So I suddenly ran into some motivation while I was supposed to be writing an essay today. Productive procrastination... What can you do? Anyways, enjoy :)
Amelia POV
Arizona made me promise to wake her when I wake up. I know that this is her attempt to look out for me, that she is worried about me, but I need some time for myself today. It is Christopher's birthday, the day he died, and this day has always been hard for me. Although Arizona usually helps me through the hard days, she does so by helping to reduce my negative feelings and helping to slow my racing thoughts and I don't want to feel better, not right now, not today.
Today is the one day of the year that I let grief encompass both my body and mind. The memories I have of my son are some of the worst memories it is possible to have, but they're the only memories of Christopher that I've got, so they're special. His life was short, but for every moment he lived, I loved him with my whole heart. He grasped my finger with his tiny hands, and although I logically understand that grasping is a natural reflex for which the cerebral hemispheres are not necessary, he held on, and for a few moments I felt as though he loved me too, that he trusted me to do the right thing. He trusted me with his life.
I consider waking my girlfriend like she had asked, but ultimately decide I need a little time alone with my thoughts. I need some time to remember my son, think about him in a way that Arizona could not possibly imagine. I need half an hour to myself and then I will reconsider waking her, giving us a little time to talk before Sofia wakes up and needs to get ready for school.
"Mom, I have a stomach ache." Sofia says softly as she is eating her cereal.
"You do look a little pale, are you due on your period?" Arizona responds, looking up from packing Sofia's lunch.
"In a bit less than a week."
"Hmm, it might just be coming a little early. Do you think you're well enough for school?"
"Yeah. I have a Math test today that I can't miss." Sofia insists
"Okay, well you know we are just a phone call away if you need anything, right?" I offer.
"Yeah. But today is yours and Mom's day, that's why I'm going to Zola's house after school." Sofia justifies, turning her attention to me.
"Sofia, I know it's our day, but you're more important. Look at me, if you're sick it's our job to look after you, that's what parents do. If you need to stay home we will make it work." I tell our daughter, as she leans into my side, wrapping her arms around my waist. I place my hand on her forehead to check her temperature. "You're a little warm, but it doesn't feel dangerously high. Are you sure you want to go to school today?"
"Yeah. I'll just call if I need to come home. Math is first period anyway."
"You're stubborn kiddo, you definitely got that from your father."
"And Mom. I had to have learnt it somewhere, it's not all about genes Amy. It's like you said about Mom's headaches, they have a gene and a trigger." Sofia expresses lightly and from her tone alone, I can sense her rolling her eyes at my simplification of the science.
"I'm impressed you remembered that, it was ages ago."
"I remember. It was the day we decided I should call you Amy."
I tell Arizona to take Sofia to school without me. It just gives me a little more time to process things. It's strange suddenly having somebody who is willing to support you on the tough days. It's even more strange that I let her be there for me, but it is worth it. That being said, it's different to what I'm used to, and it can be difficult to completely change and readjust my coping mechanisms to account for this. I'm so used to being on my own that despite having Arizona help me, it's sometimes just easier to be alone. There are no surprises, and avoiding surprises helps me stay sober.
I decide to shower. Even though I don't plan on leaving the house today, I'm hoping that it will at least make me feel a little better, help my body feel more respectable, and a little bit more alive. I lock the door behind me despite being the only one in the apartment. My first thought with the door closed goes to my blade. It has been ten weeks since I last cut, and yes, I have considered it within those ten weeks but I was always able to override the thoughts, they were just thoughts. Now, it's more than that. I am craving the feeling of the blade against my skin. I need the relief that it would bring. I think about it, opening the cupboard and looking at the yellow box staring back at me. My hands are shaking as I hold the cabinet door. I reach up for the box, but I stop myself just inches away and withdraw my hand. This isn't what I want.
I close the cabinet and begin running the shower. I turn the temperature up knowing that the slight burn of hot water on my skin will reduce the cravings a little while doing less long term damage. After only a minute of being in the shower I hear the front door open and close. Arizona must be home so I hurry up, quickly washing my hair before getting out of the shower. My skin is pink because of the heat, but I know that will fade if I give it a few minutes. I rub my hair dry and wrap it in a towel before getting dressed and going to join my girlfriend.
