Arizona POV

I help Amelia into the apartment. I can see she is struggling, her muscles are shaking but she refuses to admit that she needs help. She struggles to stay upright, needing to hold onto different objects with each step. I tell her to go to the kitchen. As much as I know she wants our bed, she needs to eat something and take one of her new pills. I ask her what she would like, but I only receive a shrug in response. I make the decision to give her a peanut butter sandwich. It's not healthy, but that isn't a major concern right now. What matters is that it's quick to make and will allow her to get her rest sooner.

I take the new medication from my bag and read over the instructions. One tablet, twice a day. I get her a glass of water and pass her the single pill. She looks at it, but doesn't move. I can see the cogs turning as her sleep deprived brain tries to make sense of the world. "Amelia, you okay?"

"The last time I took a pill, I woke up to a dead Ryan."

"I know."

"You don't though. You don't know what it was like."

"I know this brings up memories, and you're right, I don't know exactly how bad things were, but I promise you, this is not the same. We are both going to be here in the morning." I place my hand on her arm, watching her face to make sure she isn't panicking or upset.

"I'm scared that when I feel it in my mouth, I'm going to want more. It's not the drug, the conditioned response. It's my brain remembering the high. It's been shown in studies that recovering addicts show the brain activation of someone on drugs when given a placebo. I worked really hard to be sober, I don't want to give that up. Except, I really do and I'm too tired and everything hurts and I-"

"It's okay." I tell my girlfriend, picking the pill up from the table. I see her instinctively go to grab it, but she restrains herself. I go into the refrigerator and find one of the Jell-O pots Sofia loves to have in her packed lunches. I press the tablet into the sugary delicacy and hold the spoon out to Amelia. "If you swallow in one go you shouldn't feel it." I instruct with a small smile. I keep my attention on Amelia, despite doing other things around the kitchen. She stares at it intently, almost as though she is waiting for it to vanish. After several minutes I see her gulp and reach for the water, her nose wrinkles in repugnance. "Are you okay?"

"If that's how I need to take meds we need to get some better flavours."

"I'm proud of you Amelia, for giving this a try."

"Can we go to bed now?"

"Of course."

"I've set an alarm so you'll be up in time for your meeting." I tell her simply without looking up.

"Could you pick me up from that please, I know Richard would just want to talk. I know he's only looking out for me but it's not what I need right now."

"Sure.

Amelia opts to sleep in pyjamas. I take the hint and do the same before climbing under the covers. It's not even 9pm, we usually wouldn't be all too tired by now but it has been an utterly exhausting day for the both of us. I pick up the book I have been reading from my bedside table and begin to read a few chapters. I don't feel like reading tonight, but I do it anyway as a means to stay awake incase Amelia wants or needs anything. I know from experience that pressuring her to talk does nothing, but when the room is quiet, she will often come to me.

After a few moments, as expected, Amelia shuffles toward me. I lift my arm to allow her into my embrace. She places an arm across my body as her head rests on my chest. I feel her hand quiver, whether in tiredness or fear I'm unsure. I place my bookmark between the pages and put it back where I had found it.

"Can I sleep like this?" She asks cautiously and I place a light kiss on the top of her head.

"If that's how you're comfortable, but are you sure it won't cause nightmares?"

"It will, but…" she trails off.

"But what?"

"I want to have nightmares. At least then I know I'll wake up."

"Amelia, you're going to wake up, I promise. And when you do, I want you to wake me. You're not alone, Amelia. I'm on your side"

"I know"

I feel her grip on my body get tighter. She nuzzles her head into my chest, pressing harder against me. "Amelia, what are you doing?."

"I'm sorry." She responds, stopping her movements and laying still.

"Were you not comfy? Do you need me to move, to reposition?" I get no response but a shake of the head. "Amelia, I can't help if you don't talk to me." I state a little more firmly, immediately regretting my harsh tone when I feel her muscles tense against me.

"I uh, I was listening to your heart." She reveals after a long pause. "All this is reminding me of Ryan and I've never forgiven myself for what happened to him so I needed to hear that your heart was beating."

I bring her body back up to where she was resting, removing my hair that was resting on the left side of my chest and placing one of my hands gently on the back of her head as the other wraps around her body. She trembles a little but behind to relax into the embrace.

