I had two short chapters next to each other so decided to combine them because why not. You guys are awesome for reading and deserve them.
Enjoy!
Amelia POV
"Are you sure you're okay with this? I know it's last minute."
"It'll be fine. If he raised you to be this incredible I'm sure I'll like him."
"It's just… He can be a little intimidating. He has a habit of interrogating my girlfriends."
"Az. I promise. I will be fine. I look forward to meeting him. Do you have many more surgeries this afternoon?" I ask, switching my phone to under my other ear while I carry dishes through to the kitchen, hiding the evidence of mine and Sofia's 'picnic' that we had in the living room while Arizona was at work.
"I have a shunt placement in a few minutes, hopefully that won't take too long and then I have half an hour for lunch and two C-sections before I'm free. Nothing too difficult but it'll keep me busy."
"Okay. And I'm going to pick you up at 6 to go straight to the restaurant?"
"That is the plan. Please remember to bring my other leg though, the dress I have out really won't go well with this one."
"I will. It is by the door. I won't forget it."
"Okay. Guess I'll see you at 6 then."
"You will indeed. I love you."
"I love you too."
I walk through to Sofia's room, seeing her sat with her homework book on the desk.
"You want to take a break?" I ask and she puts her pencil down to look towards the door where I am standing.
"Why?"
"Your Mom is stressed. I thought we could go visit her at the hospital, help her calm down."
"Why is she stressed?"
"Because her Dad is going to be in Seattle tonight, and she really wants me to meet him, but is scared that we won't like each other."
"Why wouldn't you like each other?"
"I don't know baby, sometimes people just don't get on. But, I think if your mom is so amazing, her dad must be too."
"Yeah. And you. You're amazing so he has to like you."
"Thanks Sof, I'm glad you think so."
It doesn't take us long to get our things together ready to go to the hospital. Sofia is more than happy to escape the house for a while and I know Arizona will appreciate the gesture. Although the hospital food isn't great, sitting together in the cafeteria with your girlfriend seems to make it better. We make our way to the paeds ward, asking Alex to page her knowing her surgery is almost over and wanting our arrival to be a pleasant surprise.
While we wait, Alex makes use of Sofia's presence, he explains he has a patient who loves Disney princesses but he doesn't know what the young girl is talking about. He gets up a picture on his phone and Sofia talks about each of them while Alex looks increasingly confused.
"Hey you pag- oh, hi, what are you doing here?"
"Waiting for you to respond to your page so we can go to lunch." I respond.
"We wanted to surprise you!" Sofia adds excitedly.
"Well you definitely surprised me, that's for sure."
"In a good way right?" I ask quietly, slipping my hand into my girlfriends.
"The best way."
Sofia slips between Arizona and I, pulling our hands apart and replacing them with her own. I smile, accepting the offer and reaching out my hand to hold Sofia's. We walk through the cafeteria queues while Arizona gets lunch. I get an apple and Sofia asks for a yogurt and a brownie.
"Do you not want anything else for lunch?" My girlfriend asks me, concerned that I only had the piece of fruit.
"We had a picnic back at the apartment so I've already eaten. We just wanted to come see you."
"I know I say this a lot, but I love you. I love how you know how I'm feeling and what I need even when I don't tell you."
"I just want to see you happy. Plus, the more time we are together the less time you're worrying out tonight."
"Why are you worried anyway mom? Melia is awesome, grandpa has to like her."
"See, your 5th grader is calmer than you are."
"She's right though Amelia, you are awesome. I'm sure it will be okay. It's just my dad right? Nothing to panic about."
"Your words may be confident but you look like you're about to hyperventilate." I joke, reaching out my hand to grip tightly to Arizona's. "I promise, it'll be fine, we will be fine."
Arizona POV
Today has seemed to have passed slower than normal. I know it's just because I'm anxious, but the fact that time felt slower only seemed to add to the nerves. I wish I could explain why I feel so nervous, but I can't. I know my dad will have questions about our relationship but that isn't a problem, I mean we have been dating well over a year so we aren't still questioning the little things. We are truly happy together and surely my dad will see that.
