantly at Van Helsing as he finished second.
Van Helsing did not take kindly to being defeated. As Anna turned, he stuck his foot out and tripped her.
Anna shrieked and fell over. She pulled her face out of the tiling and saw Van Helsing at his seat, watching her with the ghost of a mocking smile at the corner of his mouth. A boiling anger welled up in her. Scooping up her books with one hand, she made a fist of the other and swung it at Van Helsing. Van Helsing calmly swept his hat off his head and blocked Anna's punch. The hat got severely dented.
Carl arrived, panting. "Guys! Stop it! Anna, if you punch Van Helsing you'll get detention!"
"I don't care," snapped Anna through gritted teeth as another punch was blocked by the now crumpled hat.
Celeborn came last of all as the rest of the class filed in before him. "What is this?" he gasped as he set his books down on the teacher's desk.
Van Helsing was momentarily distracted by Celeborn's exclamation, and Anna succeeded in punching him in the nose. Van Helsing reeled backward. Anna retracted her bloody fist and looked exultant.
Celeborn hurried over and made his expression stern and forbidding. "Young lady," he began, "did you know that fighting is Not Allowed?"
Anna nodded innocently.
"And you still punched him?"
Anna succeeded in maintaining the innocent look.
"Anna Valerious, you will get detention! Tonight! At 9.00 pm, for, erm, cutting the lawn grass."
Anna raised her eyebrows.
Celeborn turned his attention to Van Helsing and his nosebleed. "Do you need to go to the sick bay?"
"No!" seethed Van Helsing, who was trying to stem the flow. "I'm perfectly all right!"
"If you say so," muttered Celeborn, turning away. "Anna, sit down."
Anna was not about to do so. She turned instead to Carl. "Carl," she said in a falsely pleasant tone, "would you please switch places with me? I really don't want to sit next to him."
Carl did not really like the idea, but he wasn't very keen to find out what Anna might do to him if he didn't comply. "Oh – okay."
They were in the process of switching seats, all of which Van Helsing ignored impassively, when Galadriel glided in. "Celeborn, darling," she said, "I know you haven't had lunch, so I packed some for you." She handed him a paper bag and flashed him a dazzling smile.
Celeborn stared at the bag. "Oh. Thank you."
Galadriel smiled again and turned to leave, but she froze abruptly. Anna held her breath as Galadriel turned back and locked eyes with her. "Anna," she said, and there was a measure of sternness in her voice, "you're not supposed to switch seats."
Anna remained mutinously silent.
Galadriel swept over. "You are to remain in this seating position for the rest of the four years you spend in this school, unless we see it fit to switch your seats. Now, change back with Carl, dear."
"But..." began Anna.
Galadriel sent a numbing stare into Anna's eyes, which bore through her retinas and set her optical nerves jangling. "No buts. They're for sitting on. And you'd do very well, Anna dear, to sit down in your proper place."
Anna felt herself move mechanically and sit down again next to Van Helsing, who had replaced the hat and was now effectively expressionless. Galadriel smiled. "That's a good girl." Then she swept out of the room.
Van Helsing raised the brim of his hat with one finger and eyed Anna suspiciously. Anna continued staring at the whiteboard for a few more seconds. Then she suddenly snapped back into her normal state and glared back.
Van Helsing decided that it was not worth bothering about and let the hat brim drop.
Celeborn was talking. "And for starters you will do an Introductory Term Essay."
He was interrupted by a loud outcry of groans. "Oh please," moaned Holly. "We've already had one essay today!"
Celeborn was adamant. "Then take a second one. Besides," here he looked slightly like his wife, "ITEs are easy compared to what you're going to have for the rest of the year."
Trouble, Grub and Chix gulped in unison.
"In this essay," went on Celeborn, "you will introduce yourself. You can write about anything related to yourself, such as your likes and dislikes, your family, your height or your opinions on organic lettucino. As I said, it's very easy. Start. I said start. START!"
Achilles made a very big show of pulling out his foolscap. He considered filling this one with more swear words, but decided that Celeborn might assume he was introducing himself. He would just have to slog through this one.
Artemis thought about it. He might as well let Celeborn know what he was dealing with.
I am Artemis Fowl the Second.
And more.
