Don't you love productive procrastination? I had a lot of fun writing a chapter today (it'll be in about 4 or 5 chapters time) but as a hint, it involves Sofia and Amelia being nerdy in their kitchen at 4am. Anyways, enjoy!
"Auntie Melia, are you okay?" Zola asks, stepping into Arizona and I's bedroom. I quickly wipe my eyes before turning back to look at my niece.
"I'm okay, Zozo." I tell my niece, ruffling her hair a little.
"You're lying. You don't have to lie to me, I'm not a baby."
"I know you're not a baby, Zola."
"Then why did you lie? What's wrong?" She asks again, this time leaning to my side for a small hug.
"It's been a long day kiddo and I got a bit overwhelmed, but I really am okay. I promise. Did you get some clothes for Sofia?"
"Yeah, I got her favourite pyjamas and a sweater and a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. Oh, and underwear. Have you got stuff for you and Arizona?" She responds and I'm grateful that she isn't asking more questions. I don't particularly feel like talking about my problems right now, especially not with an eleven year old.
"They won't let both of us stay with her overnight, but I have clothes for Arizona, and I got their toothbrushes. Did you get Sof's teddy that Arizona said to bring?"
"I forgot. I'll go get it."
While Zola has gone to collect Sofia's toy, I pick up my phone and dial Dr Watson's office. My next appointment isn't for another 4 days but I feel like I could use one sooner if she has the availability. When the receptionist answers, I'm brief with my request and she puts me on hold while she converses with the therapist.
"Dr Watson says she could either see you at 6pm this evening or 10:30 tomorrow morning. Would either of these work for you?"
I think about my options. I know tomorrow would work better logistically, but the cravings are bad and the option of having an appointment today is appealing. I check my watch and see it is almost 4pm. Zola and I could be back to the hospital at 4:30, stay for an hour and then I could drop her off at home on my way to the appointment. "Ms Shepherd?" the receptionist prompts.
"Yeah, sorry. 6 would be great. Thank you"
"Okay, see you then."
"Who was on the phone?" Zola asks, walking back into the room.
"I have an appointment this afternoon, but don't worry. I'm going to make sure you get to see Sofia and get home before, okay?"
"Okay. Is it a doctor's appointment?"
"Yep, kind of. I go to regular appointments to help me when all my thoughts get too much, to help me stay sober."
"Like a therapy thing?" She figures out and I nod, not really giving her much more information.
"Exactly. Come on, let's get going if you want to go via the shop, we can get snacks from the store next door."
We make quick work of the shopping. We get the book first and I pay. Zola is instistant she will pay me back for half but I tell her we can figure that out later. For snacks we get a selection of fruits as well as some of both Arizona and Sofia's favourite yogurts that can be kept in the mini fridge in Arizona's office. I get a sandwich for Arizona and myself realising that neither of us had had much for lunch and Zola suggests some basic popsicles to eat because she knows hard foods can be difficult after surgery. I smile at her thoughtfulness, remarking that if Sofia doesn't want them then we will have to eat all the others so they don't melt and Zola's grin widens. "Or we could just have one each give them to other kids on the ward."
"That's a great idea. Much better than making ourselves sick."
"Yeah, I have the smartest ideas. That's what Mom says."
"Your Mom is right, you're incredibly smart. Can you grab the popsicles so we can go pay?"
"Yep. Let's go!"
Upon arriving back at the hospital, we find Alex and check in regarding whether Sofia is allowed the popsicles so we don't offer if she isn't. He tells us as long as they're not chocolate or creamy then she should be fine so we head towards her room.
"Be quiet just until we get in the room okay? Just in case she is still sleeping." I instruct my niece and she nods in agreement. I open the door slowly to see Sofia sitting up talking to Arizona. She looks drowsy but she is smiling.
"Hey kiddo, you're looking better than earlier. How are you feeling?"
"It doesn't hurt but my head feels funny, like dizzy but not really dizzy. Is that the drugs?"
