Well, it's been a while since I updated - sorry about that. Anyways, enjoy.
Amelia POV
I haven't slept well at all. I've never been comfortable having a lot of contact with others while I sleep. It normally brings up too many nightmares. Sleeping alone, even if I'm in Arizona's bed, the lack of contact offers me a little control over my sleep. It 's usually something Arizona is okay with, she understands the problem, but she is hurting. She needed this, she needed the comfort of being safe in my arms and I am willing to do anything to help her. I have slept maybe a few hours in total, I keep waking up in a mildly panicked state before remembering what is happening. It's nothing too bad, I'm not having panic attacks and I don't feel the need to hurt myself, it's just an uneasy feeling. I am scared that if I do go back to sleep, that it's going to get worse, that it will cause a panic attack, or wake Arizona. She wouldn't forgive herself if I had a panic attack because I was trying to do what was best for her. Instead of going back to sleep, I reach for my phone, seeing it's a little after 6am. I collect my headphones, plugging them in with my free arm and put some music on while I wait for my girlfriend to wake. I know I'm not going to be able to go back to sleep.
Around an hour later Arizona begins to stir, twisting her body to lay her head on my chest. "Good morning." I say quietly, stroking my fingers through her hair.
"I don't know about good, but it's definitely morning." Arizona mumbles and I let out a small laugh.
"Glad to see your sense of humour is still in tact. How you feeling?" I ask lightly, trying to make sure my tone stays as gentle as possible considering how vulnerable and uncomfortable she felt last night.
"Crappy, but slightly less crappy than last night. Slept better than I thought I would though."
"I'm glad. Not that you're feeling crappy, but that you slept okay."
"It's okay. I got what you meant. I've never noticed how comfy you are to lean on, how come we don't sit like this more often?"
"Because I discovered the secret of using you as a pillow first. But now you've discovered it we may have to take turns to keep it fair." I offer lightheartedly, but don't get much of a response. "What do you need?" I follow up, trying to keep her in conversation.
"You. I just need you to be here."
"I'm not going anywhere." I assure her.
"And also a shower I guess."
"I'm sure we can figure that out."
I pass Arizona her crutches, clearing a path to the bathroom. "You still want help?" I offer, leaving the option open to her.
"Yeah please. I'm sorry it's awkward, I know you didn't sign up for helping your disabled girlfriend shower." Arizona mumbles, refusing to face toward me.
"Hey, Arizona, it's okay. Look at me, it's absolutely fine, I really don't mind helping. What do you need?" I ask, placing a hand gently on her upper arm.
"To go back in time and not lose my leg."
"I wish I could do that for you, but unfortunately time travel doesn't exist yet, unless there is something you haven't told me. So what else can I do?"
"If I use my arms on the sides of the shower to stay balanced, could you wash my hair please?" Arizona asks quietly, I don't think I've ever heard her sound this vulnerable.
"I can absolutely do that. Are you okay with me taking my clothes off? I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"The situation is already uncomfortable, you're not going to make it worse, I promise." Arizona says quietly.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
I turn on the shower before getting undressed. Arizona undresses herself before I help her into the shower. I make sure she is balanced before beginning to wash her hair. I try not to take too long, knowing that she is uncomfortable, and that her leg will start to ache soon. I keep talking, about everything and nothing, making sure she is not spiraling. Arizona normally appears to be a very confident individual, but when it comes to anything regarding her leg she becomes extremely anxious. I learned when we first started dating to be cautious around the topic, not wanting to upset her. Arizona see's her lack of leg as something fundamentally 'wrong' with her. I understand why, I understand that feeling, it's one I've had many times throughout my life about a range of things, but it's never once affected the love I feel for this woman. She is kind, and caring, supportive and the most loving person I've met in my life. Her lack of a leg could never change that. Never.
"I'm just washing your conditioner out now. You still okay there?" I ask, making sure that she isn't going to fall and that she doesn't need anything.
"I'm okay. Starting to ache a little."
"I'll be as quick as I can."
Once I have finished with Arizona's hair I help her out of the shower and to sit on the toilet seat to dry off. "Am I okay to wash my hair quickly while you dry off or do you need help?"
"You can shower, I'll just get dried." Arizona says and she sounds confident in her decision. I step back into the shower, making quick work of washing myself. Normally I would be embarrassed being naked in this situation, but I find myself more worried about my girlfriend than concerned about my body. It doesn't take me long to be out of the shower and wrapped in a towel.