"Hey, you ready to go?" I hear my girlfriend ask and I look up to the doorway of the attendings lounge. Amelia is wearing a deep red top, it is fitted perfectly to her subtle muscular build but it flows at the bottom. She is wearing tight black jeans with small heels, enough to make her a little taller and make her posture a little more pronounced but small enough to walk in comfortably.
"Wow, Amelia, you look… Incredible."
"You don't look too bad yourself, Robbins." Amelia says with a small grin and shake of her head. "You ready to go?"
"Yep. Let's do this."
When we arrive at the restaurant we are taken straight to the table thanks to our booking.
"This place is nice." Amelia says, looking around briefly. The layout is modern and simplistic.
"You haven't been here before?"
"You know my dating history right? Since being in seattle, I haven't really been on dates that weren't with you and this place seems far too posh to bring children under the age of 10."
"You're going to love the food, it's amazing. I've been here several times and I'm yet to be disappoin- Dad, hi!." I exclaim, standing up to greet my Dad as I see him walk towards our table.
"Mr Robbins, nice to meet you." Amelia says with a smile, holding out her hand to shake his.
"Call me Daniel, and you must be Amelia?"
"That would be me."
"It's so nice to finally put a face to the name, I've heard a lot about you."
"Good things, I hope?" She questions with a small smile, turning to look at me, silently asking what I had told him.
"All good." My dad responds for me. "So much so that I was unsure you were real."
"Well I hope I can live up to this incredibly high standard you have set for me." Amelia jokes, and I shakes her head in response.
"So dad, how was your trip?"
"Boring, but better now that I'm here. I miss you kiddo, I miss having you around."
"You do realise I've been gone 20 years right? This isn't a new thing."
"I know. I just get reminded of the good times when I see you." He says with a smile and I begin to relax.
How is my favourite Granddaughter?"
"Sof is great. She is growing too fast but she is smart and kind and everything I want her to be." I explain, feeling the warmth in my chest when I speak about my daughter. The love and joy I feel for her is unlike anything I have ever known. She is such a special child and I'm so glad I got the opportunity to raise her, to be her Mom. Choosing to raise her with Callie was one of the best decisions of her life.
"I remember feeling that about you. I have no doubt she will be just as special. What about you Amelia, do you want kids?"
"I'm happy as we are. I love Sofia, and I regularly look after my nieces and nephew and I think that's enough for me."
"You don't think you'd want a baby?"
"Amelia, you don't have to answer, it's okay." I say quietly, placing my hand gently on her arm.
"It's okay." She tells me honestly. "I had a Son, he died as a baby. I don't think I would ever want to have another, I'm not sure I could get through that again. I'm just grateful that Sof is happy and sees me as a 'mom' figure."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I uh." My Dad stammers, unsure how else to respond.
"It's okay. You couldn't have known" She says with a small smile and I feel her hand reach under the table to hold mine.
"Arizona says you were in the army?" Amelia says, trying to change the topic.
"Marine Corps, and I still am. I help with recruits, giving talks at events. That's why I'm in Seattle."
"My Mom was a nurse in the Army, she is a part of the reason I got into medicine." My girlfriend responds.
"I guess that makes sense. I have no idea where Arizona got the idea from, but I couldn't be prouder." My dad explains with a smile, reaching out a hand to place it on my arm.
"Thanks Dad."
The rest of the evening proceeds smoothly. I begin to calm down, realising that my dad and Amelia get along, and Amelia begins to relax as the initial questioning transforms into general conversation. It feels right.
Arizona POV
I wake up and check the clock by my bed seeing it's only 3am so I roll over to go back to sleep. To my surprise Amelia is no longer in bed beside me and the sheets are cold. I reach to the side of my bed, picking up a t-shirt and my crutches, slipping into the top before going to find my girlfriend. I see a light on in the living room, my eyes take a moment to adjust to the brightness but I make my way toward her. She has her sketchbook on her lap but she isn't drawing. I can see a stray tear roll down her face.
