This chapter is for the reader who messaged me to ask for an update - you know who you are. Enjoy!
Amelia POV
"You're back! How are you? How are things? Are you feeling any better?" I glance around the room to make sure nobody else is here before looking back to Meredith.
"Yes I'm back. I am fine, as are things. I'm not feeling better per say, but I am coping better so I guess that's a plus."
"And your therapist said you can come back to work?"She questions cautiously, concern evident on her face.
"Yeah. She said routine helps with PTSD, so provided I'm getting enough sleep, she is okay with me coming back."
"So the post traumatic stress got you too, huh? Welcome to the club."
"You have it?"I ask, taken aback by her response.
"Yeah. But I mean, that shouldn't surprise you too much, I'm guessing Arizona has told you stuff. We both struggled with the diagnosis. I'm here if you need to talk, you know that, right?"
"I- yeah. I know. Thank you." I respond, trying to muster up a grateful smile.
"You have PTSD too? Why didn't you tell me?!" I yell as I walk into our apartment. Arizona places her coffee on the kitchen surface and walks toward me.
"Amelia, calm down."
"I've been feeling like a freak, like nobody understood what I was going through… You knew and didn't tell me." I continue. I am so angry, I feel betrayed. Arizona indicates for us to go sit on the couch, so I follow.
"When I was first given the diagnosis, the absolute last thing I wanted was somebody telling me they had it too. It made me feel like my problems were less than, like I was exaggerating everything. I didn't want you to feel like that. I didn't want you to feel like I was minimising your experience."
"That's not how I felt. I was scared, and alone, and it was like I was losing my mind."
"You're not losing your mind, Amelia." Arizona says firmly, wrapping her arms around my body and holding me tightly. I try to pull away to continue arguing but she doesn't let me. "You're not losing your mind and you're definitely not alone."
"You could have told me."I whisper softly into her chest.
"If I knew how you felt, I would have told you. I'm sorry."
"Why don't you talk about it?"
"I guess, it took me a long time to be comfortable being me again. I didn't want to let a shitty thing that happened define my life. You knew I was traumatised and had nightmares. You also knew I went to see a psychologist, you just didn't know the label."
"Was it all linked to the plane crash?"
"Pretty much. And the whole 'cutting off my leg without my permission' thing definitely didn't help."
"How did that even work? Didn't you have to sign consent forms?"I ask curiously, knowing she was awake prior to the amputation, surely she would have had to consent. It's the law.
"I was married and slipping in and out of septic shock. Despite me repeatedly saying no, they claimed I wasn't in my right mind enough to consent so Callie got control. It took me a long time to accept that and made the right choice, but it didn't make it any easier."She explains. I can't begin to imagine how betrayed she must've felt. I know what it's like to not be in control, and although it's for different reasons, I hate to think of her suffering the way I had.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"You don't have to apologise. I should have told you."
"No. No. You have the right to keep stuff to yourself. You don't owe me anything. It's just me being crazy."
"It's not crazy. I understand where you're coming from. I just, I know talking helps you, but I've worked through my issues and I just don't feel the need to talk about it anymore. It doesn't help me so I just, I just don't."Arizona tells me, placing a kiss on the top of my head and taking a shaky breath before continuing. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about me, I know I should have and-" Arizona begins again, but we are interrupted by a knock on the door. I get up from the couch, wiping the remaining tears from my eyes before opening the door.
"Mom? What the… What are you doing here?"I wrap my arms around my body, feeling vulnerable being seen like this by my mother. I know the tear tracks on my face must still be evident, but she doesn't appear to notice.
"I wanted to see you, and meet Arizona and Sofia. Are you going to invite me in or are we just going to continue talking from here?"
"Sorry. You caught us at a bad time. Its fine, come in." I tell her, stepping back to create space. "Arizona, my Mom is here." I shout through the apartment.
"You want a drink? Coffee?"
"That would be nice."
I head through to the kitchen to boil the kettle, my mother stays by my side. I can't bring myself to make eye contact. Of course she would turn up when Arizona and I were in the middle of a fight, and without even calling ahead. It's typical.
"So, how long have you been living here?"
