Amelia POV
Today, Arizona and I had both had the luxury of having the day off work. We told Meredith that we would collect the girls from school and drop Zola off at home for her, saving her from making an extra trip.
"Aunty Melia, what is AA?" Zola asks me as we are walking out of the school grounds to drop her off at home.
"What?" I respond, turning around to look at her, not expecting the question at all. I had never discussed my addiction issues around my niece.
"Sofia said it's a meeting that some people go to to stay healthy but that doesn't make sense."
"Sof, I thought I told you that this was a private thing. You know that means you can't talk about it with your friends." I say sternly, my internal panic rising slowly.
"I didn't say anything about you going, I promise. I just said what you told me."
"What about you Aunty Melia?" Zola asks, her face becoming more perplexed than it already was.
"We aren't talking about this right now. Let's just take you home." I tell Zola, taking a deep breath to try and plan my next move. I give Arizona my car keys, wordlessly asking her to drive for me. I need to take a few moments to myself.
"But Aunty Melia-"
"I need to talk to your Mom first Zola. I'm not going to discuss it here."
When we arrive at Meredith's, I tell Arizona to take Sofia home. I'm not sure how long this is going to take, and I don't need the both of them asking questions, one ten year old's questions are enough. I tell my niece to wait for me in the living room while I go talk to Meredith.
"Amelia, is everything okay?" Maggie asks as I walk into the kitchen.
"I need Mer, can you watch Bailey and Ellis?"
"What's going on?"
"Zola is asking questions about AA. Sofia let it slip that I go and I don't want her googling making assumptions, I don't know how much to say and I may be in a mild state of panic and I just, I don't know."
"I've got these two. Go." Maggie instructs Meredith and we make our way toward the couch.
"Mom, I don't understand. Did I ask something wrong? I didn't mean to, I promise."
"You didn't do anything wrong Zola." I say calmly, taking a seat at the opposite end of the couch.
"Then why were you mad?" Zola asks, desperately trying to figure out what is going on.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have got mad, I was just a little scared. I didn't want you to look at me any differently." I admit quietly and Meredith offers a small, supportive smile.
"I still don't understand." Zola tells us and I look to Meredith for help.
"AA stands for alcoholics anonymous." My sister tells her daughter.
"But Sofia said you go?"
"I do." I confirm, waiting for the realisation to set in.
"But why?"
"The same reason everybody else does."
"You're an alcoholic?" She asks, her tone becoming more upset.
"I am a drug addict, Zola. But that doesn't change anything, I'm still me."
"You do drugs?" She asks with disgust in her tone.
"I used to, but I haven't in a very long time. I need you to know that. I am sober, and I plan to stay that way." I state desperately. I need her to know that this won't change anything.
"Why did you lie to me? You told me that you always tell the truth."
"I haven't lied to you Zola, when you ask questions, I always tell you the truth. I just don't talk about me, I don't tell people this kind of thing."
"But Sofia knows." My niece whines, crossing her arms and pulling her legs onto the chair.
"No she doesn't. She doesn't know what AA is, just that I go there. She has never asked why." I try to explain calmly.
"Did dad know?"
"He did. He was the only one to try and help me quit when I was a teenager."
"So you haven't had alcohol since you were a teenager?" she asks, hurt evident in her tone.
"Not exactly. I relapsed when I lived in LA, when you were a baby, but I haven't touched drugs or alcohol since I have been in Seattle."
"Is that the truth?" Zola asks and I nod my head.
"I promise."
"What happened the second time?"My niece asks without lifting her head to look at me.
"What do you mean?"
"My dad wasn't there to help you quit. Did your boyfriend help you? The one who died?" Zola asks, and I remember that I had mentioned Ryan in passing before. I told her he had a disease, but I didn't specify.
"No. He erm, Ryan died while we were both using drugs. He died because of the drugs Zola, he took too much." I admit and I see the statement register on Meredith's face. She knew my fiance had died because of the drugs, but she didn't know any details. She didn't even know his name.
"You said he had a disease." Zola says bluntly.
"Addiction is a disease. We were both going to quit but then he died, and I had to quit alone. It was hard and it was scary, but I did it." I state a little more harshly, trying desperately to get my point across.
"Why did he die and you didn't?"
"I wish I could answer that, but I don't know. I guess I was just luckier than he was." I try to explain.
"But he lost everything, and you, you just have a normal life now. Nothing bad happened to you. How is that fair?"
"Zola, that's not nice. You can't say that." Meredith warns her daughter, but I shake my head.
"She is right Mer, it's not fair." I agree. "In a world where everything was fair, I would be dead too. In a fair world, your dad would still be here, and maybe my dad too, but the world isn't fair, it's complicated and messy. We can't control everything. Sure, maybe I was lucky to survive, but surviving isn't everything, just because I lived, it doesn't mean nothing bad happened to me." I try to express, keeping my arms wrapped around my body, wishing this situation had never occurred.
