And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have
And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before

After the Storm – Mumford & Sons

Chapter 38: More than Bittersweet

Lexi

"Brady," I heard myself utter.

I'd been so wrapped up in my new body that I had barely bothered to worry why so much of my head was a jumbled mess when I tried to think of anything before my accident. Before the burning…

My mind seemed to hurtle forward, thrusting memories of the burning to the forefront of my mind. It was a struggled to push past it and remember anything further back. The wolf's howl had cleared a path through my brain into the past, or so it seemed. It was difficult, but I could form his face in my mind. Remember things from before was hard – as soon as I remembered the way his tan skin and strong jaw looked, the memory seemed to float away and out of my grasp like a balloon towards the sky.

They were at my side in a moment.

"Wolves," Alice muttered. She shared a look with the others. A pointed look. Another trace of the scent blew by my nose, clouding everything else.

The Cullens hovered around me, their golden eyes wide with worry as I made a sound I can only describe as an angered growl. It felt so natural – the rumbling, guttural noise that flowed from my throat as the scent lingered in the air. Enemy, a voice whispered within my mind. The same voice that had urged me to hunt and kill and drain the elk. It was pushing me forward a second time – towards the wolf.

Towards Brady.

I started forward, but stopped. I could remember him, but the trace of the scent floating through the air made a flag of caution rise up in my mind. Stop, it begged, danger.

But how did it know?

Brady wasn't dangerous to me….or was he? I felt myself start to panic as the indecisive feelings began overwhelming. They rose like water; it felt like they would brim up and swallow me whole. I froze as I stared in the direction of the wolf's howl, unable to decide what to do next.

My skin itched as I fought the urge to bolt after the noise of the wolf – of Brady, I realized, and rip it to pieces. My eyes stared in the direction of the scent, wide and unblinking. I wanted to chase the wolf and kill it – it was making my senses go into danger overload. But Brady….

"They're one in the same," I heard Edward mutter. I glanced over, his eyes darting up to meet mine.

I opened my mouth to speak, but my mind was whirring so quickly I couldn't even form the words to ask him what he meant. This was so confusing…

"Brady has been following us," he continued. "I could hear his thoughts… he wanted… he wanted to make sure you were safe with us," he added with a pained look. I remembered Rosalie telling me he could hear my thoughts as well as the thoughts of everyone around him. My dead heart felt like it should have stuttered with pain at the thought of him.

"I feel so… strange… again," I whispered. Again Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward exchanged worried glances that I didn't miss. "I want to go after him. I want to…I need to see him," I insisted.

Rosalie shook her head. "Lexi…"

"We're natural enemies," Alice said softly. "But we've had a treaty with Jacob's and Sam's pack for years now."

I struggled to remember it all – the wolves, the pack, Brady being a shifter. It was difficult to conjure the memories in my otherwise sharp mind. It was incredibly frustrating. I heard myself growl in defeat.

"It's going to be okay, Lexi," Rosalie assured me, placing her hand on my shoulder. I shrugged her off and walked slowly – which felt strange now – to the edge of the creek.

"This stream signifies the cutoff," Edward explained, "Between our land and theirs. Our peace with the wolves is withstanding, but they respect it still to this day. They won't cross it knowing you're here now."

I nodded. I understood what he was trying to tell me – they had a treaty worked out with the wolves and no one wanted me to break it. I stared out at the icy forest, realizing my body was completely numb to the cold and wind and light rain that had started to fall. It didn't bother me in the least. But that's because I was no longer myself. I was a monster now. A vampire. A cold, half dead, half living thing with no heartbeat and a thirst for blood. And a rage within me that quietly coaxed me to kill. That voice had urged me to go after him, to rip him up. I'd had to fight it to keep myself from obeying. I'd had to ignore it and it had been anything but easy. The forest had become eerily quiet as the four statues across from me stared. I could feel their trepidation each time I figured out one more horrible detail of my new life.

"No, I get it," I insisted quietly, my throat going tight. "It's because I'm a killer now."

The Cullens finally convinced me to go back to their house. The run was all too short, but we'd been gone for hours. When Rosalie suggested a hot shower, I'd stood beneath the streams of steaming water for I don't know how long. I lathered myself up with every sweet smelling concoction lining the tiled shelf and washed away all traces of the animal blood and then simply stood there, watching the streams of water run down the shiny tiles. Eventually all of the dried blood ran down the white tiles and down the drain, fading from red to pink to finally just water. I was clean, but I felt far from it.