"Over a year. Probably about 15 months about now." I pour the coffee, adding a teaspoon of sugar and a splash of milk before passing it to her.
"You remember how I like it?"
"I mean, I made your morning coffee every day since I was 9. It's not that difficult to remember. Come through, Arizona is in here."
"Az, this is my Mom, Mom this is Arizona." I look at Arizona, she smiles at me but it's a nervous smile.
"Mrs Shepherd, it's nice to meet you."
"It's Carolyn, Mrs Shepherd makes me feel old. And it's nice to meet you too. Where's the little one?"
"At Meredith's. Sofia and Zola are best friends." I explain, walking to sit by my girlfriend's side. "So, why the ambush?"
"Amy, play nice. It's fine." Arizona states simply, pulling my hand into hers and squeezing lightly, letting me know she is here.
"I wanted to meet your family."
"You couldn't have called first?"I ask bluntly, annoyed at her lack of thought.
"I could have, but then you would have told me you're busy."
"Okay. Why now?"
"I needed a break from your sisters."
"Well that I can understand. What's the problem this time? Is Nancy stealing Lizzies perfume again? Or is Kathleen psychoanalysing everybody in the family?" I can feel Arizona eyes glaring at me, non verbally telling me to calm down so I sit back a little and try my hardest to relax.
"Lizzie and her kids are between places so they have been staying with me. Don't get me wrong, I love them but the house is chaos."
"Yeah, well there was a reason I moved all the way across the country."
"I know you and your sisters never got along." My mom states. Her tone indicates that I should be impressed by her ability to notice such a thing, but in reality it had been clear throughout my entire childhood. I would have been more concerned if she hadn't noticed. I decide not to bring that up, instead choosing to be civil and continue the conversation.
"It's fine. I didn't need them. I had Derek."
"Speaking of Derek, do you think I could come with you when you pick up Sofia? I would love to see the kids."
"Ellis will be in bed already and Bailey doesn't do well with evening visitors. After 6, he doesn't deal well with change. Anyways, we aren't picking her up, Meredith is dropping her off. I could talk to Meredith though, see if she would mind you seeing them tomorrow." I offer.
"You sound like a parent. I always thought you would be a good Mom. You still would be if you decide to."I take a deep breath, trying to figure out a way to respond to that but by the time I think of anything, Arizona is responding.
"Amelia already is a Mom, she has Sofia. And she's an excellent aunt to Zola, Bailey and Ellis."She states bluntly, her annoyance evident in her tone.
"I know, I didn't mean that, I just meant that she is good with babies. She was the only one of the girls to ever enjoy playing with dolls."
"Maybe I played with dolls because I was the youngest, and didn't have a real baby to play with."I suggest with sarcasm and irritation dripping from my words.
"Fair point, but still. Have you looked into options of having any more kids?"She pushed further and I snap.
"Mom, just stop. Just because you wanted to have a tonne of kids, it doesn't mean that I do. I am happy as I am."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought this up. I shouldn't have come."She stands to gather her stuff and I huff a little, seeing her blatant manipulation tactics.
"Mom, that's not what I mean. I want you to be a part of my life, of Sofia's life, I just would have appreciated a little notice. Or at least a conversation before you booked your flights so we could arrange a time that worked for both of us."I try to explain, not wanting to deal with the mess that is my mother when she is angry.
"So you're saying if I called ahead you wouldn't have told me it wasn't a good time."She asks and I pull my hands into fists trying to remain calm and control my emotions.
"No, I would have. This week really isn't a good time. But I would have said maybe next week, or the week after."
"What's so bad about now? I know you have a job, but I'm willing to work around you. Plus, I saw your work schedule in the kitchen and you're both off tomorrow."
"Yeah. We are. But we have plans."My voice is shaky now. I need her to stop asking questions. Arizona clearly notices my discomfort as she squeezes my hand tighter.
"What sort of plans? I could come too"
"Tomorrow would have been my son's birthday. My plans include grieving and crying and trying to pull myself enough together to have a smile on my face by the time Sofia gets home from school." I snap, shuddering as I realise what I had just admitted.
"What in god's name are you talking about?"
