I was born in a thunderstorm
I grew up overnight
I played alone
I played on my own
I survived

I wanted everything I never had
Like the love that comes with light

And you're taught to cry in your pillow
But I survived

I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing
I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing
I'm alive

Sia – 'Alive'

Chapter 43: Learning the Ropes

Lexi

Tucking my legs beneath my body, I stared out at the lawn below. I was hidden away in an upstairs hallway of the Cullen house, gazing down at the backyard below. It had been several days ago, but I could remember the view of Emmett as he came stomping out of the woods like it was etched in my mind. I didn't have to be any type of scholar to understand where he'd been. The look on his perfectly chiseled face as he met Rosalie on the lawn said enough.

"What did he say?" she asked in a hushed tone.

Emmett could barely shake his head. "Let's just say he wasn't ready to talk. Selfish bastard," he'd snarled.

Well, I'd been dying to hear it, and there was my answer. I hung my head in shame.

So that was it; I disgusted Brady and there were no two ways about it. He didn't want to talk to me or see me or have anything to do with me. We were as good as done.

Not that I was surprised. What would a wolf want to do with a vampire? How would that even work? Could it? I wasn't sure, but a tiny, hopeful corner of my dead heart had secretly been hoping he would want to at least talk to me to see if we could try. It was no use – Emmett had gone to him on my behalf, and he'd clearly been turned down. That was that then – besides the Cullens, I was now completely alone.

Peering over the rocky ledge, I let my nostrils flare and take in the scent of the deer. I paused, making myself freeze in place to gauge my surroundings. I didn't smell or hear or see anything else; the hairs on the back of my neck were calm. There was no danger around. This animal smelled male judging from the strange, pheromones surrounding him, and the white on his muzzle indicated he was indeed older than the one from earlier. I'd been close to launching myself at the other animal that morning when I'd realized the little animal still had his fawn-like spots. It had been torturous to deny myself a meal, but Rosalie had been pleased. My vampire life had gotten off to such a rocky start. All I wanted to do was do something to make her proud.

With a quiet snarl I launched myself over the rock, feeling my limbs easily soar through the air. I didn't let the animal suffer, a quick snap of his neck and he went limp in my arms. Rosalie appeared at my side, zipping to an effortless halt.

"Now just wait," she coached, holding out her hands. "Hold it like this. Away from your body… there… so you don't get any fur or mud on your clothes. Use this hand to support the body, then tilt it-there!"

I had to drain my kill slower than I would have liked, but when I was finished I realized she was quite right – my clothes were clean for once.

"I did it!" I laughed, wiping my mouth. Barely a drop had gotten on my hand. I grinned at her and she gave me a pleased looking smile.

"You're getting it," she laughed. "So what made you chose this animal for a meal?"

"It's male," I said. "You told me the male population of deer are high in this area. And… the grey on its muzzle. It's older, probably near the end of its life. And it's big."

"Good," she sighed. "You're a fast learner."

"Not really," I snorted, "just hungry. It was hellish to run away from that other one."

"Yes," she agreed sadly, "But he was so young he still had his spots. I hate killing young things before…" she trailed off, her eyebrows knitting into a frown. "Well, you did a good job with that. Now let's bury this one and try it again. You can feed one more time, then we'll head back to the house. We'll come back in three days' time."

I was working so hard on my diet and restraint. It was like studying for the SATs all over again, really. The concentration required to actually be selective about the type of food I killed and where I was while I was hunting. It was a thousand times harder than trigonometry. The Cullens were teaching me to drink my fill and then space out the times where I needed to hunt – it was a type of endurance training that they all practiced and had perfected over the years. They were so restrained in their need to hunt that they only went every other weekend or sometimes even three weeks. She explained that it helped them learn to handle their thirst around humans if they were used to the burning sensation. "You can learn to tame it; almost ignore it. You train your brain to compartmentalize the part of it that strains with thirst and it gets easier and easier to ignore," she'd told me.

I swallowed, the dull ache in my throat not as bad. I couldn't imagine not thinking about my thirst. Sometimes it was all I could concentrate on. How they did it, I wasn't sure.

I just hoped I could someday get there.

My ultimate goal was to someday go home.

I knew Rosalie said it was dangerous and impossible and that I shouldn't dream about it. She said dreaming about the day I would go home would only make it worse when the people around me slowly died off from accidents, disease, old age. I knew it was dangerous to want to go back and see my dad and Patrick one last time, but I couldn't help what my heart wanted. If only I could see them one last time.