"Probably, but it's nothing to worry about. Are you okay if Zola comes in? She is worried about you."
"Yeah but you promised me I could have cuddles now."
"I could cuddle while Zola is here."
"Yeah. Okay." Sofia nods. I turn to walk to the door to tell Zola to come in but Arizona stands up after me.
"I'll get Zola. You promised our daughter a hug and she hasn't stopped asking for it, she said you were going to sit with her for a cuddle or something."
"I promised her before surgery, isn't that right Sofia. You think you can squidge to the side a bit?"
"Yeah but I might need help."
"That's okay, I've got you." I smile, seeing Arizona has left to get Zola.
I help Sofia shuffle a little before carefully sitting up next to her. Almost immediately, she is leaning into my side. I wrap my arm carefully behind her shoulders and she begins to relax.
"Are you okay? No pain?"
"Nope. I'm comfy."
"Good"
Zola visibly calms down once she is able to talk to her friend. They talk about everything and nothing, like they have no cares in the world and could talk to each other forever. At Sofia's request, Zola fills her in on everything that had happened at school after she had gone home. The majority of information that Zola shared was gossiping about what had happened to Sof, people's theories of why she was in pain. Zola is proud to announce that she was one of the only people who proposed appendicitis as an explanation. She goes through some of the lesson content too, explaining a diagram of plant vs animal cells that they had been learning in biology and informing Sofia that for English homework, they have to read and write a book report on either The Adventures of Tom Sawyer or the Wizard of Oz. This information makes Sofia relax a little as she had already read the Wizard of Oz after going to see Wicked.
"I can do the Wizard of Oz review while I'm here, that will be easy. It hasn't been long since I read it." She tells her Mom. "Do either of you have a notepad here? Or could you bring the ipad next time you go home, Amy?" She continues, but Arizona places a hand on her arm.
"Sofia, you don't have to keep up with everything, you're sick, you're allowed a break."
"I know, and if I feel bad, I won't do it, but if I have to stay here for days, I'm going to get bored."
"I can get some paper for you from my office." I tell Sofia, shuffling out of the bed. "My legs are going numb from sitting here anyway."
I indicate for Arizona to follow me outside to tell her my plans for the evening, letting her know I will be a little longer than she would have expected when I drop Zola at home.
"I made a therapy appointment for this evening. I'll come back here after I just need something sooner than 4 days. I'm going to take Zola home on the way and I should be back here just after 7." I inform her, trying to keep to the facts and not let myself spiral.
"Okay. There is a chance they won't let you back in after that, visitors' hours will be over."
"I'll put scrubs on if I have to, they'll let me in. If not I'll scale the building or something." I joke and Arizona smiles in response.
"Or you could not risk your life and facetime us."
"Equally valid option." I nod.
"What happened to make you need an appointment today? Not that it's a problem, it's not and I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to book it for yourself. I'm just worried about you." Arizona rambles and I take a breath. "you don't have to tell me if-"
"I told Meredith about the cutting." I state bluntly. There is no point in sugar coating the truth, she would find out eventually anyway.
"How did she respond? Was she okay? Are you okay?" Arizona checks in. The last person who found out about the cutting was Richard, and he did not respond well. Arizona's concern is justified.
"It scared her. Apparently her Mom slit her wrists in front of Mer when she was a kid. But uh, we talked and I think she is okay now."
"What about you?" She asks, noticing my avoidance of answering her previous question.
"Not really. I mean, Meredith helped in the moment, but I'm not great. I'm doing better now that Sofia is awake. I'm just taking things a step at a time." I tell her honestly and she pulls me into her arms for a brief hug.
"What's your next step?" She asks as she releases me from her grip.
"Take Zola home."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Stay with Sof. I'll feel better knowing she's okay. But uh, can you keep your phone on loud incase I need you?"
"Already done"
"Do you want me to get my phone charger from my office? I didn't bring yours from home but you'll probably need it if you're staying the night."
