Thanks to the reviewer who I had a conversation with today. You know who you are :)

This chapter contains a little talk about Sheldon from private practice. You don't need to have watched to understand, all you need to know is that he and Amelia were close, especially when she had relapsed and was getting clean again.

Enjoy.

Amelia POV

*flash back*"You know I can take the morning off work if that's what you need. You're not alone in this, Amelia." Arizona explains, walking into our bedroom and joining me under the covers."I know." I nod. There is no doubt in my mind she would take time off from work if I asked, but I also know that other people need her too."So…""Am I looking forward to it? No. Am I scared? A little, I'm not going to lie. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. We knew a time would come when you wouldn't be able to be by my side in a therapy session. I'm just going to have to deal with it.""I'm proud of you for coping with this so well." She explains with a smile, opening her arms for me to crawl into. I rest my head on her chest and feel safe in her embrace. She will protect me.*end of flashback*

I have been working toward having the confidence to go to therapy on my own. Each session, Arizona has been waiting outside a little longer so that I could get used to the idea of being alone. It's scary, I feel so much safer in her arms, but I know she can't always be here. I'm going to have to learn how to cope on my own so I may as well get it over with.

When Dr Watson calls me into her office, she seems surprised to see me alone, but doesn't initially rise to the fact. She simply indicates for me to sit.

"So, Amelia, how have you been since we last saw each other?"

"About as good as could be expected." I respond with a light shrug of the shoulders, not really sure what else I should add.

"Have you slept at all?"

"A bit. I'm getting regular short naps rather than sleeping on a night but it's better than nothing, right?"

"Is there a particular reason for that? Choosing naps over a regular sleeping pattern?"

"I can only sleep for so long until I get nightmares. The more times I go back to sleep, the worse they get. So now I just get up and then try again in a few hours." I try my hardest to explain, it's not something I have had to verbalise before so it takes me a moment to find the right words.

"Are the nightmares about the rape?"

"Yeah. It's mostly the same. It's like I'm trapped beneath him and there is nothing I can do to get away. I can feel what he's doing like he's really there. Then I wake up and remember he's dead."

"Is there anything in particular that makes the nightmares worse?"

"If I've talked about him, about the attack before going to bed. Or physical contact while I'm asleep."

"I'm presuming you tend to avoid those things then."

"Talking yeah, contact not so much."I admit quietly, almost as though I'm ashamed that I don't do everything possible to avoid the night terrors.

"Why is that?"

"If I have a nightmare, at least I know I'll wake up. After the incident last week I've been scared that I wouldn't wake up so at least having nightmares means I will."

"A nightmare is just as likely to wake up as say, an alarm. Have you considered setting an alarm a couple of times through the night? That way you can make sure you wake up without putting yourself in a distressing situation. Plus, then Arizona will wake up if you don't and will be able to help you." Anne explains simply, looking at me and remaining quiet until I have a chance to respond.

"That actually makes a lot of sense."

"Have you continued to take the medication I prescribed?"

"Yeah."

"It's going to take a good few weeks before you start to see any improvement, so for now I'm only concerned if you're having any side effects. Have you had any?

"Physically, no."

"And psychologically?"

"Panic attacks."

"Caused by the medication?"The doctor asks with a raised eyebrow. This is clearly something she hadn't heard much before.

"The last time I took a pill, I woke up to my fiancé dead in bed next to me. He aspirated on his own vomit. Especially after taking my evening dose, I worry about Arizona. I know it's stupid, like it doesn't make sense but it's like I can't explain that to my body."

"Tell me about Ryan. We haven't really discussed him much."

"Yeah, it hurts too much. Thinking about it."

"About his death?"

"Yeah and uh…"I stutter, unable to finish my sentence.

"And what?" Anne Prompts

"How it was my fault he died."

"I thought you said he overdosed?"

"Yeah, he did."

"Okay, then how did you come to the conclusion that his death was your fault?"

