Apologies for the delay in updating - uni is madness and I'm drowning in work. Anyways, here's a chapter.
Amelia POV
My thoughts are reeling. We are on our way home from my therapy session and we finally got around to discussing giving up the blade. Dr Watson gave us some suggestions on how to make the transition easier, but it actually feels real now, and it's scary. We have a rule that the time we spend in the car after therapy sessions are my time. If I talk to Arizona that's okay, but if I stay quiet she knows I'm just thinking and I'm not ready to talk yet. Today I have opted for the stay quiet option, I need some time to process what is happening.
The concept of stopping cutting permanently seems great, like really great, but it's terrifying. Most of the times that I cut, it's because I want to numb the emotional pain, to forget my past and bring me back to the present, but it's more complicated than that. Giving up cutting on those days is going to be hard, but I think I can do it, I'm almost sure I can, but there are days I cut for a different reason. When the hurt becomes too much, when I hit a point of not wanting to live anymore, when I want to give up. On those days I choose the blade over death. I could easily OD, I could end it all, but using the blade forces me to feel the hurt, it forces me to think of Arizona, Sofia, my sisters, Zola, Bailey and Ellis. The blade also reminds me of the reasons I have to live.
Both Arizona and I start work in a little over an hour. A part of me wants to call in sick, just hide away and cry, but I know from experience that work is the best distraction from my thoughts. When we arrive back at the apartment I get out of the car, and head up the stairs quietly. I don't talk to Arizona, I simply let myself in and sit on the couch, pulling my knees up to my chest and looking down to avoid eye contact. I feel the couch cushions shift as Arizona sits down, leaving a little space between us.
"Amelia, can you look at me?" Arizona asks me but I shake my head. "Do you want me to leave?" She asks softly.
"No. I just, I just need some more quiet time, if that's okay." I offer through shuddering breath, trying to keep my tears at bay.
"Okay. I'm here when you're ready."
We stay silent for about 20 minutes. No contact, no communicating, but I know she is there if I need her. I slowly begin to move my body closer to hers, and not leaning into her embrace, but taking her hand and holding it, reminding myself she is there, that I'm not alone. "I'm scared." I say, almost too quietly to hear. "I'm really scared, Arizona." I say again, a little louder this time. "I thought I would be okay. I thought I was ready but I don't know anymore."
"Okay. That's okay. Whatever you decide, I'm going to be there every step of the way." Arizona explains softly, with several lifetimes of love in her voice.
"I don't think I'm ready to decide yet. Could we just, forget about it for now? Just until tonight?" I ask, lifting my eyes to look at her for the first time.
"Of course. I love you." Arizona says honestly, placing a light kiss on the top of my head.
"I know, I love you too."
I get up from the couch, beginning to get ready for work. I take a quick shower, the fact that my blade is just a few steps away is at the forefront of my mind but I resist the temptation. I know today has been hard, and it will likely get harder but I'm not giving up yet. It has been almost a month since I last touched the blade and I don't want to today. I quickly get washed and dressed for work, not wanting to be alone for too long. I look at myself in the mirror. I'm a mess, I don't know how I got myself here, I'm so lucky to have Arizona and Sofia, Mer and the kids. I've done so many shitty things in my life and I truly don't deserve them, I will do anything to make sure I don't mess this up.
As I exit the bathroom Arizona makes the suggestion of going via my favourite food truck before work to pick up some steak fries (my favourite type of fries). I accept the offer, I know I need to eat something. I have at least three surgery's today and I need to be physically ready. Arizona offers to drive and I don't argue, I simply pick up my stuff to put it in the trunk.
"Are you okay? Are you sure you're safe to work?" Arizona asks me as we are driving. I nod in response before realising she is focused on the road and hasn't seen my response.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just putting everything on hold for a bit. Work is the best distraction."
"Just remember to page me if you need anything?"
"I promise, I'm okay Arizona. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet? I think I just need a little more time to process and think about things but I'm okay."
Work runs fairly smoothly. I clip an aneurism in one patient and place a stent in another, both surgeries going perfectly. perfectly. I remove a small tumour from a man's parietal lobe and he seems to be recovering fine. The morning has just been basic surgery's but they help the time pass. I get called to the ER for two women in a car crash. Both of the women have head injuries, one has a clearly broken arm and the other is pregnant. While Carina is checking on the baby I do a work up on the lady with a broken arm. She shows signs of a concussion but is awake and verbal. I instruct an intern to get her a head CT but she grabs my wrist as I move.
"Is Lily okay? Is she going to be okay?" She sobs, trying to look around but the neck brace prevents her from moving.
"I'm going to check on her right now okay? I'm going to do everything I can." I try to comfort her, but I don't want to make any promises I can't keep. I don't know how bad their injuries are.
