Title: Without You
Author: Writerinthemaking
Feedback: Greatly appreciated

Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny
Rating: T
Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional - AU.

Summary: CJ and Danny face the challenges of their long awaited romance. Sometimes love is not enough, life is messy and we forget to listen. But some things are just too important to miss out on.

Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing
-How am I supposed to live without you - performed by Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995.
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Authors Note: I have been extremely busy the last six months, so I have kept you waiting. I am really sorry - I know how much I look forward to updates. I just hope this new chapter will satisfy you! Thank you for reading and please review!

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Oct. 05

7. Thunder and lightning

"I remembered how you gave me a chance to explain about Katherine. So I guess I should apologize now," Danny squeezed her hand a little and gave her a small kiss on the cheek.

"Danny, I felt like the world was ending when you left earlier. I would never ever betray you like that. The man you saw is my doctor's husband and I hadn't seen him in ages. Yes, we did go on a date or two in college, but we never really found ourselves falling in love with each other. I introduced him to Millie later on and they now live here in Washington with their twin daughters." CJ wanted to explain all the surrounding information before revealing the big news.

"I see. I guess I overreacted when I saw the two of you. I just never expected to see you right there and then, that's all." Danny felt relieved when he heard the story. He figured that was the way CJ had felt when she saw him with Katherine the first time on the plane.

They hugged and CJ felt a twitch of nervousness. Somehow she didn't really know how to tell Danny about the baby. They had never really spoken of children and this was as far away from Planned Parenthood as anything could be.

"Hey, are you ok?" Danny moved to sit across from her on the bed. Their knees touching lightly. He saw something in CJ eyes. Sincerity with a hint of shyness. He felt his stomach tighten lightly. What if there was really more to the story, and why had she been crying?

"Danny how many sisters and brothers do you have?" CJ eased into the conversation with an open question.

Danny looked at her in wonder, why was she bringing this up now?

"Four sisters and two brothers. Why do you ask, I thought you already knew this?" Danny felt CJ tense up, he could figure out why she wanted to talk about his family now.

"Yeah I guess I knew. Did you like having a lot of kids around you when you were younger?" CJ didn't know where she was going; this telling the expecting father was a lot harder that she had thought.

Danny sensed the seriousness in CJ's voice. He was completely clueless right now.

"I love them all but seven children might be more than I'm up for" he answered in a cheerful voice. Danny wondered if CJ wanted their two families to meet but he was quite sure she thought it was to early. And right now he wanted to know more about why CJ had been crying when she stood in the sidewalk outside her doctor's office. Had something happened in there?

CJ was opposite Danny she had her back to the windows but could hear rain and the wind picking up outside. She felt her insecurities resurface, what if he didn't want children. The sound of Danny's slightly raised voice startled her.

"CJ?" she had not hear him the first couple of times. "Why were you crying today?" Danny asked feeling the anxiousness rise in him. She had been so tired and worn out lately.

CJ smiled. He really was sweet sometimes.

"I was just…" she didn't know how to explain. At once everything just boiled down to one thing.

"Danny do you want children?" CJ spoke in a calm and collected voice but she avoided eye contact.

The silence seemed deafening. CJ felt like years went by before Danny took her hands and spoke.

"I haven't thought about children in a long time. After I met you I just felt so blessed to have found the woman of my life." Danny paused. He was fairly sure CJ didn't want children, even though they had never spoken of it. She was probably scared that he would expect her to want children now. Maybe that was why she was crying earlier. Maybe her doctor had told her it was to late. None of them were exactly young anymore.

"At some point I wanted children" he looked at CJ and saw raw emotion in her eyes. "I'm just happy that were together now and that all that matters. Is this what has been bothering you?" he reached out to draw her into an embrace but she politely but clearly drew back from him.

"So you don't want children," CJ bluntly stated. This was not going the way she had wanted this to go. She battled with herself about telling Danny the truth and in the process got up and went to the window. She stared into out into the darkness. It sounded like a thunderstorm was in the making. The storm outside certainly described how she felt inside.

Danny sat in the bed looking at CJ. He had thought his answer would make her at ease but her blunt statement before sounded more disappointed than relieved. He was confused. Where was she going with this?