"We decided to get clean together. We got into a fight. He wanted to flush the drugs, I wanted one last high. I won the fight, he lost his life. I should have just let him get rid of them."

"Did you administer the drugs?"

"I prescribed them. I told him he couldn't get rid of them."

"Did you force him to use them?"

"No, but-"

"But nothing. You can't blame yourself for his actions. You told me his death helped you get clean. Think about how many patients lives you have saved because of what happened."

"That still doesn't make what I did right."

"No, it doesn't. But it's a first step. Have you spoken to Arizona, or your sisters about these feelings of guilt?"

"I tried once, to talk to Arizona about it. It didn't go well. She just told me it wasn't my fault, but I don't see it that way. I just keep thinking back to when I was in rehab. There was a girl there who convinced me to talk to my friend Sheldon about it. He pretty much said what you did. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, you both being shrinks and all… No offense."

"None taken, he sounds like a smart guy. You haven't mentioned Sheldon before."

"Yeah, we were good friends in LA."

"LA… his surname wasn't Wallace was it?"

"So you know him? Small world huh."

"We went to med school together. So you're not friends anymore?"

"I said some things when I was high that I couldn't take back, and he erm, he wasn't there when I realised I was pregnant. I called, and called but he didn't call back. He was going through his own problems. We are fine now, we still text occasionally but I guess it'll never be like before though."

"I want to give you a task. Whenever you find yourself thinking of Ryan, when you're blaming yourself. I want you to say 'it was not my fault' three times. If you're somewhere where you can't speak out loud, try writing it down. Clearly in your case, being told your wrong doesn't help, so I want you to tell it to yourself. Sometimes repetitive action can help overcome automatic thoughts."

"Okay."

"Say it, Amelia. It was not my fault."

"It wasn't my fault." I whisper, only just loud enough for my words to be heard.

"Again."

"It wasn't my fault."

"One more time."

"It wa- wasn't my fault." I stammer and my body begins to shake. I wipe my eyes and wrap my arms around my body. The therapist passes me a box of tissues and I take one. "I uh, thanks."

"I think you should try to talk to Arizona about your feelings of guilt again. Let her know you need her to listen, to hear you out."

"I can try."

"You've made really good progress today, Amelia."

"I'm trying. I'm really trying."

"I can tell. So, you have another appointment in five days. If anything comes up and you want to see me sooner, please call."

"I will, thank you." I say to the therapist on the way out of the office.

Although I'm physically tired and emotionally exhausted, I'm feeling okay. The cravings aren't too bad and I don't feel the need to go to a meeting like I had scheduled. I've been attending a little more often than usual since the hospital situation, but today I don't feel the need to go. I feel normal, and normal is good. I make sure to eat an apple, knowing I haven't had lunch before my appointment and then head toward my bedroom. I remember Dr Watson's advice about setting an alarm. I set one for an hours time and another for an hour and a half, just in case I don't hear the first and climb into bed. I'm going to try to nap before leaving to pick up Sofia from school. For the first time in days I feel like I have a chance. Like things could be okay again.

"Excuse me, are you Sofia's Mom?" a young woman asks in the school playground while I'm waiting for her to exit the building.

"Yes, I am. Everything okay?"

"She is fine, she's just having a nosebleed. She asked us to come find you. She said you're a doctor."

"Yeah, head of neurosurgery at Grey Sloan. Could you take me to her?"

"Of course. I thought Sofia said you were a children's doctor?"

"My girlfriend, Sof's other mom is head of Pediatric Surgery. So neither of us are strangers to the occasional nosebleed. Was it triggered by anything or just random?"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't there so I'm not really sure. You would have to ask her, or her teacher. It's just down this hall." She explains and I follow through the hall of children's artwork into a small room where I see Sofia.

"Hey kiddo, tilt your head forward for me." I instruct quickly after seeing her with her head tipped back trying to stop the bleeding. "Pinch here, it'll help." I add, placing her fingers on the top of her nose.

"Sorry, who are you?" One of the members of staff asks me.

