Thanks all the people who left reviews on the last chapter. I love reading them.
To the reviewer who asked about Carolyn's motives, there are a couple clues in this chapter but it is fully explained in the next one (I'll try to post it soon).
To the reviewer who said they love exploring Amelia coping without Arizona, me too! That was one of my main reasons for writing this storyline. It's an interesting dynamic.
To the reviewers who are concerned for Amelia's wellbeing, she slipped up, but she is strong. I think the next few chapters will show that.
And to the reviewer who has read this story many times - Thank you so much!!! It was great to hear from you.
Anyways, on with the story :)
Amelia POV
The night nurses allowed me back onto the ward for a small while, but explained it is protocol to only have one parent stay overnight with Sofia. They allowed me to stay with her and Arizona until 9pm, which I appreciate is already several hours after most visitors are allowed to stay, before they sent me home. I had decided before I arrived at the hospital that I was going to tell Arizona that I had cut, but I hadn't had the opportunity. I couldn't find a way to bring it up, or maybe I just didn't want to. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. Sofia seems a little better than earlier. She has been feeling nauseous and is maxed out on anti-nausea medication, but that's a common occurrence after being under general anaesthesia. Sofia asked why I had been gone for so long and I informed them both that I had been to a therapy. Arizona raised an eyebrow, a questioning gaze with concern evident in her eyes but I shook my head, no. I did not want to talk about it. Thankfully, Arizona didn't push the topic, instead she changed the topic so that I could have some time to relax with my family before I had to leave.
As I am arriving home, I receive a text from Meredith.
"Your Mom is leaving to go back to her hotel now. I told her you'd get in touch tonight or in the morning. Do you need anything?" - Meredith.
I look at the text I have just received and decide to click dial, knowing I am going to need to speak to her before I give my mom rules regarding mers kids. After a few rings my sister answers her phone.
"Amelia, are you okay?"
"Yeah I guess. I just have some stuff I have to run by you." I offer, knowing I'm being overly vague but unsure how else to bring it up.
"Do you want to come over? Your old room is ready for you if you don't want to be alone. We could talk and you could stay."
"I don't want to impose. You've already had to deal with my mom, Mer. You don't need to deal with me too."
"You're not imposing, Amelia. And yes, I had to deal with your Mom, but I don't have to deal with you. I like having you here."
"Mer it's fine…"
"Amelia get your ass over here, then we can talk about whatever you wanted to run by me. You're family. I'm not leaving you alone when you're hurting." Meredith states bluntly, her tone while caring, is harsh and leaves no room for me to argue.
"I uh, okay… I'll be over in 20 minutes."
"Drive safe."
I pick up my bag, removing some of my art supplies but leaving the essentials. I put necessary clothes in the bag as well as my blade. I consider packing a toothbrush but then remember I still have one at Mers. I take a few notes out of the jar Arizona gave me and without opening them, I put them into the front pocket of my bag in case I need a pick-me-up during the night. I collect my phone charger, thinking about what else I need when I have a realisation that makes me panic a little. My pills. I don't know exactly where Arizona keeps them, but I need 2: one for tonight and one for the morning.
I decide to call my girlfriend, awkwardly tapping the kitchen side waiting for her to answer. When she finally does, I hear Sofia's voice rather than Arizona's. "Hi Amelia."
"Hi baby, are you okay?"
"Yep. I'm reading the book Zola got me. It's super good."
"That's awesome kiddo. Is your mom there?" I ask carefully, not wanting to sound like I am brushing her off, but needing to talk to her mother.
"She fell asleep so I answered. She looked tired so I didn't wake her." Sofia explains and I begin to panic a little. I don't want to worry Sofia, but I do need to speak to my girlfriend. "Are you okay Amy?" Sofia asks when I don't respond.
"I'm okay, I just need to know where your mom keeps the medicine I'm supposed to take."
"In the pop tarts box on the top shelf. She knows you hate them so wouldn't look there. Are you supposed to know that?"
"I didn't want to, but I needed to while she wasn't here. Your mom can hide them somewhere new when she comes home. I'm only taking two out right now, okay. One for today and another for the morning. Just like the doctor told me." I explain, adding the extra details due to our recent conversation regarding her concerns about drug addiction. "How did you know where to look?" I ask the girl.
