Title: Without You
Author: Writerinthemaking
Email:
Feedback:Greatly appreciated
Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny
Rating: M j- just to be sure.
Summary: CJ and Danny face the lessons of love and life in this mosaic of feelings. The story deals with their long awaited romance, the hidden feelings and how a small misunderstanding and a big change can alter even the strongest love and devotion. However, underneath it all nothing is of course as it seems.
Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional, but there are elements from the real show.
Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing - How am I supposed to live without you is performed by Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995
Authors Note: Some people sing, some people paint and some people write. Writing is like breathing. Essential to my life. This story is one I have been working on for quite a long time. The relationship between CJ and Danny and the conflicts it represents is worthy of it's own show. This story deals with their long awaited romance, the hidden feelings and how a small misunderstanding and a big change can put even the strongest love to the test.
Without You
I could hardly believe it
When I heard the news today
I had to come and get it straight from you
They said you were leavin'
Someone swept you heart away
From the look upon your face I see it's true
So tell me all about it, tell me 'bout the plans you're makin'
Then tell me one thing more before I go
Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I've been lovin' you so long
How am I supposed to live without you
How am I supposed to carry on
When all that I've been livin' for is gone
I didn't come here for cryin'
Didn't come here to breakdown
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end
An how can I blame you
When I built my world around
The hope that someday we'd be so much more than friends
And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming
When even now it's more than I can take
And I don't wanna face the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming
Now that your dream has come true
Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I've been lovin' you so long
How am I supposed to live without you
How am I supposed to carry on
When all that I've been livin' for is gone
By Michael Bolton
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1. Losing You
Sometime during November 05
The rain silently tapped on her bedroom window. A thin line of light from the street lamp outside fell though the slight crack between the curtains. She slowly rolled over and faced the window. She drew the covers closer and let out a long sigh. A car passed outside on the street. As she tossed and turned the numbers on her clock on the bedside table changed from 2.59. to 3.00 am. She tried to stop the tears from running down her cheeks but nothing seemed to help. She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. The tears keep sliding slowly from her lightly closed eyes. Sometime during the next hour she drifted into a dreamless sleep. The sound of the doorbell rose her from her sleep not too many hours later.
She tried to ignore the sound and go back to sleep. She had unhooked the phone sometime last night so no one could get to her. She had eventually tuned off her clock after going crazy from watching the minutes go by without any sleep. She somehow managed to drift off again. The bliss of the darkness would again cloud her thoughts for a couple of hours and she thankfully welcomed the soft darkness.
The smell of something Italian, could be lasagna, brought her back to life. Her stomach could use some food. Something besides the tea and dry toast she had managed to eat in the last couple of days. Turning to take a look at the clock she remembered she had turned it off. She glance back over her shoulder and saw the last rays of the sun setting. She sat up and let out a loud sigh when she realized how heavy her head felt. She felt like taking a shower. She wondered how long she had been sleeping. How many days it had been. Been since he had left. She felt the tears well up and was about to lay back down when she heard someone humming lightly. She suddenly remembered the smell that had awoken her. Who could possibly be here. Only he had a key and she was absolutely sure it wasn't him.
The sound of someone knocking slightly on the bedroom door startled her.
"Come in", she felt both relieved and somewhat embarrassed when she saw the person in the doorway.
The First Lady, Abbey Bartlet stared intensely at the woman in front of her. The younger woman in front of her had dark circles under her eyes, her eyes were red and puffy, from all the crying she presumed, and her auburn hair needed to be washed. She was wearing a worn out men's t-shirt with that looked a little worn out after a couple of days in bed.
"How are you feeling?", Abbey walked over and sat down on the side of the big king size bed.
"What are you doing here?", CJ asked trying to push away all those inevitable questions.
"Carol tried calling you so many times she nearly blocked the line. Leo finally came over and stood outside your door for an hour using all the battery in your doorbell. He came back and said he wanted to break in the door if you didn't call to let anyone know how and where you were. Jed called me and we decided I'd go. Carol found the extra key in your desk." Abbey lightly stroke CJ over her hair as she spoke.
As she spoke tears slowly rolled down CJ's cheeks. She was so happy that they cared this much about her. However, she still felt embarrassed that the First Lady was here taking care of her as if she was a young child. She wasn't used to letting anyone see her at her most vulnerable. Well, no one except him.
"Thank you very much for coming over but I'm going to be fine and..." CJ did her very best to sound convincing but she knew deep down that the First Lady would see right through her.