I closed my eyes, blinking slowly. There was no relief tied to it, I realized. Breathing, blinking, moving. I no longer felt the urge to scratch, sneeze, twitch, and fidget. I felt like a host of an alien body – or was it the other way around? It had only been a few days, according to what the Cullens told me, but I felt like my old self was already years behind me. I tried my best to concentrate on everything I could remember – really focus on it. I found that the more I tried, the blurrier some memories got. Others – Brady, the burning, my fall from the tree - came rushing back.

I don't get why people say death is peaceful. My death had been anything but peaceful. My death had been nothing but pain and tears and the sudden mourning of an unfinished life. No, my death hadn't been peaceful.

But you're still Lexi. You're still you, Rosalie had told me on the way back to the house. I didn't believe her – I couldn't. I was physically here now, but I wasn't myself. Maybe vampires were just hard creatures without souls. That's what I felt like, anyway. I didn't feel like Lexi anymore. She felt like a distant memory that was slipping further away with every tick of the clock. Her words may as well have fallen on deaf ears. I wasn't even sure if I was really alive – I had no heartbeat, no pulse, and hard, stone like skin that was so smooth and flawless I felt like a walking granite countertop.

I'd made the mistake of glancing in the clean, mirror-like windows of the house when we returned to the house. It seemed like the way I'd screamed had echoed from the trees for ages when I saw the ghostly white girl covered in blood like she'd just murdered an entire town. My clothes were covered in blood, mud, and dripping wet from trying to wash myself off in the frozen river. My eyes were as red as the blood that covered my clothes and my light-blonde hair was stuck up in several directions and contained a few dried leaves and burrs.

At least the fire was gone. Even with my new advanced mind, I couldn't come up with words to describe what I'd gone through after he'd bitten me. I gasped quietly, covering my mouth as the water streamed down on me. I remembered his eyes, I realized. His blood red, cold, dead eyes. My mind took me back to the fuzzy memory of being held in the tree, dangling in the air like nothing more than a windsock. Then he'd ripped my neck open and dropped me like I was nothing.

I wanted to cry. But I couldn't, I realized.

Instead I kept my hand cupped over my mouth and squeezed my eyes shut under the streams of water.

"When were you going to tell me?" I asked after I got out. I sat on the bed, wrapped in a silk robe with Rosalie gently brushing out my hair.

"Tell you what?" she asked. The hurt tone and soft cadence of her voice answered the question for me. She's been avoiding telling me about Brady and my family, of reminding me all that I had to leave behind.

"I'm new to this, but I know enough to do that math," I muttered picking at my granite-hard nails. Picking at your cuticles absentmindedly did nothing satisfying when your body was hard as stone. "I know how good those animals smelled. I can only guess how people smell. I can't ever go near them again, can I? My family?"

Rosalie stilled behind me. I didn't need to hear her answer.

"No."

I lowered my head, staring at my lap. The memories of their faces – my mother, father, brothers, Patrick… they were foggy, like I hadn't seen them in years. My eyes focused on the royal purple color of the bedspread beneath us, easily dissecting the layers of fibers. It was so strange to be able to see, hear, feel, smell… everything.

"I tried to go back," she murmured, sliding the paddle brush down my hair.

I glanced at her over my shoulder. "What?"

Her face looked angelic and nostalgic as she gazed off into space, blinking slowly. "I tried to go back to my house. I disguised myself of course, but I still went back to see if my family had… if they mourned me," she sighed, a slight hitch in her voice. "I wanted to check on my brothers. My mother, father… and see what had changed without me."

She sighed, gently dragging the brush down my scalp. "My life had stopped in its tracks. Frozen. But theirs… theirs carried on. I was a memory."

I looked at her questioningly over my shoulder again. "What happened? To you, I mean? To make you this way?"

She stopped brushing. She sniffed to herself and shook her head. "Would it make you feel any better to know that this… life… wasn't my choice either?"

My eyes lowered to the purple bedspread again, and I shook my head. "Not really."

Rosalie inhaled softly and continued slowly brushing. "Another time, maybe."

If I thought waking up a vampire was strange… well, I really hadn't seen anything yet.