"We were on our way home from the ultrasound. We just found out her baby is probably going to die. I can't lose her. She's my best friend. We don't have anybody else." The young woman explains, reaching to hold onto my arm. I see the desperation in her eyes.
"I will do everything I can. I will keep you updated." I reiterate before she is wheeled away for her scan.
When I switch back to the patient I look to see the scan on the ultrasound. It can't be. No. Not today. I freeze and step away from the patient. "I need Koracick here to take over."
"Dr Shepherd, this woman needs a neuro work up ASAP." I hear one of the nurses in the room tell me.
"Someone page Koracick, please." I say with a little more urgency.
"Amelia what's going on?" Webber asks me, walking into the commotion.
"I need Koracick to take over. I'm too close to the case." I explain a little quieter to avoid the whole room hearing.
"Did you know her?"
"No. But the scan, her baby, I can't." I whisper and he looks up to examine the image in more detail. He knows about my past, I have talked about it in AA meetings that we have both attended, but we made a point of not discussing anything mentioned in meetings outside of them. When he sees what I had seen, Webber immediately starts the basic neuro checks for me.
"Dr Shepherd is off the case. Has someone paged Koracick?" Richard asks the room with urgency in his voice.
I wait outside the trauma room for Tom to appear.
"Shepherd, did you page?" He asks confidently as he approaches the room.
"I need you to take over the case. Woman in her early 30s, pregnant and in a car crash. She is yet to regain consciousness. Dr Webber has started the neuro workup." I explain, trying to keep my tone as emotionless as possible.
"Why can't you do it? Are you trying to up my bad outcomes or something?"
"Her baby has anencephaly." I state, my brain is unable to add anymore information.
"That's a tough break for the mother. Doesn't explain why I'm here though."
"My son died of anencephaly." I offer through a shaky breath and I see the statement register on his face.
"Oh my God, sorry. I'm on it."
"Tom, I haven't told many people. Please don't say anything." I ask just before he leaves. He offers a nod with a sad smile. He knows how I feel. His son died and I was there, I saw the pain and suffering he went through. Most people think he's just a jerk. He is, they're not wrong, but he also has a heart, being a jerk is just his coping mechanism, it protects him from getting hurt.
A few moments later Richard exits the trauma room and approaches me with a sympathetic look in his eyes. As doctors we use that look regularly, telling people we are sorry for their loss, trying to comfort them, but it is different when they're used when someone speaks to you. It just reminds me of what I have lost. He offers to go find Arizona but I shake my head. I explain I'm taking my lunch break a little early to go to a meeting and I'll be back in a bit.
"Could you page me if anything comes back on her friend? I think it's just a concussion and she should be fine with monitoring over night but I ran a CT to be sure."
"I'll follow up. Go to a meeting." He instructs with a kind hand on my arm. I nod my head, turning to go to the locker room to change clothes quickly.
I message Arizona to let her know I won't be meeting her for lunch. I tell her I'm okay, just something came up. I don't get a response which isn't surprising, she is probably in surgery. Fortunately there is a meeting just a couple minutes walk away because Arizona has the car keys. I walk into the meeting a few minutes late, finding a seat at the back. I just sit to listen, I don't plan on speaking, I just need to reduce the cravings, to straighten out my thoughts. I watch people talk about their recovery. One woman who I have seen around before stands up, she admits that its day one again and she is distraught. I know that feelings. It's humiliating. That feeling is one of the reasons I try so hard to stay sober. I need to stay sober.
The meeting lasts around 45 minutes by which time Arizona has replied to my message to call her when I'm free. I take a moment to breathe before leaving the church I am in and heading back to the hospital. I call Arizona's number while I walk.
"Hey, what's going on? Why did you cancel lunch?"
"I went to a meeting but I'm on my way back now."
"Oh, okay. You available for a consult? I paged Koracick but he's in surgery and doesn't expect to be out soon."
"Yeah. He took over my patient so I'm free. I need to get changed back into scrubs and then I'll be there. Give me fifteen minutes?"
When I get back to the hospital Richard is waiting.
"You okay?" He asks me quietly, trying to be subtle.
"I'm fine. How is she?"
"Her friend is fine, simple concussion as you expected. Tom has taken the other lady to surgery, she had a significant brain bleed so it's too soon to tell." I nod to show my understanding.
"I'm going to go get changed because Arizona needs a paediatric neuro consult. Thanks for covering for me." I say with a small smile.
"Amelia, are you sure you're okay?"
"I will be."
I quickly change into scrubs quickly and make my way to the paeds ward. Arizona leads me to a room to see a 10 year old girl who has been diagnosed with a benign tumour in her left anterior prefrontal cortex. Koracik has seen her in the past, he advised regular radiation to reduce the size before surgical removal.