"Hey, you okay?" Arizona asks as I step into the bedroom. I walk towards the drawer that holds the hair brush and hairdryer, getting them out and placing them on the dresser before turning to my girlfriend.
"I will be." I state simply with a small smile. Arizona moves toward me, picking up the hair brush and telling me to sit down. She takes the towel from my head and begins to brush my hair. She knows I like to have my hair done, that it helps me to relax, so I don't argue. In fact, I'm appreciative that she decided to do my hair rather than ask questions that require me to talk. I tuck my legs up onto the chair and close my eyes, trying to focus solely on the feeling of Arizona's hands combing through my hair, the warmth of the hairdryer on my scalp. It is calming to me.
I feel so grateful to have somebody as selfless and caring as Arizona in my life. I love how much she is willing to do for me, just to make me feel a little better. I can't believe I went through so much of my life not realising this kind of bond was possible, not fully understanding the depth of the concept of 'love'. I have felt love towards several people at various times throughout my life, and although it felt good in the moment, it has nothing on what I feel for Arizona. With Arizona it feels like I have a part of my heart constantly living outside my body, that her joys are my joys and her pain is my pain. For a moment I consider if she feels the same way, if when she sees me hurting like I am today and she feels the hurt too. Is she in pain just being here with me?
Almost as though she can see me spiralling, she turns off the hair dryer.
"Amelia, you okay?" She asks me, placing a hand gently on my shoulder. I turn around and look at her, wiping my eyes to prevent the building tears from falling.
"I love you so, so much, Arizona." I whisper, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her in tightly. After a moment Arizona returns the gesture, holding on to me almost as tightly as I was her. She is stroking her hand up and down my back as a means to comfort me, but she doesn't let go.
"Do you want to move this hug to the bed? It might be more comfortable."
"Yeah, sorry."
"You don't have to apologise, I'm enjoying it too and I want it to go on a little longer. And I love you too by the way, I didn't respond earlier."
"I know, you didn't have to respond because I know." I state simply. Though I do not understand why, Arizona loves me and she makes sure I know she loves me every day of her life.
"Do you have any plans today?" My girlfriend asks into our embrace. She doesn't move or pull away, she simply keeps holding me while awaiting my response.
"I want to go to a meeting but that's about it. I just need time, y'know, just to think about him."
"That is understandable. Just let me know if I can do anything to help, okay?"
"I will. Thank you."
We have been laid in bed for approximately an hour when Arizona's phone starts to ring. "Alex, it's my day off. I can't, we are busy. Shit. Yeah, that's bad"
"Go. It's okay." I tell Arizona, understanding that she is needed at the hospital. "I'll be okay, I promise."
"Yeah, be there in 30." She tells Alex, putting her phone down. "I'm sorry, Amelia. Alex is stuck in surgery and a donor lung became available so they need somebody from paeds to oversee the transplant."
"It's okay, I was honestly trying to think of a nice way to be left alone for a bit. It's fine, seriously. Why don't I drop you off at the hospital on the way to my meeting?"
"That would be great if you're sure that's okay."
"Seriously, it's fine. Plus Meredith doesn't have any scheduled surgeries today so I'm sure she'd be around if I need anything."
"I thought Mer was at work today?"
"Technically yes, but she's in the labs trying to figure out a way to do some new variation of liver transplant, she won't tell me much until she is sure it's going to work."
"Sounds like she is working on another Catherine fox award worthy project. It sounds interesting."
"Yeah. It does. Come on, you need to go to work, we should get up."
We both grab an apple to eat on the way to the out as neither of us have really eaten this morning. When we arrive at the hospital, Arizona asks me for a final time if I'm sure that I'll be okay and I nod my head.
"I'm going to a meeting and then I'll go home and draw or watch a movie or something. Go save a kid's life."
"Okay. I love you. Call me if you need anything."
"I will." I reassure her, offering a final small smile as she walks toward the hospital entrance.
I decide to park up at the hospital as my meeting is only over the road and due to being staff I have free parking here. I'm a little early, so I help set out the chairs. It's a common practice at AA/NA meetings. We all know how they're set out and everything runs a little smoother if the people who are there early set up. It allows the meeting to start on time. The meeting I've chosen is one that is usually quiet due to it being during standard work hours. I recognise most of the faces here but there are also a couple of newcomers, or at least people I haven't seen before.