First – vampires weren't anything like they were in the movies. I thumbed through book after book in Carlisle's library that evening as Rosalie sat perched on a nearby ottoman, gently talking me through everything. I felt like a stranger in my own body. I would no longer eat real food, I learned. It would feel like stones in my stomach and I'd have to force myself to cough it up if I ever had to eat it to look normal. Water wouldn't sate the burn in my throat, nor would alcohol, milk, or any other liquid – from now on my only selection was animal blood. Blood, blood, and more blood. But apparently the flavors varied.

"I can tolerate elk or even something as small as a squirrel if I just need a drink," she explained delicately, folding her hands in her lap. "If I know I'm going to be around humans… and things are going to be difficult for me… then I always overfeed or make sure I'm at least as well fed as I can manage before I subject myself to it."

"Human smell… bad? I thought after everything you've told me they would smell amazing."

She pursed her lips and stared at her lap. "They do... They smell like… a steak. A Thanksgiving meal. A freshly baked pie. Wonderful. But we don't partake in that… diet," she replied tightly, her golden eyes going a little unfocused. I watched her as she inhaled deeply and closed her eyes. She opened them, focusing on me. "You'll need to prepare yourself, Lexi. Human smell like the most wonderful meal you could ever eat. But resisting them is the most excruciating torture you'll ever endure. Your throat will burn, your mouth will fill with venom, and you'll have the most murderous, traitorous thoughts you've never heard yourself dare to think. But you will think them… someday. You need to be ready for that."

I shook my head and stared at my lap. "So I have that to look forward to," I muttered. I let my teeth scrape against my lip as I pictured the faces of people I'd come to know. They were blurry, but I could do it. Regan, Claire, Sue, Charlie, my teachers…. "I could never kill someone. Ever."

"I thought the same thing. And when I was first turned I… I thought I would be fine. My self-control was legendary and surprised everyone in the house. But… the first time Esme and Carlisle took me to a social in town I… I had to leave. Quickly. It didn't take long until I found out that my self-control was nothing that I thought it was. I needed to be careful."

A social? I thought. What on earth was that? For the second time that night, I wondered just how old Rosalie and the rest of the Cullens were. It wasn't the first time one of them had slipped a term in that I had only read in books or heard in old movies. Old ones. I was curious how old they all were, but that seemed like a personal question to ask to someone I'd just met. Especially someone I'd just me that adopted me.

"Acting human can be…challenging."

I stared at her, watching as she twisted her hands in her lap. She'd learned to fidget like a human that was for sure. No wonder no one suspected them. "But you seem so…"

"I know. It takes practice. Years of practice."

I blinked slowly, taking her words in. Standing, I walked over to the large, ornate mirror that hung on one wall. It took me a few seconds to work up the courage to look up and meet the gaze of my reflection. Even after preparing myself I still wanted to jump. I looked so… scary. Blood red eyes stared back at me from a face that was so pale white and perfect it belonged in some sort of twisted Sci-fi movie. The girl in the mirror was stone still, her creepy eyes staring back at me. Her smooth, porcelain looking skin had no freckles, scars, or imperfections. Hair that fell in soft, perfect looking silver-blonde waves below her straight shoulders. My posture had never been this good when I was human, nor had I ever been this pale or good looking. Stepping closer, I observed my reflection. Even without a stitch of makeup on, my skin was even and smooth, turning just slightly pink on my curved cheekbones. My lips were fuller and a deeper shade of pink than I remembered. My eyes moved upwards, focusing on the purplish bags under my eyes – that was the only downside, Rosalie explained. When we were thirsty, our eyes darkened to black and dark rings tended to appear beneath them. I guess as a constantly thirsty 'newborn' vampire, I'd have to get used to that. My eyelashes were longer and darker; reaching out, I lightly ran my fingertip down them to make sure I wasn't wearing any mascara. I wasn't.

The girl in the mirror was striking and terrifying. This wasn't me – and everyone would know it. I couldn't go back to my home because I looked like an extra in a Twilight zone episode. They'd know something was different right away – what would I tell them?

And I guess I'd want to kill anything with a pulse.

I swallowed, testing the burn in my throat. It had been subdued to an uncomfortable itch, but I could guess that it wouldn't be going away anytime soon from what Rosalie had told me. I would never look the same again, I'd never die, never sleep, never hear my heartbeat. I'd only ever drink animal blood and I'd have to avoid humans like the plague. But… all humans?

I turned around to look at her. She was thumbing through a thick magazine of interior design while I asked her questions. "What about Brady?"