"Wake me when you need me, you're not alone."

I wait awake to ensure Amelia does go to sleep. After what she had revealed at the hospital, regarding being unable to sleep due to panic attacks, I want to see her transition to rest before I have any chance of sleeping myself. While she is still conscious, I make sure to keep my grip secure. I know she feels safest this way. As soon as she begins to drift to sleep, I loosen the embrace. I am well versed in Amelia's night terrors and I know my strong grip, while comforting when awake, is likely to cause more bad dreams when she is unconscious. I keep my arms loosely draped across her body so she knows I am here, but is free to move if necessary. When I am confident her breathing has become steady and the barely noticeable tremors have stopped, when I am confident she is asleep, I begin to rest my eyes. I hope she does what she agreed to, I hope she wakes me.

"No. Please no. Please don't hurt me."

"Amelia, wake up. You're okay, it's Arizona, you're safe. Wake up for me." I tell her quietly, not wanting to frighten her more. I shift myself slightly to look at her. She is no longer talking but tears are running down her face. "Amelia, sweetie, wake up for me please. I promise you're safe. Open your eyes, you're okay." I continue, placing my hand lightly on her arm to rub her awake. She flinched at the action and her eyes snap open. "You're okay, you're safe." I tell her as I remove my hand from her arm. Her eyes flick toward me, looking in my direction. "It's just me. Nothing to be afraid of." her hands move toward her eyes, wiping her tear soaked cheeks before rolling over on her side of the bed, to look away from me. She pulls the blankets as high as possible without revealing her feet but stays silent.

"Amelia, can you look at me please?" I ask, in the softest tone I can find. Although her movement was barely enough to notice, I see a shake of the head indicating she can't, she won't. "Can you tell me what you need?" I follow up, but again, I receive no response. "Can I hold you?" I ask, desperately wanting to be able to do something. After a few moments she nods her head, giving me permission so I slowly scoot toward her. I place one hand lightly on her arm, giving her a moment to get used to the contact before shuffling closer to wrap my arms around her.

"I'm sorry." she whispers almost silently.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Using my hand, I brush back some of her hair that was covering her face. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. I erm, the cravings are bad. My skin is crawling."

"I know, but that isn't linked to the new medication, it's just your mind playing tricks on you." I explain and she nods. "Just keep focusing on me, listen to my voice. I'm going to keep you safe, I promise."

I wait as her jittery breathing begins to even out. I don't believe there is anything I can do, and I know if I keep asking her she will begin to get frustrated. I know deep down that after what happens she is scared to be alone, I just have to trust she will come to me when there is something I can do. She gradually begins to relax into my body, rolling over slightly so that she can see me, but ultimately avoiding eye contact. I keep my grip on her loose to avoid bringing up bad memories, but every few minutes I offer a small squeeze to remind her I'm here, to remind her she is safe.

"Can we go to the couch?" Amelia asks quietly.

"If that's what will make you feel better." I respond simply and she nods. "Can you carry the blankets so I can use my crutches?" I continue seeing her nod again. She stands up carefully, I see her legs are still shaky from her lack of sleep but in this situation I choose to ignore it, I doubt any good would come of bringing it up.

Once we are on the couch I link my fingers with hers, my thumb absentmindedly stroking the back of her hand. "Is there anything else I can do?"

"Just go back to sleep, I'll be okay. I know you're here if I need you."

"Amelia, I don't mind staying awake with you, really, it's okay."

"I know. But I still feel guilty for keeping you up. I just wanted to have a change of location, I'm going to try to sleep here too."

"Okay, how are you most comfortable?"

"I want to stay sitting up. But you can lay on my side, I know you don't sleep well sitting up." She says simply, pulling my body towards her side to lay down. "I promise I'm okay." She adds as she runs her fingers through my hair. It's strange that I'm resting against her side, it's not a position she is usually comfortable with but I know today is not the best day to ask questions so I am going with it. As much as it concerns me, it is nice to be held. Usually I am the one holding Amelia so it's a welcome change. I just hope she really is okay.

When I wake, Amelia is no longer on the couch beside me. I sit up and feel my body aching from the uncomfortable position I had been sleeping in.