"Mom gets one out for you in the morning while you're in the shower and I'm eating cereal so I saw her. Why do you need one for tomorrow too?"
"Because I'm having a sleepover at Meredith's house tonight so I don't get lonely without you guys. You don't want me to be lonely, do you?" I ask the child in a light hearted, teasing tone.
"No, I think you should stay with Zola and Meredith. I get to have a sleepover with Mom here, so you should too."
"Exactly. I'm going to go now baby because I need to drive, but when your mom wakes up tell her I'm at Zola's, okay?" I request.
"Okay."
"And get some rest kiddo; Don't stay up all night reading."
"Two more chapters?" she begs, knowing usually she is only allowed one more when we tell her to sleep.
"Sure, as long as you promise."
"I promise. Goodnight, Amy."
"Sleep tight, Sof."
I take the pills I had gotten from the box and put them into my bag and look around to make sure I've got everything. I lock the apartment and drive towards my sisters, trying to plan what I am going to say to her. I take the drive slowly, I want to have the time to process my feelings and to plan out what I'm going to say. I think about my Mom and the rules I'm going to have to put in place. I think about how the hell I'm going to deal with her tomorrow. She is going to want to see Sofia which is fine, so long as Sofia says she is comfortable with her visiting. When I am honest with myself, I think I'm really scared of actually sitting down with my Mom and talking to her. I can't remember a time in my life that I've ever had a truthful, honest conversation with her apart from last night, but Arizona was there too. Tomorrow I'll be alone with her, and I'm going to have to be okay with that.
I park the car on Meredith's driveway, grab my bag and walk towards the front door. I take a short moment before unlocking the door and entering. Zola runs toward me and jumps into my arms, wrapping her legs around my hips. She catches the cuts on my legs and I feel the sting but I'm distracted and I stumble backwards from the force of her leap. "Woah, Woah, kid." I express as I catch myself on the wall. "You've got to give me a little warning before you jump, you're not five anymore." Zola giggles into my neck but doesn't let go so I walk to the couch and flop down, knowing it will be a soft landing for my niece.
"Zola, I thought you were going to bed. Your Aunt Amelia and I need to talk." Meredith tells her daughter, lightly ruffling her hair.
"What about?" Zola asks softly, curling up into my side.
"My Mom, and her trip to see you."
"She told me to call her Grandma but it felt weird because I don't know her."
"What did you call her then?" I ask, twisting to look at my niece.
"I didn't. I just talked to her without saying a name. Do we have to see her again?"
"You don't have to do anything, but she would probably like to see you again at some point. Do you not want to?"
"I don't know. I just, why hasn't she been here before?"
"I'm not sure kiddo. I could ask for you when I see her tomorrow?" I offer, and Zola nods her head.
"Yeah. I wanna know."
"Okay, I will find out for you. But now, I believe you're supposed to be in bed. Good night Zozo, sleep tight."
"Good night Auntie Melia. Good night, Mom."
"You want a drink or something?" Meredith asks once Zola has gone to her room.
"Not right now, thanks though. I just, I need to talk to you about my Mom."
"I know. I was here when you told Zola."
"I went to an extra therapy appointment today, just with everything that had happened, I needed it. Anyway, we, I mean Dr Watson and I, we decided I need to have some rules with my Mom."
"Okay. Not that I'm complaining, but how does this involve me." Meredith asks. She is unsure as to the relevance of the back story so I jump to the point.
"It doesn't, not directly. It involves the kids though, so you need to be involved."
"Tell me."
"After uh, after my dad died, my Mom was really distant." I begin, trying to figure out how to begin to explain my issues.
"That's expected after an event like that."
"Not the way it happened. She was still there for my sisters, and for Derek but not for me. I'm sure Derek told you this anyway."
"He didn't. All I knew really was you were his favourite sister."
"Derek raised me after my dad died. My mom could barely look at me, nevermind take care of me. When I tried to kill myself as a teenager, my Mom knew but she didn't come. Derek came though, and he talked me down. Derek was also the one who knew I was Bi. He knew when I was using drugs and got me into rehab. Derek was basically my parent from the age of 5, it's why he was so protective over me."
"He never told me any of that." She responds with a sad smile.
"My mom said that the reason she couldn't take care of me was because I reminded her too much of my Dad. I suspect the reason she never came to visit the kids was because they reminded her too much of Derek."