"Amelia Shepherd, one of Sofia's mom's. Just for future notice, if a child is having a nosebleed, tell them to tip their head forward. If they tip backwards it can lead to swallowing blood which can irritate the stomach." I tell the members of staff. Surely to work in a school you'd think they would have to pass a basic first aid course, right?

"Sorry Amy, I didn't mean to get blood on my clothes."

"Don't worry about that. It's just a t-shirt, we can get you another one. Does anything hurt?"

"It's just a nosebleed, kids get them all the time." Her teacher answers for her and I turn toward her.

"I know it's probably nothing. But I also know that nosebleeds can be symptoms of other, more serious things. Perks of having doctor parents, right Sof? We worry too much."

"Yeah. I don't hurt, I just feel un poco mareado."

"A little what? I'm sorry, I don't know that word baby."

"Erm, it's like my head feels wobbly, like spinning?"

"Dizzy?"

"Yeah. Dizzy. Sorry Melia, I forgot the English word."

"It's fine. We figured it out. And now I've learned a new Spanish word. And, by the looks of it, the bleeding seems to be stopping." I say with a small smile rubbing circles on her back. "Could we get her a drink of water? To try and help with the dizziness?"

"Of course."

"What happened, kiddo?"

"I don't know. I was doing my math work and then I was bleeding. Out of nowhere!" she exclaims, mimicking an explosion with her hands.

"Just like that, huh?"

"Yeah. This hasn't happened since Io era pequeño."

"You know, I used to have nose bleeds all the time when I was little. So you want to know what happened?"

"What?"

"I waited for it to stop, and then my brother would take me to go get ice cream so I feel better."

"Can we get ice cream Amy?"

"Sure. Just have a few sips of water first, make sure you're not feeling dizzy anymore."

We take a couple of pieces of tissue with us incase the bleeding starts again and we leave the school. Sofia's hand has found its way into mine, despite the fact she is easily old enough to walk on her own. She chose to hold hands. "Just let me know if you feel dizzy again, okay sweetie? I don't want you fainting on me." I tell her with a small squeeze of the hand.

"I won't Amy, I'm okay now."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"You told the teachers you are my mom." Sofia states with a grin.

"So you noticed? Are you still okay with that?"

"Yeah. You're an awesome Mom! And you told Ms Warren she was wrong which was cool. Nobody likes her."

"Which teacher was that? Why doesn't anybody like her?"

"She is super strict and doesn't like it when we get things wrong. But she told me to tip my head back and you told me to put it forward. She got something wrong and you told her! This is the best day ever." Sofia laughs with the biggest grin on her face.

When we get to the car, I tell Sofia to get in while I choose to get out my bag from the trunk. When I climb into the car, I rummage through the bag to get my spare sweater. I always keep some sort of spare clothes in my car incase I need them, when you work in a hospital you have to be prepared for the bodily fluids that can ruin your clothing. I pass it to Sofia, telling her to change out of the bloody top. It'll be a little big on her, but not too bad. I start the car and drive to the local ice cream parlour, it's Sofia's favourite. We find a booth at the back of the store to sit down. I ask a few questions regarding the nosebleed and she informs me it happened a few times when she lived in New York. I make a mental note to ask Arizona later if there is any reason behind them, but decide to stop asking questions. I don't want to worry her.

We take a look at the menu, I choose a mixed Berry flavour while Sofia decides she wants the cookie flavoured ice cream, something I didn't even know existed but unsurprisingly she was right, and it does.

"Do you miss your brother Amy?" she asks as she takes a mouthful of the creamy goodness.

"All the time."

"Really?"

"Yep. Every single day, but you and your mom help a lot. Why do you want to know?"

"I don't know. You don't really talk about him."

"I try to talk about him sometimes, I guess you're not normally there when I do. I talk about him at Meredith's house a lot because Zola, Bailey and Ellis wanted to know about him. I guess it's just normally when you're not around."

"Does it make you sad to talk about him?"

"Sometimes a little, because it reminds me how much I miss him. But talking about him also reminds me how much I loved him, how lucky I was to have him. He was the best brother ever."

