I rush towards the OR recovery room hoping that she is still there and they haven't had a chance to move her yet. When I see Arizona, I rush towards her.
"She's out. Is she okay?" I ask Arizona who is standing outside the recovery room.
"They're extubating, we should be able to go in, in a minute."
"And she is-" I begin my question, but Arizona interrupts, knowing what I was going to ask.
"Surgery went perfectly. They think her appendix ruptured in the waiting room, not at school and because they operated so quickly there shouldn't be too many complications."
"Thank God." I exhale, wiping the tears that had been forming in my eyes before turning back to Arizona. "I'm sorry I left, I just, I couldn't watch anymore."
"April said you had a panic attack in the bathroom." Arizona states, but her tone projects her statement as more of a question. She reaches up to wipe the tears from my face while I respond.
"It wasn't a panic attack, I was just overwhelmed, I guess? I needed to cry for a bit but she followed me in."
"You weren't alone though, right? You actually went to Meredith?"
"Yeah, she helped, like a lot. I'll tell you about it at home, I'm not really ready to talk about it yet."
"But you're okay?"
"Yeah, I am."
"Arizona?" Alex beckons as he steps out of the recovery room. "Oh and Shepherd, you're back. You can go sit with her. She should begin to wake up soon. You know the drill."
"Thank you, Alex."
Arizona must see my uncertainty, the shaking of my hands so she reaches out and takes my hand, leading me into the recovery room where we see Sofia still unconscious on the hospital bed.
"She's okay, Amelia, look." Arizona nods towards her daughter. "Her BP and heart rate are normal, her oxygen stats are at 99% and she is going to wake up soon." She explains simply, looking at the monitors and then back to me. "You got her here quickly. She will be okay."
"I know. I know." I nod, wiping my tears with the neck of my hand before moving next to the bed and putting my hand over our daughters.
I feel Sofia's fingers wiggle underneath my hand and I jump up. Arizona somehow seems to have figured out what happened as she is quickly next to her daughter's face, stroking her hair out of her eyes.
"Amy." she mumbles without opening her eyes.
"I'm right here, baby. So is your Mom. You're okay."
"Jerk gone?" She asks in a whisper.
"Yeah, Sof. Alex took it out. It's gone."
"Good." She mumbles with a yawn, quickly falling back to sleep.
"Jerk?" Arizona asks quietly, careful not to wake the sleeping child and I nod.
"Alex gave her morphine because of the pain in the ER, apparently pain meds made her a little loopy and she decided her appendix is, was a jerk and Alex rolled with it."
"Ah. I guess I should be grateful that jerk is the worst she could come up with."
"How long do you reckon she will be in the hospital for?"
"If there aren't any complications, probably 48 to 72 hours for IV antibiotics and then they'll switch her to oral and she should be able to go home. She isn't going to be at school for a little while though, at least a week or two. I'm going to have to take time off work and - " Arizona begins to panic, her mind running through everything she will need to organise due to this unforeseen event.
"We. We can take time off, only one of us needs to be home with her. We will make it work, we always do. You're not alone in this. Just breathe, Arizona." I instruct, placing my hands on her shoulders and looking into her eyes, waiting for her breathing to regulate.
"You'll take time off too?"
"Of course! I know legally she isn't mine but I feel like I'm her parent, and I love her as though she were mine. I'm here for whatever she needs, okay?"
"Okay. I um, I should probably call Callie, she needs to know and uh, the school." Arizona considers, trying to think through things at a slower pace.
"I spoke to the school earlier, told them she definitely wouldn't be in for a few days but we would update them, so that can wait. As for Callie, maybe you should wait for Sof to wake up properly, she will be worried and being able to speak to her will probably help."
"You're right. I uh, I'm going to need to go home and get clothes and stuff for her and for me and i-" Arizona continues but I interrupt.
"Neither of us are going anywhere until she is awake, okay? And when she is, I will go home and get both of you some clothes and anything else you might need for the night. And I will also talk to Bailey about sorting out us getting some time off. You don't need to worry about any of that right now."
"You're right, I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for, come here. We have got this, it'll be fine." I reiterate, pulling Arizona into my arms.
It doesn't take long for Sofia to begin to wake up again, this time opening her eyes, blinking a little at the bright lights and looking at Arizona and then at myself.
"Hey sweet girl, are you feeling okay?" I ask Sofia as she grips onto my hand.
"Where am I?"
