This too shall pass
We're right where we're meant to be
There's things I don't ask
What I don't know can't hurt me

I'm not discarding you like broken glass
There are no winners when the die is cast
There's only tears when it's the final chance

Broken Glass - Sia

Chapter 40: Fading Time

Lexi

Time takes on a different meaning when you're a vampire. The days blur into one when you never sleep. The sun rises and sets and you feel like merely a passerby as you watch the passage of the days and you remain unchanging.

I have no heartbeat.

No pulse.

No reason to breathe. Or blink. Or sleep. Or cry.

I closed my eyes, resting my head against the glass wall lining the back of the Cullen house overlooking the large yard. The only sound was that of a ticking clock down in Carlisle's library. If only I could just sleep. I never realized before what sweet respite it was to simply lie in a bed and close my eyes and just get away from it all for a few hours. I still feel like an alien in a shell that was once my body.

There is no relief tied to anything anymore. Well, nothing but blood.

I stood as still as a statue without even realizing it. I tried my best to fidget like Alice had been instructing me, but it still felt odd and forced. Just as standing as still as a freaking statue would have been to a human, I suppose. I swallowed the fire in my throat, wincing as it scratched as the delicate tissue behind my tongue. It was a relentless burn that I chased to no end as the days passed. The thirst never went away. Hunting and drinking was all I could think about most of the time. It was sickening. I had truly become a monster.

I swallowed the fire in my throat, wincing as it scratched as the delicate tissue behind my tongue. It was a relentless burn that I chased to no end as the days passed. The thirst never went away. Hunting and drinking was all I could think about most of the time. It was sickening. I had truly become a monster, a monster I never thought I would become.

Blood was at the front of my mind, and a close second was my thirst – that never went away.

Ever.

I felt like a statue as I watched the winter sun rise and set, rise and set. My days were dedicated to learning about this new world and of course – hunting. I'd grown to at least respect that sweet relief hunting gave me, but I didn't enjoy it the way the others seemed to. I didn't want to be this monster I'd become. I didn't want any of it – I wanted my old life back. I didn't just want it – I mourned it more and missed it unlike anything I'd ever lost in my entire life. My pain, both emotional and physical was always at the forefront of my mind, its arduous presence unrelenting. All I wanted was one moment of true reprieve – to not be thirsty, to not be isolated, to not be sad, or lost. I'd never realized what a true respite sleep was for a person – it was a way for the mind to rest and escape the day and just be at peace.

I no longer had even that tiny luxury.

There was no lull to my thoughts, no peace, no re-setting of my body in sleep. I was constantly hyperaware of everything and everything and every thought in my wide, whirring mind. It was like I'd drunk eight pots of coffee and couldn't close my eyes as the jittery feeling of the caffeine roared through my veins. But this, what I felt, wasn't because I'd had too much coffee. It was because I was a vampire now, and I needed to accept it.

I stared through the glass, losing myself to the faint memories of my time as a human. How lucky I'd been and I didn't even realize it. The fight to hold onto the memories of my family, of my friends, and of Brady was a losing one. They were so blurry and faded in my mind's eye as I tried to conjure them day after day to hopefully hold onto them over the years.

The memory of my little brother blowing out the candles on his birthday cake.

The way a hug from my mom felt.

The smell of dinner cooking in the oven and the sound of Patrick calling to me when I got home from school.

The feeling of glee I'd had the first time I'd driven a car all by myself after getting my license.

The way it felt to smile at Brady and see him drop his walls and truly smile back.

I didn't know what this life would bring – but something told me I needed to hold onto the good memories I had.

I couldn't fathom how there was anything decent in front of me now.

I swallowed again. Ouch. Just like that, the memories of the human girl I'd been were wiped away and burrowed into the back of my mind as one thing came pushing and shoving itself unapologetically to the front. Thirst.

I heard the click-click-click of Rosalie's high heeled boots on the hardwood floors as she joined me in the living room. Resting a hand on my shoulder, she tilted her head and gave me an understanding glance.

