Oh, we all want the same thing.
Oh, we all run for something.
run for God, for fate,
For love, for hate,
For gold, for rust,
For diamonds, for dust.

I'll be your light, your match, your burning sun,
I'll be the bright, in black that's makin' you run.

I got my mind made up, man, I can't let go.
I'm killing every second 'til it saves my soul.
I'll be running,
Til the love runs out

Love Runs out - OneRepublic

Chapter 27: Transference

Lexi

I stood in front of the mirror, wrinkling my nose at myself. I'd expected to look different… I guess. My night with Brady had altered so much of how I perceived things, myself included. I felt… older, wiser, and… more womanly. I suppose it was stupid, but after a night with Brady - one that put most romance novels to shame - I'd expected to grow myself some womanly curves, voluminous hair and a sex kitten pout overnight. I felt like a vixen on the inside, but I still looked like a hopeless eighteen year old girl who wore a padded bra and tripped in anything higher than a one inch heel.

Okay, maybe the night I kissed my V-card buh bye wasn't something out of a romance novel.

Or any novel.

It wasn't perfect, but… it was mine.

Ours.

Sure, there was a little discomfort… okay, a lot. Brady was huge, and I was hoping sometime that wouldn't be a horrifying thing. It was two days later and the thought of a repeat before getting time to uh, heal… wasn't too appealing yet. Countless Google searches reassured me that I would eventually be fine, but I was sore. Soreness and first-time awkwardness aside, the bottom line was that it wasn't like the movies. There was no sappy music, I didn't orgasm eight million times, and we didn't wake up in each other's arms the next morning. When I was finally able to walk again, I'd gotten dressed, he drove me home, we argued about the weather for a minute, and then he'd kissed me goodbye on my front porch. Of course the kiss had been nothing short of magnificent, but that was the extent of my evening. I'd had a curfew to respect and Brady had patrol. Reality set in quickly after the temporary bliss lifted.

But I was okay with that. We'd had more than one trying moment in our relationship, and the other night was definitely a highlight on the positive side of the spectrum – I wasn't going to write that off anytime soon.

I sighed to my reflection in the mirror. I might not feel any different on the outside, but on the inside I couldn't help but feel almost complete.

I bounced down to the kitchen as the aroma of Patrick's special baked tortellini started to invade my nose. I was startled to see them both looking serious and somber as they both stood on opposite sides of the kitchen island. My heart leapt up into my throat – did they know what I'd done with Brady? Were they disappointed in me? How did they know?

Calm down, Lexi. Taking a deep breath, I tried to look exactly opposite of how I felt.

"What's wrong?"

My dad glanced at Patrick, who only reached across the counter and grasped my father's hand.

"Honey… grandma died last night. In her sleep."

The words hung in the air. I hung my head and swallowed the lump that was suddenly there. My grandmother, or my mom's mother, had been in a nursing home for the past three years after losing herself to Alzheimer's. She wasn't the same and hadn't been for years. I'd said my goodbye to her on a rare lucid day before leaving for Forks last year. I was sad, but I was glad she wasn't suffering anymore.

"Oh," I sputtered. I wrung my hands together, unsure of what to say. 'Oh' didn't sound very good, but I was too shocked to say anything more.

"I'm going down for the funeral… it's this weekend. Your mother just called and… I guess they're making all the arrangements."

I looked up in surprise. My grandmother was his former mother-in-law and he'd left California with his tail between his legs after his affair with Patrick. I didn't think anything would get my father to step foot in that state again.

"We're all going?"

I watched him exchange a look with Patrick, who shook his head sadly. "I'm going to have to sit this one out, kid."

"Oh," I mumbled again. Leaning on the counter, the three of us just looked at each other for a moment as the news set in. Finally, my dad turned to put the phone back on the receiver.

"I want to pay my respects. She was a good woman, and she was always a wonderful mother-in-law. I just… want to go."

I nodded, giving Patrick an apologetic look. "I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "Used to it. I'll hold down the fort while you guys go."