"We are in the recovery room right now, but in a little bit we are going to take you up to the kids ward."
"Where you work?" She asks her mother.
"Exactly."
"Do I have to stay for long?"
"Probably a couple of days. We just need to make sure everything is healing properly."
"But I don't have any of my things and I'll miss school."
"Amelia is going to bring you some clothes later and I'm sure Zola wouldn't mind sharing her notes with you and collecting any homework." Arizona reassures her. "But all your teachers will understand if you don't feel well enough."
"Mom."
"Yeah sweetie, you okay?" Arizona responds softly, stroking Sofia's hair away from her face.
"I'm hungry."
"Let's try some water first, okay? And if you don't feel sick we will try food in a little bit."
"Hm 'kay" She agrees, lifting her head a little to drink from the straw Arizona is offering.
We all turn to look at the door as we hear it open, seeing Alex enter the room.
"Miss Sofia, you're awake. How are you feeling?"
"Tired but fine." The girl says bluntly, tightening her grip on my hand.
"Does it hurt anywhere?"
"Not now." Sofia says almost too quietly, her tone appears as though she is holding back, but then she continues. "But I haven't tried moving yet."
"Well, let's see if we can sit you up a little, huh. Then you can tell us if you want more pain medicine." Alex informs her, picking up the controls for the bed and beginning to move her position.
"I don't want any." Sofia states bluntly, but her face winces a little with the movement.
"Let's just see what your pain levels are when you sit up. You'll probably need some at some point this afternoon when the anaesthetic fully wears off." Alex tells her truthfully, but she shakes her head indicating her disagreement.
"I don't want any."
"Why not, baby? If you're in pain then they might help." Arizona asks carefully, rubbing gentle circles onto Sofia's hand.
"Yeah, but I still don't want any."
"And why is that Sofia?" Alex asks, but the brunette just shakes her head. "Could you tell me if your Mom and Amelia left the room?" He asks, but Sofia shakes her head. "Okay, is there anybody you could tell?"
"Only Amy."
"Arizona, should we go outside? Give them a moment to talk." Alex suggests.
Arizona looks concerned and turns her attention to me. "Amelia?"
"It's okay, I've got this."
"Okay kiddo, tell me what's going on." I instruct the girl who is still visibly tense, but significantly less so than she was a few moments ago.
"You told mom that drugs make you bad. You said that they turn you into a bad person. And I know I'm not allowed to talk to anybody about your AA meetings so I couldn't talk in front of Mom or Dr Alex."
"I didn't realise you'd heard that or that you knew what AA was for."
"I googled it." She explains simply and I nod, understanding her perspective.
"You didn't have to do that, you could have asked and I would have told you, but either way, when I said you can't talk about it, I meant with your friends, your Mom already knows everything anyway, and Alex already knows I'm an addict too."
"I didn't know and I didn't want to do the wrong thing." She explains, her hand pulling away from mine so I let go, giving her a little freedom from the contact.
"That's okay. I appreciate you trying to look out for me, but I can promise, that's not going to happen to you, Sofia."
"How do you know?"
"I just do."
"But how?" She repeats and I realise what she is asking for isn't comfort, but information.
"You don't have any of the risk factors."
"What do you mean?"
"About half of addiction can be explained through genetics, neither your mama or your dad were addicts so your chances are already way lower than lots of people's."
"Were your parents addicts?"
"No, they weren't." I say honestly, realising that I shouldn't have started with the genetic factors.
"So what explained you?"
"The environmental factors, which I'm pretty sure you've never really had either."
"Like what?"
"Witnessing violence at an early age, lack of parental authority, peer influences and-" I pause, considering whether I want to continue with the next part of the sentence. She looks to me, waiting for me to continue, so I decide to get it over with. "People who have been sexually assaulted or abused are at a much higher risk. You don't have any of that stuff, right?"
"No" She answers with a small exhale and the relief is evident on her face.
"I promise you, you're not going to be like me, Sofia. You're going to be so much better."
"It does hurt, Amy." She admits with a small sob, tears beginning to run down her face.
"Is that why you didn't tell us how much it was hurting this morning?"
"Yeah, but also the maths test."
"Okay, well no more hiding pain from us, okay?"
"I just didn't want to make you sad."
"And I don't want you to be in pain. It's okay to take painkillers as long as you follow the doctor's instructions. I never mind being honest with you, Sofia. I just can't help explain if I don't know the problem."