"Claudia Jean, this is me your friend Abbey. I'm not here as the First Lady. I'm here as your friend. You can drop the act. It's not working. I'm here and I'm not leaving." Abbey Bartlet spoke in her stern doctor – I – know – best - tone, and CJ knew there was no point in arguing.
"Thank you", she wispered and turned her head so her friend wouldn't see the pain in her eyes. Abbey climbed onto the bed and drew her hurting friend into a hug. The two women sat there for a long time. The younger one sharing a bit of her pain with the older and comforting friend. Both of them crying. The younger for her loss, the older for the younger's pain.
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Later when the tears had dried up they went to the kitchen and sat down to eat the lasagna Abbey had made. They small-talked and Abbey presented the news of the day to CJ. They cleared the table and waited for the dishwasher to finish. While they waited Abbey decided to see if she could get CJ to open up a bit. Abbey immediately noticed that CJ was only nibbling on her food, eating more bread than lasagna. She decided not to bug CJ about eating, but she needed to know more about what had happened.
"CJ, what happened?" she immediately saw how her friend tensed up and avioded eye contact.
"CJ, I don't want to push you but I think you should talk to someone about what's going on. If not me then someone else. This is too hard for you to deal with yourself. I've known you for a long time and in all these years I've never seen you hurt like this." Abbey spoke in a soothing voice hoping it would ease things almost desperately hoping CJ would open up, so that she could help her.
"Abbey thank you so much for coming over tonight. It was very nice of you but if you don't mind I would like to go to sleep. I'm very tired..." CJ did her best to sound convincing. She had truly felt better in the last couple of hours but she suddenly felt cornered and was desperately looking for the nearest escape route.
Abbey realized she wouldn't get closer to what exactly had happened but she was determined not to let CJ go back to that bed and cry all night long.
"Okay, I'm not going to push you. I know this must be extremely difficult for you", she stopped momentarily when she saw tears brimming in the eyes of her friend. "CJ I'm gonna stay tonight. I'll take the couch." Watching her friend getting ready to protest she continued "I am not leaving you alone. You might not want to talk now but there is no way I'm leaving you. CJ, for Gods sake you never behaved like this before. I know things are just too hurtfull for you to tell me right now." CJ seemed to ease up a little when she understood her friend would stay. As much as she wanted to go back to her bed and curl up she didn't want her friend to leave. She had come to dread the silence and the loneliness of her own company. She finally nodded and for a short while let herself be convinced that everything was going to be okay.
"Why don't you go take a shower and get ready for bed. I have to call Jed and tell him I'll be staying and then I'll make the couch, okay?" Abbey was already on her way into the living room when CJ realized that she could really do with a nice long shower. She went into the bathroom. Once there she decided on the hot tub instead. She went into her bedroom trying not to look at the bed. The memories of their lovemaking still made her slightly lightheaded and flushed but the sorrow inside her was threatehing to destroy those memories forever. She heard Abbey speaking in the living room but couldn't make out the exact words.
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"Jed I swear, I've never seen her like this. She is devastated. You'll have to get Toby to cover for her for some time. Just tell them she is sick. The flu-season is peaking so hopefully they'll accept that" As Abbey spoke with her husband she looked outside into the cold winter night.
"Mmm... Yes I think so to, that's why I thought I'd stay the night. She shouldn't be alone." Abbey walked over to couch and sat down. She heard CJ walking around on the other side of the wall and her mind drifted to her friend.
"Oh yes, I'm sorry Jed, I'm here...mmm... She's taking a shower right now. Mmmm... and I was just thinking I might like a word with that reporter-boyfriend of hers." Abbey felt so incredibly angry at Danny for doing this.
"No Jed, I'm sure the FBI has better things to do than to look for an top-ass-idiot like him." However, her husband's idea did make her smile. He was so cute. She loved him. The way she felt about him and vice versa, that was the way she thought CJ and Danny felt about each other. She had been so sure he felt that way about CJ. It had taken Danny such a long time to get close enough to her. CJ had always feared being hurt but eventually she had opened up to him. Abbey was quite sure CJ did love him as well. When they looked at each other there was truly profound love mixed with the obvious passion. She suddenly remembered when she had caught them making out in CJ's office one late night. Jed had told her CJ was wrapping up the last things before a big morning brie fing when he got back late that night. She went down to talk to her friend and to tell her to go home and get some rest. She walked down the silent halls and entered the west wing. She was almost by CJ's office door when she heard CJ laughing. Then she saw them. Danny had CJ pinned up against the bookshelf. They were kissing. It looked so innocent but at the same time very passionate. She turned to leave and accidently knocked over a lamp. The two inside the office jumped apart and only got to see the back of the First Lady walking down the hall laughing. She later found out that it truly was the first time their lips had met. CJ had told her that during a lunch some time after.