"That would be great, thank you. I was just going to ask the nurses and hope one of them had one."
"I'll go get it now before I take Zola home, I'll get the notepad Sofia wanted too. Give me a few minutes to go upstairs. Could you ask Zola to get her stuff together?" I see her nod so I turn to leave and go to my office.
Walking through the hospital corridors, I try to remain focused on my task. Go to my office. Get a phone charger. Go back to Arizona. But my mind keeps wandering back to the yellow container I had brought from home. My mind is so full of everything that is going on, my thoughts are spinning at a rate which I'm surprised is even possible. I need to cut. I've been needing to cut since I left the hospital to collect clothes for Arizona and Sofia, but having Zola with me stopped it. I thought if I took her, it would give the cravings time to calm down. The reality is that time has only made them worse.
When I get to my office, I lock the door, closing the blinds so that nobody can see in. I take the container out from my bag. Opening it and looking at the blade. I hold it in my hand and I immediately feel comforted. I know it's a bad idea, but right now cutting is going to make me feel better. It's a short term solution, but that's okay. Any solution will make me feel better than I feel now.
I unbutton my pants and pull them down to my knees. I look at my thighs, littered with scars but no cuts. It has been over 10 weeks since I last resorted to the blade and I had been feeling so proud of myself for that, but today it's going to change. It needs to change because otherwise I will end up high somewhere and I can't do that to Arizona and Sofia. I position the blade between my fingers and pull it across the skin until I see three thin lines of blood rising from inside my body. The relief I feel is almost instantaneous. What was panic and stress inside my head is now calm. I know the solace is only temporary but that doesn't matter to me right now. I sit for a moment, allowing myself to breathe before I grab the gauze and press them down on my leg. As the bleeding slows, I reach for a dressing to cover the damage before putting the blade back in the container, and the container back into my bag. I pull my pants back up, fastening the buttons. As I'm standing to head back to Arizona, I realise I had forgotten the reason I came here to begin with. I collect my phone charger from my drawer and a notebook for Sofia before heading back to my family.
"Are you not coming in?" Zola asks as she is getting out of the car.
"Not today, kiddo. I have an appointment, remember?" I remind her and she nods showing her recollection of our earlier conversation.
Zola pauses before she is fully out of the vehicle and turns to look at me and ask a question. "Auntie Melia, what do I call your mom? Is she Grandma or do I call her by her name or something else?"
"I'm not sure, what did your Mom call her when she told you she was coming?" I reply, not having thought about this before.
"Daddy's Mom"
"Well, she is your Grandma, and that's what my other nieces and nephews call her, but you could ask her? Or your mom?" I offer, attempting to give her choices of how to proceed. It isn't a question I can answer for her.
"What's her real name?"
"Carolyn."
"Okay. I think I'll ask my Mom, or wait until I hear what Ellis or Bailey say." She concludes, informing me of the decision she had made.
"Good idea." I tell her as she climbs out of the car.
"Can I see Sofia again tomorrow?"
"We will have to wait and see. She's going to be super tired for the next couple of days, but you'll be able to speak on the phone, and I'll keep you updated."
"Thank you. Bye Aunty Melia!" She shouts as she runs toward the door. I watch until I see the door open before I begin to reverse out of the driveway.
It doesn't take me long to drive to Dr Watson's office, it is only a few miles from Meredith's house. I take a few deep breaths before getting out of the car and heading upstairs. When I get to the waiting area, the receptionist informs me that she has signed me in and that Anne will be out shortly to get me. I find a chair to sit in while I wait and I check my phone to see a message from Arizona.
"Hope the appointment goes okay. If you're feeling up to it could you get some melon for Sof on your way back? Love you. X"
"Will do x"
"Amelia?" I hear Dr Watson ask as she steps out of her office. I lock my phone and put it in my pocket before following her into the office.
"Thank you for getting me at the last minute."