She raised one blonde eyebrow. "What about him?"

"I… I remember him. Bits and pieces. It's weird, it's like my mind is coming back to me in fragments. It's really slow and it's hard to remember everything but….What about him?"

"Honestly? Brady is a wolf. You're a vampire. The two don't really mix I'm afraid," she said slowly.

"What do you mean?"

She exhaled and resumed flipping the pages in her magazine. "Well for starters… we're natural enemies. We've had a truce with them for years now because of Jacob and Renesmee, but I wouldn't voluntarily be spending any of my time with them," she sniffed. I sensed some tension there. I frowned. I fought to remember what Brady had told me about them – they were…bonded? No, imprints! I smiled to myself as I remembered the word.

"Jacob and Renesmee? Aren't they… imprints?"

She nodded. "Why?"

"Well… from what you told me earlier, Renesmee is a half vampire, right? Which is… really weird, even in this scenario," I mumbled. "I know Jacob is a wolf. How do they make it work? He doesn't want to kill her?"

Rosalie frowned. "I'm not… I don't know. But they do. But she's half a vampire. Not a full vampire, like you. I know… I mean I was there when you were bitten. Renesmee was born the way she is and Jacob imprinted on her right afterwards. I know Brady imprinted on you when you were a human, but… Lexi, I sincerely doubt that bond is still the same as it was before you were changed. The human part of you is…well, it's gone. You're a vampire now."

I glanced down at my hands. "I know. But I remember Brady and….don't you think he would remember me too? The human me? Maybe…."

Rosalie sighed deeply. "I sincerely doubt it. But…if this life has taught me anything, it's that…well, anything is possible."

"Have any other wolves imprinted on vampires?"

"Well, no… it's not something that happens every day. I don't think whatever… magic it is that allows them to imprint works on vampires."

"But Renesmee-"

"Half vampire, Lexi." She gave me a pleading look. "I don't know what would happen if you were to see Brady again. I really don't. But most vampires don't want anything to do with wolves if they can help it. They're our natural enemies and while they make good acquaintances and allies when you need them, I can't imagine you'd want to choose one for your mate."

"Mate?"

"Well… husband, boyfriend, lover… whatever you want to call it. Vampires use 'mate', wolves use 'imprint', and humans use marriage… we all have our terms. What I'm saying is… I don't know what you'd do if you saw him again. I don't think you'd exactly want to kiss him, Lexi. Most of the time I want to bash them over the head with a tree," she sighed.

I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. I wasn't myself anymore, that much was evident. But how would I feel about Brady? I focused hard, trying to remember him. His face came to the front of my mind easily enough now that I'd made myself think of him. I stared into the mirror, willing the memories to come back to me. They did… slowly. Standing in my front yard arguing in the rain… arguing at the prom… fighting in the parking deck at the mall… bickering in my dad's house… then my old bedroom. My bedroom! I fought back a blush, willing myself to calm down… before realizing I could no longer blush. I looked at Rosalie behind me in the reflection of the mirror.

"I really did love him. I want to see him again… just to talk to him."

Rosalie raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything for a long minute. "I won't keep you from him. But I don't know how you'll react. Your instincts are strong right now. You might want to kiss him or… you might want to pick a fight with him or rip his throat out."

I pictured Brady crouching before me in the woods – the memory was fuzzy, but I could at least recall the way his human form would shake and blur before morphing into a huge beast. I wasn't about to mess with anything like that, vampire or not. He was positively ferocious.

"Fight? With Brady? If he shifts, he'd tear me apart in no time."

She smirked. "Not so much. You're a newborn vampire, Lexi. You'd tear that pup limb from limb if you got the jump on him."

I whirled around to gape at her. "You mean… we might fight? Would he attack me?"

"No, I'm sure he wouldn't. He still… cares for you. He was nearly inconsolable while you turned and… we only made him leave because he has blood running through his veins. Stinky, dog-flavored blood, but still…"

"But would I attack him?"

"Probably."

I turned around to stare at myself in the mirror again. I couldn't picture myself fighting Brady. Of course we bickered and fought… about what I couldn't remember now, but surely we had. But would I seriously want to attack him? I could never remember being angry enough with someone that I'd wanted to attack them. I sighed. How much of me was really me, and how much was this monster I'd become? I didn't know – and that was terrifying. Glancing down, I held my hands up and turned them over. I was strong- I could feel how strong I was. I felt like a tightly coiled spring, ready to attack and rip something apart. But… I also felt like me. Somewhere. Deep down, at least. And the real me wouldn't pick a fight with Brady – I wouldn't pick a fight with anyone. I was sassy and opinionated, but I was more bark than bite.