We sat down to dinner, each of us lost in what I'm sure were our own deep thoughts. Nothing seemed appropriate to say when someone has died. I don't know why, but everything sounds trite and meaningless after someone leaves this earth and goes into the unknown. Maybe there was something else after, maybe there wasn't. We weren't a particularly religious family, but I can't say I'd never thought about death or an afterlife before. I had, but when you're eighteen with your entire life ahead of you it just seems… silly. Believe it or not, I thought of myself as being invincible, like death just wouldn't ever happen to me.

Thoughts of death seemed to hang over the table as we picked at our food and mumbled awkward things.

"Can Brady come?" I blurted out.

My father looked up from his tortellini. "What?

"Can Brady come," repeated, slower this time. "I… I want him to go to the funeral with me. And meet mom. And the boys," I said, thinking of my little brothers.

He shot Patrick a questioning look. My eyes darted between them. I think all three of us were surprised at my question, actually – not just me. It wasn't like me to ask to bring a boy to a funeral.

My dad coughed uncomfortably, like he was trying to dislodge his shock from his throat. "Um… really?"

I nodded, although half of my boldness had simmered by then. I'd really blurted that one out without thinking.

"Uhm… yes?"

My dad eyed Patrick again, and I saw him shrug.

"We can talk about it."

What I thought would be an awkward trip to California was actually… just that.

Brady slept in the guest room downstairs, my father slept on the sofa that was located handily close to his door, and I slept all the way upstairs in my bedroom. The funeral was terse and relief-filled; no one wanted my grandmother to suffer anymore, and we were all so exhausted from the tension. By the time we all got back to the house, I was ready to combust. I could tell Brady was antsy; it had been two entire days since he'd phased, and that was longer than he'd ever gone before, according to him. I knew he was a little stressed from suffering the wrath of my mother as well. After seeing how tense and stiff he was with my dad, she'd immediately warmed right up to Brady just to annoy him. I'd done so much eye rolling in the past forty-eight hours, I was afraid my eyes were going to stay that way.

I kicked the black dress to the floor in the direction of my suitcase, shrugging into a pair of comfy leggings and a long sweatshirt. The weather was still nice in California this time of year, but the nights could dip into semi-cold temperatures. I wanted to get out of the house and away from my parents and the tension that had settled back over the house. The past two days had been a whirlwind of strain and sadness topped with passive aggressive comments and a little too much wine for my mom. Although she acted like she'd moved on and all was fine and dandy with her, I knew she was bluffing. Gay or straight, my dad had ripped her heart out by having an affair with Patrick while they were still married. She acted fine, but she seemed almost still raw with hurt at times when she let it show.

I understood now more than ever why my father felt the need to put an entire state between them.

When love ended, it felt like an exposed nerve – there was no way to make it better. I guess enough time had passed that they could somewhat move on, but the lingering hurt still hung in the air like a dense fog.

I couldn't imagine what my parents were going through right now, and I guess selfishly, I didn't want to.

So, I did the same thing I did the last time things between them got ugly – I bailed. Last time I'd bailed and gone to Washington, and this time I was bailing and going to the beach.

I hurried back downstairs, hastily grabbing Brady's hand and pulling him off the kitchen barstool. He had spent the last two nights happily helping my mother get rid of the countless casseroles and pies that her friends had been dropping by all week. It was weird – what was a pie going to do when someone died? Did potato chips and cubed ham suddenly become okay when someone died? Was that supposed to make you feel better? I wasn't sure. But she'd been more than happy to let him eat his way through our new collection of 'pity food' as she so delicately called it.

"We're going down to the boardwalk," I announced, snatching my father's rent a car keys off the countertop. He glanced up from his coffee cup across the counter, looking too exhausted to argue or care. My mother barely flinched as Brady dropped his fork with a clatter and an apologetic look.

"Lex..."

The front door slammed behind us as I tossed the keys over my shoulder, half expecting to hear them go clattering to the concrete. I was met with a silent whoosh of air as Brady jumped to catch them with a little laugh.

I directed him down to the boardwalk; the ocean was only a five minute drive from where my mother lived. I wanted to get out and enjoy California for a brief moment before we flew back to dreary old Washington in the morning.

