Yeah I'll keep the memories keep your distance I let you go
'Cause your love is on fire on mountain tops not down with me
Your heart is so wild but never free

So wake me up the dream I had is over
We were so young and now were getting older
And I can't keep on giving you what might be meant for someone new
Wake me up the dream I had is over

Johnnyswim – Over

Chapter 41: Murder

Lexi

Blood.

It was suddenly all I could think about. One minute I was flipping through a magazine thinking about nothing in particular. The next, I was shaken to my very core with a blood lust I'd never even dreamed was possible.

It was a millisecond at best. My body went stone still; my mouth flooded with the sour, bitter taste I'd learned from my 'vampire lessons' was venom. My eyes dilated to pitch black (a tiny, miniscule part of my brain registered the change my pupils as they shifted into hunting mode) in thirst as the cloying scent of something delicious and savory filled every fiber of my nose and throat.

It was like an out of body experience I had a front row seat to.

And the sick, twisted, hungry part of myself was cheering itself on.

Somewhere in the back of my mind was the human me; the logical, sweet, optimistic me that urged myself to fight the frenzy.

The human me was easy to silence.

She didn't know pain, or death, or suffering.

The human me didn't know the agony of thirst.

Damn her.

The memory of the brittle human girl I used to be was thrown to the wind as I looked up from the long forgotten pages of the glossy pages beneath my marble fingertips. My eyes grew unfocused as I listened to it. All else faded away as the sound grew closer.

And closer.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

My throat flamed.

I heard myself hiss before tossing the magazine into the air and flying towards the front door. I couldn't hear anything but the engine of the large automobile that was bringing it closer to me. It wound up the drive to the house, the tires crunching against the gravel as the heart inside beat gloriously. I could imagine how thin the skin was; how easy it would be to sink my teeth into it and let the blood come oozing out. My throat flamed with anticipation as I flew down the stairs from Rosalie's room, my feet barely touching the steps. Oh, the smell was simply out of this world hypnotizing. It was better than apple pie, filet mignon, fresh baked bread, chocolate chip cookies and freshly cooked bacon.

The scent drawing closer to me put them all to shame.

My throat roared.

I heard myself practically frothing and purring with delight at the image my mind had created of the bliss I would soon feel. Once my teeth were lodged in the artery, the blood would come gushing out and onto my tongue. I would drink it up, not missing a drop as it calmed the fire in my throat. I would drink until-

"Ahhh!"

I let out a yelp of surprise as I was jerked back from the door as a knock sounded. Emmett's arms were around my middle as Rosalie yanked my arm back. I hissed – it was the only thing I could think to do – and fought their iron grips.

"Lexi!"

I growled and swiped at her, barely missing her cheek. How dare she keep me from my meal! Didn't she realize how badly my throat hurt? Couldn't she understand the need to hunt, to feed, to quench my thirst? The need to feed was far greater than anything else!

I barely registered that they'd yanked me around the corner into Carlisle's study. A knock sounded on the door a second time.

"Lexi, you have to stop! Esme!" Rosalie hissed desperately, barely dodging the swipes of my arm.

Stop! Something inside me begged. Stop this! Stop this insanity this instant! You don't want to kill him! You cannot hurt Rosalie! She's sacrificed everything for you-

"I can't hold her… shit," Emmett growled. "Lexi, stop!"

I struggled against their grasp, growling in warning a second time before my fist swung behind me and barely caught Emmet's chin. He snarled in response and only gripped me tighter. His muscles strained against my torso as I fought to spring towards the door. I was just out of sight…

I could hear his heartbeat. I could smell and taste and picture the blood running through the veins…

"Hello! Packages?" Esme trilled casually.

I heard someone clear their throat in the doorway. "Yes, quite a few, actually. Someone here sure likes to shop!" I heard a male voice say.

An involuntary gasp left my lips. I shook with need. I could hear his heart beating in his chest, second only to the sound of the rushing blood in his veins. My eyes closed briefly, picturing the way the scarlet liquid I craved so desperately flowed in each little artery. My mouth dripped with venom as I struggled against their grasp. I bared my teeth and growled just as Esme let out a casual laugh to cover the sound.

"Yes! Well, my husband is a doctor, so, I have a lot of free time and funds on my hands!" she laughed. "Why don't you just stack them on the porch and I'll have my son bring them in later? I don't want to break a nail," she warbled delightfully, her voice just loud enough to cover the sounds of my struggle.

"Lexi!" Rosalie hissed, "Lexi, stop! It's the UPS man!" she whispered in my ear. "Please, stop!"

I fought against their grip with every fiber of my being. I let out a quiet growl of frustration as I realized they were going to keep me from my kill. One by one the packages dropped onto the porch, the heartbeat increasing with every step. Emmet gripped me fiercely, his hands tightening around my middle as Rosalie held my arms.

I felt my head drop in defeat.

Rosalie lined herself up in my eye sight and tried to look me in the eye.

"You don't want to kill him. He is a person, Lexi, a person. He has a home, a name, and a life. He has a family, maybe a wife – maybe children. Feeding on him will ease your pain for maybe an hour. Maybe two. But feeding on him won't stop this. It will only make it worse."