"Okay. Can I have a cuddle now?" I smile, knowing she is referring to the cuddle I promised her prior to her surgery.
"A small one, I don't want to hurt you. But after you've had some pain killers, once you've been moved upstairs, I think I might be able to squish in the bed next to you, as long as we are careful." I explain, sitting the bed up and watching her wince a little in pain. I carefully reach over her body, placing a kiss on the top of her head and feeling her arm wrap around my neck.
I continue to hold her for a few moments before telling her I should go get Alex and Arizona before they start to worry. When I get to the door Arizona looks overly concerned. "She is in pain and we think it would be sensible to give her medication, right, Sof?"
"Yeah."
"I'm glad you changed your mind, we don't want you to be in pain because that makes the recovery slower." Alex explains as he pushes some pain medication in through her IV.
"Really?" Sofia asks.
"Really."
"That should kick in soon, alright kid? And I'm going to send somebody in to take you upstairs."
"Thanks, Alex." Arizona says quietly as he leaves the room.
"Sofia, would you be okay if I told your Mom why you didn't want the medicine so she understands." I ask Sofia, not wanting to break the girl's trust but also seeing the concern that is evident on my girlfriend's face.
"Okay."
"Sofia was worried that she might get addicted to the painkillers like me, but I've explained why that isn't going to happen and that it's okay to have medicine to help stop the pain so long as it's only used as the doctors say." I explain to Arizona who nods but raises an eyebrow slightly, offering a question without using words. "She said she overheard us having a conversation a while back, and that plus knowing about AA she put two and two together."
"I'm sorry, Mom."
"You don't need to be sorry, sweetheart. Did Amelia answer all your questions?" Arizona asks without a second thought and I'm glad to see she isn't upset over the thought of Sofia learning about my struggles with addiction.
"Yeah"
"We just don't want you to be in pain, baby." Arizona explains and I nod in agreement.
"That's what Amy said too."
"Well, Amy is right. Are you feeling any better yet? Those painkillers should be kicking in, they shouldn't take long."
"Yeah, I'm just feeling a bit sicky."
"That's normal, just keep sipping on the water and it should calm down but let us know if you're going to be sick."
"I will."
A porter has arrived to take Sofia upstairs, but Arizona takes my hand and holds me back, gesturing for us to follow behind so we can talk, only letting go once we are far enough behind so that Sofia can't hear.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realise that she had heard us talking and I definitely didn't want her to be influenced by my past, I didn't know."
"It's okay. She heard us talking, not you. She heard both of us. I'm not mad, I mean, I wish she would have told us before it became an issue, but I'm not mad." She reiterates.
"Okay."
"That being said, I do want to know what you said to her so if something like that happens again I can be consistent."
"I told her that it wasn't going to happen to her but she kept asking why so I talked about risk factors of addiction." I say simply, feeling cautious of the fact that we are in a public place and checking for people around me before I continue to talk.
"Like what?"
"Almost half of the cases of addiction can be accounted for genetically, and neither Callie or Mark are addicts. I thought that would do, but uh, she asked if my parents were and I said no so she asked more."
"What did you tell her?"
"That she hadn't had any of the environmental risk factors either, which I know isn't completely true but I didn't bring those ones up, I just went over the ones that I've experienced that she hasn't."
"Which are?" Arizona asks and I realise she probably doesn't even know the layers of risk and influences in addiction are, she hasn't studied them like I have. She clearly senses my nerves as she reaches out to hold my hand, gripping it tightly. It's strange, though people know we are together, it's rare we display affection in public, even just holding hands. I smile a little, gripping her hand back before explaining.
"Witnessing violence at a young age, neglect, well, absent parent in my case, peer influences and sexual assault." I say, my voice getting quieter at the end of the sentence so people around us can not hear.
"How did she react?"
"She got upset, but told me that it was hurting so we decided she should have some pain killers." I conclude, shrugging as an indication that I had finished the story.
"Are you okay? Talking to her about that is a lot."
"Yeah, I know but I'm okay. I just want to get her up to the ward so I can give her a hug. She asked repeatedly before she went into surgery and I had to say no, and then she asked again just now."
"Are you really okay with her knowing?" I ask Arizona before we enter the room Sofia has been wheeled into.
"If she is old enough to be concerned about it, then she is old enough to understand. I'm not worried about that. Plus, in the extremely unlikely event that she did ever decide to use drugs, I know she has you. You would be the best person to help in that scenario. "
"I don't even want to think about that possibility. I want her to stay at this age forever."