"Why so sad?" she asked, nudging me. "You ready to catch up with the others? I'm sure Emmett's found his bear by now," she chuckled. We started walking in the direction of the tall, sloping rock formations near the river bed.

Sighing, I shook my head. I knew bringing up my family again wouldn't help matters, but… with the sting of Brady's rejection still fresh in my mind, I couldn't really help it.

"I miss them. My parents," I explained. "Every day I wonder what they're doing. What they're telling themselves happened to me. What they believe… and what they don't. Does that ever go away?"

"No," she answered softly.

We were quiet for a moment, just walking through the ferns. "I don't believe for a second that they bought that story," I admitted. "Not that I don't appreciate you trying to create a story to protect Brady and prove he was innocent in a way, but I know my dad didn't believe that I just ran away. That I ran away from him, from my brothers, from Patrick… Brady."

"We had to think of something. There wasn't much time, Lexi. It was the best we could come up with. You weren't awake to tell us what they would or wouldn't believe."

"I know," I sighed. "I just wish… I could have said goodbye. Told them that I'm okay, just that… I'm like this now and that I'm okay."

Rosalie stopped short, grabbing my arm. Her golden eyes were wide as she regarded me closely. "Lexi, you can't ever tell them what you are. You can't let them know," she said firmly. "Do you understand? There are others out there… other vampires. They rule our kind and their one rule, their only rule… is that we keep our existence a secret. We can't kill in public, we can't let ourselves be seen in the sunlight, and we can't let them know what we are. "

"Who? Who are they?"

She looked away, her eyes filled with turmoil. "We had… dealings with them. In the past. Twice. Once when Bella decided… to become one of us, and another when Renesmee was born. They didn't take kindly to our family creating a child."

"But she isn't like us, she -"

Rosalie held up her hand, shaking her head. "I know, I know. But they didn't. They wanted proof, they demanded proof. They came here to Forks and terrified us all," she sighed. "They know our family is strong and we have talented friends. We were a threat to them. If they knew that we let humans in on our secret, I can only imagine that would be the excuse they would need to come here again. It would be what they would need to do what they came to do the first time."

"They aren't fans of your family, I take it?"

She shook her head. "No. They call themselves the Volturi," she said, the name seeming bitter on her tongue. "Their leader wanted Alice. And Edward. And probably Bella too. We can't draw attention to our family, Lexi, do you understand? They wanted an excuse to end our family, and I know they still search for it to this day. Letting humans know what we are would risk everything." I must have looked completely crestfallen, she stopped and put her hands on my shoulders. "I know you miss them and love them and… believe me, I know. But you have to promise me that you won't show yourself or contact them in anyway. We'd all be in danger – even Brady."

I met her gaze and nodded solemnly. I didn't want to get anyone in trouble, least of all the Cullens. They'd practically adopted me and kept me from slaying the entire town in a fit of newborn thirst. The last thing I wanted to do was expose them to what sounded like a horrible group of vampires. And as hurt as I was that he'd rejected me, I knew in my heart I didn't want to put Brady in danger either.

"Come on," she urged, nudging my side. "Let's go back home. The UPS man has usually come and gone by now – want to go see what he brought?"

We ran back to the Cullen house, my thoughts running rampant and but my body full of fresh blood. I was so focused on what Rosalie had said about the coven she'd called the Volturi I almost didn't notice Seth. I stiffened with a hiss as we approached the back porch, realizing he was sitting by the back door with Edward. He shifted to stand as I froze on the lawn about twenty feet from him and bit back a hiss of distaste as the aroma of what I can only describe as wet dog filled my nostrils.

"Seth," I managed to grit out between clenched teeth. He gave me a nod with his big, wolfy head and seemed to turn to Edward. I watched Edward turn his head to look at Seth before nodding. "She is, isn't she?"

I frowned, worried Seth had thought something bad about me, as childish as it was. Stupid newborn overreactions, I fumed silently. I'd never been hypersensitive to anything before my change, and I hated that I could let my quick temper and insecurities about what I was get the better of me as a vampire.

Edward turned to me and shook his head. "He said you looked controlled. And I agree. It's not easy to get used to the wolves… and their stench," he said jokingly, giving Seth a mocking glare. Seth simply snorted and seemed to roll his wolfish eyes.

"Thanks," I offered, my voice flat. I met Seth's gaze and briefly wondered if he'd seen Brady lately. Was he okay? Did he miss me? Did he know how sorry I was for everything? I gave him a wave as Rosalie gently pushed me in the direction of the house.