"I can't do this right now, I'm sorry." I stammer, shaking my head and heading towards our bedroom.
"Amelia wait a second." I hear Arizona call after me.
"I just need a few minutes."
Arizona pov
"Sorry, I'm just going to go, I didn't mean to cause any issues."Carolyn explains. I can see her hands quiver in the same way Amelia's do when she is on the verge of a panic attack.
"No. Stay. It's fine."
"I really don't think Amelia wants me here. I shouldn't have come."
"Respectfully, Amelia is having a hard time right now, so yeah, maybe you should have called ahead, but you're here now. I'm going to go see if she is okay, but then you guys need to talk. She deserves that much."I tell her honestly. I want Amelia and her Mom to have a relationship, but from what I've seen today, the things Amelia has told me begin to make sense.
"Her baby, what happened?"Carolyn asks and I shake my head in response.
"That is up to her to tell you, not me. I'm going to go see if she will come back."
"Amelia, you okay?"
"I shouldn't have told her. I'm on edge and it just came out and I just argsh-"
"Woah, woah, take a breath. You're okay."instruct, slowing my breathing for her to copy.
"Dealing with her tonight is one thing, but I don't think I could deal with her tomorrow, I really don't. You remember how bad I was last year."
"Then we tell her that. We can arrange for her to see Derek's kids tomorrow instead."
"Okay. You're right. I can do this."
"Yeah you can. And I'll be right by your side for as long as you need."I tell her truthfully. I do not plan on letting her do this alone, not after what had just happened.
"Thank you."
When we walk back into the living room, Amelia's grip on my hand tightens significantly as we make our way to the couch.
"You wanted to talk, so let's talk."
"Do you think we could talk in private?" Amelia's mother asks, looking to me and then back to her daughter.
"Arizona is staying. Non-negotiable."
"Oh. Okay." She seems shocked at Amelia's ability to say no to her, but remains quiet on the topic.
"So, what do you want to know?"
"Your son, what happened?"
"He had a genetic abnormality, his brain didn't develop."
"When? Why didn't you tell me?"
"When I lived in LA, and because you lost all right to know anything when you refused to answer my calls. I wanted you to be there, I told you I was going through a hard time and you told me you were too busy so I moved on."Amelia states bluntly.
"I thought you were just going through a breakup or something?! You never gave me any more information."
"You never asked."
"Were you alone? Was the father at least there?"I shake my head at the question. Is she really so clueless? Can she not tell how much Amelia is hurting? Why she continues to ask questions is beyond me.
"The father was my fiancé, and no he wasn't there. He died before I even realised I was pregnant. But I wasn't alone. I had Addison and my friends, I tried to push them away but they never left. Not once."
"I should have been there. You should have had your family there."
"Addison is my family. She may not be yours, but she is mine." Amelia is firm. I can hear what she really means, that Addison is more family to her than her own Mother.
"After what she did to your brother? What she put him and Mark through?"
"You don't get to do that. Mark was just as responsible as Addison for what happened between them. And yeah, she made a mistake, but that doesn't make her a bad person. She has always been there for me when no one else was."
"Only because you didn't tell us. We would have been there."
"Don't act like this is a new thing. This has been going on since I was a kid, when you were there. Derek looked after me, not you. Addison was always there for me. She is my sister."
"I'm sorry. This is just a lot to take in. Were you ever going to tell me?"
"I don't know. Probably not." Amelia shrugs, looking down at her feet.
"Did Derek know? Do your sisters know?"
"Derek knew about my fiance, not my baby. And by sisters I'm presuming you mean Kathleen, Lizzie and Nancy, and no, they don't know anything. I consider Meredith a sister though, and she knows."
"Your sisters deserve to know, Amelia. They're family."
"No, they don't. They forfeited the right to know anything about me a long time ago."
"Here." I tell Amelia, passing her the box of tissues that were on the coffee table. She is running her right hand up and down her left arm, a sign I have come to realise means she is having cravings.
"Where is he buried?"
"He isn't. There wasn't much left to be burried so I had him cremated."
"What do you mean there wasn't much left?"