I am Irish, but I have the highest tested IQ in the whole of Europe. Besides that, I come from a family of rich and powerful persons. The Fowl family is among one of the top ten richest families in Ireland – a fact that they have much to thank me for.
So far, so good.
Lili Frond was delighted. For once here was something her bimbotic brain could comprehend. She picked up her bright pink pen, decorated at the top with a bright pink pompom, and began to scrawl over the paper in bright pink glittery ink.
hi, im Lili Frond. i guess im like pretty, tho my mom always says i should be modets but i dun care. oh yeah and sum ppl like that girl Holly Short always calling me a bimbo dun think its like a nice thing to call ppl but theres a like nice song to go wih it. dun think i want to rite it here tho. yeah and im blonde and i loooooooove makeup. before i came here i bought this set of pink eyeshadow and it was like really cool and now its my fav eyeshadow and its like so cheap so i like went and bought ten of them.
Haldir glanced over at her paper, read the first line and blanched. Five grammar mistakes later he reeled shellshocked back to his own paper.
The French Revolution were again writing fairly similar compositions. They mainly went:
Bonjour! I am (name), a proud member of Les Revolutionaires français. I have one mission in life, and that is to uphold the Republic of France! Dear reader, please do join me in this battle, s'il vous plait? I assure you it is a glorious and justifiable cause.
With the exception of Gavroche, who was again drawing a comic. Being a gamin meant that you weren't exactly literate.
The Language Arts lesson dragged on. Finally Celeborn collected the essays. They were a varied mix from an English thesis (Hermione's) to an anthology of drinking song (Jack Sparrow's) to a poetical comparison of stars to earthbound beings (Arwen's) to Gavroche's comics. Celeborn, perfectly unaware of the horrors waiting to ambush him in that innocent stack of paper, smiled and dismissed the class.
The next lesson was Defence Skills, which was in the gym. The first-year class trudged across the field towards the low building. The moment they were out of the school building, Lili whipped out her handphone and started nattering away.
As she stepped into the spacious gym, something struck her hard on the wrist. Lili gasped as her handphone went flying, inadvertently reaching out for it. However, a hand the size of a shovel snatched it out of the air before her. Lili stared as a veritable giant switched off the phone, snapped it shut and handed it back to her with a politeness that was hard to relate to the man's size.
"No mobile phones," boomed the tall man, smiling down like a shark grinning at a petrified fish fry. He turned to the rest of the class. "I am Domovoi Butler. Welcome to Defence Skills class."
They followed him over the long polished stretch of wooden floor and obediently fell into a straight line in front of him. Butler waited till they were at attention, before speaking again. "In this class, you will learn what you need to know about combat, with weaponry or hand-to-hand. Furthermore, this is the only class in which you are allowed to beat people up, so you are permitted to let loose within the limits of not killing anyone."
Anna thought that was an excellent idea. Cosette began to tremble.
"And today's topic," finished Butler, "is Taekwondo."
What followed was an in-depth instruction on Taekwondo basics – punching, kicking, blocking techniques. Cosette overbalanced twice, Grub five times. Neither Helen nor Lili did very much.
Then came the moment many of them had been waiting for – and many not. "Learning techniques is one thing. Using them on someone else is another." Butler grinned at them again. "Get into groups of three, according to the seating positions in your classroom. I am setting you against your deskmates."
Anna and Van Helsing faced off across a blue gym mat. Carl had wisely decided to shrink into the nearest corner and watched the battle with growing apprehension.
Anna started it. In a flying kick she struck her heel towards Van Helsing's neck. Van Helsing ducked that, and shot his foot out to trip Anna as she landed. Anna stumbled, and he flung her across the mat. Anna regained her balance expertly, flipping to her feet, and launched a series of quick sharp blows, all of which Van Helsing blocked effectively. Anna screamed in frustration and leapt at him, fists at the ready. Van Helsing caught her before she hit him, however, and locked one arm around her neck, strangling her. Anna gasped for air and clawed viciously at his face to make him release her.
"It's not exactly taekwondo, you realise."
Butler was standing over them with a curious expression. Anna hurriedly retracted her hands. Van Helsing hurriedly removed his arm from Anna's neck.
"Some very interesting moves there," observed Butler nonchalantly. "Although, I was teaching you taekwondo. I hope you'll try to stick to that."