"CJ do you want children?" The question rolled of his lips as the first lightning illuminated the dark bedroom. He saw CJ turn and as she faced him he saw tears on her cheeks.

"I guess it doesn't matter. You've made up your mind already." she was surprised at how calm she sounded.

"I don't understand where you're going with this." Danny got out of the bed and stood by the bedroom door facing her. "CJ you are not being fair." He slowly started walking towards her.

"Not fair?" she said her voice in a higher pitch. "Do you want to know what is not fair Danny? You not trusting me enough to even hear me out. I remember being really hurt when I saw Katherine's head on your shoulder. But I still let you explain. You just stood there accusing me of sleeping around. You really don't know me do you?" She heard her voice increasing and felt the tears on cheeks but chose to ignore them.

A loud thunder made her jump a little and step away from the window but she chose to walk towards the bed instead of him.

Danny stood for a while just taking it all in. In the back of his mind he had known she would have more to say about their fight earlier. He wanted to listen but he was so taken by her reaction that he finally chose to play offence instead of defense.

"I thought we were supposed to tell each other everything. I knew you were not doing terrific when I asked you to go see your doctor. I've seen you look and be more tired in the last month but I decided to let you share what you wanted with me. I waited and hoped you would but you never did. You don't think I know you spent nights in the bathroom by yourself? I wanted to go you but I know you like your privacy so I let you be. I wanted you to tell me CJ. Why didn't you? And then you go and lie to the First Lady and make me look like a fool for not knowing anything. What am I supposed to think?" Danny felt the anger and confusing rise in him. During his monologue he had walked towards CJ. She wasn't looking at him as he spoke she was looking at some stupid spot on the wall behind him. But as soon as he finished she spoke with a chilling voice.

"If you're such a great fan of honesty then why didn't you come to me in the middle of the night when I was camped out in the bathroom? Don't you think I needed you? Danny I don't understand..." she paused and tried to walk past him but he was not about to let her go now.

He grabbed her by the arm and turned her towards him. She pulled back and lost her balance. She fell back on the bed. He was by her side in an instant. He had not wanted to hurt he, he was not like that and thankfully she knew that. But she crawled back onto the bed and stood up on the other side.

"The only thing I never thought you would do was to ask me to choose between you and my job. And then you went and did it anyway. If you can't live like this then tell me right now instead of running around in circles." CJ knew she was pushing it. She was usually the one calling the shots on their relationship.

The reaction also came fast and furiously:

"I waited for you for years. You made me look like a fool so many times and I still came back because I loved you. I loved you, don't you realize that?" Danny was really mad by now.

"Don't ever question my intentions Claudia Jean. I'm not interested in this who did what to whom game. My life is just to God damn short for that."

CJ knew he was mad. He very rarely used her full name. But to hear him say his life was too short for this. He himself had told her often that he was there for the long run. In that moment it made her question their entire future.

"If you're not up for this then I won't hold you back. You're free to go. But just know that if you leave it will be for good. No more using Gail to ease your way in. No more short cuts and we are through!" CJ felt herself shaking as she said the last three words. She didn't know if it was from the angry adrenalin or the deep sorrow she already felt crawling all under her skin.

Danny took a moment to take it all in. And then delivered his last part of the conversation.

"I never used you. I can't believe you would even say that. God, CJ do you really want to end this here and now? " he felt drained from this that he only had one last thing to say:

"Goodbye CJ, I hope you find someone who will take all your crap. All your insecurities. How could I ever fall this hard and deep for you?"

With that Danny gathered his clothes and was out the door before CJ had a chance to tell him she was sorry. Even before the door had slammed behind him she had regretted every word and every sentence.

She ran to the front door just as it slammed and started bouncing on it with her clenched fists. She then felt herself slide to the floor and nearly passing out. The last 24 hours had been the worst in her entire life. Somehow she managed to get herself back to her bedroom where she collapsed on the bed.

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Mid December 05.

Danny awoke as the plane descended for landing. When the plane touched the ground in DC he was determined to get CJ back. He almost ran through the terminal to the cabs. On the way to the hospital he thought back on the time they had been apart. How he had managed to get through it was still a miracle. After he had left on that faithful night he had gone straight to the airport. He bought a ticket to L.A. via Atlanta. He had no destination he just needed to put distance and a lot of it between the two.