There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was

And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before

For all the joy that is to come
For all the things that you're alive to feel
Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal

Paramore - Hate to See Your Heart Break

Chapter 39 – The Other Side

Brady'

"Are you alright? You aren't blinking… shouldn't you blink or… breathe… or something?"

I slowly turned my head towards the sound of Jasper's voice. He sounded so unsure. He was usually one of the cockier ones. For being one of the 'scarier' Cullens, he was looking at me like I was the one freaking him out.

"What?"

He sighed, shaking his head. "You looked like you were going to… do something there for a minute. You didn't look… stable," he said flatly.

"Yeah, cuz I feel stable right now, dude," I muttered in annoyance. I'd agreed to meet him in the woods after Alice had sent me away from the house. It wasn't safe with Lexi there, apparently. They couldn't be sure that even my wolf stench was enough to turn her away from the scent of blood, so she'd had Jasper and Seth usher me out moments after Lexi's heart stopped beating. Not that there was anything left for me there – my imprint was gone. In her place was a newborn baby leech. A cold, dead, unfeeling creature that probably cared more about draining half of Forks than she did her boyfriend. Or was I her ex-boyfriend? Did her becoming a different species cancel that out? Everything there was to be uncertain about, I was. My entire life was in lingo until I could figure out what Lexi being a vampire meant.

I gave Jasper a sideways glance. He stared at me from several feet away, as if I was a ticking time bomb. Maybe I was. I wondered how much Jasper was like his human self. Was he slightly aloof and creepy then, too? How much of her former self would my imprint be?

I bowed my head and sniffed. I didn't have any more grief left in me to give, I realized. I'd cried more in the past three days than I ever had in my life and I felt utterly spent.

But here I was anyway. Hiding out in the woods, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I had to know she was okay. Jasper must have drawn the short straw, as he was the member of the Cullen clan that stood and followed me out the door. Or maybe they were afraid all his scars and bite marks that littered his skin would frighten Lexi. Sure as hell frightens me, I realized, shifting from foot to foot. Jasper was just like the rest of the Cullens in that he'd mastered how to act like a human when people were watching, but as soon as he was in the privacy of supernaturals only, all that seemed to go out the door. I shuddered and hoped he didn't notice as we stood in the forest. Vampires didn't breathe, blink, itch, sneeze… nothing normal that made you feel at ease. Esme told me once it was a learned habit to fidget like humans do, and it had taken most of them years of practice to perfect. I guess the fact that I was a wolf and I was in on his little vampy secret made me not as much of a threat, so….he'd refrained from the human act and had been standing stiller than a marble statue for almost an hour now.

I glanced over at him. He was still staring at me, unblinking. "What?" I snapped quietly.

The only movement was a raised eyebrow. It wasn't a challenge, I realized. He was observing me. Maybe he was waiting for me to finally go crazy. I didn't give a shit if he did think that of me. Instead, I just stood there next to him, on the ledge overlooking the creek. We were on the edge of the old boundary line between Cullen land and the Quileute territory – now that there was a newborn vampire in town, the pack had decided to respect the lines again to make things easier for Lexi, or at least according to Seth. Stupid kid was determined to cheer me up if it killed him. Shit… maybe I'd let him. I didn't know what I was walking into with this – none of us did. It felt like the old days all over again with a newborn vampire around – the hair on my neck stood straight up and I didn't feel safe in human form. But….the newborn vampire was my girlfriend, I reminded myself. I couldn't hurt Lexi.

But what if she hurts someone else? A tiny voice in my head hissed. I pushed it away and tried to take this whole thing minute by minute. No one had been drained dry just yet. I needed to settle down.

"You're feeling apprehensive. And curious. And… anguished," he finally stated. He frowned as if he was figuring out a complex math problem. I gave him a weirded out look. Was that his version of a conversation? I shook my head. Fuckin vamps…

"Whatever, just… not sure what else to do. I want to help her… but not if we want to kill each other."

Jasper shoved his hands into his pockets awkwardly – I'm guessing to help me feel a little more relaxed – and shrugged. "You might not."