One part of my sharpened mind focused on her arrival in the room; the other, on my raging thirst and burning throat. My unblinking eyes didn't see out into the yard below – instead, I could only envision a flowing river of red.

I licked my lips, half sickened, half famished with bloodlust.

Everything was measured in halves, these days. I was halfway myself; disgusted by the monster I'd become, horrified at every new revelation about vampire life, and half vampire Lexi; strong, unpredictable, and lusting for the hunt. I hated what I was and missed who I'd been.

"Time to hunt again?"

I could barely nod. I had to bite back a whimper of relief at just the sheer thought of feeding again.

I was settling into this new stage of my life the best I could I guess. Passing by a mirror unexpectedly still caused me to jump at the sight of my chalky, unnatural skin and glowing red eyes. That was one good thing about never sleeping – no nightmares. Although he was unfailingly kind, the idea that Edward could hear every thought in my mind still unsettled me. His gift to me in the past two weeks had been to keep his distance, even though his wife, Bella, assured me she was 'shielding' him. Maybe she was, but this was all new to me and I was grateful for the space he gave me. Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme dedicated much of their time hunting my attacker and making sure he wasn't anywhere near Forks. Rosalie and Emmett mostly stayed in the house with me, leaving only to escort me to hunt.

"Let me grab Emmett," she replied, giving my shoulder a squeeze. As kind as my new family was, I was the most grateful to the married pair of vampires that had seemed to adopt me. Rosalie and Emmett were a faint light in the darkness that was now my life. Rosalie would always ask me questions and talk about my human memories to help me hold onto them. She was a shoulder to cry tearlessly on and didn't bat an eyelid when I ruined more of her borrowed clothes with my sloppy hunting technique. In the two weeks since I'd woken up a vampire, she'd been at my side for every second of my terrifyingly alien-feeling new life.

Then there was Emmett. Even though I was a newborn vampire and they'd explained to me that I was the strongest, fastest, most dangerous of the bunch right now, I still felt helpless. My body didn't feel like my own, and I could barely fathom how I was supposed to defend myself or even pass for a vampire. He'd dutifully stepped up every time I needed to hunt and run along beside us for protection.

Because as wonderful and lovingly protective as the Cullens were, I hadn't forgotten that the monster responsible for my change was still at large. Reaching up, I let my fingers trace the place on my neck where I'd been bitten in the treetop that day. I didn't remember many details about that fateful day and I was mostly glad – that wasn't something I wanted to cherish exactly. But I did remember him ripping into my neck. It had healed during my transformation, but still seemed to ache sometimes. Maybe that was in my head- I couldn't be sure. I slipped into a pair of old running shoes that once belonged to Esme, pulling my hair back into a ponytail to keep it out of my face – and whatever animal I was going to mangle this morning. Emmett appeared at my side, elbowing me playfully.

"Ready to run, track star?" he challenged me.

I faked a smile. "Maybe. You up to getting beat again?"

He ruffled my ponytail and snorted. "You wish."

Rosalie grinned and motioned us to the back deck overlooking the yard. We stepped outside as Emmett continued playfully ribbing me – which I appreciated. For a big, burly, sometimes scary looking guy, he was very good at just being playful and silly and knowing just what to say to make me smile. His childish antics and immature sense of humor reminded me of my little brothers – it was completely innocent and good natured and he always stopped before taking it too far. A week ago, I wouldn't have put Rosalie, who was so reserved and poised with someone so goofy. But now, seeing how talented he was at saying the right thing and altering my mood so easily, I understood it.

The two of them gracefully hopped up onto the railing on the balcony before turning towards me with expectant gazes. I followed suit, still amazed that I could effortlessly do something like hopping up onto a four foot railing two stories up and balance on it like it was an easy feat. With a graceful leap (and a whoop from Emmett), the three of us soared to the ground and took off running. Okay, running was exciting. It was amazing for a person who was never particularly coordinated or even motivated to try to succeed at physical things, to be able to run and leap the way I now could. And running was finally fun.

