Trigger warning: dark chapter, graphic descriptions of rape and self harm. Read with caution.
Amelia POV
"Stop. No please. Don't do this. Please stop. I won't tell anyone just let me go home please. I want to go home.""Shut up.""Please don't do this. I don't want this. You're hurting me please stop."I feel his hands tearing my clothing. He pulls my skirt up and slices my with his knife. He pins me down and shoves something in my mouth to force me to be quiet. He shoves his fingers into me and the pain is unbearable. I try to scream over the fabric but he pulls his fingers out of me and holds his knife to my throat."I thought I told you to shut up."I don't respond to him I can't. I physically can't beg anymore. He starts to unbuckle his belt. I can hear the metal buckle and I know what's coming. I can't see anything because of the tears overflowing my eyes. I feel pain."Good girl."
I wake up in panicked sweat. I can't slow my breathing. There is too much going on in my head. I suddenly nauseous. I can't make it to the bathroom so I jump out of bed and run to the small garbage can in our bedroom. There is just enough light from the street lamp outside the window to see where I'm going. I grab the bin and allow my stomach to release its contents. The bedside lamp flicks on so I know Arizona is awake.
"Amelia, are you okay?" She asks, climbing out of bed and scurrying across the floor. I can't seem to make my mouth work to respond but I think it's evident that I'm not okay.
"I'm going to tie your hair back okay?" Arizona asks and I nod a little, letting her know she can touch me. I feel her fingers gently brush my hair back because putting a tie in loosely. She moves to my side, waiting for me to finish and I reach to grab her arm.
"Okay, it's okay. What do you need?" She asks me and I shake my head, still not able to respond. Arizona carefully removes my grip on her wrist, replacing it with her hand, gently stroking my own with her thumb.
"Thank you." is the first thing I manage to say to my girlfriend. Not 'I'm sorry for waking you' like usual, just thanking her for being there.
"Can you tell me what you need?"
"Water, please." I reply and Arizona crawls to get my bottle from the bedside cabinet. It's only now I realise she hasn't got her leg on but she doesn't complain. It's rare to see her without it when there is no sex involved. She removes the cap from the bottle and passes the drink to me. I take a few sips, trying to remove the taste of vomit from my mouth before passing it back.
"Are you ill or was it a nightmare?" Arizona asks and I realise that the only time I've thrown up from a nightmare around her have been when I woke her up by sleep talking. I look into her eyes, tears filling in my own and she knows. I can see she knows. "I'm sorry." She says quietly, not having anything else to say.
"It's not your fault. He hurt me, not you." I say quietly.
"I know, I just wish I could take your pain away."
We sit there for a while, Arizona's hand gently combing through my hair, letting me know she isn't moving. "Is there anything I can do?" she asks once my tears have begun to subdue.
"I can still feel him. His hands are everywhere, his breath on my neck. I can feel him on me." I reveal with a shaky voice, trying my hardest to hold myself together. "I erm, I want to shower if that's okay." I see Arizona's body tense at the question and I look up to see what's going on.
"Are you going to hurt yourself?"
"I don't know yet." I answer honestly before asking a question in return. "Could you stay in the bathroom with me? I don't want to be alone."
"Of course. Do you want to shower now?" Arizona asks me and I nod my head. She crawls over to the edge of the bed, putting her leg on to allow her to stand. She takes my hand in hers and leads the way.
"Amy, I'm not sure where you want me." Arizona says as I lock the bathroom door. I take a deep breath and think things over, I actually hadn't planned this far in advance.
"Could you just turn around? I erm, I'm leaving my underwear on but I uh, I just."
"It's okay. You don't need to explain. Am I okay here?" My girlfriend asks and I flick my eyes to see where she is at. She is perched on the edge of the toilet seat, facing away from the shower.
"Yeah. That's fine. You're fine."
I remove my tank top I had been wearing to sleep in and turn on the shower to heat up. I don't remove my bra or panties when I step into the water, I'll just put them straight into the wash after the shower.
"I'm sorry I woke you up." I say to Arizona to relieve some of the tension.
"Don't worry about that right now. Just focus on you now okay?"
"I can't. When I think about me, I think about him." I tell Arizona honestly as I turn turn the heat up higher, needing to wash him away.
"He doesn't define you Amelia. I know it feels like that sometimes but he doesn't."
"He gets into my head. He will always be in my head." I say, the words coming out a little louder than planned. The tears that had been building in my eyes starting to overflow. I try to wipe them away but they keep flowing. I give up and let them keep falling. I let my emotions overflow as I scrub him from my skin and my sobs begin once again.
"Amelia, can I turn around? Please?" Arizona begs. I can see her getting restless with worry. "Amelia, I don't want you to hurt alone, please let me turn around.
"Ok." I say in a tiny voice, granting her permission and she almost immediately has me wrapped in a towel and sat on the floor in her arms.
