Title: Without You
Author: Writerinthemaking
Email: Greatly appreciated
Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny

Rating: M
Summary: CJ and Danny face the lessons of love and life in this mosaic of feelings. The story deals with their long awaited romance, the hidden feelings and how a small misunderstanding and a big change can test even the strongest love.
Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional, but there are elements from the real show.
Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing - How am I supposed to live without you is performed by Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995

Authors Note: On with the story. I hope you llike it...

3. Changes

The end of October 05

She had never felt this tired before. Every night when she came home she would almost be asleep before she could drag herself to bed. Danny was so nice, he would always just hold her and let her sleep. In the mornings she would feel like her body weighed a thousand pounds. Danny would have to gently wake her again and again. She guessed it was because of the stressfull weeks following their Europe and then Asian tour.

This Friday night she came home to a living room filled with lit candles. Danny had made dinner and they actually had an entire night together. They talked, danced a bit before moving to the bedroom where they made slow and passionate love.

CJ treasured their lovemaking. She felt so protected and safe with Danny which was why she totally surrendered to him and his kisses. She came several times every time they made love and lately she had been even more turned on by him than she had ever been. Danny loved to watch her as she reached her climax. Their hands would be entwined and her ragged breath and the sound of his name when she cried out in exstacy was so incredibly amazing. But lately he had worried about her. She was so tired all the time. Tonight was the first time in two weeks they had made love and she had only been home so early because he had called both Josh and Carol to let them know how exaushed CJ was. He had noticed she had even lost some weight in the last couple of weeks. However, Carol had already noticed and had done her best to plan this Friday so CJ could go home early and have a night off for once.

"CJ are you feeling okay?" Danny asked slowly tracing circles on her stomach.

"Mmm, it feels great" she answered in a relaxed voice.

"I mean, you've been so tired lately and I think you have to eat more. You're so thin. I'm worried about you, don't you think you should go see your doctor?" Danny asked in a concerened but caring voice.

Something in the back of CJ's mind knew he was right but she chose to ignore that little voice. Despite of the fatiguée she had never felt more at ease with herself and her body. This had all changed for the better when she had gotten involved with Danny and even though she knew she had lost a few pounds she just ignored it, thinking it was stress and bad eating habits.

"Danny I'm fine it's just a bit of stress. Don't worry, and being with you is the best medicine for that" she smiled and turned her head to kiss him.

Danny could sense there was something else there. It seemed like she was trying to hide something.

"Are you absolutely sure you're fine? It seems like you're sort of hiding something from me?" he asked gently trying to keep her eyes in lock.

" Okay I admit that lately I have been feeling extraordinarily tired. However there has been so many changes in my life lately and when we took office back in 1999 I remember feeling this way for a long time. My body just needs time to adjust. Mainly I guess I might lack quite a lot of sleep at the moment but I am willing to sacrifice my sleep to be with you and be this happy." She answered him. Danny kissed her and let her roll over on her side so her back was to him. He pulled her in and gently held her as he fell asleep.

CJ lay away most of the night thinking. She knew that everything was definately not alright. She was late, something that had never happened before. Not even when they took office would her body fail to remind her she was still a woman once a month. She had realised she was late ealier today.

Earlier that day

Josh and Donna were in CJ's office when she came back from her morning briefing. It was quite a slow morning so she had hoped to get some rest before she had a senior staff meeting in 30 minutes but when she saw the two in her office she knew that plan was out the window.

"Hey guys" she walked in and sat down.

"CJ you have to help us" Donna began but was soon interrupted by Josh.

"We made a bet and we need you to solve it" they both looked at her with eager faces. She sighed putting her hands to her neck and gently massaging it.

"Josh is sure that it's been seven weeks since he last had a night off. But I'm sure it's only been six weeks because..." Donna started to explain in a hurry.

"Wait, why do you want me to solve this, when you might as well look it up yourselves?" CJ was getting slightly tired of listening to the two always in some sort of humorous fight.

She pulled her dayplaner out of her purse and flipped it open.

"Josh the last time you had a night off was, oh let me just see, six weeks ago when you went to your niece's christening. I'm sure I remember that correctly because you left me with a huge bunch of exciting reading on tree-planting in american cities under the size of 20.000." Donna laughed trimphingly and Josh looked like he was ready to rip his own hair out.

"You owe me a big basket of beligian chocolates" Donna lightly punched Josh on the arm.

"Yeah and you owe me some more time off from you!" Josh mockingly replied.

"You both owe me some peace and quiet" CJ said a little too harsh. They both starred at her in surprice and began to walk backwards towards the door.

"Sorry guys, I'm just very tired. Have fun with the chocolates and Donna save some for me will you?" she finished off in a softer tone and saw them nodd before they quickly were out the door.

She leaned back in her chair and was about to pick up the phone when something caught her eye. She put down the phone and pulled her dayplaner towards her opening it wide.