Arizona is still in the bathroom with me, she doesn't seem to be paying attention to anything though, her eyes are staring into the middle of nowhere and she is thinking. I kneel down next to her and gently wipe a tear that rolls down her cheek. "What's going on in your mind?" I ask my girlfriend, picking up her folded t-shirt and pulling it over her head before removing the towel still wrapped around her. She looks at me, but doesn't respond verbally, instead she just takes my hand in hers. "Come on, let's go sit in on the bed, it'll be more comfy." I explain, reaching to pass her her crutches and wiping the floor quickly, making sure she isn't going to slip. I stay right behind her, making sure she is steady until she sits down. I get my clothes for the day, putting my underwear and my t-shirt on before sitting down next to her. I take the towel that was around Arizona's body and begin to slowly rub her hair dry, getting out as much of the water as possible to make it easier to blow dry.
"What's your plan today?" I ask Arizona to interrupt the silence. I know when I am having a bad day, when the room is quiet is when I go to the darkest places.
"Go to the beach, sit for a bit. I always go to the same ice cream place, it was Tim's favourite."
"Do you want to go alone or do you want me to join?" I ask openly. This is something she has always done alone and I don't want to force myself into the situation. Sure I would feel better if she allowed me to come along, I would be there for her and not unknowingly worrying about her because I don't know what's going through her mind.
"I invited you here to come with me. I don't expect you to just sit in the hotel room all day." She states bluntly.
"I just didn't know if this was something you needed to do alone, I wouldn't have minded just being here to support you after. But if you want me to come, I'm more than happy to."
"I want you to come. I know I normally do this alone, but now you're here I really don't want to be left alone."
"Then I'll come with you."
The hotel is only a small walk away from the beach. I follow Arizona, she knows exactly where she is going, leading me through small alleyways until I can see the sand. I offer her my hand to hold, an offer she quickly accepts and we continue walking. In Seattle we tend not to show our affections publicly, it's not that we are hiding our relationship, people know, we just don't feel the need to tell the world. Yet, while we are here in a different city, nobody knows us, and Arizona is hurting, so if offering her a hand to hold makes the situation a little less painful then it's an easy choice.
I can tell Arizona is hurting, but I know she needs to do this. She has covered up her hurt with a masked smile and we are going about her dayas though it's any other.
"I love the beach. I miss that sound." I. Say to break the silence. I figure that when she wants to talk about herself, and Timothy, she will bring it up on her own. For now, talking about my life is a safe discussion zone.
"You miss it?"
"Yeah. A lot of crappy stuff happened in LA but I do miss living right on the beach."
"Right on the beach? Seriously?"
"Yeah. Walk down a few steps from the decking and you're on the sand. You could hear the waves from inside and it was just comforting."
"Was this when you lived with Addison?"
"Yeah, and Sam. He lived next door to Addie and I moved in with him for a bit."
"Who was Sam?"
"A doctor at the practice, and he was friends with Derek and Mark and Addie when they were younger. When I found out about Christopher, I didn't want to be around Addie, it hurt too much, so I moved in with him for a bit. But he also had the beach which was nice."
"What was the practice like? Was it a part of the hospital or?"
"Not exactly. The practice had equipment for tests and stuff, but it was just a small clinic area. They had Cooper for paeds, Sam for Cardio, Violet and Sheldon for shrinks, Addie and jake did fertility and pregnancy stuff, I did neuro obviously. Pete was alternative medicine until he died. Charlotte is a sexologist at the practice, but also the chief of staff at the hospital next door and we all kinda worked there too." I explain.
"That sounds amazing, it's like you were all a family. Working there must have been very different than Grey-Sloan."
"It was, it was more intimate and just, I don't really know. But it was definitely like a family. The location just topped it off."
"Do you think I could meet them one day?"
"Maybe one day. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go back there, too many memories y'know?"
I pick up a small stone, throwing it gracefully toward the water to let it bounce. I spent too much time in LA learning how to do it, it's nice to know I've still got the skill.
"Tim used to skim stones, I could never do it."
"I'm sorry. I won't do it again." I offer, giving her hand a quick squeeze. Arizona bends down to pick up another stone and hands it to me.
"Teach me how?" She asks with a small smile and I loosen my grip on her hand to walk around. I change her grip, showing her how to move her hand at the right angles. When she makes her first throw it bounces once before sinking.
"Okay, go again but flick your wrist faster, like this." I explain demonstrating again.
"How'd you do that? That was like, six bounces."
"I've had lots of practice, I would skim stones while I was thinking. Go again?" I instruct, and I see her reach down to choose another. She throws it again, this time getting three bounces and I see a real smile sneak onto her face. It doesn't last long, but it's there.
"You're still better than me."
"I have had plenty of practice. You will get there."