Van Helsing and Anna nodded speechlessly. Butler nodded to them and left. Carl emerged from his hiding place. "Will that stop you from trying to kill each other?"
"Don't think it will," snarled Anna.
"I was expecting that," sighed Van Helsing, as he blocked the incoming punch.
Further on, Legolas was pounding Paris into the wall. (As the first-years would later realise, it was testimony to Butler's considerable power that he was able to retrieve the two of them from the sick bay.) Helen might have noticed, but she was at the moment more interested in her nails.
"Had enough, pretty boy?" sneered Legolas, dangling Paris by his hair.
"Let me go!" screamed Paris, whose nose was bleeding.
"Let him go," said a voice from behind them.
Legolas turned. Someone was standing behind him, eyes serious and warning, hands clenched in fists. "Let him go," repeated the intervener.
"Hector..." gasped Paris, "brother...help!"
Legolas dropped Paris and took up a threatening position. "You keep your nose out of my business. Get back to your group."
Hector stood his ground. "If you lay a finger on my brother you will pay."
"And how?" mocked Legolas.
Hector raised his fists and calmly boxed the elf's ears. A few sound blows sent Legolas reeling. He sank to the ground, clutching his head.
"Thanks, Hector," mumbled Paris through his nosebleed.
Without warning, Hector spun around and grabbed Paris by his collar. Pushing his face towards his brother's till they were almost nose-to-nose, Hector hissed: "You are an embarrassment to our family. Get a backbone, Paris. Someday I might get sick of standing up for you when you don't have the guts to do it for yourself." He dropped Paris at Helen's feet and strode back to his own group.
Paris groaned and sat up slowly, bones creaking audibly. Helen raised her eyes from her examination of her nails, looking faintly bemused. "What just happened?"
Elizabeth Swann spun around and aimed a punch at Jack Sparrow, who ducked it easily and caught her arm at the elbow. "You gotta improve on that, darlin'."
"Huh," muttered Elizabeth, twisting away and kneeing Will Turner in the stomach.
"Ow," responded Will. "Try picking on Jack for once, will you?"
"You're easier to hit," retorted Elizabeth, whacking him over the head.
Jack wandered up. "Try fighting back, lad. Clutching your stomach and moaning is not helping, savvy?"
Will decided he might be right, and stepped hard on Elizabeth's foot. Elizabeth shrieked in agony and proceeded to rain a volley of angry blows on Will's shoulders.
"Oh dear," said Jack. "When it comes to women somehow my advice always goes wrong."
Butler, who was watching, sighed and shook his head. His students were getting less Taekwondo and more unorthodox.
"Try a roundhouse kick."
Holly obeyed, leaping up and spinning around, foot connecting with Éowyn's shin. Éowyn tried to grab it and twist, but missed.
"You're not supposed to kick that low," complained Éowyn, rubbing the sore spot. "It's below the belt."
Holly regained her balance. "For someone my height," she retorted, "it's excusable."
Artemis was sitting cross-legged on the edge of the mat, meditating. "Are you going to practise?" Holly wanted to know.
"He doesn't dare," explained Éowyn. "He knows his taekwondo is pathetic."
Artemis opened his eyes. "Quite true," he replied coolly. "And so I will not risk my bodily health over it. I'd like to be left alone, thank you very much." He shut his eyes again and went on meditating.
Five seconds later, Artemis was lying sprawled on the other end of the mat. He had landed headfirst, and hence a large bruise was forming on his forehead. He sat up, wincing. Holly was dusting her hands off and looking self-satisfied. Éowyn was surprised, but not displeased. "Way to go, Holly."
"That was absolutely unnecessary," muttered Artemis, feeling his bruised forehead.
"On the contrary," smiled Holly, "it's all for your own good. Learning self-defence is important." She curled her fingers into a fist. "And you know, lots of practice makes perfect."
At 3.30 pm, it took Butler a long time to prise Holly off Artemis, remove the drunken Grantaire, bring the unconscious Cosette round, segregate Anna and Van Helsing and end the lesson. He had only one comment for them.
"This class is the first one in a long while, for which I think the no-killing-your-fellow-classmate rule is really required."
No one was very sure whether this was something to be pleased or disturbed about.
Butler heaved a sigh and dismissed them. In A&A&A Boarding School, school had ended for the day.
End of ChapterNext chapter coming...Curry and the Company of Heroines