"Not a problem. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to ask when you needed it." She responds as we both get situated. "So, because this is an additional session, the structure can be up to you. I recall you're not too comfortable when things are unexpected, so if you want to stick to our usual structure that's fine, but if there is something else you would rather do or discuss, that is up to you."
"Okay." I nod, processing the options she has given me.
"Is there anything specific you'd like to talk about?" She prompts.
"Yeah, I erm, a lot has happened today and I think I just needed to talk but I didn't want to add anything to Arizona's plate right now."
"I'm always here to listen if you need that, but I'm sure Arizona would have made time for you if you ask her." Anne states truthfully, knowing that we had been working on my asking for help more often when I need it rather than hiding my problems.
"She would have, but Sofia needs her right now and Arizona is already over stressed. Sofias appendix ruptured today so Arizona is at the hospital with her. I've been there most of the day too." I explain, and she nods, realising the situation and how I had ended up here rather than talking to my girlfriend.
"Is Sofia okay?"
"She will be. She had surgery but she is awake now and talking and stuff."
"I'm glad to hear that."
"My son would have turned nine today. I took the day of work to just grieve and think about him. Arizona took the day off too so I wouldn't be alone but everything that could have gone wrong seems to have gone wrong." I explain, telling her the reason that I am really here. The stress of Sofia's appendectomy was intense, but she is okay and I'm suddenly thinking about my son again, and all the grief that I was experiencing this morning is back but somehow worse.
"You don't talk about him often. He's only been mentioned in our sessions once before when you were talking about Ryan. Why is that?"
"I talk about him quite a lot to Arizona and sometimes to Meredith but that is much less frequent."
"So what do you think is different about talking about him here?"
"I don't know."
"I can't help but notice you're being a little evasive here. Would you like to talk about something else or am I okay to keep asking questions?"
"Sorry. I don't mean to be evasive. You can ask. I don't know why I don't talk about him here, I guess he's normally just brought up in discussions of my past, not really linked to my issues. There is also a picture of him on my bedside table which sometimes prompts conversations." I state, trying to come up with an answer, but being unsure as to how much truth is behind it.
"Did you name him?
"Yeah. His name is, was, Christopher. Christopher was my dad's name, and Derek's middle name. I named him after my Dad."
"It's a beautiful name."
"Yeah. It took me 8 years to even tell anybody his name. I'm not sure why, but for a long time I just couldn't do it. I hadn't even said his name out loud to myself. Quite a few people know now, though."
"It sounds like you're coming to terms with his death." Anne states but I shake my head 'no'. She is wrong.
"I don't think that's ever something you come to terms with. It still hurts every time I think of him. I don't think I'll ever get used to the fact that he died. I don't think I want to."
"Then you don't have to." She nods, holding out a box of tissues and I realise I'm crying.
I stand up to reach for a tissue and I feel the sting of the cut on my leg. I wince a little but don't make a noise.
"Are you okay?" Anne asks and I sigh realising that she noticed. I wipe my tears with the tissue before responding.
"I cut today. It was the first time in over two months." I feel the guilt in the pit of my stomach at my admission.
"Is that why you made an appointment today?"
"No. I made the appointment before. The cravings had been bad all day. I tried not to, I even told Meredith about the cutting and she helped with the cravings for a while but then they got worse and I needed to. It was the only way to make my brain stop."
"Did you tell Arizona or Meredith that you have cut today?" She asks and I shake my head.
"No. Arizona was with Sofia. I will tell her, I just haven't been alone with her since I did it. I can't tell Meredith though." I explain. I'm not willing to trigger Meredith further.
"Why not?"
"When I told her about the cravings it triggered some of her own stuff. Her mom slit her wrists in front of her when she was a kid." I explain with a gulp. "I'm grateful she was there for me today, and if the cravings are bad and Arizona isn't available I would go to her again, but I don't want to trigger her further. I know if I told her, she would want to see and that would only make things harder for both of us." I'm surprised at my ability to articulate these events. I commonly struggle with this kind of statement but for some reason I'm sure about this.
