Even though it hurts, even though it scars
Love me when it storms, love me when I fall
Every time it breaks, every time it's torn
Love me like I'm not made of stone
Love me hard until it heats
Will you love my scars so I can heal
Love me like I'm not made of stone
Lykke Li – Love Me Like I'm Not Made of Stone
Chapter 44: A Half-finished Life
Lexi
The days passed in a blur.
After writing that letter to Seth, I began to fantasize about what I would do or say if I went back home again. I caught myself doing it more and more as the cold, lonely days passed.
I imagined the way it would feel to see Patrick again and have him spoil me with his cooking, or have my dad hug me. In the mental picture, they welcomed me with open arms and told me how much they'd missed me. I imagined we'd Skype with my little brothers and I'd promised them I'd come to California to visit them and mom sometime soon. Then Dad and Patrick and I would hang out on the couch and talk and laugh like we used to while watching bad 80's movies.
Bowing my head, I bit back a silent cry. I cried tearlessly because I knew that wasn't how it would happen.
In my mind, I imagined them opening the door, the pictures of shock etched on their features at seeing their daughter again. They would reach to hug me, but the eyes would make them pause. My dad would shrug it off and welcome me back inside, taking me in his arms for a tight hug. My stony body would betray me, if I even made it that close to him without sinking my teeth into the artery in his neck. If I somehow - through some miracle - avoided slaughtering them both in a bloodthirsty haze, they would realize something about me wasn't quite right. They would see the pallor of my skin and realize that I could no longer move and shift and fidget the way I used to. Nor would I be able to eat or drink anything they offered me. That would raise questions – questions I wasn't allowed to answer without putting the Cullens in danger.
No matter how badly I wanted to see my family again, the rational side of me knew I couldn't do that to the Cullens. They'd dropped everything to come and rescue me – a stranger – in my moment of need, and they'd been nothing but kind and generous to me. Not even that, really – their charity knew no limits. They'd invited me into their home, spent thousands of dollars clothing me, and oh, there was that whole making sure I didn't turn into a human-slaughtering heathen.
I remembered the look on Rosalie's face when she'd told me about the consequences of telling humans what we were. I didn't know details about what she'd called the Voluturi, but I knew that not much intimidated Rosalie. When she'd spoken of them, her voice and eyes and face had all registered an intense fear that I knew I couldn't even begin to understand. No, I couldn't risk that. Not after everything they'd done for me.
Bringing back the mental image of my parents and siblings, I held onto it in the front of my mind for another minute. I could still see the last family portrait we'd had done the summer before my parents divorced. We'd done one of those cheesy portrait sessions on the beach all wearing white. Even though the divorce had been ugly, my dad still had it hanging in his bedroom above the nightstand.
The dream slipped away, hopeless. Wiping my eyes, I winced again. When would I ever remember that I would never shed a single tear again? It was a tough to break your human habits, even when you weren't one anymore. My heart wouldn't beat, my skin wouldn't age, I wouldn't blush, and I would never be able to feel a tear sliding down my cheek. It wasn't fair. I only wanted to be with them one last time, say my goodbyes, and let them know this wasn't their doing. I wasn't an unhappy teen that ran away for no reason. They had to know I wouldn't just abandon my life like that.
I couldn't abandon my half-finished life.
Before I could think or contemplate the consequences, I was on my feet. Pulling on some boots and a light leather jacket, I paused and looked at myself in the mirror. A stone-white beauty with red eyes stared lifelessly back at me. She was stunning, but alien looking and not at all the daughter they would know. That should have stopped me, but it didn't. I didn't care – I didn't want to think or hurt anymore.
Slipping out the door of Edward's old room, I silently hit the ground and took off in the direction of my home without hesitation. It was strange, really – I had no idea how to get there besides using the main roads, or at least I wouldn't have known before I became what I was. My inner compass steered me west, effortlessly tracking my way through the forest toward my house. It was dark out, so I didn't consider the idea that running through the woods so close to people was potentially hazardous. I just didn't care anymore – I wanted, no, needed to see my family again.
I flew through the woods, my feet feeling as if they were barely touching the ground. The scenery around me was a mossy, half frozen blur as I ran in the direction of home.