"Amy, you okay?" I ask, almost immediately regretting my question. Of course she isn't, if she were she definitely wouldn't be sat crying on her own at 3am.
"I erm-" Amelia starts, but her words fail. She shakes her head slowly and I move to sit down beside her on the couch. I make sure to leave a gap between us, giving her total control of the situation. I offer her my hand which she immediately accepts. I can feel her hands shaking but I resist the temptation to say anything. I know she will talk to me when she is ready.
Over the course of about 30 minutes Amelia has slowly moved closer to me, eventually ending up tucked into my side, her head on my chest and her arms clinging to mine. "I'm sorry. I didn't want, I just, I couldn't, I don't know." She stammers, her words not making any sense.
"Deep breaths Amelia, breathe with me okay. In… And out… In… And out…" I whisper quietly, feeling her breathing begin to regulate against my body. "You've got it, well done. You're safe. I've got you." I keep whispering small words of encouragement until she has fully calmed down.
Amelia's body is shaking in my arms. It's been several months since I have seen her this upset. I hate that there isn't anything I can do to help her except be here. I wish I could take all her pain away from her, I just want her to be happy, and safe. I want to protect her from the world, but I am too late, I can't keep her safe from the past, from her memories. I keep her held tight in my arms. I don't know what is going through her mind, but whatever it is, she is safe with me. I glance around the room to check for any clues that might indicate what had happened since I fell asleep last night but I come up empty.
"Please don't be mad at me." Amelia begs quietly, tears still falling down her face.
"Why would I be mad? I'm not mad at you." I reply simply. I rub my hand in small circles on her back trying to comfort her, still unsure of what had happened.
"I'm broken Arizona. I don't think I can be fixed." She sobs, her voice breaking due to the tears.
"You are not broken Amelia, you have been through so much, and you have kept fighting. I know you feel broken sometimes but you're so strong. You're stronger than anyone I've ever met." I say firmly, but she shakes her head indicating otherwise.
"I cut tonight. About an hour ago." Amelia admits, wiping her tears from her face with her hand. "It's humiliating. It's like day one all over again." She explains, tilting her eyes to look toward the ceiling, trying to prevent more tears from forming. "You deserve someone so much better than me."
"I don't want anybody else Amelia. I want you. I want all of you. I know how hard you're trying, and I love you, so so much. It's okay not to succeed, it's okay to fail, as long as you keep trying."
"I am trying."
"I know. I know you are."
"Today would have been Ryan's birthday. He would have been 40. It's stupid, I didn't even know him for that long but uh, it feels big. I keep thinking, I gave him the drugs,
If I hadn't, maybe he… I don't know."
"It was not your fault he died. He chose to take those drugs. If you hadn't given him them, he probably would have got them from somewhere else." I state simply. It's not her fault he died, I need her to see that
"You don't know that."
"You're right. I don't, but you don't know either. There is no way of knowing what would be different. You can't blame yourself. We just have this, now. You have me, and I'm not going anywhere." I explain, trying my hardest to reassure her, letting her know I'm not going anywhere.
"But I do blame myse-"
"Amelia, stop. It wasn't your fault. Blaming yourself won't help anyone."
"Its so stupid though. I just don't get why I did it. I've never had bigger cravings because it was his birthday before? I don't know what's different about today and I feel like crap and it's just too much for me to handle. It's too much."
"I know it feels like it's too much for you, but I know you can get through this. Even if you don't trust yourself, I trust you will get through this."
"Why?"
"Because I know you, I see you and I love you. I know you will do whatever it takes to keep fighting for me, Sofia, your nieces and nephews. You're allowed all your feelings right here and now, I know you're going to get through it in the end."