Clenching my eyes shut, I tried as hard as I could to push the monster aside. It felt so natural to let it come forward, to let it plan its slaughter… a faceless man appeared in my thoughts. I focused on it, trying to draw myself away from my murderous thoughts before I did something I would regret. I focused on his face in my sharp mind and fought to remember that it was a person at the door – not just a meal. It's never just a meal. Our thirst had consequences, Rosalie liked to say.

I shriveled to the floor with a desperate cry. It was useless – they weren't going to let me go. Emmett lightened his grip as the three of us slumped to the floor, but didn't let up. I hung my head in shame as I heard the front door finally close. The blood pumping through the driver's veins still called to me, but without the faint winter breeze blowing it up the staircase through the open door, I was a little more controlled. Not a lot, but… it was some relief.

Esme's heels clicked lightly on the wooden stairs as she shot up to stand on the landing. "Are we okay up here?" she asked, her tone laced with concern. Raising my head, I gave her a miserable look and waited for the berating to start. The Cullens has been nothing but saint-like to me during the past few weeks. They had to be getting tired of the stupid newborn vampire constantly putting them on edge and ruining their home with her accidental strengths. Just yesterday I'd accidently ripped not one but two doorknobs off in a hurry to get outside.

I was a mess.

This officially sucked.

A shame I'd never known washed over me as I realized what I'd done. What I'd almost done.

I retreated to my room faster than I used to be able to blink, diving onto the bed and raking my fingers through my perfectly curled hair. They pulled and prodded at my scalp, prompting a frustrated growl from my gut. How could I have done that? How could I have almost murdered that poor delivery man like it was nothing?

That wasn't me. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised. I hadn't had a logical, human thought in any small corner of my body, not for a second after I'd smelt his blood.

His smooth, soothing liquid blood, the demon inside me hissed. I pawed at my head, a frustrated little shriek sounding in the quiet.

I didn't want to kill.

I didn't want to hurt anyone.

But my thoughts….

I couldn't get over how easily I'd gone that place. Rolling over onto my back, I clasped my hands to my chest and silently willed them to tremble even though I knew it was pointless. I didn't tremble or cry or have any emotional response that my old self recognized. This was hopeless.

I was hopeless.

I'd almost killed a man for a quick meal. A few months ago, a simple snack meant a drive through McDonalds for a diet Coke and a snack wrap with ranch. Now it meant murdering someone and living with their blood on my hands for all eternity.

The berating never came. Neither did the shame.

Or the guilt.

I guess maybe the three of them figured I'd had enough of that from myself.

I trudged behind Rosalie as we made our way through the forest later that night. Emmett and Jasper were somewhere up ahead, but she'd hung back with me to keep me company while I moped.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly, tilting her head. She looked like a runway model that had gotten dropped into the woods as she gracefully moved in her white silk blouse and black designer jeans. She wore black riding boots as the ground was still thawing and muddy beneath our feet. How was it possible she looked so perfect? I shouldn't compare myself to her, I realized. She'd had decades of practice. I'd only been a vampire a few weeks. A few long, miserable weeks.

I paused at the base of one of the tallest trees around, peering up into the branches. I didn't know the name of it, but the branches hundreds of feet up seemed to beckon to me.

"Want to climb?" she asked, a twinkle in her golden eyes.

"We can climb?" I asked dumbly.

She snorted. "We can do everything. Just watch, and do what I do."

I stood back and watched her take a little running leap at the base of the tree. She swept up the bark like a graceful looking squirrel, stopping on the lowest branch to turn around and motion to me. "Come on, you'll like this!"

If I had nothing else left in the world, I had trust in Rosalie. Mimicking her movements, I ran at the tree and jumped. The bark beneath my fingertips may as well have been handlebars. I climbed effortlessly, scaling the tree like I'd done it a thousand times. She laughed and kept climbing. Somehow I managed to watch her movements and at the same time, repeat them myself. Before I knew it, we were almost to the top of the gigantic tree.

"See?"

Turning my head, I glanced out at the view before us. Even in the dead of winter, the Washington forest was a sprawling landscape of color and texture. The treetops rolled over the hills, blending into the hillsides and mountains like a painting.

"This is beautiful," I breathed. "I didn't know climbing could be so fun!"

She nodded. "Once… in the 40s… Emmett and I were at the top of the Empire State building when the power went out. We waited until everyone went inside before we climbed the spire. I think we stayed up there for hours, just… able to see the rest of the world that was covered in a black shroud. It was amazing to sit on top of the world like that."

I tried to imagine what she was describing, but it didn't seem real. None of it seemed real, I guess that was my issue with all of this.

"It's been… what? Two weeks?" I muttered, not to her, really, just out loud. "I still feel like I'm going to wake up any second."

Rosalie didn't speak, she just turned her head and listened. A wind blew through the tree tops, the branches shuddering beneath us. I gripped the one closes to me and sighed. "I… I've never had thoughts like the ones I had today," I said quietly. "I didn't know my mind could be so…"

"Murderous?" she offered meekly. I looked at her in surprise. "Been there," she admitted softly. "I've thought of things I'm too ashamed to tell even Emmett. I've let that part of myself… that dark, thirsty part of myself… plan the murders of hundreds of people over the years. Just for a meal that I'd forget about in a few days."