I make the decision to share today. I contemplated just sitting and listening but I, and most people who have ever been to a meeting know the first step in staying sober is honesty, with yourself and others. I tell the group about my cravings. I tell them how I want so much to do drugs, but also drugs are the reason I ended up pregnant in the first place so I can't afford a repeat. I'm happy. I have a good life, I have a family and a support system but they don't know what it's like to have lost a child, and they don't understand how much the pain makes me crave drugs. They could never understand that, and I don't want them to.
By the time the meeting is finished, I feel a little lighter. The weight on my shoulders has been lifted just a little and the cravings, while still evident, aren't as bad. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I reach for the device, expecting to see Arizona's name but instead see the incoming call is from Sofia school.
"Ms Shepherd"
"Yes, speaking."
"We have attempted to contact Sofia's mother but we were unable to get through. Sofia has just vomited and is complaining of stomach pains, we were hoping you'd be able to come pick her up, maybe take her to see a doctor."
"I can be there in about 10 minutes, do I just come to the main office?"
"Yes, I'll send Sofia up and let them know you're on your way. See you soon."
I drive to Sofia's school as quickly as safely possible, grabbing my bag and walking straight to the main entrance.
"Hi, I'm here to collect Sofia Torres, they called and said she was sick."
"And you are?"
"Dr Amelia Shepherd"
"Relationship to the child?"
"It's uh, complicated. I'm dating her mom and living with them, coparenting Sofia. I should be on the pickup list."
"Ah yes, I see you. Come with me." the receptionist instructs, buzzing me into the school and to the nurses office where Sofia is sitting on the examination bed with her hands clutching her stomach. She looks pale and clammy.
"Amy it hurts" she says, looking up so her eyes meet mine.
"Okay sweet girl. Can you lay back for me?" I ask, spinning her round to lay back on the bed. I see her wince as she lays down, but she does as I ask. I put my hand on her forehead and can immediately tell she is burning up. Her temperature must be at least 102F (39C). I follow my hunch and move to press lightly around her abdomen and then to the right side where she yelps and begins to cry again. "I'm sorry Sof, I didn't mean to hurt you, I just had to check. I'm pretty sure this is a bad case of appendicitis and I need to take you to the hospital before it can get worse, okay?"
"Okay."
"Wrap your arms around me, I'm going to pick you up, okay?" I instruct, feeling her arms around my neck, but sensing her grip is not strong. I make sure I have a good grip on her body before heading to the car.
"Amy, it really hurts."
"I know sweetie, we are going to get you to the hospital where they will give you some medicine to help it stop. You're going to be okay, you hear me?"
"Yeah."
I put Sofia down in the car and buckle her seat belt for her. I pick up my phone and click on Alex's name.
"Shepherd what's up, I thought you were off today."
"Thank God you're out of surgery. I need you to meet me at the ER, I'm pretty sure Sofia has appendicitis, and if it hasn't ruptured yet it's about to."
"How far are you?"
"5 minutes tops."
"Do you need a wheelchair bringing to the carpark?"
"I can carry her, it's okay, just be there. I haven't told Arizona yet, she is operating and I don't want to distract her. I'll tell her when we get to the hospital."
"Shepherd, relax, she is going to be okay, you're doing the right thing. Just focus on the road and I'll meet you in a couple minutes." Alex adds before hanging up, presumably to get to the ER.
"You okay there Sof?" I check in, looking to my side.
"It hurts."
"I know, sweet girl, not much longer."
When I get to the ER, Alex takes Sofia out of my arms and to a side room. One of the nurses takes her temperature "103.9oF (40oC)" She announces to Alex.
"Sounds like you're having a rough day, Sof. I'm going to have to put a cannula in your arm, is that okay?" He asks Sofia.
"Can Amy sit with me?"
"I'm not going anywhere, Sof. I'm right here. Can you give Alex your arm so he can give you some pain medicine?" I ask, stroking a tear from under her eye. She reaches her arm toward the male doctor but stays looking at Amelia.
"Do I need surgery, Amy?" She asks, wincing a little as the needle goes into her arm but holding still.
I look to Alex for confirmation and get a small nod.