"I'm sorry." I see pity in her eyes and respond immediately.
"I'm not telling you this because I want your pity, Mer. I just… bottom line is, I have trust issues, specifically with my mother. She wasn't there when I needed her, and honestly, I don't need her anymore. Arizona said maybe, even though I don't need her, that maybe she needs me so yeah. I am trying to let her in a little, but I'm scared for the kids, Mer. "
"Why?"
"My mom abandoned me when I needed her most. I'm ninety percent sure she stopped being around your kids for the same reason. I don't want to let her into their lives, or Sofia's life, if she is going to hurt them too. I know what that pain is like Mer, and I don't want them to go through that."
"Okay, but if she is past it now then she should be okay, right? I mean, Derek can't die again."
"No, but I could. If I'm in an accident and something happens to me, they're already going to hurt like crazy, Mer. I don't want to let my Mom add to that."
"You're not going to die, Amelia." She states with an all knowing tone but I shake my head. Nobody can know that.
"I hope not but I could! I can't control the universe, Mer. Derek shouldn't have died either but he did."
"Okay. Okay, so what do you want to do?"
"I'm going to give her rules." I tell my sister.
I stand up and walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I am shaking, I can see the liquid in the glass moving rapidly side to side with my involuntary movement. I take several gulps and I see Mer enter the kitchen.
"You okay?" She asks and I nod. I take another gulp before putting the glass down on the table before she sees how much I am shaking.
"I'm going to tell her that she has to be consistent. She needs to make the effort to see the kids at least twice a year, and that isn't allowed to change regardless of circumstances. Whether I'm here or not."
"What else?" She asks, correctly sensing there is more that I hadn't mentioned.
"She needs to treat them all equally. I know it upset you that Bailey and Zola got a birthday card last year but Ellis didn't. Also, between us, the card to Zola was written by my sister, not my Mom. She needs to treat all the kids, yours and Sofia equally. Everybody gets a card on their birthday. If one kid gets a present for their birthday, all the others should too. She can't leave any of them out like she left me."
"How'd you know your sister wrote it?"
"It wasn't Mom's writing, it was a doctor's scribble. I'm guessing Kathleen but I can't say which for sure." I admit with a shrug.
"The kids deserve more than that."
"I know. That's what I'm going to tell her."
"You deserve more too, Amelia." Meredith states softly.
"What do you mean?"
"You deserved to feel loved when you were a kid, and you deserve that now too. And you're talking about the kids getting birthday cards, I know she never did that for you either."
"He told you?" I ask, lifting my head to look into Meredith's eyes and seeing that she understands my question.
"He did. And he told me I wasn't ever allowed to get you anything."
"I wish he hadn't told you." I state honestly. It was my story to tell, not Derek's.
"Why does it matter?"
"Because that means you knew before I ever had a chance to tell anybody. I didn't tell anybody until Arizona."
"I'm sorry he told me, but I'm not sorry that I know."
I pause a moment to think before responding with the question "What else did he tell you?" A part of me is unsure whether I want to know her answer, but I'm also aware that if I don't ask, I will spend time ruminating about it, thinking about what she knows.
"I know pretty much everything about your dad's death. And he erm, he told me about the time you crashed his car because you were high. I think that's all you don't know I know."
"Two events I'd rather not remember. Thank you for being honest with me."
"Come back to the couch. We can put a movie on or something… Unless you have anything else you need to talk about." She offers, leaving the option of further discussion open, but also giving me the opportunity to end the conversation.
"No, I think that's everything."
"So are you going to tell your Mom all this tomorrow?"
"Yeah. I'm going to tell her that I'll pick her up at 9. It'll give us time to talk before I go to see Sofia. Are the kids going to be in daycare tomorrow?"
"Yeah, Maggie will bring them when she starts work at 12."
"Okay. Depending on how social Sof is feeling, I may take them out if that is okay. I don't want Sof to have to stay trapped in a hospital room with my Mom."
"That's fine, could you just give Zola the choice?" Meredith asks, but I nod and stay quiet, sensing that she hadn't finished her statement. I don't think she really wants to be around your Mom right now."
"Of course. If Sof and Arizona are okay with it I could take her to Sofia's room, but if not I'll just give her the choice to stay in daycare if she wants to. Did my mom tell you how long she plans on staying?" I ask my sister, realising I hadn't asked my mother than myself when I'd seen her the night before.