I don't want to feel vulnerable like this. No matter how many times this has happened, there is no getting used to it. Arizona has one arm wrapped around my body, holding me close to her. Her other arm is gently caressing my hair as I rest my head on her chest. "You're going to be okay. Everything will be okay." My girlfriend says quietly enough to be calming but loud enough I can hear every word. "Just breath. I've got you. You're safe." She continues, keeping me close to her side. I feel my breath quiver but I hold myself together taking life one second at a time.
"It's been a long time since you've had a nightmare this bad. You want to talk about it?" Arizona offers.
"I- it erm- same old I uh, just couldn't wake up."
"I wish I could take it all away from you." Arizona tells me. It's not the first time she has said this but we both know she can't. But she loves me, that's one thing that has never changed.
"I'll be okay. I mean, it's hurts right now, but a lot of the time you make the hurt go away."
"I'm glad. Just keep breathing."
"I am. I'm okay. I want to finish showering, I can still feel him." I reveal and Arizona nods slightly and wipes my tears from my face.
"Mom, Amy, are you in there?" I hear through the door. Sofia must have woken up and neither of us were in bed.
"I'm okay. Go see to her." I tell Arizona. Sofia needs to come first.
"Okay. I'm just out here if you need anything." Arizona tells me, shutting the door on her way out.
Once she is gone I take a deep breath. A part of me is glad because I know I am going to cut, I've known since we entered the bathroom and I know how painful it would be for the both of us if she were here. I take my blade from the container on the top shelf, already feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt for my actions. I step back into the shower, blade in hand. I still have my underwear on but I don't care. I would rather have it on. I feel safer.
It has been over two weeks since I last resorted to my blade, something I had grown increasingly proud of. I'm not happy to be resorting to this. I'm ashamed and angry. It's difficult to explain. I don't want to do this, I need to. I need to feel the control over my actions. I need the pain to go away. It's not a choice I want to make, it's just I'd rather cut than lose my sanity, than turn back to the drugs. It's the lesser of two evils.
I drag the tool across my thigh and immediately feel the release of all the built up pain. I make another cut, then another, each time feeling calmer and in more control. The feeling of pain no longer, now just a sense of disappointment. Silent tears fall down my cheeks as I fall slowly against the wall until I'm sat on the shower floor. I try to scrub the remainder of my body of the clean of the remaining memory of his essence but slowly begin to feel light headed. My body is overwhelmed with a sense of calm and everything goes dark.
Pain. I feel pain. I blink my eyes awake to see I'm still on the bathroom floor, there is blood still dripping from my legs. Shit. I need to clean this up now. Sofia is still in the apartment. I grab a towel and push it down onto my legs but the dizziness starts again.
"Arizona" I mumble trying to get her attention but I know it's not loud enough. "Arizona." I say a little louder and I hear footsteps outside the door.
"Amy are you okay?" I hear Sofia's voice say quietly.
"Sof honey, could you get your mom please? Tell her I need yellow box supplies?" I explain, trying to disguise the real problem, keeping the conversation calm trying not to alert and worry the girl.
A few moments later Arizona is knocking on the door. "Amelia, can I come in?"
"Az it's bad. I need help." I say quietly, just loud enough for her to hear through the door. The door opens and closes, I feel her coming to sit beside me and take over pressing the towel down to slow the bleeding. I can't look at her, I can't look her in the eyes knowing what I've done. I just sit there and wait for it to be over.
"Amelia what happened? I thought you were okay?"
"I'm not okay. I don't think I'll ever be okay."
"Hey, hey, don't say that. It's okay, we are going to be okay. Lets get you cleaned up, I'm going to stitch these cuts for you alright?"
I don't say much else to Arizona while she is in doctor mode. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of my actions, I hate that I've fallen back on this again. It's been over two weeks, I was doing well, and now I've failed, again. Silent tears continue to fall down my face but I don't move. I'm trapped in my own thoughts. I hate that he still has this control over me, and I hate that Arizona has to put up with this. She deserves more that me, somebody who isn't broken and can hold thermals together, somebody stable who doesn't need so much care. But I'm what she chose. I'm who she chose. I need to be better for her.
"Amelia honey, let's get you dressed. We need to take Sofia to school and I don't want to leave you alone."
"You have work. You need to go."
"You're more important than work. I can call in sick, Alex can cover for me.
"You can't just not go to work because of me. There are more important people in the world than me. They deserve your help." I tell Arizona firmly but she just stops all actions and places her hands on my shoulders.
"You and Sofia are the most important people to me. Maybe my patients do deserve my help, but Alex can cover for me, they're going to get help anyway. Today, you come first."
"But your patients-"
"Will be fine. You are not fine. And think of your patients. What happens to all the patients that you haven't saved yet. Your patients need you to be okay. I need you to be okay. We all need you to be okay."
"But I'm not okay."
"I know. I know. Come here." Arizona instructs, holding her arms out for a hug.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you I just wanted it all to stop." I explain to Arizona, my tears building more and more. Instead of verbally responding, Arizona pulls me in tighter holds me as close as she can.