"Jed I think I have to go. I'll be back sometime tomorrow but I might stay a couple of days. I'm not coming back until she has told me everything. And I've broken Danny's neck." They said their goodbye's and she hung up.
She got up to prepare the couch for the night. She thought of CJ. She hoped she would open up and tell her about what had happened. She mentally kicked herself for being so sure about Danny. That he would never hurt CJ. That he loved CJ. Something very bad had happened.
However, she was still sure that he loved her but then why had he left? It didn't make sense.
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CJ slowly lowered herself into the damp water. She had added some of her favorite bath salt with lilac flavour. She laid back and for the first time in God knows how many days she actually felt good. She lay for a while and no thoughts what-so-ever crossing her mind. She was just about to drift off to sleep when Abbey lightly knocked on the bathroom door.
"CJ", there was just a hint of worried urgency in voice.
"I'm fine Abbey, I'll be out in a little while, okay?" she answered, soundlessly thanking her friend for staying.
"I'll make you some hot tea when you get out, it'll help you sleep" CJ heard Abbey walking away from the door and tried to resume with her thoughtless slumber. But the thoughts were back. She closed her eyes feeling the smoothness of the water covering her. When she closed her eyes she could still smell him on her, his aftershave. She could almost feel his arms craddeling her in her sleep. She felt the tears forming and didn't fight them.
Her thoughts went back to that night six months ago when they had crossed the line between being just friends and becoming something more. More intimate that's for sure.
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Six months earlier – June 05
CJ Gregg stood on the podium giving the summer vacation craving press the latest on the Presidents agenda. She felt tired and slightly uncomfortable. The weather was unusually humid and hot this first week of June. The briefing today was quite short and without any major things. It had been a very slow week. This Friday had not been any different than the last two or three days.
"That's a full lid. See you all in the morning, now go home and enjoy the weather." She gathered her notes. She noticed how several of the reporters actually seemed to follow her suggestion. However her own personal favorite was missing. She left the press room. Carol walked with her and the two women losely spoke as they walked back to her office.
"So next up is a meeting with Leo in 20 minutes, briefing the President and a meeting with a representative from Mert Media. And CJ I hope it would be okay if I went home a little early today because..." Carol said. The first part of her informative speech in her daily –you have to do this next- tone of voice the last part was said in a more nervous way.
"Carol I know your big date is tonight" CJ smiled at her blushing assistant and continued "I think you told me at least ten times these past three days. If you mention it once more you'll have to do overtime. Now tell me where he's taking you", CJ felt a little twinge somewhere deep inside her heart. She sometimes wished she was the one going out on a big date every two weeks like her assistant.
Carol began explaining but CJ found herself no really paying attention. They got to her office and Carol finished her small speech. CJ walked into her office. She closed the door behind her and sat down on her couch with a small sigh. She tossed of her shoes and threw her long legs up on the small table by the couch. She sat back and for the first time in what felt like months but had probably only been days had a minute to herself. She closed her eyes and just sat there for a while.
She was disturbed by a sudden knock on the door. She took a deep breath before answering.
"Yes Carol what is it?" she opened her eyes to the one entering. It was Danny. Her heart skipped a beat and small butterflies gathered in her stomach. The sight of him always made her feel better and somehow desired. They had always had something special but she had never allowed him or even more importantly herself to act on it. It was the obvious interest of conflict. He had just returned from a two week assignment in London. He had called once to reaffirm some numbers but in reality he had called because he wanted to hear her voice.
"Hey you. I come bearing gifts" he said before she had a chance to throw him out. He knew she sometimes wanted him there but threw him out to make a statement. He didn't want today to be one of those days. He had missed her. She looked good, even beautiful. She always did but he did see a hint of exaustion in her eyes. She wore a light blue shirt under a black figure tailored blazer and a quite tight black pincil skirt. One of those that slid up a bit when walking and sitting down. He couldn't quite get his eyes away from her long and slender legs. They were so amazing and beautiful. If he could only...
"Earth to Danny!" CJ called him back from his thoughts. She secretly smiled when she saw his eyes wandering. She liked the fact that he looked at her. And the way in which he did it. No one else hardly did. At least not in that way. But since she had met him she would always feel next to naked when he was around. Sometimes it would be disturbing that he would almost undress her with his eyes but right now it was okay. She had had a hard time admitting to herself that she probably – well she surely had more than just friendly feelings for him. She had missed him. And if these small visits was all they could have for now it would have to do.