I shot him a skeptical look.

"I don't remember meeting a newborn vampire I exactly wanted to hug. I tolerated Bella for obvious reasons," I grumbled. "Imprinting is hard enough. My soulmate is a blood suc-" I stopped short, eyeing him.

"Keep in mind not many of us choose this life. Just simply tryin' to make the best of what we were dealt. Some have it easier than others," he snapped.

"I had a front row seat to that, remember?" I snapped back.

Jasper opened his mouth, then thought better and closed it. He winced slightly, his odd golden eyes revealing how out of place he felt to be here of all places, giving me a pep talk. "They're taking her hunting. Some of the others are scouting the area to make sure no human scents are near. Or worse… humans," he deadpanned.

"Right," I sighed. "Will she be able to tell I'm in the area?"

"Not likely. We're downwind from the path Alice told me they'd take, and she'll be overcome with everything for a while. Sights, smells, sounds… it's overwhelming," he said. A light breeze blew through the icy trees, rustling the frozen leaves on the ground at our feet. "Until she feeds, it's unlikely she'll be able to focus on anything but that. The smell of wet dog will probably be the furthest thing from her radar once she gets out here. Like I said…you boys have a particular odor that doesn't exactly make vampires want to come closer and uh…investigate. Naw, she won't even consider coming closer to you smellin' like you do. When you're new…and young…there's so much to focus on at first," he said. "She'll want to feed from something that doesn't smell like a wet golden retriever." I thought I detected a trace of wistfulness in his soft Southern drawl before he insulted me, but I couldn't be sure.

"I guess that's… good. If she found me I don't think I could…" I trailed off before saying the words – 'fight her'. If I would even want to. Uncertainty seemed to hang in the air as he waited with me. The rest of the pack was busy patrolling the outer perimeter of the woods outside of Forks, providing a bit of a safe haven for Lexi. No humans in, no rogue vampire out. Lexi would be safe for now. At least I could do that much.

I'd failed her in almost every other possible way.

Time passed. I stared off into space for a few more minutes… or maybe it was hours. Either way Jasper didn't blink or move or bat an eyelash until another breeze wound through the trees. It came with the sound of faint footfalls.

"Is that…?"

Jasper gave a curt nod, urging me down to a crouch along the ridge. I peered over the edge of the steep ravine with him. A herd of elk had stopped passing through to drink from a patch of broken ice. They crowded around it, their beating hearts and muffled bleats standing out against the rustle of the bare branches above. I watched them silently, realizing the sound of the footsteps had halted. They were on the other side of the riverbank, about a half a mile upstream.

"Should I shift?" I questioned Jasper.

He shook his head once. "No. Stay human. Believe it or not, you're harder to smell in human form. Just hope she doesn't hear your heart hammerin' in your chest," he drawled softly.

I swallowed my nervousness and stared at the elk. Time stood still – nothing happened.

I started to think they'd gone elsewhere to hunt. Then, suddenly, I saw her.

Two blonde heads streaked through the grey brush, one head golden and the other a pale, silvery blonde. She moved so fast it was hard to focus my eyes on her long enough to get a good look. She was running – no, darting through the trees, faster than a bullet with Rosalie at her side. I clutched at the frozen ground with my heart slamming in my chest and my breath caught. Lexi burst into the clearing and slid to a halt, her newborn eyes red, wide and unblinking.

I let out a ragged breath at the sight of her. Even from a distance, her eyes glowed bright like only a newborn vampires could. Her hair was a pale, silvery blonde that almost blended in with her new chalky skin. She'd burst through the trees like a raging terror and slid to a statue-esqe halt at the side of the stream.

She was so terrifyingly beautiful it made me shudder. I'd never been so wracked with fear and revulsion in my life. There she was – my imprint, my Lexi – a newborn vampire. Gone was her tan, supple skin and ocean-like eyes. Now she looked like something out of a horror movie, designed to both petrify and entrance me. She was striking in a horribly mesmerizing way.