"I don't know. Are you hungry? I always go to the same place for lunch."
"Sure."
We haven't been back at the hotel for long when Arizona's phone starts to ring. She quickly glances at the screen before placing it face down without answering.
"Everything okay?" I ask glancing toward the still vibrating device.
"It's my dad. This must be the 5th time he's called today, you would think he would have got the message by now."
"I'm sure he's just worried about you. Why don't you want to answer?"
"He will call to say he is checking in. He won't mention Tim's name, nor state that he's worried that I'm upset about his death. He will keep it simple with the typical 'Hi honey, just checking in', he will act like it's any other day, and the minute I bring Tim up he will try to change the subject. He's a good Dad, he's a good person, I just don't want to talk to him, not today."
"I get that, but maybe that's just his way of protecting himself from the pain."
"It's like he went from having two kids to just having one, and he didn't even look back at what he lost."
"You both lost a huge part of your life, you're just coping in your own ways. I know it's not exactly what you need today, but maybe its about what he needs."
"What do you mean?"
"I always hated it when Derek would check in on me on the anniversary of my dad's death. He wanted to talk about Dad, and I wasn't ready. But still, hearing Derek's voice reminded me that I still had someone."
"I don't understand."
"I can imagine that if I were your Dad, I would just want to hear your voice, but maybe talking about Timothy hurts too much, especially today. If I were your dad I think that I would be scared that you were hurting alone, and that knowing you are safe would be reassuring."
"I get that, but just for a moment, could you pretend to be me instead of him. Could you think about what I'm going through?"
"If I were you, I could imagine that avoiding the situation would hurt more, and make it feel like his memory was being forgotten. If I were you, I think I would just want to be held, and to be able to talk about my brother."
"Thank you. I'll text him to say I call him tomorrow. I don't think I can talk to him today." Arizona says simply, her tears beginning to flow down her face. I open my arms for her to lay in and she immediately begins to fall apart.
"You are not alone okay? I've got you, and you're not going through this alone. And you can talk to me about your brother whenever you want."
Arizona's sobs gradually begin to ease. She doesn't move from her position in my arms, but I start to feel her body relax into the comfort I'm offering.
"Callie told you about Tim's uniform being a trigger for me, but did she say anything else?" Arizona asks me and I see her using her sleeve to wipe her tears.
"No, she barely told me that. What about it?" I respond in the the most caring but neutral tone I can find.
"It's what he was wearing the last time I saw him. We didn't know exactly when he was going to have to leave. He was waiting for a call. It was fine, I was ready, or at least I thought I was. He had been training for it, and I was proud of him. I had it planned out in my mind that I would take him to wherever he needed to go, an airport or to meet with the other guys, just wherever he needed to go and we would say a proper goodbye, but uh, he woke me up at 3am saying he got the call and someone was waiting outside. He stood over my bed in his uniform, he even had the hat on, I have no idea why. I got about a 5 second hug and he was gone. I never saw him again. He was here, and then he was gone. "
"I'm sorry."
"He was so proud in his uniform, proud to be serving his country. But I just, he died in it. Tim my brother wore jeans and baggy tshirts. Tim the soldier wore that uniform. It's stupid really."
"Nah, it's not stupid. It actually makes quite a bit of sense. I have weirder triggers, seriously." I offer with a small smile, wrapping my arm around her side.
"Like what?" Arizona asks me, and I contemplate my response. Whatever I say here she is going to want to discuss. I flick through my options in brain before deciding on a response.
"The word gorgeous." I state with a cringe. "The word in general makes me uncomfortable, but being called it just, I erm, I can't cope with that.."
"I compliment you all the time and you've never complained." Arizona says, sounding slightly concerned.
"It's not the compliment, it's the word in general. Synonyms are fine, and that word doesn't seem to be one you use so I just, didn't have to bring it up."
"Any others I should be aware of?"
"Have you ever noticed that I never pay using cash? I always use my card?"
"I can't say I have. Why do you do that?"
"The noise of the cash register, it erm, it reminds me of my dad's store. If I pay using card they never have to open it, and then I don't hear the sound." It's strange to discuss, it's not a thing I've spoken about before. I've never said the words out loud because it didn't feel important, but now I feel exposed. "What about you? Any others?" I ask, trying to move the attention away from me again.
"I mean, you know about planes, that's a big one. Also I guess seeing injuries similar to my leg. Had a panic attack because of that once."
"Panic attacks suck."
"I agree. They're the worst."
So I just uploaded a short Amylink fic if anybody is interested in checking it out. I have a couple other shorts in the works but who knows if I'll ever post them.
Thanks for reading :)