"Sorry, I was just thinking how much I like your skirt", Danny said with a slight smile on his face.
"Don't start getting any ideas. Come in and close the door", she put her shoes back on and walked around to her desk and sat down. Making the space between them a security buffer.
He came over and placed a gift bag on her desk.
"One for each of my girls", he said and gave her a heartwarming smile.
She opened Gail's first. It was a Big Ben ornament for her bowl. She then pulled out a small jewellery box. She looked up at him in surprise. He nodded at her reassuringly and gestured for her to open the box.
Inside was a stunning pair of gold earrings.They were small hoops with three small golden leafs hanging from them. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes.
"Danny this is too much. I can't accept this. I mean this is such a nice gift but it comes with obligations I can't fulfill" she looked straight at him while speaking. She wanted to see his reaction. He as well scanning her face for feedback.
"I want you to have these. I want this, whatever this is, to work and I spent the last two weeks figuring out how to make it work. It's going to be..." he was interrupted by her.
"No Danny. I'm so sorry I know I'm not being fair. But that goes for you as well. This is too much and you know it. This, you and me, us or whatever you want to call it. I don't know what this really is. But it can't happen and you know that. Bringing Gail things and presents is okay but not this. People are going to..." this time it was her turn to be interrupted.
"CJ I don't care anymore. I don't care about other people. I care about you and me and us. I know we can make something work. This is something good. Why wont you admit that? Admit that you like me, God damn'it." His voice rose with every new sentence. "CJ I would never hurt you. Please let me in..." when he saw the amazement and tears in her eyes he stopped momentarily to let her in.
"Please keep your voice down" she bluntly told him before continuing "I think you have to go now. I have to go meet Leo in a minute" was all she said.
"CJ I would never hurt you. Please let me in..." when he saw the determined look in her eyes he stopped. He starred at her in surprise. This was not the way he had wanted this day to turn out. He angrily walked away from her and harshly opened the door.
"Why don't you sort out your priorities and get back to me. I'm tired of being your part time friend part time something else" he almost yelled back at her and with that he turned to walk out and almost ran straight into the First Lady who was on her way to CJ's office.
"Excuse me, Mrs. Bartlet" he managed to say before he ran past her and down the hall to the press area.
By the time the First Lady had observed the entire ending of the heated argument and 'till she had told Carol to hold all calls and closed the door behind her as she entered the office, CJ had turned her office chair so that it had its back towards the door and the First Lady.
"Well, and I thought I was going to come down and stir things up a bit on this slow Friday. However, I see you as always managed to make the right arrangements." The First Lady said in a light tone as she walked slowly towards the desk.
"Claudia Jean I thought the two of you had solved this thing a long time ago. Why won't you just let him in. He clearly cares a great deal for you. And to be honest I think you care about him too. And don't tell me that it's because of Leo, Toby or my husband. They all think with their very manly and politically charged brains. You should take some pointers from me and think with your heart and all the irrationality your can get within sight of. Listen to your heart instead of pushing him away all the time. You might end up losing him" The First Lady stopped when she heard CJ break down in sobs.
She quickly walked around and hugged the crying younger woman.
CJ cried for a long time, her head placed on the First Lady's shoulder and expensive Chanel suit. But none of them cared.
"Abbey I don't know how to do all this dating, relationship, lovers, family-thing. It scares me. It scares me that I actually like him that much. But most of all it scares me that he might eventually end up leaving me and I'll just hurt even more" CJ said the last part of the sentence without any tears. She had used them all before.
"I can't promise you that there will no hurting or pain. Ever time you put your heart out there that is what you risk. But you can't stay cooped up in here hiding your heart. And that very feisty reporter of yours might be one of the most honest men you'll every meet. And CJ" The First Lady added as she put a loose stay of CJ's hair behind her ear "I truly think he is the one for you. Don't worry he wouldn't hurt you... he loves you. You can do this just take it one step at the time."
With that the First Lady had done what she thought right. She gave CJ a hug and left her to reconsider all that had happended during the last hour.
She walked out and thanked Carol for not letting anyone disturb them. She ordered that CJ should go home. When she heard about CJ's already very delayed time schedule she sighed.
"Well, at least promise me she'll leave early and won't work too hard", with that she left.
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Several hours later the First Lady greeted her husband with a kiss as he entered their bedroom sometime around midnight.
"I'm sorry I'm so late. Briefing on the healthcare plan tomorrow. I'm so sleepy" with that the President walked over to their bed and suggestively reached for his wife.