He parked the car in the sandy parking lot, his brown eyes flicking up to admire the way the sunlight was bouncing off the rippling waves as it began to set. It had been a mainly overcast day, but the sun was low enough to sink below the cover of clouds and give us a show as we got out of the car.

I wound my hand easily with his as we made our way down the path to the sandy beach.

"It'll be dark soon," I promised him over my shoulder. He nodded, flashing me a little smile.

We found a spot near some large rocks that littered this part of the shore and sat down, Brady pulling my back up to his chest as I settled between his legs. The air was drier here; unlike the thick humidity that sometimes cloaked my new home state, the dry breeze coming off the ocean had a chill to it. I wrapped his arms around my shoulders and settled against his chest with a sigh. As beautiful as my old home was, I did have to admit that the mossy backdrop of Washington did somehow whittle its way into my heart. I couldn't help but think it might have something to do with the shape shifter pressed into my back.

"So what were they fighting about when I came down? When you were stuffing your face?"

He chuckled. "Something about your brothers. Your dad wants them to come for Christmas I think. She wasn't having it."

"Doesn't surprise me," I mumbled, shaking my head. Brady toyed with a piece of my hair and snorted.

"I think my mother loves you."

"That makes one of you."

I exhaled with an annoyed huff and shook my head, refusing to look at him. Neither one of us was particularly lovey dovey. I mean, we cared about each other, but each of us was far too stubborn to go around all day smooching into our cell phones and texting that we loved each other every fifteen minutes. I don't even think we'd said it to each other since… well, since that night at his house. I guess I'd learned that I wasn't the type of girl that needed to hear an 'I love you' all the time just to keep my sanity. I knew Brady loved me, and that was enough. I'd given him a part of myself I could never get back. Call me crazy, but sometimes that freaked me out and sometimes it didn't. I mean, what we'd shared was a big deal when you think about it. Teenage girls are silly about who they give their v-card up to sometimes, and we tend to picture it in our heads for years and years before hand. Always building up the moment and crap like that. Glancing over my shoulder, I caught a glimpse of his profile as he stared out at the setting sun. I don't mean to brag, but… damn, I'd picked a good one.

The sun dipped lower over the horizon, the bright oranges and tangerines of the sunset molding into the water like melted butter. It was almost touching the horizon now, just minutes away from being gone for the night.

"I'm glad you came with me..." I admitted finally, my words cutting through the peaceful silence. Behind me, Brady shifted in the sand.

"It's nice to see where you came from. Where you grew up. It's cool to see it."

I glanced at him over my shoulder again. "Yeah?"

He nodded good naturedly, a spark of something mischievous gleaming in his dark eyes.

"Your mom is… don't hate me for saying this, but she's a piece of work."

"You call me a piece of work every day I'm alive," I teased with a snort. I watched the waves roll in, one after another after another. It was calming on my frazzled nerves.

"Right, but… that's you we're talking about. This is your mother," he sighed. "Talk about a force of nature. Your brothers are cool though."

"They're six and nine. What did you expect?"

He shrugged. "They're cool though. I'm glad I met them."

"Yeah, well… I miss them. I… wanted you to meet them, however dorky or cliché that is. Grant and Dylan mean a lot to me. I miss them when I'm not here, but… I needed to get out of California."

I turned in his arms, leaning sideways against his chest. "Can I tell you something?"

He raised one eyebrow quizzically, and I could see a smart-ass comment dancing on his tongue. But he bit it back, nodding. "Anything."

I bit my lip and tried to ignore how suddenly raw and vulnerable I felt.

"I feel like… well… at first I wasn't sure why I'd left California. I mean, I wanted to get away, make a change, but… I could never put my finger on exactly why I left. I just… knew I needed to leave."

He shrugged. "So what, you wanted a change of scenery? Not exactly a revelation," he teased.

"Okay, fine," I laughed. "But I guess I just thought maybe there was another reason why I left. Maybe. I dunno."

He nudged my side. "Are you trying to hint that it was nothing short of divine intervention that brought you to the lovely corner of the globe known as Forks?"