I keep my eyes on Amelia, forgetting my tiredness that I was feeling less than an hour ago. She has fallen back asleep in my arms and while I'm grateful she is getting rest, I know the contact with me is likely to trigger nightmares for her. She was so happy last night, we had a nice evening just relaxing and talking. She helped Sofia with her German homework, making stupid jokes with her. There wasn't a hint that anything was wrong, that anything could go wrong.
"Please stop. Don't hurt me please. I want to go home." Amelia mumbles as she sleeps.
"Amelia sweetie, wake up for me. It's Arizona, you're safe, I've got you. Wake up for me." I whisper, gradually increasing the volume until her eyes snap open. "I've got you. It was just a dream, you're okay." I continue as she comes to remember the nights events. "Do you want me to let go?" I offer, not wanting to make any sudden movements when taking my arms away from her, everything is her choice. Surprisingly, she shakes her head no, indicating she doesn't want to be released from my embrace. I trace my hand up and down her arm, trying to offer gentle comfort. It's the only thing I know I can do.
"Mom, is Amelia okay? I hear quietly from the doorway. Both Amelia and I look towards Sofia who must have just woken up. I look to Amelia who looks back at me. She doesn't know what to say, her eyes telling me she can't answer right now.
"She will be. She had a bad dream but she will be okay. Why are you awake? It's not even half past four?"
"I needed the bathroom, but the cupboards have all been emptied and it's messy in there."
Amelia's eyes show immediate panic and I realise what must have occurred. Amelia must have been looking for her blades that we had removed, looking for a spare somewhere.
"Sorry hun, that's my fault, I'm going to come clean it up. Can you wait for two minutes?" I ask my daughter before looking to Amelia who gives me a small nod, thanking me silently for taking the blame, letting me know it's okay, that I can leave her to clean up.
I get up from my seat, placing a light kiss on Amelia's forehead, whispering that I'll be right back. I walk past my daughter to see the mess in the bathroom. It's not as bad as I expected, things are out of the cupboards but there is thankfully no blood to be seen, no evidence of Amelia self harm that has occurred. I quickly put things back in their place, looking around the room to make sure I've tidied everything. When I go back to the living room, I see Sofia is sitting by Amelia's side. My daughter is talking to Amelia, holding her hand and Amelia is smiling softly.
"You both okay?"
"When I used to have bad dreams, you would talk to me about happy memories so I thought that would work for Amy. I talked about the zoo, and the time when I came back and we saw Lion King and she got mad about the characters."
"I had lots of fun that day." Amelia speaks for the first time since waking up. Her voice is raspy from crying, but she seems better than before.
"Me too."
"The bathroom is sorted, Sof." I tell my daughter, I watch as she looks to Amelia, almost as though she is asking permission to go, checking in that my girlfriend will be okay. Amelia nods at her, removing her hand from our daughters and Sofia gets up to leave.
I take my daughters seat on the couch and Amelia leans back into my side.
"Sorry, I didn't know she would come sit with you, I know you don't like her to see you when you're sad." I say quietly, not wanting my daughter to overhear.
"It's okay. She actually helped. I love her Az, she is incredible. I panicked when she first sat down. She offered a hug and when I said no, she just held out her hand like it was the most simple thing in the world."
"I know I'm biased, but you're right. She is incredible, and so are you." I tell her honestly.
Sofia comes back to the living room rather than going back to bed. She asks if she can stay up with us, telling us she wanted to stay with Amelia while she is sad.
"You have school tomorrow, you need to go back to sleep." I instruct, knowing that my daughters heart is in the right place, I know she just wants to comfort Amelia, but she needs to be well rested to concentrate in school.
"But I want to stay with Melia." Sofia says sadly.
"We are going back to bed too, Sof." Amelia tells her and I look toward my girlfriend. "How about we go for ice cream after school tomorrow and we can spend time together then?" Amelia offers.
"Can we go to the ice cream shop thats near the hospital? The one with all the good flavors that we went to before?" Sofia asks, visibly excited.