"His kidneys are in San Diego and Boston, his liver saved the life of a girl in Sacramento, his heart and lungs are in a girl called Lulu who needed a multiple organ transplant, his corneas are the reason a boy in Detroit who was born blind can now see. His skin has gone to burn victims and his bone marrow to cancer patients. He may not be with me, but he's out there in other kids."
"Oh good lord, Amelia. What did you do?"
"No. You don't get to do that. I know you don't agree with organ donation, but this was my decision. He saved lives. Other people's babies are alive so those parents didn't have to go through what I did. I made the right choice."
Amelia POV
"Look, if you want to meet Sofia tonight, that's fine. I can try to arrange with Meredith for you to see Derek's kids tomorrow, but uh, I can't be there. I need tomorrow to myself. Maybe we could arrange something to do with all of the kids on Saturday? I don't start work until 2 so we could take them to the park or something."
"Are you sure there is nothing I can do for you?"
"The best thing you can do for me tomorrow is leave me alone. Having a plan for things like this keeps me sober, and my sobriety isn't something I'm willing to risk. Do you have a hotel booked or do you need me to organise that for you?"
"I have a room booked, you don't need to be worrying about that, about me, right now." I offer a small nod, an acknowledgement of her statement but remain quiet. "When will Sofia be home?"
"Any time now." I respond after checking my phone for the time.
"Does she know? About your baby?"
"She knows most things about me, so yes, she knows. She told me once she thinks of him like a brother, since I'm like another mom, that makes them siblings."
"She calls you Mom?"
"No, Arizona is her Mom and Callie is her Mama. She calls me Amy, because its a name only her and Arizona use and I was more than just Amelia to her." I attempt to explain, unsure if I had gotten my point across when Sofia comes running in through the front door.
"Amy I got an A on my German test, the one you helped me practice for, look!" She exclaims, putting a piece of paper into my hands. "My teacher said that's the best work I have ever done in that class!"
"That's amazing, kiddo. High five!" I insist in response, holding up my hand for her to jump and hit. When she lands, she falls into my body and I pull in for a hug. "I'm so proud of you, Sof. You worked so hard for that grade." I place a kiss on the girl's head before spinning her around. "Sof baby, this is my Mom. Can you say hi?" I ask, and Sofia looks up, only now realising there is another adult in the apartment.
"Hi Amy's Mom." She says with a small smile. "You didn't tell me your mom was coming." She continues, directing her second statement at me.
"It was a last minute plan." I state simply.
"That was my fault, I should have given you a little more notice, but I really wanted to meet your dau- you Sofia."
"You can say daughter, it's what we say, right Amy?" Sofia responds, laughing at my mother for stumbling over her words.
"Yup. You're all mine." my hands reach for her sides, tickling her until she begs to stop through her laughter.
"No no, you have to share me with Mom and Mama."
"She has a point, Amelia." Arizona steps in, pulling her daughter into her arms.
"Did you have fun with Zola?"
"Yeah, we taught Bailey to play go fish. Oh, and she said I had to ask Amy something about the limbic something but I forgot the question so she will have to ask herself." She rambles, scrunching her face up when she realises she can't remember her friend's question.
We continue to make small talk, mostly about Sofia to allow my Mom to get to know her a little better when Sofia interrupts and looks to my Mom.
"Did my dad really put Derek's pet frog in the microwave? Like why did he do that?"
"If I remember correctly, that was because of Amelia."
"What? Really?"
"Why?"
Sofia and I respond at the same time.
"You wanted Derek to help you with something. I can't remember what, but he didn't want to, so Mark put the frog in the microwave to force him help you before they could do whatever Derek wanted." My mom finishes and I smile.
"I never knew that, but it does sound like your Dad."
"I still don't think he should have put it in the microwave, but at least he never pressed start." the young girl responds with a grin.
"I completely agree. And for a few weeks after that event, we had a sign on the microwave that said 'no frogs' just to make sure that it didn't happen again"
"I remember Nancy cut up one of my books to get a picture of a frog to make that sign. I was so mad."
"I didn't know that."
"Derek bought me a new copy the next day because I was so mad."
"I think Derek sounds like a good brother."
"He was. He was the best."