Please, please, please try not to hate Carlie (or me) after this chapter. I know it's horrible, but it had to be written. I'm so sorry!
I could here Kathleen calling my name, but I didn't turn back. I knew that if I tried to talk to her, it would just make matters worse.
Still, the whole bus ride home I could feel my heart beating unnaturally fast and my stomach churning. I could hear the two boys behind me (that had been making fun of some other kid on my first day of school) muttering to each other about me, but I couldn't bring myself to turn around and tell them to shut up.
When I finally got home, I walked inside, grateful that Angel wasn't home yet. Even though I knew that this whole thing was probably my fault for not telling the truth to begin with, I couldn't help but blame my parents. They had been the ones that had made us move here, after all. If it had been my choice, I would have stayed in New York with Mimi and Roger. No, that's not true; I love my parents, I thought to myself. I would never leave them. But still………if my dad hadn't taken that stupid job here………
I tried to get my mind off what had happened by watching TV, but it didn't work. My mind was still racing, and I still wasn't breathing regularly.
Around six o'clock, I heard the front door open, along with laughing voices. My stomach flipped again as I stood up, ready to say hi to my parents, and then almost immediately sat back down. Suddenly, I didn't want to talk to them.
"Carlie honey?" I heard Angel call as she walked into the house.
"Hello?" I heard my dad say. Great, they were both here.
My parents both walked into the family room together. "Hi sweetie," Angel said as she walked toward me. "Dad and I just met in the drivew— what's wrong?" Because when Angel had started walking toward me, I had taken a step backwards.
"Carlie? Are you okay?" asked my dad with a concerned look on his face.
"Y-yeah," I answered after a minute of processing the question. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure sweetie?" asked Angel. "You don't look so good………"
"I'm fine," I said again, this time a little more forcefully. "Will people just stop asking me that?"
"What's wrong?" asked my dad again. "Did something— "
"Shh Collins," Angel interrupted him. "She doesn't have to tell us if she doesn't want— "
"You're what's wrong!" I yelled suddenly. "Both of you! For making me move to this stupid place!"
"Carlie, calm down, honey," Angel told me as she took a step forward and grabbed my hand. "Just try to tell us what happ—"
"You're what happened!" I screamed as I pulled my hand away from her grasp. "Why did we have to move to this G-ddamn place? At least in New York, people tried to accept me! They didn't care so much! I could at least tell the truth without getting made fun of or— or laughed at!"
"Carlie," said my dad slowly with a look of dread on his face, "what do you mean?"
"What do I mean? What I mean is why do you guys have to be different? Why the hell did you even adopt me? You must have known that I was going to be made fun of! That you were going to made fun of!" I watch my parents' facial expressions slowly change from shock to dread, to almost fear. But I couldn't stop myself. "Why do you guys have to be gay? Why couldn't I have been adopted by a normal family?"
"C-carlie," Angel said softly, her voice shaking, "Please, try to calm d—"
"No!" I yelled at her. "No! I won't calm down! This entire month, all I've been doing is calming down! I've stayed calm even though I've been lying about myself, about you guys, about what I believe in, about how I'm feeling. So today, when I finally tell the truth, I just get stared at. And laughed at. And made fun of. And it's made me feel like shit. So I'm sick of it! I'm sick of lying! So here. This is how I feel! I wish you guys had never adopted me! I wish that I could have ended up with a normal family! That's how I feel! Are you happy?" And with that, I ran upstairs into my room, slamming the door shut behind me.
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(A little bit outside of Carlie POV)
Collins slowly sank down onto the couch and put his face in his hands. Angel just stood there, looking at the spot where her daughter had been standing with a look of shock and sadness of her face.
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(back in Carlie's POV)
As soon as I slammed the door, the weight of what I had just done began to hit me. Suddenly feeling faint, I leaned back against the closed door and closed my eyes. I could feel the room spinning around me as my stomach flipped over and over as I kept remembering what I had told them, feeling worse every second.
No………I thought. No………I didn't just say that………it didn't happen………please let it not have happened………I would never say that………I love my parents………I didn't say that………
I opened my eyes. But I had said it. I had just told my parents the one thing that they had been hearing all their lives from people who were closed minded, people who didn't accept them, people who judged them. The one thing that they thought they would never here from the people they loved. I had told them I hated them because………why? Because they were gay? But that didn't matter to me………it never had. I loved my parents, and I knew they loved me, so why was I acting like this?
I forced myself off the floor and walked over to my bed, where I sank down on it, shaking.
I have to go apologize, I realized suddenly. I have to tell them that I love them and that I didn't mean it and that I would never trade them for anyone in the world………
That was when it hit me. I couldn't apologize. There was no way that I could ever apologize for what I had just done. There was no way that I could force myself to face my parents and explain to them why I had said that. Because there was no explanation. I should've just told the truth in the first place. I should have just not cared, like my dad. Or made people realize that they couldn't mess with me, like Angel. But I hadn't. I had been stupid enough to hide who I was, just to get people to like me.
It occurred to me that if apologizing wasn't an option, than there was only one thing I could do. Just the thought of it made me feel terrible, and I knew that it would just make my parents feel worse, but it seemed like the only option.
Slowly, I got off my bed and walked over to my closet, where I got out a sweatshirt, sneakers, and my purse. I went over to my sock drawer and pulled out some bills. With my hands shaking, I managed to separate two twenties and two tens. I stuffed them into my purse and put on my sweatshirt. Then, as quietly as I could, I went over to my window, opened it up, and swung my legs over the side. The jump looked far, but I knew it wasn't too bad. With a sudden rush or adrenaline, I pushed myself off the window sill onto the outside grass. Then I stood up and began to run.