"She has a hotel booked until Monday."
"Did she tell you why she is really here? She didn't tell me last night, not really."
"She said she regretted not staying in touch with you and she wants to get to know you." I release a small laugh and roll my eyes.
"That sounds like a lie."
"You can ask her tomorrow. No point dwelling now, it won't do you any good."
"I guess you're right. Sorry."
"You don't have to apologise, Amelia. You didn't do anything wrong." Meredith states but I remain quiet, fighting the urge to apologise for apologising.
After a few moments, Meredith breaks the silence "How are the cravings?"
"Erm I um." I panic a little.
"Sorry I shouldn't have asked. You don't have to answer and I won't ask about it again."
"No, it's fine, I mean, it's okay." I stumble for words, trying to think of a response. "It's okay that you asked, I'm just not used to it. The cravings aren't too bad right now." I try to explain simply.
"Does Arizona not ask?"
"Not really, but also she can tell when the cravings are bad. I don't have to tell her. It's kind of annoying really."
"Is Arizona the only person that knows?"
"In Seattle it's just Arizona, my therapist and Richard who recently found out. And now you I guess. Addison also knows though. It's just not something I advertise. I don't like that I do it and I don't want people to look at me differently." I explain. I am okay with Meredith knowing. I chose to talk to her when I needed somebody I could trust, but I do not want to be pitied.
"Richard found out?" Meredith asks, trying to put the dots together but unable to figure out how.
"Yeah it wasn't great. You responded much better than him."
"What happened?"
"He responded fine initially. He found out when I was in hospital last month. It was the next day things got weird. He cornered me after an AA meeting, when I was already feeling more vulnerable than I would have liked, to tell me to use better coping mechanisms. Like I hadn't already tried. I don't know. I'm sure he meant well but it felt judgy." I pull my legs up onto the chair, crossing them like a child at school and fumbling with my hands waiting for Meredith to respond.
"Yeah, he can be stubborn."
"I haven't really spoken to him since then other than about patients. Arizona spoke to him for me though, telling him he had no right to bring up my personal medical history outside of a clinical setting and such."
"Does that mean I also shouldn't bring it up? I'm just trying to understand your boundaries." I shake my head, no. She has misunderstood.
"With you, it's different. As long as we are alone, I don't mind if you have questions. But I think that is because I told you out of choice. Arizona told Richard out of obligation. He wanted nurses or you to help change me into a hospital gown and Arizona knew I wouldn't want that."
"Why-?" Meredith starts, but stops herself before continuing her question.
"Why what?"
"Earlier you said you didn't cut to kill yourself, you said it's not a punishment either, the only thing you said is its less harmful than drugs, but that's not really what I was asking. Why do you do it? How does it help?"
"When I got clean, it was the only thing I could find that helped numb the cravings a little. It was a distraction from the cravings, but I realised it also helped me escape my thoughts. It was the only thing to do that made my thoughts stop spinning and I've just never been able to quit. It's addictive, but I'm trying to stop. I promise."
"I believe you."
"Can I ask what happened with your Mom?" I broach the subject with caution, not wanting to make Meredith uncomfortable. It was clear that I triggered some of her own difficulties earlier and I do not wish to make them worse.
"I don't remember much more than I told you earlier. In hindsight, after reading her notebooks, I think it was to get Richards attention. He had told her he would leave Adele, but then changed his mind and she was alone. I'm also not sure exactly of the timeline but it could have been around the time she found out she was pregnant with Maggie." Meredith shrugs telling the story, pretending that the events are insignificant.
"That's messed up."
"The worst part is I wasn't even that scared. I was just numb." Meredith adds and I smile this time. Being numb I understand.
"I get that too. After something traumatic happens I go numb. I always have. It's less common as I get older but it happened not long ago, after he died." I state with an emphasis on 'he', letting my sister know I'm referring to my attacker. "It terrified Arizona, but Dr Watson told me it's a fairly common response."
"At least we aren't going crazy."
"Or we are, and we're both too far gone to recognise it." I joke, and Meredith smiles at me.
"I hate that you're hurting, but I like that we get along better. It's like I have a part of Derek left here."
"You have the kids." I state simply and she nods in agreement.
"I know. But they don't really remember him. You do. You make the hurt a little less."
"You help me too. Especially today, you've helped a lot."