"What happened?" she asks lacking all delicacy in her words.
"The man I love died in bed next to me. I lost him, I woke up next to a dead body. I still have nightmares about it. I was alone, and in pain, and it was hell."
"But that's not as bad as dying." The girl says with a roll of the eyes, and I lose it. I can't sit here and take it anymore.
"Mer, can you take us to my apartment please? I need to show Zola something." I state with my fists clenched, trying to control my anger.
The drive is painfully slow. I've never known Zola to be so judgemental, for her words to be so hurtful. I didn't know she had it in her small body to cause this much pain. I understand being upset, I know this must be scary for her, but I thought she would have a little more compassion. I can tell Meredith wants to step in, tell Zola that she isn't being fair, tell her to stop asking questions, but I have told her not to. I need to earn back my nieces trust, and clearly hiding things would not be the answer to that. I'm trying to hold myself together. I'm angry, I've never seen Zola so upset. She has always been extremely accepting for a child of her age. She is emotionally much older than most kids, and normally that leads to her being more open-minded, and I can't figure out why this is different.
When we arrive at the apartment, Arizona greets us but I don't respond, instead I take Zola's hand and take her to my bedroom. I tell Meredith that I need to do this alone, and I can tell she is uncertain of the idea, but follows suit and heads through to see Arizona and Sofia. I close my bedroom door behind us and move to sit on the bed.
"Come here." I tell her, holding out a hand for her to take, but she brushes past my hand, standing next to me silently. "Sit down" I instruct more firmly, waiting until she climbs up onto the bed. She leaves a gap between us, reluctant to be close to me. I take a deep breath before reaching out to my bedside table and picking up the white frame that holds a picture of my unicorn baby.
I pass the photo to my niece who takes a quick look at the photo before looking back at me. "That is your cousin."
"Mom says I have lots of cousins from dad's other sisters." She states with a blank face.
"This cousin isn't from your dad's other sisters."
"Then who?"
"His name was Christopher, he was my baby, and he was Ryan's baby." I explain, my voice shaking with each word.
"Was?" She asks with an audible gulp.
"He died too. He lived for 43 minutes, and then I had to let him go. He would be 8 by now." I wipe the tears from my face, not trying to hide them anymore.
"Why are you telling me this?" Zola asks, her tone no longer angry, now it's just sad.
"I lost everything Zola, everything that made me happy was gone. I didn't want to live anymore, I wanted to be with Ryan, and with my dad. I wished that the drugs had killed me, but life isn't fair. I wanted to be with Chrispher, but for some reason I survived. So I decided to fight. I went to AA meetings, and I stayed clean and sober. I got my life back together, and became a better person, a stronger person. But you can NOT say that nothing bad happened to me." I explain, crossing my legs and sitting back in bed, trying to remain calm. "And you especially can not judge people for choosing to get help. AA is a part of me, it's the reason I'm here today, it's the reason I'm alive. " I add, looking to Zola, waiting for her response. I hate that I had to have this conversation. She is too young to know the depths of my pain. She shouldn't know that suicidal thoughts exist, and she especially shouldn't know that I struggled with them, but I didn't have a choice. If I didn't tell her, then she wouldn't learn. She needs to know she can't simply cast judgement on people like that, you don't always know what they have been through.
"I'm sorry." She says quietly, seeing the harm that her words have done.
"When I don't talk about things, it's not because I don't trust you, it's because it's private, and because I don't like talking about it. It's because it makes me remember the days when I didn't want to be here anymore. Sometimes talking about it makes me want to take drugs. I don't like having those feelings. We are all allowed to have things in our past we don't like to talk about. I didn't want you to know my pain existed."
Zola gets up and walks to the dresser, picking up the box of tissues and bringing them to me.
"I'm sorry Aunty Melia." She says timidly.
"I know you are. Come here." I tell her, opening my arms for a hug, despite the anger I'm still feeling, I know this is what she needs. I watch her crawl into my embrace, waiting for her head to rest in my chest. "Now you now my truth, I need to know yours. Why did this upset you so much? You are one of the most kind and understanding young women I have ever met, and you know better than to make such hurtful comments. What happened?" I ask, stroking my fingers through her hair as she rests her head on my chest.
"Do I have to tell you?" Zola asks me, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"No, but it might help me make it better?" I explain, holding her tightly against me.
"I always wanted to be a neurosurgeon like Dad." She begins and I nod knowingly. "But then he died, so he couldn't help me anymore, so I need you to help me. Drugs kill people Aunty Melia, and I need you to help me make Dad proud. I can't do it if you're dead too." She explains, and her grip on my body grows stronger.