The elk jumped to action, slipping and sliding on the icy rocks of the creek. I heard their terrified cries as they realized they were surrounded.

I jumped as a piercing wail came from her lips. "I can't," she whimpered miserably, her mouth drawing in a ragged breath. She swallowed a few times, clearly fighting her instincts to tackle them and rip their necks open.

Rosalie backtracked, her golden eyes wide. "Lexi, come on!" I heard her plead from a distance. "Don't think, just jump!"

The jig was up as far as the elk were concerned. The few Lexi had managed to corner on one side of the creek were wide eyed with terror as the rest of their herd took off up the creek. They reared up, scattering with a terrified rumble of snorts and thundering hooves.

Lexi faltered, her red eyes wide. I watched her head jerk eerily from side to side as she tried to track them all at once, her neck making movements that were so unnatural looking it gave me chills.

She took Rosalie's advice, quickly tackling one of the animals before her mind could process anything else. It was a strange sight to watch my petite imprint go crashing to the ground with a gigantic elk. I watched her effortlessly pin it down by its neck as her red, wild eyes searched for its pulse.

"Get more!" Rosalie bellowed, pointing towards the rest of the herd as it loudly clacked and hurried up the rocky shore. "Get at least two more!"

Everything happened so quickly after that. I watched from afar as Edward bellowed at his brother to catch another one of the escaping elk. He zipped to the left into the tree line, quickly tackling one and cracking its neck. Emmett followed suit, speedily ending the life of another. Alice zipped into motion as well, easily securing one and then another as Rosalie flew to Lexi's side. I could hear the blonde vampire as she tried to soothe Lexi. Emmett walked over with his kill and handed it to his wife. Alice snapped the neck of her own elk before darting to snap the neck of the creature in Lexi's grip.

"It's over, it's okay… it's not suffering."

Emmett gave his wife a skeptical look as the others shared one behind Lexi's back. "Is she gonna be okay?"

I watched as they tried to calm Lexi, who was still clearly traumatized. My heart ached in my chest as I listened to her beg and plead for any option but the one where she had to drink the blood of a dead animal.

"You need to drink. You'll feel better, and we can go back to the house and talk," Edward explained. "I know it sounds weird, but just… drink and you'll feel better. Not completely satisfied, but… better."

Rosalie rubbed her back in a soothing manner as Emmett bent over and picked up the dead animal at her feet.

"Hold it up like this," he instructed gently. "It drains easier."

Lexi gingerly accepted the carcass, her mouth open and her red eyes dark with thirst. Seeing my imprint – Lexi, hold a massive elk in her hands… was unlike anything I'd ever seen. It was like it weighed nothing.

Her red eyes widened. "I'm… strong," she mused.

The Cullens agreed with her, trying to encourage her. "You need to drink," Rosalie reminded her. "Just bite here… right on the artery. On the neck."

I held my breath again as I watched Lexi squeeze her eyes shut and open her mouth. Even from the distance and height I was at, I could still see the razor sharp teeth that now lined her mouth. She bit into the animal's artery and the blood spurted out. It sprayed out against the cotton shirt she wore, spattering in every direction. I watched her shoulders heave as she drank and sucked until she had to hold it up almost over her head to gain every last drop. She dropped it with a gasp when she opened her eyes and realized what she was doing. It fell to the icy riverbed with a crunch that turned my stomach.

I had to look away. Lexi was covered in the animal blood. It dripped down her chin, down her neck, and onto her clothes. She reminded me of something out of a bad horror movie. Pressing my forehead against the ground where I was crouched, I was once again reminded that this was no scary movie. This was now my life. And I had no clue how to handle it.

They handed her another, and then another after that. She drank more blood than I thought was even possible from the elk. Where was she putting it? I asked myself. The carcasses fell to the ground each time as Lexi drained them, inhaling a ragged breath after each meal.