She began counting tapping a pen on each fan of paper as she turned them. Then she looked up tears forming in her eyes. She recounted just to be sure and then closed her calender. This couldn't be true. She was late. She was never late. Panic started to form as a knot in her stomach. She was on the pill but she her last perscription was late and they had used a condom a couple of times before she had a chance to go call her doctor. She was almost sure they had remembered it everytime and... Suddenly she knew why she was late. Around seven weeks ago he had woken her one morning with slow kisses, tracing his fingers up her body. They had made love and yes they had not used a condom. She remembered thinking they had to remember it, but had then been blinded by their lovemaking and somehow they had forgotten, being use to being protected by the pill. How could she have so stupid? She felt tears fall from her eyes down her cheeks and didn't bother to wipe them away.

She picked up the phone to call her doctor.

"Doctor Andersons office may I help you?"

"This is CJ Gregg could I speak to Dr. Anderson?" CJ and Millie Anderson had known each other for a long time. They were more like friends than doctor and patient. Due to CJ crazy schedule she usually went to see Millie after opening hours.

"CJ?"

"Hi Millie I wondered if you had an opening for me sometime in the nearest future." CJ felt somewhat embarressed to make this call. She wasn't absolutely sure if she was right, but she was unsure enough to have it checkked.

"I have a time tomorrow evening around 7.45. pm. I have to stay in late anyway to prepare for my next medical conference. Is there anything in particular you wanted me to look at?" Millie had sensed CJ's reluctantness the moment she picked up the phone. Usually CJ was only in to get a new perscription for more birthcontrol pills or she would come for her quarterly physical which her job obliged her to. She had just recently had her perscription renewed and her physical was not due for another month so she wondered what would be CJ's reason for calling.

"Well... I guess, but I'm not entirely sure either, but better safe than sorry right?... "CJ began explaining but couldn't quite word it out.

"Claudia Jean are you okay?" Millie was getting worried. She was use to this strong, independent woman who never had a problem stateing anything. And now it seemed as if CJ didn't even know how to express herself in words.

" Millie... I'm late and I guess I wanted to make sure that everything was alright" CJ finally blurted out still seeming a bit unsure of how to say it.

"CJ that's great! Did you take any home pregnancy tests?" Millie stopped sensing that CJ didn't seem as thrilled as she did. She knew CJ had become involved with Danny. She had known for a while and she was only happy that they would start a family. She knew having a child was not at the top of CJ's list, but she was sure she'd make a wonderful mother and Danny was the one for her, she was sure of that.

"Pregnancy test?" CJ hadn't even though about that. Everything seemed to zoom in on her right at that moment as the realities of her possibly being pregnant really hit her.

"CJ it's going to be alright. Have you spoken to Danny yet? Maybe he wants to join you tomorrow?" Millie could feel that CJ wasn't exactly bouncing of the walls from happiness. She would even guess CJ was scared and confused at the moment.

CJ sat in her chair cluthing the phone in her hand. Being pregnant was the last thing she had on her mind at the moment. She sat there just listening to Millie's reassurances until Carol knocked on the door to let her know her senior staff meeting was about to begin. CJ quickly ended the conversation and promised to be there at 7.45. pm. the next day.

Carol immediately noticed CJ had been crying. She came in and walked over to the desk as CJ gathered the files and papers she was bringing to the meeting.

" CJ are you alright?" Carol asked in a soft voice. She also knew about Danny and CJ, and was extremely happy for the two. Finally CJ had fully let Danny into her world, her mind and her life.

"I'm fine Carol and I'm supposed to be meeting the others right now" CJ quickly walked by Carol avoiding her stare and soon joined the others in the Oval office.

--------------------------

November 05

"CJ, you have to tell him!" Abbey reached over and grabbed CJ's hand.

"Abbey he doesn't want children and he doesn't want me" CJ pulled her hand back. She had never felt worse. She missed Danny so much. She felt empty inside and everytime something reminded her of him she felt her heart sank.

Abbey was completely clueless. Danny did want CJ and the baby. She was sure of that. So why hadn't CJ not told Danny about her pregnancy and what had really made him leave.

"CJ what happened? Please tell me" Abbey begged CJ.

"It doesn't matter. He is never coming back. And every day it feels like I'm dying a bit more inside. I miss him so much I can't breath. Abbey help me" CJ sounded desperate and her voice broke at the end of the sentence.

"CJ I'm going to be here for you for as long as you need me. But I need to know what happened. Something terrible must have set this off. Or he would never have left. CJ he loves you" As Abbey spoke she saw tears well up in CJ's eyes.

The got up and went to the living room where they sat down on the couch. CJ decided to tell Abbey what had happened on that dreadful night three weeks ago.

... TBC in chapter 4 Broken Dreams