"Your dad is already proud of you Zozo. I know he is, because I am, but I also know he would be disappointed in how you acted today. I will help you to become anything you want to be, you are brave, and smart and you could do anything you put your mind to, with or without my help."
"But I want to be a neurosurgeon with your help. I don't want to lose you. Mom's dad died because of alcohol, and your boyfriend because of drugs and I need you to stay alive."
"I'm not going anywhere. I promise. You're not going to lose me." I hold her close. I can't break this promise, ever.
"Aunty Melia, can I ask one more question?" Zola asks after several moments of silence.
"Sure."
"Could I get a copy of the photo of Christopher? I want to remember my cousin." She explains, gently running her fingers over the glass of the frame.
"Yeah. I'm sure we could make that happen." I agree, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head.
"I really am sorry I said those mean things. I know you're not a liar really."
"I know you're sorry. I forgive you, but I want you to remember this okay? Next time you think about using your words to hurt someone, think about this. You never know what somebody is going through."
It must have been over an hour when there is a light knock on the door and Arizona walks in to see Zola asleep, tucked up in my embrace, the photograph of Christopher still balanced in the arms.
"Meredith wants to know if you're both okay." She asks quietly and I nod, telling Arizona it's okay, and that she can send Meredith in.
Mers face visibly relaxes when she sees Zola's unconscious state of rest.
"Are you okay?" She asks cautiously and I nod, and notion for her to sit on the bed.
"I will be. Zola is okay though."
"I'm sorry for what she said, it can't have been easy to hear. I'm going to talk to her, make sure she knows that what she said was wrong."
"She knows. She isn't going to do it again. She was just scared."
"Of what? You?" Meredith asks, visibly confused.
"Of losing me. She knows your dad died because of alcohol related liver problems, and then finding out Ryan died because of drugs, she was scared she would lose me too, but I promised that wouldn't happen."
"I never spoke to her about Thatcher."
"Who?"
"My dad."
"She overheard you and Alex talking about him at some point. I'm not sure exactly when." I explain, recalling the day Zola had mentioned it to me at the museum.
"Can I ask you a question?" Meredith asks me, her voice seems uncertain, cautious even. I nod my head slowly in response. It's not surprising that she has questions, a lot has happened today. "Why did we come here? What did you want to show her?" My sister in law proceeds to ask.
I signal toward the frame in my nieces arms, carefully removing it from her unconscious embrace. I take a quick look at the image before passing it to Meredith.
"Is this?"
"My baby?" I finish for her. "Yeah, that's Christopher. I just, I was so mad when she said I hadn't lost anything, because it felt like I had lost everything." I explain, wiping my tears from my eyes before they're able to fall.
"I'm sorry." Mer says softly but I shake my head. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't know if I can talk about this anymore.
"It's fine. I should probably get out of bed. You want me to wake her up?" I offer Meredith but she shakes her head, indicating no. "Do you want to stay for dinner and we can wake her when food's ready?"
"That would be nice. You're a good Aunt, Amelia. All of the kids, they're lucky to have you."
We decide to order a pizza. None of us really felt like cooking and it seemed to be the easiest option. Arizona doesn't bring up the topic, she knows it would probably be too much to talk about all at once, and the fact that Meredith and Sofia are both in the room would limit what I would be willing to discuss. We make our way to sit on the couch, I am holding Arizona's hand but decide against any further physical contact, but apparently Sofia hadn't noticed and comes to squish herself in between us on the chair.
"I'm sorry Amy, I didn't mean to make you or Zola sad." She says quietly as she rests her head on my side.
"You didn't do anything wrong Sof, you just told the truth. Zola and I will both be okay."
I ask the young girl about her day at school, making sure to give her the time we had planned for. It's rare that Arizona and I are both free for school pickup, so we had planned for a quiet afternoon before the commotion occurred. Sofia tells us about a project she is working on with Zola. She tells us they had free choice of a topic that interested them and they had to research how that topic varies around the world. They decided to choose adoption, a shared experience in their lives, something that changed both of their lifestyles. Zola being adopted from Malawi and Sofia being adopted by Arizona giving her three legal guardians, it's an understandable choice, yet not something either child had shown much interest in so comes as a surprise to myself, Arizona and Meredith.
When Pizza arrives I volunteer to go wake Zola from her nap. "Zola baby, time to wake up, food is ready." I say quietly, sitting myself on the edge of the bed and placing my hand on her arm. "Come on sleepy girl, time to get up." I say again, watching her stir and open her eyes.
"Aunty Melia?" She questions sleepily.
"Pizza is here. You coming?"
"Are you still mad at me?" Zola asks with a concerned look.
"I'm not mad at you Zola. I can't just forget what happened, but I love you so much and we are both going to be okay. I promise."
"I'm really sorry."
"I know you are. Come on, let's go get food." I encourage, taking her hand in my own and giving it an encouraging squeeze. We are going to get through this.