"Sure, as long as you go back to bed now. Do you want a hug first?" Amelia suggests, putting her hand in my own first. She grips tightly to my hand while giving Sofia a hug, I can tell she is still tensed but she is okay.
"Goodnight Amy, good night Mom, I love you." Sofia shouts before she runs back to her room.
Amelia takes my hand and leads me back to our bedroom. I was unsure whether she had intended to go back to bed, or whether she simply said we were to convince Sofia to go back to bed. I watch as she sits down on the edge of the bed and I decide to sit next to her.
"My dressings are starting to leak already." Amelia says quietly. I am unsure if she is talking to herself or to me until she looks to her side where I am seated.
"Do you want me-"
"Could you help me wi-" Amelia and I speak at the same time. I look to my girlfriend, offering a slight nod, telling her to continue.
"Could you help me clean them, check if they need suturing?"
I climb down from the bed, collecting the first aid kit we keep in the bedside table while Amelia removed the blood soaked dressings. All the lacerations are located on her right thigh, and several of them appear to require further attention.
"I'm going to clean the cuts now Amelia, it's going to sting for a few moments." I explain. I know she knows already, she knows the procedure, but since the first time she asked for help, when she asked me to tell her whenever I am going to do something, I've gotten into the habit of doing it every time. If knowing exactly what I am doing will reduce some of her anxiety then I am more than willing to help. "Amelia sweetie, some of these need stitches. Do you want me to do them now?" I ask in the calmest tone I can find.
When I don't get a verbal response, I look up to her face to see a small nod.
"I'm going to start with the top one, it appears to need about 5 sutures." I state before beginning. I see her muscles clench with the pain but she doesn't make a sound. I wish I had some local anesthetic to numb the pain, but I don't, not at home. I try to work quickly while being as careful as possible. Just as I am finishing with the second cut, I feel Amelia's hand on my arm. "Stop, please."
"Are you okay?"
"It hurts. I just need a moment if that's okay."
"Of course it's okay. I'm going to go get an ice pack to try to numb the area a bit." I announce, leaving to go to the kitchen quickly before heading back. I pass the ice pack to my girlfriend who places it on her leg with one hand and takes my hand in her other.
"Why didn't you wake me Amelia? You know this isn't your only outlet."
"I couldn't. I just, couldn't. I don't know why, I've been able to before but tonight I just couldn't. Please don't be mad."
"I promise I'm not mad, not at all. I just hate to see you hurting."
"I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologise Amelia, you're letting me be here now. Do you want me to continue?" I ask, flicking my eyes back to her leg where the ice pack has been numbing the cuts.
"Yeah, you can try again. I'll tell you if I need another break."
"Can you tell me what happened in the bathroom?" I ask as I begin on the final cut.
"I wanted my blade, I panicked when I couldn't find it. I forgot you had it put away somewhere."
"What did you do?"
"Use scissors instead."
It takes all my will to not lecture my girlfriend on the risks of using household equipment. The chances of infection are significantly higher than if she were to use a sterilised blade. Instead, I finish up suturing her leg, place a dressing over the Wounds and climb back into bed, opening my arms for her to sit beside me.
"I think we should put your blade back in the bathroom." I tell her quietly, tucking her hair behind her ear and wiping the tears from below her eyes. She shakes her head indicating she is in disagreement, that she doesn't want to put the blade back to its previous home. "It doesn't have to go back forever, just for a while." I add but she shakes her head again. "Why not?"
"Because then I've failed. I don't want to have failed."
"It's not failing Amelia, you just hit a bump in the road, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you're not getting better, because you are, I know you are." I encourage, gently rubbing circles on her back.
"Yeah." Amelia agrees with me, suppressing a yawn.
"You want to get a couple more hours of sleep?" I offer and my girlfriend nods, climbing back under the blankets. Just as I am getting comfy I feel Amelia's hand link with my own between us. "Wake me if you need me."
"I will."