Some things you can't go back to, some things need left alone
Don't mess with a memories of a life passed on

'Cause time has taken toll on what we couldn't see
No I don't wanna be a witness to the end of you and me

How am I gonna make each moment better than the last
How am I gonna make it better if I can't go back

Rosi Golan – Can't Go Back

Chapter 44: A Fine Line

Edward was more grim than usual as we made our way back to the Cullen house.

Not that I blamed him – I had disappointed him, I'd disappointed Rosalie and Emmett, I'd shamed the entire Cullen clan by doing what I had done. I'd risked everything; their safety and reputation as animal drinkers, their lives, the lives of Patrick and my father, and for what? For my own selfish need to see them.

I'd heard a few stories from Rosalie in my short time as a vampire. A vampire's change and the effects it had on their human life was a very personal thing to relate to another being. From what I could gather, it was a personal thing to share and a rite of passage in a relationship with another vampire if the story was shared. Not everyone had a beautiful, fluffy story like Renesmee who was born into the life or Bella, who chose it and had a chance to prepare. Under most circumstances, a person didn't chose this life, and therefore the retelling of how they came to be a monster was often a very personal one. The change wasn't the only touchy subject. It was also the mention of the life they'd had to abandon. I'd learned so far that it wasn't common for vampires to go back and visit their loved ones for exactly the same reason Rosalie had tried to talk me out of earlier – the line between food and family was now a very thin, wavering one.

It was a fine line I'd stupidly chosen to try to cross.

And for what? I was more upset now than I could remember being. Emmett had said the Cullens were known for being an example in the vampire world of how it was possible to live a somewhat normal life after being changed. Word had spread throughout the small community of vampires across the world that it was possible to stay in one place for more than a few days or weeks, to make acquaintances and in some instances even friends, and to have control over their thirst and not want to murder every human they came in contact with just by drinking from animals. Vampires who didn't want to murder humans any more often sought out their help and guidance in making the shift. What would others think if they learned the family was allowing someone who almost murdered her own parents to live with them?

I couldn't be certain, but surely they wouldn't let me stay if I couldn't at least control my urges. Despair shot through me at the idea of being completely alone throughout all of this. I could barely do it with help – what would I do if the Cullens abandoned me?

Edward glanced back at me as we ran, surely scanning my thoughts. He didn't acknowledge them and it sent me deeper into despair.

Biting back a silent sob, I kept running.

I ran through the trees in the middle of my new adopted family; Edward leading, Emmett and Rose on my sides. It was not a gesture of solidarity. They were guarding me in case I darted back through the woods to hunt. That fact alone made my dead heart ache.

I was a killer. A monster. And they were treating me as such.

Trees flew past me as we ran, my legs effortlessly carrying me back towards my new home. Now that I was away from the scent of their cloying, perfect blood, I could focus again on several things: First, how stupid I'd been to think I wouldn't be tempted by the blood of humans even if they were family. I understood now what Rosalie had been trying to teach me, that blood is blood and as a vampire, you'd do anything to get it. Second, how badly it stung that their lives were so stalled by my disappearance. Part of me would have been devastated if they'd simply picked up and carried on like nothing had happened after I'd left, but another part of me was more afraid that they hadn't. I couldn't go back and tell them the truth.

You couldn't go back to them because you'd murder them and drink them dry, the angry little voice in my head whispered.

I hated her – the careless vampire hellcat that controlled so much of my thoughts. I felt like I was sharing the large space in my brain with Jekyll and Hyde. My human side was still there, yet this other girl who didn't know or care about things like love, life, family, and happiness was there too. She dwelled in the front of my mind, taking my brain and controlling it at times like a runaway stagecoach. There were no consequences or tomorrow or guilt for her to fret over; just blood.

It was always just blood to her.

I'm you, she whispered. And I'm hungry. Just think of how his blood would taste, how easy it would be to turn back south and follow that little black car they got into. Think of how simply you could track them. You'd run up behind the car, take a flying leap and land on top of it like it was the easiest thing. You could tear the steel from the roof and pluck both humans out of it with no effort. You could feed from both-

"Enough!"

Edward slid to a halt, holding up his hand. I followed, flanked by Rose and Emmett. They exchanged curious looks, but I knew the reason for Edward's outburst and hung my head in shame.