"Looks like it, kid. I think your appendix decided it didn't like living in your body anymore so Alex is going to take it out."
"Don't I need it?" she asks turning to alex
"Nope, as a matter of fact my appendix didn't like me either so I had to get it removed." He tells her. "Now all I've got is this little scar, see." He explains, pulling up the side of his scrub top a little.
"Is the surgery going to hurt?"
"It'll be a little sore afterward but you'll be fine. I'm going to give you some medicine to make the pain go away. It's going to make you a little sleepy, okay?" He explains, pushing the drug through her IV.
"Okay" She says with a yawn and her eyes drift closed.
"I'm going to go prep her for surgery, I need you to find Arizona and get consent."
"She didn't want me to leave her."
"With the painkillers I just gave her, she probably won't wake up for a little while. The sooner we remove it, the better. Go." He instructs and I nod, walking toward the OR board to see where she is. When I arrive at OR 2, I enter the scrub room and press the intercom button.
"Arizona"
"Amelia, you okay?"
"I uh, I need you to stay calm but Alex is prepping Sofia for surgery, looks like her appendix ruptured. We need your consent before he operates."
"Wait what? She was fine, how did this happen?"
"I guess she downplayed that stomach ache this morning."
"I can't sign consent forms right now Amelia, I have my hands inside an 8 year olds chest."
"Okay. Just tell me it's okay, everybody here and confirm later if needed and sign the papers when you get out. She is going to be fine, Arizona. I will stay with her until you're out."
"Tell Alex to do whatever he needs to do. Go, go be with our daughter and I'll be out as soon as I can."
I find Alex and Sofia in pre-op where I tell him Arizona has given verbal consent, witnessed by everybody in OR-2 and that she will sign papers as soon as she is out.
"Melia." Sofia mumbles without opening her eyes.
"I'm right here kiddo." I tell her, holding her hand tightly so she can feel me there.
"Cuddle."
"I can't baby, I don't want to hurt your belly but I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere I promise. You can have all the cuddles in the world when your appendix is better."
"My 'pendix is a jerk." She mumbles sleepily and both Alex and I laugh.
"Yeah, it is. But Alex is going to remove it soon so it won't bother you anymore."
"And OR-1 is clear, so we are ready to go Miss Sofia. So shall we evict the jerk?"
"Yayyyyy! Melia come too?"
"I'll stay until you're sleeping, okay? And your Mom should be done when you wake up, okay?"
"Tell Mom I'm 'kay." Sofia instructs.
"I will. I promise." I nod, despite knowing her eyes are closed and she isn't looking at me. I watch as the anesthesiologist pushes the anaesthesia through her cannula, making sure she is asleep before I let go of her hand. As they push the bed into the OR I have a flashback to my baby being taken from my arms. What if this is the last time I see her. This can't end the same way.
I text Arizona to let her know I'm in the gallery of OR-1 and that Sofia told me to tell her she is okay. I focus on the monitors showing Sofia's steady vitals. I repeatedly tell myself that she is okay. That she is going to be okay.
Arizona joins me about 30 minutes after the surgery started. Everything has been going smoothly but I'm still panicked and Arizona is understandably in too much of her own panic to notice.
"She is okay, Arizona. She told me I had to make sure you knew she was okay. And she was brave the whole time."
"I know, I know. And Alex is the best. She will be fine. It was just unexpected." Arizona explains, still pacing up and down the gallery.
"Are you okay?" I ask her.
"Yeah. I'm fine, just worried about her."
"Are you going to be okay if I run to the bathroom? I've been needing to for the last hour but I didn't want her to be alone." I over explain, hoping she doesn't see through my lie.
"I'll be okay, I promise. Oh, did you manage to get to a meeting this morning? If you still need to, we can work it out."
"I'm okay, the school called me just after the meeting so it's fine. Thank you though."
I walk out of the OR and to the nearest bathroom. I don't really need to go, I just need a moment to collect myself and let my tears fall. I have been holding back my emotions since we got here. I'm so scared. I know logically that she will be okay, we caught it early and Alex is an excellent surgeon, but I can't bear to lose another child, I don't think I would survive. I try calling both Addison and Charlotte, but neither of them answer their phones so I am left alone with my thoughts.
"Amelia, you okay?" I hear, and I look up to see April closing the bathroom door behind her.