I took off like a bolt of lightning, my boots seemed barely touching the ground. I was still getting the hang of eating in the pristine manner of my present company, so I usually insisted on wearing hand me down clothes from Rosalie and Bella that I wouldn't feel guilty about ruining. Rosalie's clothes were often a little fancier than I would have normally worn. Bella's closet proved a better experience as she preferred plainer clothes that didn't have the monstrous price tags compared to what I usually found while digging through the closets in the main Cullen house. They'd made it clear that money was no option – between Carlisle work as a doctor, Esme's as an architect, and Alice's penchant for playing the stock market, the Cullens had made it clear that they were financially set for eons and they were my family now and what was their was mine. They had no issues with sharing their wealth and fancy clothes with me in the slightest. It was a little strange, to be honest the way they were always wearing designer clothes to go running around the woods, slaughtering animals. I laughed to myself as I ran. I guess not everything came easily to me as a vampire. Hunting in heels or anything flamboyant still sounded ridiculous to me.

Each time I tried a new physical feat and succeeded I was still as awestruck as I'd been after waking up. The first few days after my change were consumed with learning to hunt and drinking as much animal blood as I could get my hands on. Due to Edward and Alice's dutiful babysitting via their gifts, we'd avoided a catastrophe so far and I hadn't come into contact with any humans yet.

Humans.

That was a touchy subject. I missed my dad and Patrick. I missed my friends, my brothers, my mom…and Brady.

I hadn't heard from Brady since I woke up two weeks ago. Other than the wolf howl in the woods, he was nothing but a distant memory. A distant memory that made my dead heart ache. I slowed to a walk as we neared a cliff overlooking an inlet. Rosalie and Emmett settled into a hand-holding walk behind me, stopping to sit on a nearby fallen tree. They were talking quietly about how they were redecorating their old room in the house. They'd been gone for several years while Seth lived there, and I guess they wanted to re-do the entire thing. I watched them over my shoulder, stopping at the base of a large pine tree. They were so engrossed in one another. A pang of familiarity shot up my sternum as I took a small jump and began effortlessly scaling the tree. I flew up the branches, easily swinging my way to the very top in a matter of seconds. The view was tall and dizzying. I'd chosen one of the tallest pines near the cliff to observe the misty view of the inlet below. A few miles upstream, a boat floated in distance.

I wondered what Brady was doing in that moment. Where was he? Did he know I still thought about him, even though I was a monster now? I really hope he knew I still thought about him. I had no way to contact him – my phone had been taken to Seattle by Bella and used to make it look like I was still alive but had simply run away. Jasper had sat me down and explained all of the details of my 'disappearance' and how it had been explained to the police. Seth had helped coordinate the lie that I'd run off to Seattle and away from the stresses of high school. I sighed, running my hand along the bark of the tree. That didn't sound like me at all. There was no way my father would accept that I'd run away from home. But, it was a lie I had to play along with. I had to – Brady was the last person I'd been seen with and that didn't exactly look good. In order to keep him looking clean and clear and off the police's radar, I had to look alive but just like I'd run away. Brady's freedom relied on my staying hidden and out of the lives of everyone I'd known as a human.

I settled onto a high branch, aligning my back with the wide trunk of the tree so that I could recline back against it. I tried to do this twice a day – get somewhere quiet, lean back, and focus on my memories. The ones from childhood seemed ingrained in my mind. They were the ones that felt anchored there and less likely to slip away. My little brothers being born, going to the beach with my mom, buying the big house in California and picking out my room. It was the other stuff that felt distant, like a dream I'd just woken up from. Moving to Forks, becoming friends with Clare and Regan, meeting Brady and falling in love with him….

I didn't understand why he'd just disappeared. I understood why I had to disappear, but I didn't get why he wouldn't even come to see me. You're repulsive now, a little voice whispered.

I hung my head and squeezed my eyes shut. My emotions swirled in my chest, the familiar pang of hurt bubbling up until I let out a ragged exhale of air. In the weeks since I'd awoken a vampire, I'd cooked up a million reasons in my head as to why Brady had suddenly disappeared, but I always went back to the one that I knew was the real one.