"I wasn't going to hurt them I swear," I mumbled in shame, wincing as I fought the urge to cry. I sniffed out of habit, my face twisting in the agony of both thirst and regret. I knew I'd taken a chance by going there tonight, but I had to do it. I couldn't explain it. I had to see them one last time for myself. The image of the missing child poster flashed in front of my mind's eye, causing another spear of grief to wrench its way through my dead heart.

If that vampire hadn't already given me the bite that killed me, I was certain that losing everything – my family, Brady, my humanity – would have killed me. Was it possible to die of a broken heart? I knew the pain in my chest wasn't real, but it felt like something inside me was shattering. This pain I felt was all consuming and it refused to go away.

Edward shifted in front of me, his amber eyes flashing with regret. It was easy to forget he could hear my every thought. Shame washed over me. Even though I knew he was used to it and wouldn't judge me for what my thoughts were, it was still an entirely exposing feeling to know he could hear them.

"I'm sorry," he offered, his voice bordering on meek for a moment. "I know it can be… different," he sighed. "We need to get as far away from here as we can. We shouldn't linger here," he finished cryptically, his eyes darting around the woods.

A bolt of fear rushed up my spine at his words. When he took off, I followed, clinging close to Rosalie and Emmett. The run back to the Cullen house was short, thankfully, and I was soon inside behind closed doors that somehow helped my already frazzled nerves. It wasn't home, I realized, but it was a comforting place to be. I'd never go home again. Home was the place I'd just said my goodbyes to.

"We were so worried," Esme gasped, darting to my side. She pulled me into her arms and then looked at Rosalie. "Did anything happen?"

"No," I answered quickly, pulling away. I folded my arms across my middle and dropped my eyes to the ground. "I just wanted to see them. I didn't… I didn't hunt them."

"You are very strong, Lexi," Carlisle chimed in, appearing at his wife's side. A few of them exchanged worried looks, but Carlisle remained looking like his trust in me hadn't been utterly shattered during my small lapse of judgement. Jasper and Alice were nowhere to be seen, but Bella joined the rest of the family in the foyer where we stood to give me pitying looks. Didn't they understand that I didn't want their pity? Ulgh, I hated being bitter. It wasn't me.

"Did you see them? Your parents?" she asked hopefully.

I could barely nod.

"She just wanted to say her goodbyes," Rosalie added, wrapping a comforting arm around my shoulder. "We'd fed today, and Lexi knew to keep her distance. You shouldn't have gone alone, but you did well resisting."

A bitter laugh slipped out before I could stop it, making everyone pause.

"I did well?" I spat, my voice suddenly shrill. "I did well not murdering my father and his partner? I did, didn't I?"

A sort of quiet shock settled over everyone present as they registered my outburst. I could feel them looking at each other, wondering what I was going to say next. My throat flamed violently as I fought to remain in control.

"Lexi…"

Raising my hand to my hair, I pulled it through and pulled until it stung. "I pictured killing them both at least twice. I thought about how good they would taste and how easy it would be to hunt their car down and kill them," I growled, my voice shaking slightly. "I didn't do well," I spat.

Stomping away from her grasp, I practically threw myself onto the steps leading down into the living room like a child having a tantrum.

Edward cleared his throat, making all the gazes in the room awkwardly shift to him. He looked pained to speak.

"From what I gathered from Lexi's… thoughts," he winced slightly before looking at Carlisle, "Patrick appears to be Lexi's singer."

Esme muttered a startled gasp, but the room had fallen utterly silent. Which, in a room full of vampires was eerily quiet.

"Um, what?" I asked.

Edward gave an awkwardly expectant look to Carlisle, who slipped his hands into his pockets and faced me head on.

"From your thoughts, Edward could also tell what you were feeling when you smelled Patrick's blood," he explained, his clinical side showing. "When he says 'singer', what he really means is your 'blood singer', or rather, blood that speaks to you. Some vampires refer to the scent of a human so utterly appetizing and appealing as their 'singer' – it is futile for most vampires to resist the urge to hunt when the blood speaks to them as strongly as that of their blood singer. You were very strong to resist."

"Patrick…? It can't be…"

"It's rare," Edward jumped in, stepping in front of Carlisle. "Only a few of us have ever come in contact with our blood singers. Some of us have had more success than others dealing with it," he shot a look at Esme and then at Emmett. I followed his eyes and blinked in surprise at the idea of someone as strong and resilient as Emmett ever succumbing to the scent of a human.