One of the only things that I enjoyed about being a vampire besides the speed and sudden gracefulness was the way I looked in clothes. No wonder the Cullens all had full closets – even the men! Rosalie brought me into the house and wasted no time tearing into the boxes that Emmett had dutifully hauled up front the front porch upon our arrival back at the house.

I stood in front of the full length mirror in her bedroom, admiring the way a simply black dress hung from my firm, slender body. I wouldn't have given the plain frock a second look in the store, but Rosalie knew what she was doing. The dress hugged me in all the right places, emphasizing my waist and giving my breasts a well-needed boost.

Across the room, I heard her squeal in delight as she opened another package and started pulling out stackable bracelets and stylish looking scarves. I changed seven or eight times, pausing each time to twirl in front of the mirror and admire myself. After hours of examining my new body in a mirror, I'd grown somewhat used to my pale skin and the creepy, glowy red eyes. I still jumped sometimes when I passed a mirror and wasn't paying attention, but I was getting used to it… slowly. Even though I hated to admit it, the new clothes helped. I felt more like myself, even if the price tags we clipped off weren't anything like what I'd worn as a human. It felt good to have my own clothes and shoes and jewelry. It felt like a fresh start.

"Turn," she instructed, slipping a chunky necklace around my neck. She grinned and nodded. "Very nice."

Turning in front of the mirror, I let my eyes scan my body up and down. I was still coming to terms with the idea that I would never age again. Honestly, I'd not even gotten to the point in my life where I was worried about looking older – I'd never have a grey hair, a wrinkle, stiff joints. The idea that I would never age another day, at least physically, felt alien. Reality was setting in these past few weeks. I knew I had to accept that I would always look the same and that it would limit the things I could do and the places I could go. I'd been worried that college was out of the question. High school would be terrible to repeat, but at least with college I could learn different things.

The girl in the mirror was still small, but she looked almost… womanly. The properly fitting clothes, higher heels, and well selected accessories made me look much older than the teen I'd been frozen as. That gave me hope – the idea of repeating high school over and over again was more depressing than never being able to have a Coke or a sandwich. I'd nearly died taking Trigonometry the first time – what would I do if I had to take it for eternity?!

"See? You could pass for… twenty two. Maybe twenty three. There are ways to age yourself without drawing too much attention."

"You're right," I sighed. "I guess the way I used to dress wasn't doing me any favors. How did you learn how to do all this?" I asked.

She shrugged, tossing another sweater towards me to try. "Years and years of practice. None of us looked old enough to start high school as much more than juniors, so… we got good at hiding our real ages. We got even better about the fourth time we had to suffer through high school," she sighed, sitting down on the bed. She gracefully crossed her legs and looked at me in the mirror. "Pretty soon, we figured out how to age Carlisle and Esme. Makeup, adding bits of grey to their hair with extensions and things like that. Neither one of them ever looked old enough to not draw attention, so we learned how to cope with it. Even as a vampire, moving to a new city and area of the country can be frightening."

"You think I could pass for college?" I asked. "I don't think I can go back to high school," I muttered, fiddling with the bracelets on my arm. "Too depressing."

"I think you could, yes. But you have to understand; the younger we act when we start over in a new place means the longer we can stay. It's never fun to pack up your life and say goodbye to the routine you've built up," she murmured softly. "People start to ignore you, you blend in as they become used to seeing your face. Humans notice fewer and fewer things after a while."

The topic seemed to make her sad, and I understood why. I needed to change the subject. "What's in that package there?"

Somewhat distracted, she reached for another in the pile of boxes and bags that had been left on the porch. I swallowed the venom that seeped across my tongue at the mere memory of that UPS man. The man you almost murdered for breakfast, the human side of me chided. But he would have tasted so delicious… the vampire side whispered back.

"Lexi?"

"What?" I asked, snapping back to the present. She handed me another sweater to try and gave me an expectant look. I kicked off the boots I was wearing and grabbed another pair of jeans and this time flats before marching into the bathroom. Once inside, I gripped the sides of the sink and tried to push the memory of human blood from my mind. The murderous thoughts that had disgusted me came crashing back into my mind, haunting me. I'd hated myself for them – hated. I'd vowed to never think such things again because they'd disgusted me to the very core and then here I was, blatantly remembering the aroma of his blood. I winced silently. Swallowing the venom made it worse. I winced at the burn and remembered I had another day before I could hunt again. Damn, I thought. Get it together. You can do this. You want to be able to have some semblance of a normal life, Lexi. You can't do that if you're running around thinking about the people you want to rip open, I thought to myself wryly.