"Dr Shepherd, this is Georgia. When she woke up today she has been having a little bit of problem with her words."
"She can't speak, she isn't making sense. Is she going to be okay?" The girls mother asks, clearly panicking over the development of her daughters symptoms. Arizona walks to the girls mother, taking her to one side to allow me space to examine the girl.
"Other than her language difficulties, all her reflexes are in tact. I'm going to send her for an MRI and then we can figure out what comes next. We are going to take good care of her, I promise. Someone will come collect her for the scan shortly." I explain to the girls Mom before leaving the room, Arizona following behind me.
"Could we sit down somewhere for a few minutes?" I ask my girlfriend as we leave the patients room. She suggests going to her office, it's close and private.
I take a deep breath, letting myself relax for a moment and Arizona moves behind me, wrapping her arms lightly around my body.
"Woah, you okay?" Arizona asks as I flinch at her gentle touch.
"Yeah. I'm okay, just a little on edge."
"Are you still thinking about this morning?" She asks. It's understandable that she would think that, but it's not the case.
"Surprisingly, no. I had a patient pregnant with an anencephalic baby. I had to remove myself from the case. I was fine with that but one of the nurses kept telling me she needed a neuro exam now and I, I just froze."
"What happened?" Arizona asks cautiously, leading me to the small couch in the room.
"Richard realised the situation and let me leave."
"You never told me Richard knew."
"What is said at AA stays at AA."
"Then what happened?" Arizona asks. softly.
"Koracik came to take over. I briefed him on the case, and he thought I was just trying to increase his bad outcomes."
"Koracik is such an ass."
"I told him why I couldn't be involved and he took over without a second thought. Sure he's a bit of a blowhard and he can be extremely irritating, but he's a good guy Arizona. I trust him."
"I feel like I'm missing something."
"I studied under him, the whole being a jerk thing is just an act. He just does it to help hide his pain." I try to explain.
"I hadn't realised you knew him so well."
"Off the record, his son died too. Freak accident. I watched as he suffered. I stood by his side in surgeries because he didn't trust himself anymore. The whole mean guy act is just a show."
"I erm, I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped, I'm just stressed. It's not your fault, I'm not sure if anyone else in the hospital even knows."
"Are you okay? After everything that happened with your patient?"
"I will be. I'm a bit better after my meeting anyway." I wish I could stay here all afternoon, but I have patients, and I'll have to cover Toms planned surgeries.
"I'm here if you need anything. You're not alone Amelia."
I am packing up my bags to leave for the evening. I told Arizona we would talk tonight, but apart of me still doesn't feel ready. A lot has happened today, from therapy to my patient with an anencephalic baby. Arizona walks into the locker room while I'm getting my stuff together, she approaches me, moving to place a light kiss on my cheek before going to her locker. While she is close I wrap my arms around her for a quick hug. She immediately hugs back and we stay in that position for a few moments until the vibration of my phone takes my attention. I step back to answer the call from Meredith. She asks if we can take Zola and Ellis tonight as Bailey is ill and seems to have passed it on to Maggie too and Meredith doesn't want to risk her daughters. Of course I agree, Sofia isn't back until tomorrow so Zola can take her bed. We also have a camper bed for Ellis to sleep in, we can just put it in Sof's room. I say goodbye, telling her we will be there soon and to put some stuff in a bag for them.
"What's going on?" Arizona asks me once I have placed my phone down.
"We have Zola and Ellis tonight. Bailey is sick and seems to have passed it on to Maggie. Meredith is exhausted as Bailey kept her up most of last night. Anyways, she doesn't want the girls to catch the bug so we have them."
"Okay. Are we still going to talk tonight though? Discuss the next steps like Anne suggested?"
"It's been a long day. Maybe when the kids are asleep, but I'm not sure. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, it's okay. We do have to at least talk about it at some point but not until you're ready. Let's go get the kids."
We drive to Meredith's house to collect Zola and Ellis. The weather is surprisingly warm and dry for Seattle, something Zola picks up on and asks if we can go to the park. Once Ellis hears the question bounces in the back of the car. "Can we Auntie Melia? Please?" The four year old begs. She is growing so quickly and when she gets excited, she has Derek's smile.
"What do you think Arizona? Want to push some kiddos on the swings?" I ask my girlfriend, the smile on her face already telling me she was going to say yes.
"Sure. As long as we can feed the ducks." Arizona adds, making her face look serious.
"I'm sure we can figure that out."
Ellis and Zola are talking in the back of the car, Ellis is trying to explain about mermaids to Zola, who doesn't seem all too interested but is allowing her sister to explain. She nods along, asking the odd question to keep her entertained until we arrive at the park. When we arrive I jump out of the car to unclip Ellis from the car seat, helping her out of the car. Zola let's herself out of the car, taking her chance to get away from Ellis's childish conversation to go talk to Arizona. I hold onto the younger girls hand, listening to her speak. From what I can understand she has watched the little mermaid earlier and has decided she wants to be a mermaid when she grows up. I love her enthusiasm, it's adorable.