I was a vampire now.

And he was still a shape shifting wolf.

It was as Rosalie had said on that very first day - we were enemies now.

It's not fair, I thought. It wasn't fair that I'd been doomed to this life where I was isolated from my friends and family and Brady. It was just starting to get good, I thought. I closed my eyes again and fought to remember everything I could.

His eyes. His black fur. The sound when he laughed – really laughed. The way his hand felt in mine, like it was meant to be there. The way his heart sounded when I'd lie with my ear over it when we were all cuddled up on the couch. The warmth, the smell of him. The way he'd held me to his chest after that night in his room. It wasn't his first time but it'd been mine and he'd made me feel like I was the only one for him and that was all that mattered. I fought to hold onto the feelings, forcing my brain to brand the images into my mind forever. For a moment it worked. For just as sliver of a moment, I was there with him on my basement couch in my mind. I was wrapped up in his strong, warm embrace, and we were facing each other on our sides. I pictured running my fingertip down his chiseled jaw and watched him smile at me. His deep brown eyes were pools of warmth were easy to get lost in. For a moment, I was there.

I opened my eyes slowly.

There I was – not on my basement couch with Brady, a young human girl without a care in the world except for the fact that she was falling in love with a boy who was her soulmate. No, I wasn't in that place anymore. I was sitting in a treetop, watching a storm roll in over the water far below. It was cold, but I couldn't feel it on the outside. My white, diamond hard skin protected me from feeling anything, really. But on the inside…I'd never felt colder.

Rosalie helped me bury the elk, holding up a sapling so that I could place the animal's body into the shallow hole. Working together, we replanted the frozen little tree and patted the leaves around the base into a natural looking arrangement. I guess it made sense in a way that I buried my kills; it put the evidence I'd practically ripped something's throat out in my wild newborn vampire thirst, and, it gave me peace. I hated killing – even animals. While Emmett and even Jasper tended to sometimes play with their kills, Rosalie had taught me a sure proof way to make sure nothing I ate for dinner ever suffered. That gave me some comfort, but I still hated ending a life every time my throat raged with fire. And it wasn't like it was a temporary fix, either. I would never be fully stated. It was for eternity. Not matter how much extra brain space I had for thinking and contemplating I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to wrap my head around that.

"You okay?" Her voice broke through the silence.

"Uh… yeah."

Her eyes flicked up to the tree where I'd been perched before turning back to me. "You sat up there for a while. Something the matter?"

I snorted. What wasn't the matter? I opened my mouth to give her a sarcastic remark about how pitiful my life was, but stopped short. She'd woven her arm in mine and was walking in step with me, her bright, golden eyes filled with concern. Rosalie didn't do this to me – she pull me to the top of a tree and bite me, ending my human life. She didn't do this to me and she didn't deserve my bitterness and spite, no matter how unfair I felt. I whined to her enough. She wasn't the cause of my misery and deep down I knew she didn't deserve to deal with my constant self-pity.

"I… I was just thinking. Remembering. Trying to remember my family, my friends… Brady."

She nodded in understanding. "That's wise. You want to think of the memories you want to keep often. Hold onto them with everything you have these first few weeks. I did and… I'm so grateful to have the bits and pieces that I do still have. Christmases at home, with my family. When my baby brother was born. The first silk dress my mother bought me in a department store…" She sighed wistfully, her eyes going unfocused for a moment as we walked through the ferns. "Keeping them at the forefront of your brain can be extremely painful and sad but… it helps. Once your vampire mind sees them replaying in your memory it seems to… trap them there. If there's something special you want to… to hold on to, keep it locked away in your mind as long as you can."

I nodded, my throat already feeling dry. "I plan to."

"Good."

Taking a deep breath, I found the courage to ask her the question I think I already knew the answer to. "Rosalie… do you ever think it's possible… for me to… see my family ever again?"