Home, I thought. A warm feeling temporarily flooded my dead heart at the word, and before I knew it, I was standing on the edge of the property. The sprawling lawn was at least two hundred yards from the tree line, but that was nothing to my vampire senses. The sight of the beautiful house I'd learned to call home since arriving in Forks drew me like a beacon, but I fought to stay in the safe cover of the trees. It was dusk, so I still had to be careful. If I was seen, there would be no explaining my changed appearance without risking their safety.
I wouldn't put my dad and Patrick in danger, that much I knew.
Reaching out, I gripped the closest sapling, my fingers easily winding around the wood. A flick of my wrist would uproot the tiny tree and split it into a thousand splinters, but just the feeling of holding onto something helped me stay in my place in the safe cover of the trees. My eyes scanned the house for any sign of life. The short winter day was drawing to a close, and I knew my father would be home from work soon. Closing my eyes, I focused on the sounds coming from inside.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
They flashed open, my grip on the sapling tightening. Someone was inside. A human.
Patrick, my human side hissed to the monster. Not just a human full of blood, Patrick! I screamed at myself internally. How easy it was for the monster to come forward and try to elbow its way to the front of my mind with its murderous thoughts and urges. Shoving them aside, I remembered the way Patrick would smile at me after a long day at school, ruffling my hair as I tossed my backpack on the counter. He'd ask me about homework and coax me into starting it early with promises of something tasty to snack on while I worked with him at the kitchen counter. He was easy to love, I realized. As much as the memory of my family breaking up hurt, I quickly understood why my father had fallen in love with Patrick so easily. His smile, his kind heart, and his endearing way of listening to every word a person said made him easy to love. His kindness was something I fought to remember every day of my new life.
A light came on in the kitchen, snapping me out of my reverie. A flood of emotion washed over me as Patrick stood in the warm light of the kitchen, his head bent over the counter as he read something. I could hear his heart beating in his chest, the steady rhythm slow and melodic. He shuffled the pile of paper, tapping the edges of the stack to even it out. He checked his phone and sighed, ambling over to the refrigerator. Tilting my head, I watched with curiosity as he seemed to pace around the kitchen with no clear direction. His movements were stilted and listless as he moved, like he'd walked in there and simply forgotten why. He looked like he had no purpose. Funny, that's how I felt most of the time these days. What was he thinking about?
A car coming up the winding driveway caught my attention. Instantly, my hand went over my mouth and nose as I stopped breathing. I'd fed copiously that morning, but that was no guarantee for a newborn vampire, that much I knew. I held my hand firmly, knowing full well that if I'd still been human my pulse would have been thundering with nervous anxiety.
The car wound up the drive and into the elegant carriage house Brady had built for them last year. I felt a pang in my dead heart at the thought of his name, but pushed it down. Tonight wasn't about missing him, tonight was about a different kind of longing.
This was about missing my home and my family.
It felt oddly uncomfortable to cut off my sense of smell, but fearing for my loved ones, I refused to scent the air as my father rushed from the side door of the garage and up the short brick walk, his breath making puffs of white in the frosty air. Funny, I hadn't even realized it was still that cold out. I gripped the sapling as he hurried indoors and was greeted in the kitchen by Patrick. I leaned from my spot, craning my neck to watch them through the kitchen windows. I heard my father sigh heavily.
"Tough day?"
I gulped at the sound of my dad's voice. I may as well have been standing in the next room, I could hear their conversation with such clarity. He sounded… worn.
"They all are," Patrick answered. He shuffled the papers on the counter, causing my dad to glance in their direction as he shrugged out of his coat.
"What's that?"
"I just keep thinking-"
"-Stop," my father cut him off, waving his hand. "I can't do that anymore. I think all night, I think about it on my drive to work, and it consumes my every thought when I'm there. Let's just… have a normal night, okay? Or at least… try."
Patrick nodded, his face pained. Defeat flashed over his face like he was done trying, but then something made him speak again.
"I try all day, Ian. She's not even my kid, and this… this isn't getting any easier. Maybe we should talk to someone…"
"I tried that. Nothing…" My father gulped painfully, shaking his head. "It didn't help."
"I can't give up," Patrick murmured. "She wasn't mine, but half of her was made of the man I love. She was the closest thing to a real daughter I'll ever have. I know this hurts you, but I can't… I can't give up on her just yet. I can't give up on the idea that she'll just… pop up to the door one day, all blonde hair and Converse sneakers, Ian."