"Amelia? You here?" I ask, hobbling through the apartment with my crutches.

"Bedroom." I hear her respond fairly quickly so I follow the sound of her voice to find her sitting on the bed, coffee in one hand and a hairbrush in the other. "Sorry, I was going to wake you before I leave."

"Leave?"

"Richard is picking me up in 20 minutes for a meeting."

"Oh, right. I totally forgot. You need me to do anything?"

"No. You're already doing everything I need." Amelia explains, placing her coffee on the bedside table. "Thank you for not asking questions last night."

"I presumed you would talk about it if you wanted to, forcing you to talk wasn't going to help." I say with a smile, taking the hairbrush from Amelia's hand and beginning to comb through her hair. "Did you get any more sleep?"

"Only a little, but I'm okay. I'll try to nap between my meeting and my appointment with Anne."

"Have you eaten this morning?"

"No, I'm not hungry."

"Okay. Well, we can pick something up after I come get you from your meeting. You do still have to take your pill before you go though." She takes a deep breath before nodding in agreement. She is still getting used to the reality of her taking medication and I'm trying not to bring it up when not possible. She has goosebumps on her arms and she shivers softly but shakes it off.

"Could I borrow a sweater? Yours are warmer."

"Whatever you need. Help yourself."

"Thanks, Arizona."

I take her hand, and walk through to the kitchen, passing her a glass of water and her pill. She rolls it between her fingers for a moment before placing it on the table.

"I was going to have yogurt for breakfast, do you want a mouthful to take it with?"

"Yeah, thanks."

I get the desired item from the fridge while Amelia retrieves two spoons from the drawer. I remove the seal and take a spoon, scooping a mouthful of the yogurt and placing the pill inside it for her. "Eat up, Webber will be here in a minute."

Amelia POV

"Amelia, can I talk to you before you go?" Richard asks me on the way out of the AA meeting. Despite my initial urge to run, I stand still and nod, giving him permission to talk. "How are you doing after yesterday?"

"About as well as can be expected." I respond evasively, not feeling comfortable to talk about it right now.

"I wanted, I needed to make sure you were aware that Arizona told me about your struggles with self harm."

"I erm, I don't-"

"Amelia, I know. I just wanted to make you aware I knew." He says softly, placing a hand on my arm but I step away, shrugging him off.

"Arizona told me already."

"It's not healthy Amelia. There are other ways to-"

"No. You don't get to talk to me about this. I know you're just trying to help and I appreciate you bringing me to a meeting but this is my life. I know I'm not perfect, but I am trying and I don't need your judgement."

"I'm not judging you."

"Maybe not consciously, but you are. Thank you for looking out for me, but I want to go now. Arizona is waiting."

I walk toward my girlfriends car, climbing in and closing the door behind me.

"Woah, what is happening?" Arizona asks as I begin to hyperventilate. Everything feels tight, I feel trapped. "Amelia, you're okay. Talk to me." I shake my head but reach for her hand, gripping onto her like my life depends on it. "Breathe Amelia, breathe." Arizona continues as I nod, gradually calming myself down. "Now tell me what happened."

"He shouldn't be allowed to bring it up. What you told him was in confidence. It's my personal life and now he judges me. I want to go back to before he knew. The pity in his eyes was too much Az. Too much."

"He confronted you?" I nod, telling my girlfriend her understanding is correct. "I'm sorry. I asked for him to be your doctor, I thought that because you trusted him at AA he was the right person. I'm sorry."

"I know. But with AA, it's different. I didn't realise he would be there the first time we were at the same meeting. I didn't choose to trust him, I was just expected to because that's how meetings work. I know he meant well, I just, we aren't that kind of friends."

"Can I talk to him for you? Let him know you're okay but he can't bring it up again?"

"Can we talk about this later?"

"Sure. You still feeling up to going to get breakfast?"

"Okay."

When we arrive at the diner, Arizona has pulled into a parking space and has taken my hand in hers. "I love you. Everything is going to be okay." Arizona whispers as her arms wrap around my body. I reciprocate the affection, holding tightly to my girlfriend and nodding into the embrace to show my understanding.