Glancing up, I moved to change clothes when I stopped. I froze, staring into the mirror across from me.

Something was different.

The girl in the mirror still had blood red eyes, but my vampire vision zoomed in, focusing on the irises. They were starting to turn ocher. I gasped, leaning in. Sure enough, the tiniest sliver of my eyes had formed a tawny ring around the black centers. It was barely there and easy to miss, but it was there. Rosalie told me that my eyes would eventually turn golden like hers after a steady diet of animal blood, but I'd had no idea it would happen like this. A slow smile started to form on my lips, and I was soon grinning at myself in the mirror.

Sometimes, when I least expected it… I felt like I might somehow survive this new, strange life.

Sliding the paint brush against the edge of the tray, I wiped the excess paint from it and lifted it to the wall. The pale, silvery grey color was the most soothing color I'd ever laid eyes on and seemed like a natural selection for my new room. Painting was a welcomed, mindless distraction from everything. My eyes focused in on the tips of the bristles, so much so that I could see each one as I expertly slid it down the wall next to the window. One nice thing about being a vampire I guess was that everything was so easy – running, jumping, climbing, and typing… anything. I could learn a new skill in minutes, sometimes after just a few tries.

I'd been given the bedroom that had once belonged to Edward, I learned. Years ago, after his wedding, he'd moved into the cottage in the woods with his wife and no longer needed a room in the main house. When the rest of the Cullens went back to the normal rooms they'd had years ago, Edward's room had remained empty. Seth had temporarily moved out, showering at Brady and Embry's house and mainly sleeping outside to be polite to my whacky newborn senses. I paused, the brush stilling against the wall. I needed to thank him for that. He'd been so patient with me, and such a good, decent friend. The Cullens had spent hours re-telling the stories of the Quileute wolves and how they'd had to work to build and then rebuild their relationship with them over the years. Even though I was still me and he was Seth, we weren't taking chances with that relationship. Our two respective sides – shape shifters and vampires – hated one another, or we were supposed to, anyway. He only hung around me in wolf form (he smelled worse that way) and kept his distance as I slowly became used to the smell of having one of them around. At first I thought it was to gauge my reaction to what it would possibly like to see Brady again. After he'd made it clear, however, that he wasn't nothing to do with me, I'd settled on the idea that it was just so I could learn to run through the woods and not want to attack one of them on a whim if they crossed my path.

Yes, Seth had ignored every instinct he probably had and hadn't bitten my head off yet. Standing, I let the paintbrush rest on the top of the tin and carefully brushed off my pants. I hadn't spilled a drop of course, but it was habit.

Walking over to the desk I'd shoved into the middle of the room, I lifted the draping and quickly selected a piece of stationery and a pen. My words were short and to the point, but they needed to be said.

Seth -

I'm sorry you've been 'banished' from your home.

Thank you for being a good friend when I had nowhere else to go.

Sleeping in the woods must suck and I'm sorry for that – I bet you miss your bed :(

I like it here and I am thankful you thought to call the Cullens – they are so kind to me.

Thank you for not attacking me, even when I hissed at you. I didn't mean to hiss - I didn't even know I could hiss!

I appreciate all you have done for me and I hope you are doing well.

Give Regan a hug from me. Even if she doesn't know it's from me… I'll know you did it. I miss her & Claire so much.

They were the best friends I've ever had.

Please check on my dad's if you have time during patrol – I miss them.

Your friend,

Lexi

I set the pen down and sighed. There was so much to say but no good way to really say it, so I guess that note was as good as anything. Digging through my bag, I found a bottle of sweet-smelling perfume and gave the paper a few spritzes so that it wouldn't stink too badly of vampire. I opened the French doors leading outside and leaped to the ground, navigating gracefully over the muddy, moss-covered terrain until I found a tree that smelled faintly of wolf. Folding it up, I tucked it into a frayed piece of bark so that his name was visible.

I hoped he accepted my letter and stayed friends with me – I needed all I could get.

Thank you to NinkyBaby for her beta skills!

A lot is going to happen in the next few chapters - I know it's been a little slow going since Lexi was turned, but a LOT happens in the next few chapters to bear with me. Just sent TWO new ones to be beta'd this week! I am so pumped to share these last 10 or 11 chapters with you. Long time coming!

I also have a little piece I am working on that is a 'check in' with Regan and Seth. Hope you are all willing to revisit those two ; )

Thanks for reading!