"That's what I was thinking about earlier, after…..after he left," I swallowed the venom that suddenly started seeping into my mouth at the memory. "I realized how quickly my thoughts turned to murder, but also that…its food to me now. And how many meals have I eaten in my lifetime and then forgotten all about? I was going to do that to that man. I was going to kill him and use him for food and then….then what? He would be dead. Gone."

"You're very right."

I swallowed again and shook my head. "I just can't imagine how other vampires can live like that. How they can feed from humans and just…disregard all life like that. At least I didn't get it before today, before smelling human blood like that. Maybe other vampires don't even realize what they're doing until after they've done it. Maybe they just don't know how to control it, or they don't want to."

"It's easier, I think," she sighed. "To turn off your humanity. I used to think the others of our kind lived like that because they were selfish, but…I don't think that's it at all. I think they kill humans to satisfy their blood lust and just….stay sane. It's hard to deny yourself like we do."

Rosalie winced and shook her head, closing her eyes in what looked like disgust. "Somehow by the grace of… well, of whatever there is out there… I managed to abstain. I never killed anyone for food."

I frowned. "For food? But you have killed before?"

She opened her eyes and refused to meet them with mine. "That wasn't for food… that was different," she said softly. "Another story for another day. But I don't want you to worry that this is you now, Lexi. You have control over what type of vampire you want to be. You can be the things of nightmares and horror stories or… well, you can be like Carlisle. He's never hurt anyone and I'm pretty sure he's as close to a saint as one can be."

"It shook me today," I explained. "I didn't know I could think like that."

"It's terrifying," she agreed. "Not knowing you're capable of thinking things like that."

I nodded. She'd explained my thoughts perfectly. I had pictured killing him, the faceless man at the door. I didn't know a thing about him other than the fact that he had blood in his veins. That was all I'd needed to know this morning in order to condemn him to die. All that mattered was feeding. Blurry images of my mom and dad and Patrick and my brothers flashed in front of my eye as I hung my head. Others joined it – Brady, Regan, Claire, Seth. They'd be shocked to hear what I'd been thinking.

"That's not you, Lexi. I can tell by the look on your face that… that you're remembering what you were thinking this morning. It's not you, it's the thirst. You wouldn't think those things if this hadn't have happened to you."

"No, I certainly wouldn't. I've never thought things like that in my entire life. I've… never," I said, shaking my head. I couldn't even find the words to express the disgust I had for my thoughts and the way I'd behaved earlier. "I never thought I'd have to worry about… whether or not I'm ever going to murder someone."

"Please don't think like that," she pleaded. "That's not you. It's just…what we are. But you can fight it, Lexi. You're bigger than your thirst. Remember that."

We were quiet after that, just gazing out across the tree tops. She kept peering over at me before she softly spoke. "Brady reached out to me."

My head snapped to attention at that. "He did?"

She looked hesitant, as if she'd regretted telling me that in a moment of weakness.

"Yes. He… he wants to talk to you."

I felt like the air had been sucked out of the space around me. I knew it was in my head; nothing could make a vampire lose the breath they didn't even technically need; but it shocked me all the same. I hadn't heard from him since waking up and yet I'd spent nearly every moment I wasn't obsessing about blood obsessing about remembering my human life. So much of it had been focused on Brady as his imprint that he was at the forefront of most of those memories.

"Are you keeping me from him?"

"No!" Rosalie said quickly, grabbing my shoulder. "I learned long ago… that I have no place interfering in other people's lives. I… overstepped with Edward once, and I learned the hard way to never do it again," she said, looking pained. "I vowed to myself years ago I wouldn't make that mistake twice."

"Oh," I said softly. "So can I talk to him?"

She looked over at me skeptically. "Do you think you could keep from ripping his head off?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know how I'll react to him."

"Neither do I. Bella wasn't particularly bothered by Jacob's scent when she was only days old… wolves have a scent that is disgusting to our kind. But that's not entirely it," she admitted. "And… a motherly part of me wants to spare you any rejection, I have to admit. You're a vampire now, but you're also a teenage girl that I can't stand to see hurt any more than you already have been. You were his imprint when you were human. I don't know how you'll think of each other now, Lexi. I don't want to see you hurt," she said, narrowing her eyes at me. "Boys can be dumb sometimes."

I didn't disagree with her.

"Think about what you want to do. If you want to talk to him, we'll get you a phone and you can try that first. If things go well, then… we can try to set up a meeting for you two to talk. It's not fair your life was ripped away from you. I don't want to take this away from you too."

I glanced at her, blinking slowly. If I had any doubts Rosalie had my best interests at heart before, I certainly didn't now. Sometimes it was like Rosalie, not Edward, had the gift of mind-reading. She knew exactly what I was going through, or so it seemed. My world had been turned upside down, but at least I had her I could trust. "Thank you, Rosalie."

Thank you to NinkyBaby for beta-ing!

Lexi is mayyyybe going to talk to Brady here shortly. So much to say! What is a girl to do?

Thanks for reading!