I decide to order juice rather than my usual coffee, knowing I have agreed to try and nap again when I get home. Arizona seems to have the same idea. I keep my fake smile plastered to my face, ensuring nobody can see the pain that I am hiding. Arizona's hand stays in my own under the table, she is wordlessly letting me know that I am not alone, that she is here with me. Thankfully the diner is quiet. We seem to have caught the gap between the breakfast and lunch rush. We are at a table toward the back with no one else nearby. "You need to eat something." I tell Arizona as she watches me. She is clearly more focused on me than her own wellbeing. She takes a few bites before looking back to me.

"So, about yesterday…"

"You don't have to tiptoe around it, you can't be scared I'll fall apart every time I'm slightly uncomfortable."

"Sorry. I wanted to ask how you're doing, if there is anything you need me to do. I'm worried about you."

"I'm okay, everything considered. I know I should be a mess right now, and I guess in some ways I am but as a whole I'm fine. Just embarrassed."

"Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"You're already doing everything. I'm okay, you're helping me put myself back together." I explain, squeezing her hand and offering a small smile. "Can we take the rest of this food home? Curl up and watch a Disney movie?"

"That sounds perfect. Although Sofia is going to be jealous she is missing it."

"Have you spoken to her?"

"I went to Mers this morning before picking you up. We took the girls to school. She's okay, I promise."

We pay for our food and head back towards the car. Arizona fills me in on what she had told Sofia. She said there was a patient at the hospital that required a little extra help which was why she had to go to Meredith's. She tried to phrase her words in a way that they were not lies, she just avoided details where she could. She also told me she trusts me to tell Sofia what is right if I want to. I don't think I do, but I'm grateful that she has given me the option to do so. Arizona keeps the conversation going but I keep my responses simple. I'm using the time to organise my own thoughts, but I like being able to hear her voice. She keeps me calm.

Once inside the apartment, we both head to the couch to sit down. I am hoping she will accept that I am choosing to sit here and not go to bed. I intend to try to nap, knowing I have several hours before my appointment, I just don't want to sleep in bed, it makes the nightmares worse because I enter a deeper sleep.

"Earlier, at the diner you asked what you could do to help? But I uh, I know that past 24 hours haven't exactly been easy for you either so is there anything I can do?

"As long as you're fine-" She begins but I shake my head, I know where she is going with this statement and as much as I know she is being kind, knowing she isn't telling the truth hurts a little.

"Arizona, I can see you're struggling too. You're allowed to have needs, I can't always come first."

"I guess if you're offering, I wouldn't mind being held again like last night. I didn't realise how much I needed that."

"Do you want me to go get the blanket?" I offer, already on my feet before she responds.

"That sounds really nice. Are you sure this is okay?" she asks carefully as I arrive back at the couch, draping the blanket over us both and pulling her into my side.

"I like this position too. Makes me feel a little less vulnerable."

Arizona chooses to put the lion King on. She knows it is my favourite, she looks to me with an all knowing smile after selecting it.

"Do you think we will be okay to collect Sofia from school after your appointment? I could ask Meredith to get her if you need, but I should let her know sooner rather than later."

"You're okay with her coming home?"

"Of course, I thought you would want to see her. Was I wrong?" Arizona asks, twisting her body to examine my facial expressions.

"No. I do want to see her, you're right. I'll be okay, we can collect her on the way home."

Arizona stays tucked into my side. Neither of us say a word, we simply watch the movie while I hope I will be tired enough to sleep a little. My eyes keep flicking to her body. She seems so much smaller like this. She is holding on to me tightly and I realise how much she needs me to be the strong one sometimes. I make a mental note to ask if I can hold her more often. She never seems to ask because she is so preoccupied making sure I am okay. I've never realised how much she needs me too. I need to focus on getting better so I can give her the support that she needs.

Arizona POV

Amelia's therapy session went better than expected. She talked honestly and openly about her fears, and about the lack of sleep and what we can do to support her. All in all it comes down to her not wanting to be asked questions. She wants to talk about things at her own pace, something that seems reasonable to me as at least she would still be talking. She also gave me permission to talk to Richard. She doesn't want him to be in trouble, she knows what he did, bringing up her personal medical history in a public place was wrong, but she believes his heart was in the right place. She has given me permission to talk to him, provided I explain that bringing the subject up only makes her feel worse and makes the cravings more apparent. Additionally, she has told me to inform him she hasn't cut in over 6 weeks which is the longest she has gone since being in Seattle, something she is very proud of.