"What?" I feigned ignorance.

"I still maintain that my sexiness drew you from a thousand miles away," he muttered, nudging my side again.

I snorted back a laugh. "Whatever," I huffed, refusing to let my laugh bubble up through my chest. I stared out at the sun and tried to relax and enjoy the moment with Brady. Today had been a sad day. It had been full of reminders that life was not to be taken lightly, and that we would all someday be gone. While the thought that I had actually told Brady I loved him and given myself to him completely sometimes freaked me out if I overthought it (and I tend to do that). I had to remind myself that I was only going to live once – I needed to do it right. I needed to have no regrets.

Oh, damn it all to hell. I did love him.

"I do love you," I muttered out loud, barely loud enough for him to hear.

Brady shifted sideways, looking at me like he hadn't heard me. But I knew he had.

I could practically see the smug look he was giving me out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to let him ruin my moment.

Instead, I focused on the lapping waves as they rolled in. The orange light of the setting sun faded into pinks, then purples, then finally a serene blue. When only a crescent shaped sliver was left, I sighed.

It was a fitting goodbye for my grandma. She was at peace, and I'd learned young that life was short and not to be taken for granted.

I sighed. "Brady… do you believe in God?"

He didn't hide his surprise.

"What?!"

I shrugged, trying not to laugh. It wasn't meant to be a funny question, but I felt a little silly asking it.

"I mean like… are you religious?"

"Religious? Um… religious, no. Maybe… spiritual is better, I guess?"

"Oh."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "I just wondered. We've had sex… I mean, I think I have a right to ask you that."

"You do," he agreed. "You ok?"

I nodded, glancing down to pick at my cuticles. "I just… I wonder what happens to us when we're gone. Like I'm glad my grandma isn't suffering in her own mind anymore… with her disease and all, but… I can't help but wonder where she is now. What she's doing. You know?"

He nodded. "I've thought about that more than once."

I glanced at him. "Have you killed a person before?"

His eyes stared forward at the water. I expected them to turn cold, but… they didn't. I saw a flash of vulnerability that I hadn't expected to see.

"Person?" he was quiet a moment. "No. What I killed wasn't… a living thing."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "You mean like… like a vampire?"

He nodded. "I've killed vamps. Bad ones. Didn't deserve to live."

"How did you know?"

He shrugged. "It's what I was made to do. Was kill em. Just instinct, I guess, to put them out of their misery."

I blanched.

He frowned at me. "It's not like that. They're… they're technically dead."

"They don't feel? Or hurt? Do they… can they like… love?"

He gave me a dry smile, shaking his head. "That's a lot of questions. I mean… they're weird. Different, Lex. I don't know how to explain it. Half alive in a lot of ways, but..."

His eyes got a faraway look in them for a moment, and I wasn't sure how to react. How was something half alive, I wondered? How did he draw the line on what was okay and what wasn't? It seemed like a rather fine line.

"I do what I have to do to survive. Before you judge me-"

"-I wasn't!"

"-I know, but… before you judge me. I just have been in some situations that… I had to make a judgment call. I had to decide, you know? Me or them? I had to make that call and well… I did what I had to do to still be the one standing here, Lex. It's a decision I have to make every time I phase. Every time I go to help out with something, I put myself in that place where I can either kill or be killed. I'd like to think that whatever God or… higher power or whatever is up there," he motioned up to the brilliant sky, "would understand that."

I didn't understand – how could I? I'd never been put in a life or death situation like that, so I couldn't answer for him. I couldn't find it in myself to judge him, either.

"I guess… I guess I sorta do believe in God. Or… something. Sometimes I think maybe there is something else out there. Shit… there would have to be something else out there to be punished and rewarded the way I have."

I turned and looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

He gave me a meaningful look. "Lexi… you have to have seen it already. You can't tell me you don't know."

"Seen what?"

Brady reached up, brushing a strand of hair away from my face. "Like I've said before…you have to know that the only good thing about me is you."

Thank you for reading! Hope everyone is having a fantastic summer!