"That was good," I watched her sigh, wiping her hands together with a look of relief on her stony features. She stopped – frozen. Even from this distance I could see her newborn eyes go wide as she held out her blood soaked hands in front of her. I guess being tidy about hunting only came with practice. She gasped, her fingertips finding her chin and neck and chest covered in elk blood. Panic overtook her each time she realized she was covered more and more with elk's blood. She certainly did look like something from a horror movie. I felt my stomach turn, and I had to look away as she let out a piercing wail.

It was too much. I fought the urge to shift – my skin began to shake and blur at the sound of her desperate cries. Seeing her like that and witnessing her anguish with her new state only made me a little more unhinged than I was before. Everything about what I'd just seen was unnatural and grotesque, even if it was just Lexi. I'd seen newborn vampires before – hell, I'd killed them, ripped them to pieces and then burned them. But this was the most unnatural looking thing I'd ever seen. Someone I'd known, someone I'd loved before had been turned into a blood sucking monster, and I'd seen her make her first kill. I'd watched her feed and it was vomit-inducing. I didn't know how much more I could handle.

Lying there, peering over the edge of the ravine, I watched as Lexi wailed and cried, trying to wash the blood from her hands in the icy creek. Rosalie tried to comfort her, but she was past the point of being consolable. I held my face against the cool leaves as I laid against the ground to keep my cover. I couldn't watch this anymore; I couldn't handle it. A shudder ripped through my body as I again fought the urge to shift. Maybe it was a reaction to the stress, maybe it was from fear, sadness… I don't know what it was. But I knew I had to shift and get the hell out of there.

"You should go," Jasper's voice startled me, making me jump. His golden eyes were unblinking as he watched me struggle. "Go now while she's distracted. She doesn't need to see you yet."

"If ever."

I silently stood and nodded to Jasper, thanking him for helping me. While the sight of my former imprint as a vampire was a shocking one, it was something I'd needed to see. Lexi was alive – well, half alive. Vampires were what I considered to be the walking dead. But she was there, she was breathing (even if she didn't technically need to anymore), and I'd failed her. The facts in front of me were almost too much to handle.

I'd needed to see that though.

Walking stealthily out of earshot of Jasper and the others, my pace quickly increased to a run. I was too numb to feel any of the cold as I ran through the frost covered landscape and back towards La Push. Lexi was gone. My imprint was dead, and in her shell of a body was a newborn vampire.

I'd needed to see that she was there, even if I had failed in my duty as her imprint to protect her at any cost. I could still see the blood red eyes of her murderer as he'd held her in the treetops. I could still hear the echoes of his sinister laugh in my mind every time I closed my eyes and had any silence. Lexi might be a vampire and lost to me, but I knew what my future held. It held a hunt for the monster that had made a beautiful human girl a pawn in his game.

I was going to find him.

I was going find him and rip him limb from limb and keep ripping until his stony body was in a million pieces in front of me. I was going to light them on fire and revel in the sickeningly sweet scent that could only be that of a dead vampire. I would stay and watch it until the last ember disappeared into the sky, and he was nothing more than dirt and ash. He would die alone and screaming and knowing that I'd gotten my vengeance. He'd know that I'd taken his life in exchange for hers. Even if my Lexi was gone, I would do this for her memory – for the forgotten future of the life we would have had together.

I let out a growl as my skin burst away and was replaced with black fur and churning paws. My mission was set.

Pain ricocheted through my limbs as I ran in wolf form, my paws kicking up bits of frozen mud. Even with my mission set and a plan made in my head, the agony of the situation was too much to bear. I couldn't stop the anguished howl that ripped from my throat as I tore through the forest into the fading twilight.

Thank you to NinkyBaby for her everlasting patience and help with this fic!

I know it's been awhile...I had both of my grandmothers pass away (one right before and then one on Thanksgiving) and I took it very hard. I slipped into a mini-depression and had zero creativity and had a rough go of things over the holidays. I hope you will all understand and accept my apologies on the tardiness of this. I just couldn't find the creative energy to write. But, I am pulling myself back up and out of this funk and I hope to get back to writing more soon.

Thank you all who are still reading - I would love to hear from you!