"If you want to see him, I won't stop you. But… just give yourself a few days. I'll have Edward talk to him, ask him to keep his distance while you get used to this. Does that sound ok? Then in a week or so if you really want to see him… we'll arrange a safe meeting. Ok?"

"You would do that?"

She rolled her eyes. "I don't love the mutt, but I don't want to see you rip him apart in a fit of newborn rage. We'll make it safe for him, you have my word. For now just… focus on your memories and what makes you, you."

"I remember things, but… even things that only happened a few days ago feel like they happened years ago. It's blurry, but I can remember them."

She sighed, setting down her magazine. "You'll want to focus on your memories now, and think of them often. Your vampire mind is strong and sharp, but your human memories will be fleeting after time passes. I found that the more I thought of my fondest… and not so fond… um, memories… the easier they are for me to remember now. I can still remember things from my past and I make a point to revisit them often in my mind."

I bit my lip again as my curiosity overcame my need to be polite.

"How… long ago were you human? I mean, how long have you been like this?" I blurted out. Rosalie stared at me, her golden eyes surprised and then sad. Maybe I'd overstepped, but she didn't look too horrified.

"I'm… sorry," I stammered, "I wasn't a very… graceful and tactful as a human, and I guess I won't be as a vampire either. Especially when I'm nervous. Which I am right now. I erm… vampire etiquette is a new thing to me I guess you could say…"

She chuckled, shaking her head. "Don't worry, Lexi. You really don't have to be concerned with hurting my feelings or saying the wrong thing. I know you're new to this. I was born in Rochester, New York… in 1915."

I heard myself gasp. "1915? But that means you're…"

"Technically almost a hundred years old. Yes, I've done the math," she laughed quietly. Her eyes flicked up to mine. "I was… turned… when I was your age. Before I'd really gotten a chance to live. I've been like this ever since."

"Wow," I muttered. "Well… I'm sorry I asked. I take it you weren't turned under the best circumstances either?"

She shook her head sadly. "Most of us weren't. My sister in law, Bella… she met Edward as a human and wanted to be turned. Hers was by choice. But the rest of us, well… we each have our stories. The story of how a vampire was turned is a personal one, and one they share when they're ready," she replied, standing up. She gracefully walked over to me, taking my hand in hers. "You reminded me of myself when I found you in the woods after Jacob called us. That's why I wanted to help you. I can't imagine waking up alone in all of this, and surely you were already frightened."

I thought back a few days, although it wasn't without difficulty. I could remember dangling from the treetop, the blinding pain of the bite, and the feeling of careening towards the ground. I flinched.

"Thank you for coming to help me," I said, my voice tight. I felt like I wanted to cry, but I knew that was physically impossible. "I'm sorry to have… barged in on your family. I guess I can never go back to mine."

Rosalie pulled me into a hug. "We can be your family. I… I always wanted a family of my own. When I was a human. I can't have children of my own, but… that was the one thing I've always wanted to be. A mom," she trailed off sadly. She released me from the embrace, offering me a sad smile. "I'll do anything I can for you, Lexi."

I swallowed back the raw emotion I felt, making my throat flame hot with thirst. I would need to get used to that.

"Just… help me. Help me through this. I feel so… lost. And out of place. Help me so that I don't hurt anyone and I don't turn into something I'm not."

She nodded. "Of course."

I turned back to the mirror, staring at the girl who barely looked like me. "Help me figure this vampire thing out and get control… and then help me not kill Brady when I see him."

She watched me in the reflection, nodding solemnly. "Deal."

Well, Twilight turned 10 last week! Speaking of bittersweet, I have recently been inspired to go back to LTP and clean it up a bit. Believe it or not, there were conversations/scenes/things I didn't include last time, and I'm thinking of going back chapter by chapter and revamping it a bit. That story took me 3 years to write and I'm looking forward to doctoring it up a bit in places. It was so fun to write and I am so happy to can still write in the 'Love vs. Misery' universe, aka the Seth/Regan, Lexi/Brady universe.

Let me know what you think! Enjoy!