"How was he the best?"

"Well, you know how much he looked after me when I was younger after my dad died. And without him, I definitely wouldn't be here with you, living with you and your mom."

"Why not?"

"He is a big reason I'm a neurosurgeon. I moved here to live near him. Plus he saved my life when I was younger, he gave me a second chance."

"You almost died?!"

"Technically I did die, but Derek brought me back. But that was a long, long time ago and I'm okay now." I make sure to explain, not wanting Sofia to worry I could drop dead at any moment.

"Woah. What happened? Was it just black? Was there a heaven? Is God real?"

"Hold up kiddo, those are some big questions that I do not have the answers to. I don't really remember anything, just that I was scared when I woke up But I was okay because Derek was there."

"Does Mom know?!"

"I have mentioned it before, but it was a while ago."

"Im happy you had your brother to help you stay alive."

"Me too, I don't know what I would do without you to ask me millions of questions per day."

"Not millions. Only like… 20."

"Sure, whatever you say. Come on, let's go home."

"You told our daughter you died?"Arizona asks loudly, walking briskly into our bedroom.

"I told her Derek saved my life, I didn't think she would have so many follow up questions. I didn't go into details or anything."

"When I got home from work, the first thing she said to me was 'Mom, Amy died but she doesn't remember whether God is real or anything and her brother helped her live'. I have just finished a 12 hour shift, my brain isn't functioning. Help me out here."

"She had a nose bleed at school. I told her when I used to get them, Derek used to take me for ice cream after to make me feel better. Then she started asking questions about him and I told her that it's thanks to him that I met you guys, that he is a part of the reason I became a neurosurgeon, and that I moved here to be with him. I may have added that he is the reason I'm alive and apparently that got her attention. I tried to be brief but she was asking about heaven and god and I barely understand my own life, nevermind the after life. Things got deep quick. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, it was stupid." My heart is pounding in my chest. I was unaware that Arizona would be so apposed to myself and her daughter discussing such a topic.

"Amelia, breathe. I'm not mad, I was just confused at what happened."

"When she asked follow up questions, I told her that I technically died, but I'm okay. It was a long time ago and Derek brought me back. That's it." I state simply, looking down at my feet, unsure what else I can do or say. Arizona makes her way to sit by my side and takes my hand in hers.

"Derek was a part of the reason you became a neurosurgeon and what was the other part? Just luck?"She asks softly.

"I'm not a lover of psychology, but I think the fact that Derek and I both saw our dad get shot in the head probably has something to do with it."

"Oh."

"How was your therapy appointment?"

"It was fine. I erm-"

"You don't want to talk about it?"

"No, it's not that. Anne said I had a break though. It didn't feel like that but I guess… she gave me a new thing to try, and she said I should talk to you."

"You want to elaborate?"

"A while back, I told you it was my fault Ryan died, but you said it wasn't. I felt like I didn't really get a chance to explain because you told me I was wrong straight away. I know its just because you don't want me to blame myself, but I still do, I just didn't try to talk about it again because I didn't want to start a fight."

"Tell me now?"

"I prescribed the drugs. He wanted to get clean, he wanted to flush the rest of our supply, but I pressured him into having one last high. He didn't want to. He tried to convince me no, but I won the argument and we did the drugs. The night he died, I pressured him to take the drugs. If I hadn't, he would still be alive."

"Okay, so you made bad choices. I still love you, Amelia. This doesn't change my love for you."

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Know what I'm thinking before I say anything. How did you know that was the right thing to say?"

"Well, I know you. I know where your mind tends to wander. And it's true."

"Anne said that having other people tell me I'm wrong isn't going to help, she said I have to train my brain so that I believe it. She said every time I blame myself for his death I have to say 'it was not my fault' three times to myself. Or write it down if I'm not in a place I can talk."

"I'm sorry if I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me before. It wasn't my intention."

"I know."