"No you don't. Because then you'd miss all the important milestones. She is going to grow up, but she is still going to be that smart, curious, caring girl in there. She'll just have more life experience, and maybe a little more height." Arizona jokes pulling me into a hug.
"I guess you're right. I would have given anything to watch Christopher grow up." I whisper into the embrace, feeling overcome with emotion but trying not to let it show.
"Shit I uh, I'm sorry I completely forgot. I'm sorry you didn't get your day to grieve, to remember him."
"I am still grieving, and thinking about him, and remembering him. It doesn't matter the location. Sofia is alive, she needed me more today. I think Christopher would agree with that."
"Auntie Amelia, where is Sofia?" I hear Zola shouting, running down the hospital corridor towards myself and Arizona.
"Zola slow down, no running please." Meredith sighs, trying to catch up with her daughter.
"Auntie Melia, Arizona, is she okay?" She looks panicked and is clearly out of breath from running all the way here.
"She's okay Zola." Arizona responds.
"She had to have her appendix removed." I add.
"In surgery? Will she have a scar? How long will she be in the hospital?"
"Yes in surgery, she will have a small scar and hopefully just a few days but we will have to wait and see." I respond, taking her questions one at a time.
"Can I see her?"
"Let me go ask her. She might not feel up to it just yet." Arizona replies softly, stepping into the room where Sofia had just been taken.
"Is she really okay? She looked really bad at school and she couldn't even walk properly."
"She was in a lot of pain, but she is okay now. I promise. She's just sleepy from the anaesthesia."
"But she's alive?"
"Of course she's alive. She isn't going anywhere." I tell Zola, but she turns to look at her mom.
"I was scared I wouldn't have time to say goodbye like with dad."
"This isn't like with your Dad, Zola. I promise. Sofia is okay." Meredith explains, crouching down to Zola's height and pulling her into an embrace.
"I think those pain meds kicked in on the walk up here because she is asleep again. I'm sure she would like to see you in a bit though." Arizona responds as she steps out of the room.
"Hey, Zola? Why don't we go together to get some clothes for Sofia and Arizona, and then when we get back hopefully she will be awake enough for you to talk to her for a little bit."
"Aren't I supposed to be seeing your mom?"
"I'm sure she wouldn't mind, and I could drop you off before dinner so you still have some time with her." I explain to my niece, holding my hand out for her to take.
"Can I mom?"
"As long as you do as your auntie Amelia and Arizona say. And if they say Sofia isn't well enough, no arguments. Okay?" Zola's hand reaches up to join mine, non-verbally communicating that she is staying with me rather than returning home with her mother.
"Yeah. I promise."
"Mer, I know you're going to have to tell my mom why we have Zola, but uh, could you make sure she doesn't come to my car when I drop her off, and when she wants to come to the hospital, tell her not today and that I'll get in touch tomorrow?"
"Of course. I'll handle her, just focus on Sofia." Meredith agrees with a gentle smile. It is clear from her manner that she is still concerned about me based on our conversation earlier in the day but she doesn't rise to it in front of my niece and girlfriend.
"Thank you."
"Will you be okay if I go get some clothes for you guys? Do you need anything?" I ask Arizona
"A pair of pyjamas and a spare set of clothes each, toothbrushes, Sof will want the bear she sleeps with and maybe some snacks if you don't mind?"
"Of course not. I'll be back soon, okay? And if she wakes up and wants anything else just text and let me know."
"I will. I love you."
"Love you too." I nod, pulling my girlfriend into a quick hug. "Come on, Zozo. Let's go."
"Auntie melia, could we go to the bookstore on the way back?"
"I don't think today's a good day for that kid." I respond apologetically. I know I would usually agree, but Sofia needs to come first today.
"But there is a book Sofia wanted and I have $9 of pocket money which should be enough. I thought it would make her happy."
"I think I agree. That's a really kind idea, Zola. Sof is lucky to have a friend as caring as you. But I don't mind paying, you should keep your pocket money for yourself."
"But I don't mind, I want to get Sofia a gift from me!"
"How about we pay half each? Then you will still have some change, but you can give it to her. I won't tell her I helped." I compromise, still feeling guilty about my niece paying money for a gift, but hoping she will agree.
"I like that idea. I was saving for Bailey's birthday so that will help."
"You're too kind, kiddo."
"You can't be too kind! It's not a bad thing."
"Yeah, you're right."