She stopped, her tongue darting out to lick her lips as she stared off to the side, her face twisted up in a pensive look. I could tell her answer wasn't going to be one I wanted to hear, but I felt like something in me needed to hear her say it.

"I can tell you anything you want to hear, Lexi. I can tell you that sure, you can see them again and everything will work out and you'll have this miraculous control and they'll just accept you and keep our secret," she sighed, pausing to bite her lip. Reaching out, she took my hand in hers and met my eyes. "but, Lexi, but that's not what you need to hear. What you need to hear is a horrible truth, a story about bloodlust or accidental murders or worse. But none of that will matter after the first time you get a scent of human blood."

I studied her face as she spoke. It felt like my heart should be pounding if I had a heartbeat.

"The first time you smell a human as a newborn vampire… nothing can deter you from the idea of feeding. When you smell their blood and hear their pulse it-" she broke off, her voice cracking. "It won't matter if you're related. It won't matter if it's your brother, your friend, your father… it won't matter to you. Because no matter how much you think you know yourself, no matter how strong your control is… " She trailed off, shaking her head in… shame? "No matter what the circumstances are Lexi… when you smell it, it doesn't matter if you've been a vampire for a day, a year, or even a century… you won't be able to stop yourself from picturing the kill. You won't be able to stop until whatever you've managed to get your hands on is dead and drained, Lexi. Please… I know you miss your family… trust me, I've… I've been where you are right now. I wish I could say it gets easier, I really do. But you'll never forgive yourself if something happens to them and it's your doing. Please, Lexi… believe that."

I hung my head as we walked. "Believe me… I do. It's just that I miss them. So much. They must be so worried about me… wondering if I hate them… if I'm dead in a ditch somewhere, I-"

"I know," she cut me off, stopping. "But you don't know how you'll react to the scent of humans. You might be fine, but there's a very good chance you might not. Is that a risk you're willing to let yourself take?"

It wasn't, and I knew she was right. But I still allowed myself to live in a state of denial for another few days after our talk about how much I missed my family. Of course my vampire mind remembered her heartfelt speech word for word, but the only part I managed to compartmentalize was the issue of missing my family and friends so much.

It was all I could think about… until, like I said, a few days later.

It started like any other day. Any other endless, sleepless, countless day.

I was freshly showered and cleaned from my pre-dawn hunt with Alice and Jasper – the Cullens all too turns taking me hunting, as none of them needed to feed as often as I did. The most practiced of the group, Carlisle, Edward, and Rosalie all hunted the least amount, followed by Esme, Alice, Emmett, and then Jasper and Bella. Age had a lot to do with it, but a lot of it was habit and restrained. I'd learned that vampires rarely changed as immortals and creating new habits was one of the hardest things for our kind to do. The idea that we drank only the blood of animals wasn't an easy one to get used to.

I was about to find out just how serious Rosalie had been when we'd had our talk several days before. We'd gone back to the Cullen house and she'd tried to cheer me up with one of her favorite pastimes.

"Are you going to be alright?"

I'd nodded and flopped on the bed. Edward had donated his old room in the Cullen house to me – he was staying with his wife, Bella, in their old cottage just up the path from the house. I hadn't made much of an effort to decorate it to my taste yet, even though Esme had offered half a dozen times to help me pick out new things to 'make it my own.' She was so kind. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the only reason I'd refused her so far was simply because decorating this room they'd given me made my change feel permanent. Of course I knew it was, but the thought of staying here for more than a short time felt like a noose around my neck. But how could I possibly explain that to the people that had done nothing but take care of me since they'd rescued me? It was easier to just politely decline for the moment and tell them I was still thinking about what colors I wanted to use.

I was moping and I knew it. Rosalie seemed to sense it too, in her motherly way. She'd explained to me that I'd never grow or change or even menstruate again while we'd had one of our awkward, painful talks about my new body. I'd wanted to curl up into a ball and cry when she'd told me I'd never age or sleep or change in any shape or form. The option of having children or ever growing old had been stripped from me without my ever getting to the point in my life where I'd considered it. It was beyond strange.