"Ah, that is understandable, but it's good you have the additional support system to deal with the cravings."
"Yeah, it's just weird. It's like I'm addicted. Drug addiction I understand, the chemicals hijack the brain and the mesolimbic and mesocortical pathways, they impact the dopamine system, but this is different."
"In a way, yes it's different, but behaviours can be addictive too, gambling for instance. That being said, I don't think self harm is any different to drug addiction."
"I'm not following." I state, waiting for her to further explain what she was referring to.
"When you are injured, your brain releases endogenous opioids like hydroxyindoleacetic acid and homovanillic acid. When you self harm, the body has the same response. Sure, the effects of these chemicals aren't exactly the same as illicit drugs, but they impact the reward system in the same way."
"I erm, shit. I uh."
"Amelia?" the doctor repeats, attempting to get my attention. When I finally look up, I don't respond to her comment, instead I ask to change the topic.
"Can we talk about something else?" I request, unsure how to respond to her previous comment. I should have known that, and now I'm questioning the validity of my sobriety and feeling a different kind of guilt, like I have cheated myself.
"Of course, however, I do think it is relevant to come back to that topic at some point. We can shelve it until your next appointment though if you would prefer?" She offers and I nod. I would be much more comfortable discussing that with Arizona present and after having some time to think.
"Yeah, please. I think I just need some time to process that."
"What else has happened today that brought you here?" She asks, giving me control of where to change the subject to. We discussed it a while back, I dislike unpredictability, so by giving me the choice of what to discuss I feel more in control.
"My Mom. She uh, she turned up at our apartment unannounced last night. Arizona and I were fighting when we heard the door and she just expected me to be completely fine that she had travelled across the country and not told me she was coming. She bombarded me with questions and I let it slip that today was my son's birthday. She didn't know about him."
"You were fighting? I don't think you've ever mentioned you two fighting before." I'm surprised that that is the area of my statement she chooses to ask about, but I accept it.
"We don't fight often, it's pretty rare, honestly."
"Can I ask what the fight was about?"
"She had also been diagnosed with PTSD years ago but she hadn't told me. Meredith informed me of Arizona's diagnosis and I just, I felt like I was going insane and she didn't think to tell me she had been through the same stuff. I kinda get why she didn't tell me, and to be fair I knew she used to have flashbacks and nightmares and stuff before we were together, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt that she didn't tell me. But then my Mom knocked on the door and the fight just stopped. I'm presuming we will come back to it at some point but we have other priorities right now." I shrug, trying my hardest to explain the emotions that I had experienced. I am also struck with the realisation that I wasn't mad at Meredith for not telling me of her diagnosis, but I was still mad at Arizona. I ignore that thought, deciding I can come back to it later.
"So what happened with your Mom?"
"Meredith is keeping her away from me today. I will deal with her tomorrow."
"And what does dealing with her entail?"
"I don't know. I guess she will have questions about Christopher and Ryan. I will try to answer some of them, but I don't want her here." I explain truthfully.
"Why is that?" Anne asks and I pause to consider my response.
"I don't need her. My whole life, she has never been there for me and now she's wanting us to have a relationship like normal mothers and daughters do, but nothing about us is normal. She wasn't there for me when I needed her, so why should I be there now. I was five. I had just seen my dad get murdered and instead of being there for me, she ignored me completely. She said I reminded her too much of my dad. I needed a mother then, but now I don't. She is too late."
"Why is it that you think your Mom travelled this far to see you?" Anne asks and I shrug.
"I don't know. She said she needed a break from my sister and her kids, but I don't know."
"You don't believe her?"
"Why should I? If she needed a break from Liz, I have two other sisters that live in the same state. She doesn't have to get on a five hour flight."
"How often do you talk to your Mom?"
"More often than we used to. When I came out to her a few months back, she said she was feeling guilty for never getting to know me and that she wanted to get to know me now."
"So you agreed to stay in touch?" She concludes but I shake my head indicating that she is incorrect.