"Well, then you should get some sleep" she answered him back in a huskey voice "Everyone's gone home?" she asked as he climbed into their bed.
"Yes, besides CJ she's working on the last lines", he leaned towards her to kiss her but was surpriced when she suddenly got out of be and walked towards her closet.
"Seriously, you men! I told you CJ had to leave early. I talked to her today, she needs rest. And that's an order! I'm going to go tell her to go straight home right now", and with that the First Lady left her husband and walked towards CJ's office.
Meanwhile in CJ's office things were heating up. She had worked late again tonight. But she gladly stayed. It would keep her mind of things. However, she still had time to reconsider and think about what the First Lady had told her. She slowly, very slowly began admitting to herself that Danny meant more to her than some random reporter. She sat there at her desk more or less speaking to herself or Gail when he came to her office.
'Am I crazy? Huh? Should I just give it a shot? I must be going crazy, right?" she said out loud with a small laugh to underline her own situation. Danny rounded the corner and just caught the last of her statement.
"You know who's crazy? I am...", he said while leaning on her doorway. She looked up at him and smiled. She felt so bad for what had happened earlier and she knew she had to make good again.
"Danny, I'm so sorry..." he walked towards her locking eyes with her. Making her stop talking and just look at him. He walked around the desk and learned in.
"Don't be sorry. I know you are scared. It was good you got it our of your system. But you have to understand that I already know we'll end up together", he placed a small piece of paper infront of her. While she read it he walked back and closed the door.
"Daily Horoscope.
Make a move for it.
Things are bound to
Turn out right. If you
Are looking for love look
No further but take a chance
And discover the small pleasures."
The last sentence made her heart begin to pound. She felt a warmt in her stomach somewhat beginning its journey downwards. Danny was now infront of her. He pulled her up into his embrace and for a while they just stod there.
He was thinking of how he should convince her of their perfect match here and now.He knew he would never get a better chance. He kept telling himself. Take it slow and don't scare her. Don't let your emotions and whatever more passionate feelings get the good of you.
She was thinking that this was it. She had to let him in and try this before she refused it. But she felt the fear inside her grow. She felt very open and vulnerable right at this very moment. She very slowly let her guards down. He made her feel safe and loved. His eyes burned through her soul. She shivered when his hands found their way from her back to the sides of her face.
"CJ, let me in" was all he said before he every so slowly leaned in to kiss her. The kiss was very subtle and innocent. She surrendered completely to his slow kisses. He held her in a tight embrace and carresed her hair.
They broke free and looked into each others eyes. He then guided them towards the bookshelf. He pinned her up against it. With one hand he drew her pelvis close to his. She felt his erection press into her stomach and smiled before kissing him once more. He then took her wrists and lifted her arms over her head and held them there as he leaned in for a kiss. He felt her tense up. With her arms over her head she was completely open to him. He saw the withdrawl in her eyes. He let go of her hands and lightly cubbed her face.
"I will never hurt you. Never. CJ I love you!" She sighed at his words and drew him in for another kiss feeling hidden emotions and feelings grow and turn into fullblown butterflies in her stomach. Their kiss grew more and more passionate. He still keep a little distance but she became more confident and pulled him towards her. Their pelvises bumped into each other and they both breathed in sharply. She could feel his hard erection against her thigh and it suddenly made her very aware of the surroundings.
"Danny we can't, I mean, not here", he put a finger to her lips to silence her.
"We wont. We'll take it slow and our first time should truly be an exclusive. No work, no staff and no Gail." he answered her with a grin.
She laughed and they resumed their kissing. Still feeling the heat growing more warm.
Suddenly there was a loud crash. They jumped apart just in time to see the First Lady walking back towards the private residence. She was laughing lightly and just then CJ began laughing again. She suddenly felt so free and happy. She pulled Danny with her out the door.
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Sometime in November 05
CJ awoke in the tub when the water had become cold. She opened her eyes hoping he would be there with her. She knew he wasn't. She looked at the clock on her handwash she had slept for almost 45 minutes. She had to get up. She got up and got into her pyjamas.
When she entered the livingroom she saw Abbey sitting in the couch reading. She joined her under the big bourgundy red plaid. A blanket she had often shared with Danny. They just sat for an hour, sipping hot tea and talking quietly about nothing really. They said goodnight and CJ went back to her bedroom and tried to go to sleep. It took several hours but somehow she managed to fall asleep.
Abbey was up three times that night. She wanted to make sure CJ got some sleep. Surprisingly enough she actually slept all night. Abbey guessed she was so exausted from all the things that had happened during the last week.