"You'll be alright," she said, appearing in the doorway. "Do you want to do something to take your mind off of it?"

I glanced up at her from my spot on the bed. I'd been staring up at the ceiling, contemplating ways to pass the time.

Rolling onto my side, I tried to force a smile. "What did you have in mind?"

She produced a laptop with a lightening quick flick of her wrist. "A surefire way to cheer you up. One of my favorite things to do when I'm feeling blue is to fire this bad boy up and do some damage online."

I sat up and watched as she floated into the room and proudly opened the sleek little computer.

"You online shop? A lot?"

She nodded, flicking her golden hair over her shoulder. "Since we can't go into the stores due to your condition, let's try something else that might cheer you up. Doing a little shopping always brightens my day. Just because you're stuck in this house doesn't mean you have to always wear hand me downs and whatever you can find. Come on, let's do some shopping!"

I joined her as she sat at Edward's old desk, pulling up a stool to sit on. She opened a billfold full of shiny, new-looking credit cards. "All mine, all legal," she promised with a hand in the air. "Well… Alice helped me pick which stocks to buy… but she still maintains that's not cheating," she sniffed. The laptop whirred to life, Rosalie expertly bringing up tabs to designer name websites like she'd done in a thousand times. Maybe she had. We spent the afternoon measuring me and picking out an array of clothes, shoes, purses, and accessories that tallied well into the thousands. I had everything from the basics – bras, underwear, pajamas; to designer jeans and fancy shirts from places I'd only dreamed of. When I'd balked at the prices during checkout, she'd simply patted my hand.

"Let me do this for you, Lexi. It's one of the few perks. Just take this and try to cheer up," she'd said, handing me one of the cards. "That's to keep."

"But I don't have –"

"But I do."

"Rosalie…"

"It's fine. If this helps you get out of your slump, then its money well spent. I just want you to try to find some sort of happiness in this new life, Lexi. If this helps, then… let's try it."

She'd been right – even though the clothes were a shallow, materialistic waste of time, they were something to look forward to and they did cheer me up. Even if it was temporary, she was right – it did help. Scrolling through the internet for hours at a time was a welcomed distraction – not to mention it was beyond thrilling to see my shopping cart at the end and get to actually click 'purchase' with little to no guild. She'd assured me that it was all well within my reach. It would be nice to have clothes that weren't hand me downs and that I had chosen myself.

As I said, it had been a normal day up until that point. We'd ordered the clothes almost a week ago and were expecting them to arrive any day now. However, they'd forgotten one tiny detail.

I was up in my bedroom, lounging on the bed that morning, reading a book. Half reading, half listening to the sounds in the woods. The door to Edward's balcony cracked open, despite the chilly temperatures. I felt a lot less panicky if I could smell and hear everything going on around me, so Esme assured me it was no issue to leave it cracked if I started to feel anxious.

Then I heard it.

A loud engine pulled off the main road, down the long, twisting driveway leading to the house. I felt myself sit up. My ears pricked as the sound seemed to cut through the quiet morning. I didn't hear Esme downstairs working on a sketch, I didn't' hear the movie Rosalie and Emmett were watching, and I didn't even hear the ticking of the grandfather clock in Carlisle's library. My memories, my feelings, my very soul seemed to fall away like tissue paper as the real me emerged.

The murderous me.

In less than a millisecond I'd transformed – gone was Lexi, gone was the girl that cared for her family and her friends and emerged a monster. A thirsty, murderous, monster. The flames in my throat roared with a painful form of anticipatory glee that only came before you did something you knew was bad but you knew would be so, so good.

My body coiled like a spring and I shot towards the front door, ready to rip it from the wall with a single thought on my mind.

Blood.

Oh poor Lexi. I hope you enjoyed this chapter - I tried to put a lot of time and thought into what her life would be like and the feelings she would have and struggle with. Poor girl. And yes, Brady is being a selfish asshole again, but hey - that's nothing new, right?

Thank you to NinkyBaby for beta-skills!

Thank you for sticking with me guys! Please let me know what you thought.