"Not initially, but Arizona told me to agree. She said even if I didn't need my mom, maybe my mom needed me." I express myself with an eye roll. "I know it's wrong but a part of me doesn't care if my Mom needs me, I don't know why I shouldn't be there for her when she was never there for me. And even the idea of her needing me feels like a lie, she is probably just using me to get to the kids."
"What makes you think that?"
"When I tried to kill myself as a teenager, she didn't come. Derek did, he talked me down but my Mom didn't show. She sent Derek so she could make sure Nancy got a nice meal before going away for the weekend. I remember one day that Kathleen came home from school and went straight to her room. My mom talked to her for hours to try to figure out what was wrong. I once went 4 days without speaking and the only person that realised was Derek. I just, I never mattered to her and I'm finally okay with that. And now she is here all she ever asks about is Sofia, or Derek's kids. She isn't here for me. She is here for them and I'm just here a means to an end. I'm the only family contact point for Derek's kids. I just don't know if I can put myself through that, seeing her be there for the other kids the way she never was for me." I pull my legs up onto the chair to hold onto them, the way I do when I'm nervous or uncomfortable but Anne doesn't rise to it.
"Have you told her you feel like this?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I guess I'm not a fan of confrontation, and it's not fair on the kids. Just because I have issues, their relationship with their grandmother shouldn't suffer." I justify.
"It doesn't have to be confrontational, it could be conversational."
"I just, she didn't always treat me like that. Before my dad died, everything was so normal. Now I can't help but think what if something happens and she stops caring about the kids. What if I'm in an accident and die and she just abandons them too? I never want them to feel rejected like I did." I think back to the few memories that I have of my mom actually caring for me, times she used to tuck me into bed or play with me while my siblings were at school.
"From what you have said, it is clear you don't trust her, so maybe setting some sort of boundaries would be healthy, let her know that you want her to be in your life, and the kids lives, but she needs to follow your rules. Of course you'd need to discuss this with Meredith, but from what you've told me, she would be understanding." She suggests and I nod my head in agreement. Having rules would help me feel more comfortable around her.
"Yeah, she would be."
"That's great."
"So, we only have a small amount of time left, is there anything else you'd like to discuss today? Also the 10:30 appointment tomorrow morning is still available if you feel like you'd need more time?"
"I can't tomorrow, but thank you." I say, looking up to check the time, seeing we have five minutes remaining. "I don't think I have anything else, nothing important."
"That's okay. So, I know it's been a long time since you've spent the night without Arizona, do you have a plan for this evening?" She inquires.
"I'm going to try going back to the hospital, I'm hoping the fact that I'm a doctor will mean they let me in, but if they don't I'm not sure. My Mom is at Merediths, I could maybe ask her to let me know when she has gone but I also don't want to give her any more to worry about today." I explain, I already feel guilty for dumping my mother on Meredith today and not offering to help out.
"Do you have anywhere else you could go? Anybody else you could talk to?" I take a moment to think before coming back to the conversation I had with April earlier. She offered.
"Maybe April, but I'm not sure."
"You've never mentioned her before. Who is she?"
"She's a trauma surgeon, Arizona's best friend. She is the only one who really gets what I'm going through today. Her son died the day he was born too. She knows about Christopher and I told her earlier that today was his birthday. She told me to let her know if I needed anything." I continue justifying her as an option of who I would talk to.
"Do you trust her?"
"To talk about Christopher? Yeah. She also knows about the addiction. She's come to me when she's had a bad day before so I could probably do the same, I just wouldn't talk about cutting or PTSD or anything. She would be here for me though if I asked, I know that."
"I'm glad you have that option, and it's good that you have somebody to talk to who understands what you're going through. Not many people can understand that pain."
"I think maybe if I can't get back into Sof's room I might, but I can decide that later." I explain, standing up knowing the session is coming to an end. "Thank you again for fitting me in last minute, I needed this."
"Anytime. I hope Sofia is doing okay."