"Emmett is very strong, yes, but… sometimes the urge to drink is stronger. If it catches you on the wrong day… if you haven't hunted, or if there's a cut on their skin, or… there are just a million different ways it could happen, Lexi." He stood, shaking his head. "But you were very strong, Carlisle is speaking the truth. Most humans would not live to walk away if they were the singer of a nearby vampire. And a fairly newborn one at that."

Dropping my head, I looked at my hands.

"So that's really it then. I have to stay away from them, for good this time. No screw ups."

"I'm afraid so," Carlisle replied. "The risk is too great. I expect you… you went to say your goodbyes?"

I could barely nod. My sharp mind instantly flashed back to the memory of my father and Patrick moving around their empty kitchen as they talked about what to do with my missing child posters. The image of my face emblazoned on the yellow flyers would haunt me forever. They thought I'd run away because I was unhappy.

They were still hoping I'd come back.

But I knew in my heart I could never go back. I could never go back because the Cullens had basically re-confirmed everything I'd feared since I'd woken up.

If I saw them, I'd surely kill them.

The wintry wind blew around my shoulders, but I barely noticed. Ever since my change, I'd grown fond of heights for some reason. I guess I figured looking down on everything else separated me a little bit. I'd taken to climbing rock faces, trees, really anything that could put me above everything else and help me gain some perspective. From high up, my problems somehow seemed smaller.

Which is how I found myself on the Cullen roof that night, clutching the object in my hand. Rosalie had taken pity on me shortly before and slipped it into my hand, the silvery metal unfamiliar at first. Maybe everyone else in the house knew she'd given it to me or maybe it was just our little secret. Either way, I was both happy and slightly terrified to have it.

I slid my cool thumb over the lock screen, opening the phone with a little click. I jumped, silencing it quickly. Pulling my knees to my chest, I opened the list of contacts and realized there were only three – Rosalie, Emmett, and….

My heart stopped.

Brady.

How had she…?

It didn't matter. Opening a new text, I was silently thankful my hands didn't shake from nerves anymore. My fingers were poised over the keys, waiting for the right words to type. This was my chance – this was my chance to say anything I needed to say to him, to ask him where he'd been and how he was and hope he could forgive me for what I'd become.

I blinked.

Nothing seemed right. My fingers flew over the keys as I typed out message after message, discarding them all after reading and re-reading them. Everything I said sounded trite and well, stupid.

Hi, it's Lexi. How are you?

Hey, what's up?

Brady, I miss you. Please don't hate me.

I stared at the words on the screen until they failed to make sense. Hitting the backspace key, I let out a frustrated breath of air. Nothing felt right. Nothing felt like it was something I would say after what had happened to us. It sounded like the storyline of a horrible fantasy teen romance-y thing I would have scoffed at a year ago.

We'd been in love. We'd been at each other's throats half the time, but we'd been hopelessly and recklessly in love. Then I'd been attacked and technically killed, and was turned into the mortal enemy of my shape shifting boyfriend. I'd woken up a vampire, but he'd disappeared. Maybe he was angry with me, or maybe he just couldn't help but hate me now, I wasn't sure. Or he's half afraid you'll try to drain him dry, a little voice whispered.

Shaking the thought, I took a deep cleansing breath and just typed the first thing I could think of.

It's me. Can we talk?

My thumb blurred over the little blue 'send' button before I could erase it.

Then, I waited.

Tucking the phone into my pocket, I made sure it was set to chime and tucked my legs up under my chin to wait. Maybe he wouldn't answer – maybe this was all for nothing. What if that wasn't even his number? What if Rosalie got it wrong? Maybe Brady was at work, or with his friends, or patrol. Or was he sleeping? Crap, I thought, pulling the phone out again. Being awake constantly made you pay less and less attention to the time of day humans ran their lives by. I guess time didn't matter when you never slept.

9:49. Good, not too late. He could be on patrol, or visiting his mom, or…

I stopped as my mind took a dark turn. Could he be out with another girl?

Maybe Brady was already dating someone. He could be – we'd never officially really broken up, but then again when you more or less become the undying there are a few grey areas when it comes to all of this. A dark chuckle slipped from my lips as I dipped my head. How had my life gone from so normal to so unbelievable in such a short time?