We are on the way to the school to pick up our daughter. I am giving Amelia her time to stay quiet like usual after her appointment. She knows I am here and she will initiate conversation if or when she is ready. She is aware that she will not be able to stay silent once Sofia is here, but until then it remains her choice.

"What do I tell her?" Amelia asks as I pull the car over at the school.

"What?"

"Sofia. What do I tell her?" She clarifies and I see her hand shaking a little with nerves. I place my hand over hers, gently stroking the back of it as a hope to comfort her.

"That is up to you. You don't have to tell her anything if you don't want to, but if you think she needs to know, that's okay too."

"I'm not exactly myself right now, she is going to know something is wrong. Even if I try to hide it, she's going to know."

"So you want to tell her?" I clarify, wanting to make sure I was following correctly.

"Want to? No. But I think she deserves to know something is happening. I just, I don't know how much."

"Okay. Well, do you want her to know you were in the hospital? Or do you just want her to know you're having a hard time?"

She contemplates her options before making a decision. "Probably just having a hard time. I don't want to worry her too much. I don't want her to know how bad things are, she deserves her childhood without worrying."

"You're a good Mom, Amelia." I add and she flinches slightly at the statement before lifting her head and looking into my eyes.

"I know I feel like her Mom, but I'm still not used to being referred to as a Mom."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No. That's not what I meant. I like it, but it's still strange. Come on, let's go pick up our daughter."

As we enter the school grounds, the children are beginning to exit the buildings.

"AMY, YOU'RE HERE!" Sofia yells, running toward us and wrapping her arms around my body. "Did you finish everything at the hospital? Meredith said someone was poorly and you both had to stay."

"Yep, we are going to spend the rest of the day with you. Maybe watch a movie, or play a game." I answer for Amelia who is gripping tightly onto my hand.

"Yeah! Can we play the game with the cards, Melia? The one where you need three cards and then four cards?" I look to my girlfriend, trying to figure out which game Sofia is referring to.

"Gin rummy. And sure, as long as you promise to go easy because you are way too good at that game." Amelia says with a small laugh, smiling at our daughter.

"No, I wanna win. That's the best bit!"

"Of course. Come on, let's go home."

Amelia seems to be getting more and more tense throughout the drive. I try not to rise to it, not wanting her to panic until I have a grasp on what is going through her mind, on how best to help her.

When we arrive home, Sofia runs straight to her room to put her school bag away. Amelia takes a deep, quivering breath so I stop what I am doing to wrap my arms around her. She initially tries to pull away but that lasts only a moment before she leans into the embrace.

"Can you talk to her for me?"

"We are going to talk to her, together. I'm not going anywhere." I whisper, rubbing my hand lightly over her back. "We have got this."

"Mom? Amy? Are you okay?" Sofia asks, walking into the kitchen to see Amelia still in my embrace.

"Can we speak to you, before we play cards?"

"Is something wrong? Is somebody sick?"

"Not exactly sweetie, we just need to have a grown up conversation with you."

"About what?"

"About me."

"Amelia is going through a hard time at the moment, Sof. So we need to do everything we can to help her feel better okay?"

"What's wrong with you?"

"All the thoughts in my head get a little bit too much sometimes. It makes me feel sad, and scared and…"

"And it makes the bad memories worse. It means that Amelia has to try super hard to stay strong all the time but that isn't easy to do."

"But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard to get better, Sof." Amelia explains with a stammer, she doesn't fight the tears from flowing.

Sofia gets up from the chair and moves toward Amelia and sits by her side. She gives my girlfriend her hand like she did months ago after she found Amelia after a nightmare. She accepts the gesture from our daughter and Sofia looks toward her. "Can I hug you?"

"Sure." Amelia offers and a small smile appears on her lips. She opens her shaky arms for Sofia to crawl into, wrapping them around the smaller body.

"You're a really good mom, Amy. Te quiero mucho."

"I love you lots too, so much."

"Would it make you feel better if I let you win at cards?"

"Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll be okay. It's the time we spend playing that will help me most."