"I uh, shitty day is all."
"Want to talk about it? My shift is just finishing so I'm free if you want to get out of here."
"I can't leave. I uh, Sofia is in OR-1. She's going to be fine, her appendix ruptured but we think we caught it early enough for her not to get too much worse." I explain, attempting to keep my voice steady and hide the involuntary shakiness.
"Where is Arizona?" April asks, looking around like she expects to see her here with me.
"She's in the gallery, she only just got out of a surgery so she is up there now. I just needed to get out of there. I can't take any more today, I just needed everything to stop."
"What else is going on? Anything I can help with?"
"Not really. I mean, my mother turned up last night without telling me, and I snapped and told her I didn't want to see her today because it's Christopher's birthday. She didn't even know I'd had a kid and I blurted it out and everything is just too much for me right now. I just want to grieve for my son but now Sofia is sick and my mom is around and I'm sorry I'm unloading all of this onto you which you don't need. I'm sorry I-" I stop speaking, feel April's hand on my right shoulder and I flinch a little, but I don't think it was noticeable.
"Amelia, it's going to be okay, okay? Tell me, what is it that you need right now? You just need to cry? That's fine, I have two shoulders ready to be cried on. You want to talk, also fine, I can listen. You want me to track down your mother and put her on a plane back to New York, I'm in. Just let me know her name and where she is staying." April lists and I laugh at her last option.
"There is one thing, if you don't mind."
"Name it." April says with certainty in her voice.
"Could you go sit with Arizona for a bit? I don't think I can go back up there, but I don't want her to be alone."
"I don't really think you should be alone either, Amelia."
"Mer is in the labs, I'll go there, I just need not to be with Arizona because I will break down, and she needs to be there for Sofia, not having to worry about me." I reassure the redhead that I will not be alone.
"Okay. What do you want me to tell Arizona?"
"Tell her I'm with Meredith, and that I'm okay, I just need to calm down and have some space from my thoughts. She will understand." I explain with a nod, reaffirming my thoughts with myself.
"I'll keep you updated on Sofia." April says, lifting her phone out of her pocket, indicating that she will text.
"April." I call back as she leaves the bathroom. "Thank you."
"It's what friends are for Shepherd."
"Amelia, you look like crap." Meredith states as I walk into the lab where she is working. I try with every fibre of my being to stay strong, to try to think of a response to my sister's comment but nothing but a whimper escapes me. I sit down and against my will, tears begin to fall. "Amelia, hey, hey, what's going on?"
"I need a minute."
"Okay, you can take as long as you want." Meredith says softly, moving to close the blinds to the room and lock the door. "Nobody else can come in. It's just us until you're ready, okay?"
"Th-thank you."
After a few moments, after my tears have begun to slow, Meredith moves a little closer towards me. "Can I sit?" she asks softly, waiting for my response to do so. I nod my head and she sits by my side.
"I'm sorry, I just, April said I shouldn't be alone and I knew you were here and I just needed somewhere quiet for a bit."
"Where is Arizona? I thought you were both off today, I thought you'd be off doing something fun."
"Arizona was called in to help with a transplant and uh, Sofias school called because she was sick, her appendix ruptured, she's in OR-1. Arizona is in the gallery, I sent April to sit with her."
"She's going to be okay, Amelia. She has the best doctors in the country here."
"I know, I know that, I just. I was already having a bad day, it's uh, it's Christopher's birthday, my son and it's just all a bit too much. Seeing her get wheeled into that OR, it reminded me of them taking my son away to donate his organs."
I am rubbing my hands up and down my jeans, trying to stop the cravings, hoping the friction will be enough of a distraction but knowing realistically it isn't. At this stage the only thing that usually helps is talking to Arizona, she takes my hands so I can't use them for anything and holds me while I give up the control, but I can't do that. I can't tell her, I can't put this on her too. "Amelia, you're going to have a panic attack, you need to calm down, just sit still and breathe. You've got this."
"I can't, Mer. I can't make it stop."
"Make what stop?"
"The cravings, my thoughts, just everything" I ramble, not considering what I am saying as I am focusing all of my energy on remaining calm.
"Have you got any drugs?"
"Drugs? What? No. I haven't."