"If that happens again, I want you to tell me. I never want you to feel like you can't talk about something." We are interrupted when my phone begins to vibrate. I roll over to answer the call.

I see Sheldon's name flash upon the screen. He must be calling in relation to my earlier message. I texted to tell him I had spoken to Anne, his buddy from med school. After what she had said in my session, I didn't think it would be a problem.

"How do you know Anne? Please tell me you two aren't discussing my 30 year old sex life."

"Woah. What? No. Sheldon, she's my therapist. I did not need to know that. She just mentioned you guys went to med school together when you came up in conversation."

"I came up in conversation?"

"I was talking about my time in rehab. You were the only one I let visit, so yeah, you came up."

"Wait, since when do you go to therapy. I thought you were always against the idea?"

"Since my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea, and it seems to be helping."I explain simply, looking up at my girlfriend to see her smiling at my admission that I feel the therapy is benefitting me.

"Wait, girlfriend? As in relationship girlfriend?"

"How didn't you know this? Charlotte and Addison are both aware, I presumed you spoke to them."

"I keep in touch with you and Violet, not really the others. You never mentioned anything."

"Okay well, recap. Yes, I'm in a relationship, and for when you stalk us in social media later, yes I'm also comparenting her daughter. Don't act so surprised, it's not like you didn't know I was bi."

"Can I meet her?"

"Az, say hi to Sheldon." I instruct, putting my phone on speaker.

"Hi Sheldon."

"Sheldon, that is my girlfriend, Arizona. She's head of paeds at Grey Sloan."

"Hi Arizona, I'm sorry, this is all a bit of a shock, but I'm glad you're happy Amelia. I hope I get to meet you at some point, Arizona."

"Then I guess we are even. Finding out my friend used to sleep with my therapist wasn't something I planned on finding out today so… "

"You're okay though, right?" Sheldon asks. "You're sober?"He follows up.

"Yup, I am. -"

"Mom, Amy, I can't find my homework." Sofia announces, walking into our bedroom.

"You sound like you need to deal with that. It's been nice catching up Amelia, we should do this again soon."

"That sounds nice. Bye Shelly."

"Amy."

"Fine. Bye Sheldon."

"Bye Amelia." I hang up the phone and sit up to go help Sofia..

"Did he just call you Amy?" Arizona asks while we walk to the living room.

"Only because I called him Shelly."

"He knew you were bi, but Addison didn't? I'm confused."Arizona states, curiosity dripping from her words.

"We were close. When I started drinking again, he helped me out, he picked me up a few times. Apparently drunk me is flirty, with everyone so… We had a few conversations about it."

"Oh, okay. He seems, nice."

"He is. We aren't as close as we used to be, I don't think we will ever be as close as we used to be, it's weird."

"In what way?"

"I trust him, like if I tell him something, I trust him not to spill my secrets or whatever, but I can't rely on him. Not anymore."

"What happened?"

"I said some stuff when I was high, and I regret it, but as soon as I was safe, like out of rehab he vanished. He was the one I needed to talk to, when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted him by my side but he didn't answer any of my calls."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Clearly things worked out somehow because now I have you."

"Do you have a picture of you guys together?"

"Only the group photos with the rest of the practice. He's the one that kinda looks like a turtle." I say, passing her my phone with a picture.

"I, I was going to say that's mean, but I know which one you're talking about based on that description."I see her laugh lightly but her smile doesn't reach her eyes.

"Yeah, I mean, I didn't just call him Shelly because of his name."

"Do you miss them?"

"Yeah, but moving here was something I had to do. I don't think I could have survived if I stayed there. Plus, I didn't realise how many surgical opportunities I was missing out on."

"What do you mean?"

"I was working as a neurologist who performed surgeries rather than a surgeon. I get way more interesting cases here. I miss the people more than the work."

"Y'know, we could make a trip to visit them if you want?"

"Maybe. I have a lot of memories there, both good and bad. I just, I don't know."

"Think about it?"She asks.

"I will."

"We should go make dinner. Tacos?"

"Sounds good."