"You're okay. Deep breaths. You're going to be okay. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but I believe you can get through this. I love you."
"I love you too."
"Come on. Let's take our daughter to school."
Arizona POV
"Do something. Stop sneaking around like I'm going to break. Do something. Yell at me, take away my blades, anything. Please. Just do something." Amelia yells at me. Tears are streaming down her face and I know she is in pain, I'm just not sure what to do about it.
"Amelia stop." I try to tell her but she keeps speaking over me.
"No. I know you're mad. I just need you to do something." She spits at me.
"I'm not mad at you Amelia." I state simply and she flicks her eyes up to glare at me.
"You should be mad at me. I deserve it." Amelia says harshly.
"I think you're more mad at yourself than I am at you. I'm worried about you, but I'm not mad. Come sit down, let's talk this out. What do you need?"
"I don't know what I need." Her angry cries turn into quiet, heart wrenching sobs.
"Do you really want me to take your blades away?" I ask. Her statement earlier having caught my attention.
"I don't know. Maybe?"
"Don't you think you would be more stressed if you couldn't find them?"
"Maybe. Or maybe it just wouldn't be an option anymore. Or you could keep them, that way if it's really bad I could ask for them back." Amelia sobs, looking into my eyes. She is desperate.
"I'm scared Amelia. I'm scared if I take them you could resort to another blade, something sharper or more dangerous. I can't lose you. I just can't."
"I know. I erm, maybe we could discuss this with Anne at my appointment in a few days? She might have some ideas." Amelia suggests and I nod. It is a sensible thought but it doesn't make me less scared of the process. I know I should be happy she wants to stop, and I am, I just need to make sure we go about this in the right way.
"That sounds good."
We lay down on the couch, I hold my girlfriend as close to me as possible and we just relax. I'm scared, and Amelia is hurting, but we have each other. We make each other feel a little stronger, a little safer. Amelia drifts in and out of sleep for several hours but as tired as I am, I make sure to stay awake for her. After her nightmares last night, I want to be able to wake her before things get too bad.
Surprisingly, Amelia doesn't seem to have any dreams that were too upsetting. Maybe her sleep wasn't deep enough, but it was something. "Az? Are you awake?" Amelia mumbles quietly from the position she is in on my chest.
"Mhmm, what's up?" I ask nonchalantly, not wanting to trigger any hard feelings.
"Would you mind if we went out for a bit?"
"That depends. Where do you want to go?"
"To talk to Derek. I know it's stupid, and he probably can't hear me but sometimes I just go to his grave and talk for a bit, or sit with him. It helps." She tells me, pulling her arms around her chest, clearly feeling vulnerable. She doesn't really talk about her time out when she goes to the grave yard, I always just presumed she wanted to be alone.
"Sure. We have to pick Sofia up in a little over an hour, is that enough time or do you want me to ask Meredith or Maggie to pick her up?"
"That'll be long enough, I'm sure. I don't like asking my sisters to help out too often."
When we get to the grave yard Amelia is clearly more relaxed. I hesitate before getting out the car, unsure if Amelia wants to be alone but she comes to my door and reaches out her hand. She wants me to be there with her. I carefully climb out, accepting her hand in my own.
"I've never been here before." I tell Amelia quietly.
"I never brought you. I didn't know if it would be weird."
"It's not weird. He was your brother and my friend. It's more weird that I've never been him. We worked together for years. We survived hell together."
"Why haven't you?"
"At first I just, I couldn't bring myself to. Then the more time that passed the harder it was. I don't know."
"You didn't have to come y'know?" Amelia says with a nervous smile.
"I know. But you're hurting and I love you too much to let you hurt alone."
"You hear that Derek?" Amelia says with a smug smile, "She loves me. She is crazy about me. She won't leave me alone. It's a little stalkerish if you ask me but it's okay coz I love her too." She continues and I shake my head.
"You're lucky I love you. I wouldn't let just anyone bully me like that." I tease back, feigning offense.
"You hear that Derek? I get special treatment because she loves me too much." Amelia says, a little louder this time. "I know you were always quick to judge the people I dated, normally you disapproved of them, but I honestly think you would like Arizona and I together. She's good for me Derek. She is helping me. I know I'm still a little broken, well, a lot broken but Arizona is putting me back together. I miss you like mad but she takes away some of the pain." She explains and I wipe away a tear that is beginning to form in her eye.
"I know I can never do as good of a job as you did Derek, but I'm trying to look after her. I'll do everything in my power to help her, I promise." I say aloud. I'm not sure if I believe in the afterlife, but I know Amelia does. If there is even the slightest chance that Derek really can hear us, it's worth it.
"We have to go pick Sofia up from school now Derek, but I'll be back soon." Amelia says after a small while. She places a small drawing down next to the grave, a stone on the corner to hold it down. "I love you Derek." She continues before taking her hand in mine.
"Let's go get our daughter."