"You said cravings, I presumed you meant-" I sigh, trying to figure out how to best phrase my response to prompt the least number of questions, but alas I come up empty handed.
"Different cravings, different thoughts."
"Can you tell me what for?"
"I-" My head shakes no, indicating I do not want to respond, but she presses harder.
"Amelia."
"To hurt myself." I state bluntly, knowing she will not stop asking questions unless I give her an answer.
"Amelia, what are you saying?"
"I haven't, in what might be the longest I've gone in a long time, but I uh, I'm thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about it. I really want to. I need you not to let me."
"Okay. Okay. What can I do? Tell me what to do." Meredith instructs, attempting to make eye contact but I remain looking down.
"I don't know."
"What normally helps?"
"Sometimes Arizona, she uh, she holds onto my hands so I can't use them." I try to explain and Meredith pulls off the latex gloves she was wearing, throwing them on the floor and holding out her hands for me to hold. I shakily reach my hands to hers, hating that I am having to give up control but knowing it's the right thing to do. As I feel her grip tighten on my hands, I let myself break apart. I pull my legs up to my chest and rest my head on my knees and cry. I'm not sure how long I cry for before I feel Meredith pulling me into her arms. It's strange, she usually hates this kind of contact. It must be strange for her too, having to comfort a grown woman while she cries.
"I'm sorry." I say softly once I have calmed down.
"You okay for me to let go?" She checks, not making any movements until I respond.
"I think so. Thank you. I uh, I'm sorry you got dragged into this."
"Amelia, I'd rather you come to me than the alternative."
"You're oddly good at this." I release a small nervous laugh.
"Cristina, whenever she had panic attacks, she needed to be held like that. It didn't happen often, but occasionally. Especially after the plane crash."
"Oh."
"Your son wouldn't want you to be hurting like this Amelia. It's okay to hurt, and it's okay to miss him, but he wouldn't want you to punish yourself for what happened. It wasn't your fault."
"That's not really why, but thank you. It means a lot."
"You have questions, you want to say something. It's okay." I tell Meredith with a nervous, half hearted smile.
"Cutting?"
"Yeah." I admit, I lift my head to look at my sister but she is looking in the opposite direction. "Mer, say something. Please."
"My Mom slit her wrists in front of me when I was five. She wouldn't let me call 911 until she was unconscious."
"Meredith I-
"It's okay. You didn't know."
"I would never do that, I wouldn't put the kids through that. I never even want them to find out about it."
"I can't lose another sister, Amelia. I don't think I could survive that." My sister admits, and I take a breath to prepare myself for my response.
"I don't cut to kill myself, Meredith. I'm careful."
"You're not suicidal?"
"I'm not going to lie to you, some days I think about it, but Arizona and my therapist and I, we have a support plan in place for those days Mer and it works. And those days are rare. Arizona has only seen me like that twice."
"Have you ever acted on the thoughts?" She asks, and I'm a little taken aback by her question, but I try to answer honestly. She deserves honesty from me.
"Once, but I was high at the time. It was a long time ago." I try to reassure her that I haven't done anything recently.
"What happened?"
"I was standing on the edge of a friend's roof. I wanted to jump. Derek talked me down."
"So it's been like this for a while?"
"Yeah. I normally think it started around my attack, because of the drugs and things but I think it actually started before then, I just never acted on anything until afterwards. But I'm doing better at the moment, I haven't cut in months and I'm able to talk about it and not break down. I think I'm doing better." I state, feeling the truth in my words. "I am doing better." I reaffirm.
"I want you to be able to come to me, Amelia. If you ever want to hurt yourself, or worse, and Arizona isn't available you can come to me."
"I know." I nod.
"You do?"
"Mer, I'm here. I chose to come to you today. I wasn't just hanging around and needed a room, I came here because I knew it's where you would be."
I see my phone flash with a notification and grab it to see a message from April.
'They're closing now. She should be in recovery in about 10 minutes. Arizona is okay, but she is worried about you.'
"Sofia is out of surgery. I need to go. Are you still okay to deal with my Mom tonight?"
"Yep. She's coming over, Zola says she wants to make meatballs and then we are taking the kids to the park. I've got it under control."
"I'm sorry for dropping this all on you." I say honestly.
"It's what sisters are for. I'm here if you need me, okay?"
"Thank you."