It was entirely possible that Brady was dating someone else. He knew his imprint was more or less gone, so he could have the freedom to date without accidently pulling a Sam Uley on anyone. He'd told me that wretchedly sad story before Leah's wedding, and I'd never felt so heartbroken for another human being before. I had a lot of respect for the she-wolf though – she's picked herself up off the ground after getting humiliated and dumped in front of her entire world, yet she'd refused to let it get to her. Brady had once told me she was one of the scariest in the pack if they got her riled enough. He'd remarked on what a skilled, cunning fighter she was. While the younger wolves tended to hunt and fight out of drive or pure anger, she'd been smart about it. He told me she wasn't one he usually picked fights with.

My lips quirked slightly at the thought. If a male shape shifting wolf was a bad thing to scuffle with, what about a scorned, pissed off woman shape shifter? A scorned she-wolf wasn't especially something I'd ever want to run into, that was for certain. She'd done her time in Jacob's pack for several years as a shifting, patrolling, badass wolf before retiring and going to college. She'd started her life over with school, then a career, and then finally a great guy who didn't give a rat's ass that she wasn't his imprint and vice versa. I still had flashes of her in my memories from my human days. It was blurry, but I could remember how beautiful and complete she looked at her wedding. In spite of everything, Leah had brushed off her hurt and bounced back.

I swallowed back the lump in my throat as I realized I would need to do the same.

There was a very real possibility that I would need to soon face the music and put any hopeful thoughts about Brady still loving me out of my mind forever. I'd held onto a secret hope that he would still love me despite what I'd turned into to. Was it stupid and reckless and completely silly? Yes, I knew it was. Emmett and Jasper had told me enough about our kind to know better by now. Vampires didn't date werewolves. We were enemies – of course we still had a truce with the pack, but that was more for the safety of the area and an alliance if it came down to facing a threat. From what I'd learned, vampires didn't really like to hang out with wolves – not if they could help it. I needed to accept that.

I stretched my legs out in front of me on the roof, digging my fingers into the frost lining the shingles. Telling myself to be sensible and accept something and then actually getting my heart to agree with it were two different feats. My realist side told me it was done and over with, and I needed to move on with my life like Leah had. Nothing good would come of me pining after someone I couldn't have, especially as I was struggling to get a grasp on my new life. It was time to face reality.

Brady would only hold me back from accepting my new life.

If I was ever going to move on, I needed to take the steps to have some closure, or I knew my stupid heart would keep holding on to the fruitless dream that somehow Brady could still love me.

The phone in my pocket chimed, jarring me from my thoughts. If my hands could still shake, they would have as I pulled it out.

Is it really you?

Licking my lips, I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear nervously and stared at his reply. He was typing again!

Is something wrong?

I gulped. Frowning, I thought, 'define wrong'. There were a lot of things I would classify as being 'wrong' right now, but as usual Brady wasn't going to make this easy.

No. Rose gave me this phone so that we could talk. I don't know if I can see you yet, but I would like to someday.

He was quiet for a few minutes, the seconds ticking by in my mind as I waited for him to respond. Shit, was that too forward sounding? I typed out another text before he could respond.

I'm sorry for everything. I remember we were fighting that day, and I'm sorry. I know you must hate me, but please know that I don't hate you, even though I'm supposed to now apparently.

I don't hate you, he responded almost immediately,I think we should meet.

I can't yet, I typed. Still working on the whole self-control thing. I would never forgive myself if I hurt you.

Not sure u can. I'm not exactly easy to break.

Me either,I typed. That's the problem.

We can figure that out later. Are you okay? Are they treating u alright

Yes,I responded, they are amazing to me. They have helped me thru this. Thank u for calling them.

I had to do what I could to help. I will catch him, Lex.

I blinked painfully, a surge of emotion welling up in my chest. Is that what he had been so preoccupied in doing these past few weeks? Looking for my killer?

That doesn't matter. You need to stay safe.

Yah. Got 2 patrol now. Can we talk later?

Yes. Goodbye Brady.

There was a pause, and he took a moment to type based on the flashing bubbles on the screen. He stopped a few times, then started typing again. I held my breath.

Goodbye, Lexi.

My heart hurts for poor Lexi! I know this is a bit of a downer story compared to LTP, but I think most of you were emotionally prepared for it. If you haven't heard of any of the chapter songs, please give them a listen! I put a lot of thought into which ones to pick for these and I hope they reflect the tones of the chapter for you.

Thanks to NinkyBaby for her betawork!

Thanks for reading!