"When I was little, I wanted to be a unicorn." I tell Ellis with a grin, but her facial expression becomes perplexed.
"You doctor, not unicorn Auntie Melia."
"Yeah, I am. But doctors are a bit like unicorns too."
"How?"
"Well, doctors can't fly or do magic, but unicorns and doctors both really like helping people. They both save lives." I explain simply and she nods, agreeing with the statement. I look up from my niece to see Arizona and Zola holding hands, almost identical to how Ellis is holding mine. I can't help but grin at the sight, my heart swelling with happiness, seeing two people whom I love so much.
Ellis and I speed up a little to catch up with Arizona and Zola. We decide to head to the play area first to allow the kids to let off some steam, but as we approach the gate to enter Zola let's go of Arizona's hand to approach me. "Can we feed the ducks first instead Aunty Melia?" She asks quietly, looking towards the play equipment and then back to me nervously. I pass Ellis's hand to Arizona making sure she doesn't run off and I bend down to Zola's height.
"What's going on kiddo? You love the playground." I ask seriously, it is unlike Zola to be nervous to go play.
"There is a boy from my class in there." She states simply and my first thought is that she has a crush and feels awkward but I soon figure out that isn't the case. "He is mean to Sofia and sometimes me too. He doesn't really upset us but I don't want Ellis to hear." She admits, her eyes glancing to her younger sister.
"Is this the boy that says mean things about me and Arizona?" I ask her to try and confirm a hunch and she nods.
"He is stupid. He just doesn't understand. I just don't want to be near him. I don't want Ellis to be near him." Zola explains sadly.
"Okay. It's okay sweet girl, we can feed the ducks first and hope he goes home." I reassure her. "Why don't you go with Arizona and Ellis to the pond and I'll go buy the duck food" I tell my niece, making my voice loud enough for Arizona's to hear the plan too. My girlfriend nods, reaching out her hand for Zola to follow.
I try not to take too long collecting the duck food. I head to the cafe area to buy the food and a couple of water bottles, watching the kids in the park from the corner of my eye to try to work out which one has been upsetting Zola and Sofia. Although I can't be sure, it doesn't take me long to identify a kid I recognise, he is screaming at younger children for being on the play area, your typical childhood bully. I try to push him from my mind, paying for the items and heading directly back to my family.
When I get back I find Arizona sitting on a bench with Ellis on her knee while Zola is stood cautiously to the side.
"We okay?" I ask them collectively, trying to figure out what the frown on Ellis' face is from.
"Ellis tripped over and I caught her arm so she wouldn't go in the water but she said it hurts." Zola explains quietly.
"I think it's okay, just the shock." Arizona says, her eyes locking with mine, her nod telling me there is nothing serious.
"Can I see?" I ask Ellis who holds her arm out to me, pointing to where it hurts with the other hand. "Hmmm, I think this poorly arm needs some fairy dust to make it better. What do you think, Ellis?"
"Yeah." She answers almost too quietly for me to hear. I carefully reach into my back pocket, pretending I have fairly dust in my hand. I sprinkle it over her arm, gently rubbing the magic into her arm.
"Let's see. Did the magic work?" I ask my niece, releasing her arm from my grip. She gives her wrist a few movements, nodding her head and smiling. "Good girl. Do you think it's better enough to feed the ducks?"
"Yeah. Can I go now?" She asks, her earlier excitement returning to her face.
"Sure. Be careful though, no tripping on the rocks." I instruct. The side of the pond where we are located is shallow, so much so that the ducks have to walk on the concrete to get to the food the kids are offering. If she did slip, she wouldn't be seriously hurt but I don't want her to get upset.
"I'll have to remember that fairy dust trick, it's a miracle cure." Arizona jokes, leaning into my side.
"What can I say? You've got to make the most of the placebo effect before they grow up." I offer with a nonchalant shrug.
"A lot happened today. Are you okay?" Arizona asks carefully, her tone isn't pressuring me to talk, it's just caring.
"Yeah. I've been thinking about my therapy appointment this morning, and I think I need to take things slow. Maybe you could keep my blades, so I can ask for them back in case things get really bad. And erm, if we could replace the razors in the bathroom with hair removal cream, I think it'll reduce the triggers a bit. Then can we just see how it goes? Give it a month or two and see how I feel?"
"We can definitely do that. I know I say this a lot but I'm really proud of you for choosing to fight. I know it wasn't easy."
"It wasn't easy, but it was worth it."
Thanks for reading.