My father was quiet for a moment, leaning on the kitchen counter as if it was a lifeline. His face was pale and drawn, devoid of any trace of emotion.
"I keep waiting to wake up too, Patrick. I keep waiting for this nightmare to be over, but it just… never ends."
One part of my mind remained focused on their conversation as the other realized I'd been followed. Glancing over my shoulder, I heard the unmistakable sound of vampire footsteps drawing closer. I hissed quietly, gripping the bark. It creaked in protest, but didn't snap. I was in trouble. I shouldn't have come, but I couldn't help it.
Edward was the first one I saw, his amber eyes wild as he slid to a perfect halt just feet from me. Rosalie followed, with Emmett on her heels.
"I won't hurt them!" I gasped quietly, shaking my head determinedly. "I won't. I just had to come to…"
"Lexi!" Rosalie exclaimed, grasping my shoulders. "Don't breathe!"
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I… I wouldn't…" my voice broke pitifully in the cold air, my chest tightening slightly. I had spent the breath I'd been holding. I couldn't cry, but my body still tried. It mourned the release that therapeutic tears could bring. I took a short breath of air and felt the roaring burn from being so close to humans, but I couldn't even entertain the idea. These were my parents.
"This isn't wise," Edward muttered, shifting uneasily. His eyes shifted between me and the house as he scanned the situation with his gifts.
I'm fine, I promised him in my head. I just needed to come here to see them. I had to see them one more time and make sure they were okay. It was selfish to run away like that and really, really stupid, I know that Edward. But I'm afraid and I'm sad and nothing makes the pain stop. I just wanted to see them again before it's too late."
He regarded me carefully as I stood, still gripping the tree. Emmett was on one side of me, Rosalie the other. She rubbed comforting circles on my back as I turned my attention back to the house.
"I made these today. I know you'll say it's pointless, but-"
Patrick picked up the papers he'd been shuffling, and I realized they weren't just papers – they were flyers. Standing on my tiptoes, I strained slightly to see what was printed on them. If my heart wasn't dead already, then it would have been in the next second.
There on the bright yellow paper was my picture. My happy, smiling, human picture. Above it were the painful words have you seen this girl? On the bottom, my eyes briefly caught the word 'MISSING' typed in big, bold letters.
I swallowed hard, lowering myself down off the balls of my feet. I'd seen enough.
"I don't think it's pointless, Pat. You'd do anything to get her back, and so would I. Let's… let's go hang them."
I'd been so wrapped up in my pain that I didn't process their words until it was too late. The side door of the kitchen opened and the scent of human blood permeated the breezy winter air in no time. It happened quickly after that.
A growl from Emmett, a muttered expletive from Edward, and a soft yelp from Rosalie as she dove in front of me like a shield. The scent on the air had instantly sent my traitorous body into overdrive as venom flooded my mouth and my eyes faded to pitch black. I bared my teeth in the direction of the smell, and a part of my mind registered that whatever it was in the air promised to be a thousand times more satisfying than any delivery driver's blood. A hiss sounded from my throat, sounding the alarm that my vampire side was about to do something utterly regrettable. Emmett's hands were around my arms like vice grips, instantly holding me in place. I'd lost some of my newborn strength, but I still heard his teeth grind together with the effort it took to hold me behind the line of trees.
They could contain me for a short time, but that was all. I was a new born vampire – if I wanted a meal, I could take it. It would be so easy, so effortless.
"Lexi, you have to stop! You can't kill them!"
"I'm not sure how much longer I can hold her!"
The two humans shuffled around the driveway, their hearts beating almost in sync with each other as they made a snail-like pace to the car.
"Not humans, Lexi-" I heard Edward in my ear, "Patrick and your father. You're frothing at the mouth over your parents."
So sorry for the delay! Summer was beautiful here and I honestly spent every evening in my garden, walking outside, with friends, etc...I took some time off from all of it but now that it's slowing down and fall is upon us, I plan to write a little more. Updates will still be slow because, well, life, but I full intend to finish this fic. Not putting this much work into it and abandoning it, that's for sure!
Thank you to NinkyBaby for sticking with me and for her beta work!
Hope you still enjoy the fic! Thanks for reading. *MUAH*